| Hindsight I have been shirking my responsibilities. I have negged my function as weekly contributor to the ring toss… At the same time I have been glad to see more and more people adding to this forum, penning prose, verbalizing thoughts, ranting angst etc… But I have not been able to add a piece in close to two weeks. And why? There is no why, just a cause. Coming up with a topic is a bitch. I tried to haggle with the bitch, telling her that I would not want her to perform oral on me, that I would be glad with a straight forward once over. Hoping this would drop her rate I was left hanging, with my pants down around my ankles. Not good, especially considering the fact that it was raining at the time. I had considered writing about career choices, my bestest vacation ever, how I lost my virginity, my inability to play the flute or how the world would be a better place if dentist didn’t charge a fee. All of these seem like good topics, and I am sure that I could come up with something to tickle your funny bone with. But I shall neg these topics and let them simmer in my twisted mind for a week or two more. I would like to take this opportunity to write about something very different: hindsight. For it is in this that we find the answer to all our questions. I must have been 4 or 5 years old when first I cut myself. Maybe I had cut myself prior, but I can’t remember. There I was, in that bathroom, when I came upon my father’s razorblade. It was one of those old-fashioned thingies where you turned the base so that the top would open up like a blossoming flower and expose the blade. I took the blade in my hands and for some unexplainable reason I sliced it across my finger. Blood, crimson red, flowed forth. A stinging pain was felt and my motoric reaction was to squeeze the finger while shaking the other hard. There was blood everywhere, on the floor, the walls, in the sink, my shirt… It was a dumb thing to do, in hindsight, and I promised myself I would never do something that silly ever again… Visiting the parents of one of my friends some years ago. My buddy and I both were fresh in our relationships, mine 3 months his 1. His girlfriend called everyday, like clockwork. Mine, she must have lost her clock or misplaced it. This did not bother me as our relationship was one of convenience; sex. Therefore, the evening that she did call me I was caught off-guard. How are you? [i]Fine, thanks.[/i] What are you doing? [i]Just farting around.[/i] Are you sitting? [i]Yes I am.[/i] I am late. [i]Well then you should hang-up and get going now shouldn’t you?[/i] It’s a different kind of late. [i]Is this a feminine thing?[/i] According to the test I am expecting. *Silence.* You still there? [i]Uhu.[/i] So what are we going to do? [i]Well, maybe get a second opinion…[/i] The second, and third tests showed that it was false alarm. I was not going to be a father yet, and boy was I ecstatic!!! Unprotected sex feels so much better, but condoms have a purpose. A purpose to avoid uncomfortable situations like this one. It was a dumb thing to do, in hindsight, and I promised myself I would never do something that silly ever again… I never liked media law, thought the teacher was the best. But the dates, and court cases, and names, and other assorted data were to much for my defunct brain to handle. Studying period was something left for those who felt the need to increase their knowledge and get passing grades. Me, myself I have always held the believe that if I pay enough attention in class I should know all that is needed to pass a test. Wrong. Heading into an exam, with a brain that is hung-over, is not the best scenario one can come up with. Skimming over the questions on the paper, and having the realization kick in that you know none of the answers makes your adrenaline rush… maybe I am addicted to that rush for only ones did I study for a test in my whole life, and I had the second highest grade. Mostly I went into an examination bare of thought, trying to mentally picture the book in front of me and hoping that I had the right chapter in front of me. I could have had a 3.4 GPA, I could have finished school in 3 ½ years… could-a should-a would-a Foregoing the studying I ended up, 5 ½ years later with a 2.87 GPA It was a dumb thing to do, in hindsight, and I promised myself I would never do something that silly ever again… The cherrys and berrys flashed bright in my rearview mirror. I could not fathom what I had done to bring the wrath of the cops on my ass, but I had to pull over and face the music. Earlier that evening I had been partying it up with my buddies. We had won our game of soccer and had ample reason to celebrate our victory via the mass consumption of frosty beverage. Next to me, in the passenger seat, was my inebriated girlfriend. Pulling into the gas station I could but think; stupid stupid stupid. I got my drivers license ready, had the pink slip in my other hand while my heart was pounding so hard I thought my throat would close up and suffocate me. I was asked to step out the vehicle, put my feet together, tilt back my head and touch my nose with my right - and later left – finger. This was followed by the “follow my finger” control… 2 minutes later I was back heading towards my destination. How did I manage to pass the test? Mantra baby, mantra. My body is a stone, only my eyes will move! And it worked. It was a dumb thing to do, in hindsight, and I promised myself I would never do something that silly ever again… They say that history is the greatest teacher of them all. That in history we can find the answers to our questions. But is it really? Do we really learn from history? I know that, as illustrated in these three examples I gave you, that I would have learned my lessons. But I did not. I again found myself to be a soon-2-b-dad without planning it, again I took longer then needed to pass more tests, and again found the cops lurking behind me after a night of alcoholic indulgence. Errare humanum est. Try humanum est errare. We are fallible, we make mistakes. We forgo what we are taught at times when we shouldn’t because at that moment in time we can reason it. Most people have 20/20 hindsight. I’d love to see the world through my retrospect glasses… but the lenses are cracked and my need for adrenaline always wins! It is a dumb thing to do, in hindsight, and I promise myself I would never do something that silly ever again… ----- |