| Narrator An explosion rocked the tent as Radar jumped out of bed. As he dived toward the phone to call Headquarters, Henry burst into the tent. “Radar, you call the heads at headquarters and tell them to head their overhead fire elsewhere so our heads don’t get knocked off. I’ll head their beheading if they don’t!” Henry screamed in outrage. “…I told them you would head their killing if they didn’t,” Radar finished just before Henry. There was a pause for several seconds. “Well, what did they say?” Henry demanded. “Oh, they said that we aren’t where we are, so we are two miles from the shelling. They also don’t think you are very nice to threaten them,” Radar replied. “I guess I’ll try them again.” “That’s fine, just as long as you call them again right away,” Henry ordered. A shell exploded nearby and Henry rushed into his office, shoved his chair away and crawled under his desk. After a while, Radar’s office and the Post-Op ward started to fill with nervous people. Headquarters still wouldn’t stop shelling the 4077th. “Make way, make way, priest coming through!” Father Mulcahy yelled as he fled toward Henry’s office. “I demand to know what’s happening. I was trying to hear confessions, not that anyone showed up, but that’s not important. I do not want my sacred acts interrupted by a bunch of ninnies firing shells at me.” Henry peeked over the top of his desk timidly to look at Father Mulcahy. “Father, I would love to tell you what’s going on. In fact, I would also love to tell myself what’s going on,” Henry replied. “I just wish everyone would quiet down and let me talk to headquarters,” Radar thought as he waited for Sparky to connect him. “This isn’t why I enlisted. I’m too young to die! Why won’t that idiot believe me that I know where I am? Why am I being put in charge of this? I just want to go home!” “Headquarters? Artillery division? Yeah, this is 4077th M*A*S*H,” Radar said, now out loud. He kept trying to convince Captain Crandic of Artillery that the 4077th was in the path of the shelling. “I guess I just keep going,” Radar thought. Henry I heard Radar get through to the Artillery division as I moved over to let Father Mulcahy under my desk with me. Shells were exploding all around my office. I heard nurses and corpsmen in Radar’s office nearby. I knew there were more in Post-Op. “Hi Henry, how ya doing?” Hawkeye exclaimed as he and Trapper burst into my office. “We brought our loved ones with us,” Trapper added. “Watch the door,” yelled Radar, who happened to be sitting behind it. “Whaddaya mean your ‘loved ones’?” “The still, of course,” Trapper explained. “Don’t forget the olives!” Hawkeye threw in. The two set the still and olives on my desk and left to visit the nurses. “Boy, I wish I were back in Bloomington. My kids would all be bugging me now as I got home from work. They would have stories about their day. Complaints about siblings, chores and their mother. The dog would be having and accident on my shoe. My wife would be handing me a wet rag to wash the crayon off of the wall. Maybe I’m glad to be here,” I rambled on. “This situation is out of my control. I should be feeling guilty I guess. All these people I’m in charge of and can’t help. I always seem to shut down with fear. Oh, well, Radar can handle it,” I thought. I pulled myself up and went to get a drink. I downed three glasses of brandy right away. I fell back into my chair and tried to relax. “Anyone else want a glass?” I asked. “I’ll buy.” I guess everyone had better things to do, because no one replied. Klinger “Oh, kind and generous colonel, could I have a moment?” I asked as I walked into the office. “What is it Klinger? I’m a little busy right now,” Henry replied. “I just need to ask you to do me a quick favor, and sign this paper,” I told him. As I handed him a pen and my papers, I almost laughed out loud. Just as Henry finished, a shell went off and I ran into Radar’s office and dived under his desk. A couple more shells exploded close by, and then it was quiet. I crawled out from under the desk and practically tripped Captains Pierce and McIntyre. “Sirs, while you are passing through, could you do me one quick favor?” I requested as I handed them the papers and my pen. “Klinger, are these Section 8 papers?” Captain McIntyre asked. I nodded my head. “Oh, what the heck, someone deserves out of the Army,” Captain Pierce commented as the two signed. A shell exploded close by again, and I went under the desk. Majors Burns and Houlihan rushed into the office. “Air raid! Air raid! Help! Air raid!” Major Burns screamed. He tripped over Major Houlihan’s feet and fell onto the floor by me. He crawled toward the desk. “Come on out of there, you pervert!” Frank screamed. “Only if you sign here, sir,” I replied with a grin. He signed my papers and pushed me out from under the desk. I had triumphed over the U.S. Army! I’m out forever. Mulcahy “Father, Father, will you hear my confession?” A young corpsman asked. “Certainly my son, come over here,” I replied as I led him to a secluded spot. “Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. It has been two days since my last confession. I have committed two sins against the seventh commandment and fourteen against the eighth. You know those two visiting South Korean girls that were here? It was them. It’s not like I meant-“ “I don’t need details son, just the basics,” I interrupted. “Okay Father. As for the stealing, it was a bet. I didn’t get the full payment, because I was supposed to steal twenty pieces of the Klinger Collection, and I only got fourteen. I was doing fine at first, I was slipping stuff out the back. Then, Klinger came in, and I had to hide behind a rack of dresses. It took forever for him to leave to go on KP duty. He just kept singing ‘You oughta be in pictures, wah wah.’ Those ‘wah wahs’ he throws in can be really annoying! So, anyway, Klinger finally left, so I beat it out of there fast. I guess I got too scared. The stupid Marines were just sitting outside laughing at me. They were nice enough to give me some dough.” The boy finished up, and went on his way. There were several people waiting behind him. Even with the shelling outside, at least I would finally be able to do some good spiritually! Hawkeye “Dinner and dancing, minus the dinner, in this direction,” I yelled to get people into post-op. I decided that since everyone seems so scared, it’s time to get something started. So Trapper and I got some music, some booze and some nurses and got a party going in post-op. “Hawk, come on over here, you’ve got to see this!” Trapper called. “Oh, and they think no one knows,” I observed. Frank and Margaret were cuddled underneath Radar’s desk. Anyone except General MacArthur’s pipe stuffer could tell that these two had something going on. “Hawkeye, I need you,” Lieutenant Dish called. “Ah, sorry Trap, but duty calls,” I said as I walked toward her. Unfortunately, all she needed was help with a patient. “Captain Pierce, Major Burn’s patient seems to be having stomach pains,” she instructed me. “Well, Hadlin, tell me where it hurts,” I requested. The boy pointed to where the stitches were from Frank closing. That, however, didn’t make any sense, because nothing there should hurt. “Lieutenant, take some x-rays and see if there is anything out of the ordinary in this boy. We’ll get you out of trouble as quick as we can. Trap, you want to help me with this guy?” Trapper Just as I started to walk toward Hawkeye, Hadlin started to vomit. “We need an emergency tray here!” Hawkeye cried. “Get a curtain around this bed!” I yelled. There was no need to stop the party. The nurse put Hadlin to sleep and we cut into his chest. Just then, another nurse ran over with the latest x-rays of Hadlin. “I’m sorry sirs, no one looked at these when we took them,” She said. “How did Frank leave that in there? Take a look at this Trap,” Hawkeye ordered. I looked over at the picture, and my mouth dropped open. There was an eight-inch clamp inside the boy. “How did that stupid idiot-“ I started. “What stupid idiot would that be?” Henry asked as walked up. “Frank!” Hawkeye screamed “He left this in Hadlin!” We showed him the clamp we had just taken out. “What are you doing with my patient?” Frank “Removing the clamp you sewed into the poor guy. Frank, how in the world did you over look a clamp? I think my dog could do better surgery than you do,” I said as I helped Hawkeye close up the boy. “I would never do such a thing. You guys probably planned this whole thing!” yelled Frank as his cheeks started to turn rosy. “Frank, we’ll sew you to your bunk, we’ll give you casts in your sleep, we’ll even drug your cologne, but we’d never do anything to endanger the life of a patient,” I said. Frank got an enraged look on his face. “Yeah Ferret Face, next time we find a piece of metal in one of these boys we’re going to sew a retractor in you,” said Hawkeye. Frank stormed out of O.R. and Hawk and I wheeled Hadlin to Post-Op. At least that’s over; I think I need another drink. “Up for a hit?” I asked Hawkeye. “I’ll take a drink, but please don’t punch me. I’m very fragile,” said Hawkeye. Frank “I can’t believe the nerve of those cretins,” I growled as I walked toward Margaret. “What cretins?” That beautiful face replied. “Pierce and McIntyre, they reopened one of my patients.” “He was sick Frank,” she observed as she refilled her glass. “So what? He was my patient, they should have talked to me first.” “Frank, the boy would’ve died because of your dumb mistake,” Pierce said, walking in. “Yeah Frank, how do you leave a clamp inside a patient?” McIntyre added, pouring himself a drink. He spilled some when a shell went off and shook the still. “Here Hot Lips, have another,” Pierce said. “I’ve already had three nothers, I shouldn’t have any more nothers,” she replied, misunderstanding what Pierce meant because of her drunkenness, but taking the glass. “Margaret, should you really have another?” I asked. “Oh, it’s okay, General, I can still operate if I have booze,” Margaret stuttered. “Margaret, I’m only a major not a general. You are drunk,” I whined. “Oh, Brad, I didn’t know you were demoted.” “Mar-“ I started. “Give up Brad, she’s ours now. Remember, lovers are losers,” McIntyre said as he led Margaret away. It’s just not fair! A shell went off, and I crashed back under the desk. “Frank! Get out of here! There are too many bodies down here already, ” yelled Henry from under his desk where me, Father Mulcahy, and him were. I was already mad at Pierce and McIntyre and now my C.O. is mad at me. This is just not my day. I got up and went to hide in the mess tent. Where’s a dark secluded place and Margaret when I need them? Margaret “Why did I have to pick the biggest nincompoop in the army to date?” I thought to myself as I clumsily stumbled across the compound. Those three, maybe it was four, or was it five, drinks hadn’t worn off yet. Why is everything all cloudy? “Margaret! What the hell are you doing?” I heard a familiar voice yell. A blurred figure sped through the compound and wrapped his masculine arms around me. I could hear a bunch of bangs. “Get your nice muscular arms off me!” I whined to the mysterious figure. I still don’t really know what’s going on. “Jeez, Hawk, she’s really out of it,” I heard the man say as he set me down in a room full of boxes and shelves. “Hmm, maybe we should take advantage of this situation,” said another familiar voice. “Is that you, General Hammond? Your arms are so nice. Much nicer than that Ferret Face,” I said as I stumbled over the boxes on the ground and fell into the arms of the second man. “Yes, it’s me, Hot Lips. Oh, I’ve longed to see your face again and to feel your lips kiss me so softly,” said the man I think is General Hammond. I heard some snickering. “Oh Hammy, why is there a another man here?” I asked. I’m completely confused by this whole situation. “Uh, he’s my assistant, you know him,” said my General Hammond. “Oh, yes, Colonel Nordstrom. He’s got great lips. Will you kiss me?” asked Margaret. I heard more snickering and mumbled voices talking about some Hot Lips and her addiction to army brass. I felt a nice kiss on my lips and I kissed back. I never remember General Hammond being such a great kisser. Radar A shell struck Colonel Blake’s office and I ran in there as fast as I could. The back wall was completely blown out and had toppled onto Henry’s desk. I called for help and started to dig through the rubble to find Colonel Blake and Father Mulcahy. Hawkeye, Trapper, and Margaret emerged from the supply tent and came to help. “You guys and ma’am, Colonel Blake and Father Mulcahy are down there. We got to find them,” I said as I dug relentlessly. “This seems like a bit of déjà vu,” said Hawkeye as he helped dig. “Wasn’t it Henry and Father Mulcahy that we had to dig out of the latrine when it was struck by a shell?” “The enemy must have something against these guys. They had better be careful, though. Messing with a man of the cloth could be very dangerous. He’s got higher authority on his side,” said Trapper. We finally got under the wall and found Henry and Father Mulcahy. “Are you guys all right?” I asked. “Lorraine, you’ve gotten awfully shorter than the last time I saw you. Where’s the sofa and why does my house have a hole in it?” rambled Henry. I noticed blood dripping from his temple. “Padre, are you okay?” asked Trapper. “Why yes, in fact, I didn’t get a scratch on me. The Lord was with me today,” said Father Mulcahy as Hawkeye and Trapper helped him up. “He sure was,” said Hawkeye. “We should check you out anyways, though.” “All right,” said Father Mulcahy as he walked over to Pre-Op. I heard the telephone ring and Henry picked it up. “Hello, hello, can I have a large pizza and…” said Henry into the mouthpiece. I took it from his hands. “Okay, Henry, let’s go fix you up,” said Trapper. Hawkeye and him led Henry to Pre-Op. “When did you get so big, Andrew, and why do you need to shave, Molly?” asked Henry. I put my ear to the telephone. “Hello” “This is Headquarters. May I please ask why someone was trying to order a pizza?” “Oh, he was just a little confused.” “Right, well, we have confirmed that you are being shelled and we’ve contacted the artillery to move out. The shelling should cease in about four hours.” “Four hours!!! There’s going to be nothing left in that time! You guys had better stop soon or…ahh, Klinger what are you doing?” Klinger stormed into my office in a nice pink evening gown and took my teddy bear hostage. “You gave me the wrong papers!” yelled Klinger. “Give me the Section Eight papers or the bear gets it!” “Corporal, what’s going on over there?” “Nothing, sir, ahhh,” I said as a shell struck outside my door and blasted Corporal Klinger onto the ground. “Holy Toledo, I’m going to get killed! Is that Headquarters? Give me the phone,” said Klinger as he ripped the phone out of my hand. “Headquarters? Here’s the deal, you stop shelling the living daylights out of this place or we’re going to all die! Wait, what do you guys want? You’re going to talk to your General. Okay, whatever. Major Houlihan? Okay, you stop shelling us and General Hammond can have Major Houlihan for one weekend. Great!” Klinger hung up the phone. I gave him a stunned look. “Klinger, you, you, how did you do that?” I asked. “Just a little persuasion, now give me those section eight papers!” said Klinger. “No way,” I said. Hawkeye, Trapper, Margaret, and Henry walked into the room. “Klinger, I thought you were going home?” said Trapper. “I was, until this pipsqueak gave me the wrong papers!” said Klinger as he lunged at me. Hawkeye held him back. “What in the devil, oh forget it,” said Henry. “Wait, there’s no more booms.” “Oh yeah, he, he, he, Major,” said Klinger. “Yes Corporal,” said Margaret. “Uhh, to stop the shelling I arranged you a date with General Hammond this weekend,” said Klinger. Hawkeye and Trapper got worried looks on their faces. “But, I just had a date with him an hour ago,” said Margaret. “You couldn’t have, he’s was at Headquarters,” said Radar. Hawkeye and Trapper smiled. “You sure are a great kisser, Margaret,” said Trapper. “McIntyre! Pierce!” yelled Margaret. She socked both of them in the nose. “Hey, is my pizza here yet?” asked Henry. |
| Point of View By Kling (mostly) with help of Trapp |
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