| Quotes |
| "Our general attitude around here is that we want to play par surgery on this course. Par is a live patient. We're not sweet swingers, and if we've gotta get it in with our knees to get a par that's how we do it" -Hawkeye Pierce |
| "I don't always have to call her Hot Lips. This morning I was nice to her. I called her Major Hot Lips." -Trapper John |
| "You people in The Swamp have got to get over the idea that you can save everyone who comes into this hospital. Man is mortal. The wounded can stand only so much, and the surgeon can do only so much." -Dago Red (Father Mulcahy) |
| Lieutenant: Who are you people? Hawkeye Pierce: Don't get overheated, honey. We're just a bunch of screwups from the line. We gotta see the general at nine o'clock, civilian time, to chew him out." |
| "Captain Pierce, what are you up to? Frankly, I can't decide whether you're crazy or just kind of screwball." -Major Haskell, psychiatrist |
| "We're all crazy!" -Henry Blake |
| Pilot: You're Captain McIntyre? Trapper John: That's what the Army calls me. |
| "This isn't a hospital. It's an insane asylum!" -Hot Lips Houlihan |
| Henry Blake: It's gotta end sometime. It's gotta end sometime. Trapper John: All actions and all wars eventually do. Henry Blake: Oh, hell, McIntyre. What good is that? When? That's the question. When? |
 |