Dougie The Valence Electron

A SHORT STORY BY MUTT. One day Dougie had to leave his home in the Scottish countryside to find where he truly belongs...and it's, erm, educatioinal. I actually handed this in as a chemistry paper.

“So this is it.” Dougie the valence electron stared down the sidewalk, his eyes drifting from one suburban home to the other. All looked fairly the same in size and shape; only the lawn decorations or house colors differed. Could one of these houses hold a family that would be willing to take him in? The young electron scratched his nose thoughtfully, then winced as Mummy Electron’s voice echoed in his ears. His mind transported him back to that fateful day before, when he and his parents stood together outside his home for the last time.

“What did I tell you, Dougie-boy?” Her tone had held more sympathy than scorn. “I told you sculpting wasn’t going to earn you a living, and you bounced off to art school. And now here you are, on the street without anywhere to come home to. I’m sorry, Dougie-boy, but your father and I just don’t have room for another person in our new flat. Besides, now that there are only two of us, we’re officially Alkaline metals. I mean, it was only natural for us to be combined with you for a while, but you knew you would have to find your own chemical family sometime.” “I’m sorry, my boy,” Father Electron had added with a hint of moisture in his eyes, “I really am.” “B-b-but…where can I go?” Dougie had been desperate by that time in the conversation. “You well know that this old sheep farm town has no chemical families lacking valence electrons.” He barely managed to hold back a sob. “Oh, mum, what am I to do?” “There, there, my Dougie-boy,” His mother reassured him, “Why don’t you talk to Old Man Alkali. He’s been around longer than all of us, and he’s seen the world. I’m sure he knows of a place where you’re needed.” Old Man Alkali was absolutely mad, Dougie knew, but this could be his last chance. He gave his mother one last hug, nodded a farewell in his father’s direction and hitched up the old sheep-drawn wagon. Once he had trusty old William and spunky young Archie, his two favorite orange sheep, in their harnesses he climbed into the wagon and made a clucking noise to urge them forward. “Good bye!” He waved to his tearful parents as the wagon rolled off into the sunset, and the wheels creaked new measures in a bittersweet song with every rotation. “I’ll never forget your patient and loving guidance, but I’m off now! Off to find where I belong!”

Night was just falling when Dougie, William and Archie pulled into Old Man Alkali’s dirt driveway. Green sheep (the Old Man’s special) were barely distinguishable from the grass pastures they dotted. Taking a deep breath of the pure country air, Dougie hopped off of the wagon and strode to the Old Man’s doorstep. Two tentative knocks later, a gruff old electron appeared in the doorway. Despite his age, his skin was a shiny white-silver and his skin as soft as a baby electron’s. His squinty eyes surveyed his visitor momentarily. “Young’n,” Old Man Alkali announced disapprovingly. “What is it that you be wanting with me?” “Y-yes, ah, well, sir,” Dougie stumbled over his words and stared at his feet, “I’m in a bit of a, erm, predicament. My folks said that you could help me…” He looked up again, but the Old Man’s expression hadn’t budged a wrinkle. “Maybe,” Dougie added, his hope evaporating.

There were a few more moments of thick silence. “Well, arrr, that depends on what it is yer asking, now doesn’t it?” Old Man Alkali said finally. “Yes, I suppose you’re right.” Dougie agreed with a nervous bob of his head. “Well, then, TELL ME!” Old Man Alkali’s booming voice nearly blew poor Dougie off the doorstep, and old William was baaing up a storm in the dirt drive. “Aye, of course sir,” Dougie forced a thin smile at the reactive old electron and went on to dramatically explain his entire situation starting from his decision to attend art school and become a sculptor all the way to his bumpy ride over to Old Man Alkali’s farm. As Dougie had expected, Old Man Alkali’s expression hadn’t wavered throughout the whole ordeal, even when Dougie got down on his knees to demonstrate how William had tripped over a rock in the path and nearly collapsed. “I’m afraid there’s not much I can do fer ya, lad,” Old Man Alkali admitted. “There’s only one place I can think of, and it’s not even in Sheepyard.” He shook his head. “Dreadful place, that is. The folks there are stingy, I’d doubt they’d let you set foot upon their perfect lawns. And their backyards have pools…those pools, OH THE POOLS!”

Dougie knew that Old Man Alkali, the single valence electron he was, reacted violently (and rather terrifyingly) when coming in contact with water of any kind. Even now, the old man was practically having convulsions just thinking of it. “It’s all right, sir,” Dougie made an attempt at comforting him. “I’m sure they’d never let you near their pools, either. You’re fine.” “Erm, anyway then, what was I saying?” The old man looked embarrassed. “Ah, yes then…I’ll give you the directions, but let me warn ye –” Old Man Alkali’s eye twitched for effect. “The Glasgow suburbs are a dangerous place, my lad. You stay away from the pools.” He clutched his neck. “Oh, THE POOLS!” A few minutes later, Dougie had calmed the old man down and was sitting in his sheep-drawn wagon with a map in hand. Old Man Alkali came to see him off. “You’ll be needing one more thing, lad,” Alkali said, handing Dougie a green wool sweater. “It’s cold up there…and a long journey at that…”

Five minutes later, Dougie pulled into the suburb and left his carriage at the Motel, and now he stood where he was now. Archie baaed softly beside him. William had stayed behind in the Motel room, exhausted from the journey. Dougie headed for the door of the first house, Archie at his heels. “Hello,” an electron said cheerfully. The figure in the doorway appeared metallic, but was strangely brightly colored in a rather nice shade of electric pink. “I’m Dougie.” “The name’s Metals, Transition Metals. What can I do for you?” “I was wondering if you have any room to spare in your,” Dougie searched for the word to describe the house, with its wild and vibrant colors. “…your lovely home.” “Well, you see,” said Mister Metals. “There’s room here for a valence electron or two, but no more. And I’m afraid my wife and I are the limit. Terribly sorry, Douglas.” “Dougie,” Dougie corrected him and turned to go. “It’s all right, don’t feel bad. Thanks anyway.”

So the first house was discouraging, Dougie thought to himself, but it was only one house. He and Archie moved down the sidewalk to the next house. It was a very plain brownish color with a bare lawn and an average mailbox reading “The Borons”. “Appropriately named,” Dougie muttered to himself. Archie baaed his agreement. Out on the doorstop three valence electrons, the average family of two parents and a child, three in all, stared blankly down the street. Dougie’s keen ears caught snips of their dreary conversations and he and Archie exchanged looks. “We’ll skip this one.” Archie was all ready ahead of him. The next house seemed average, but upon a closer look Dougie realized the inside was in shambles. He peered through the window, feeling rather nosy, and saw five little baby valence electrons peacefully sharing toys in the middle of a kitchen. They seemed perfectly content, but the kitchen was distressed, with bits of food and rubbish strewn all over the walls, counters and furniture. With a quick glance at the old, rusted mailbox overflowing with bills, Dougie could tell the Nitrogen family was not one he was interested in joining. Once again, clever Archie was ahead of him and all ready trotting towards the Oxygen Family’s home. On the lawn, sitting on a long wooden bench, were six adult valence electrons sharing a magazine on how to control out-of-control babies. Dougie chuckled to himself and passed the house as he followed Archie on their march down the sidewalk. The Halogens’ house was next up. A valence electron was reading a mystery novel underneath the shade of a tree, his foot chained to its trunk.

“Excuse me, sir,” Dougie interrogated the chained electron, “But…why are you a prisoner to that tree?” “Me? A prisoner to the tree?” The electron let out a small laugh, realized Dougie was genuinely perplexed and evidently curious, and explained incredulously. “Well, don’t you know that we Halogens are never found free in nature?” “Oh, of course. I understand,” Dougie said, but really he didn’t understand at all. “I haven’t seen you around here, lad,” The Halogen electron observed. “You must be visiting. Who sent you?” “Old Man Alkali, from Alkali Acres,” Dougie informed him. “OLD MAN ALKALI?! FROM ALKALI ACRES?!” The Halogen electron repeated reactively. “Uh – yes, that’s what I said,” Dougie backed away slowly. “THAT OLD MONGREL! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO WITH THE LIKES OF HIM?! AND THAT SWEATER! THAT’S ONE OF HIS SWEATERS, ISN’T IT? I WOULD ADVISE YOU TO STEP OFF MY LAWN RIGHT QUICK IF YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU, LAD!” Dougie didn’t step. He ran. He envied Archie’s unfair advantage…four feet are much swifter and less clumsy than two. And Dougie knew how clumsy he could be, but was painfully reminded when he collapsed headfirst into the grass of a luckily soft but very smelly lawn. He looked up and saw a gaseous electron wearing a crown topped with only the finest jewels standing above him. The Noble Gas looked unreactive, as if he hadn’t even noticed Dougie suddenly diving into his lawn. From the looks of the place, the Noble Gas obviously lived alone and the chances were he didn’t need to be bonded with other atoms to be particularly happy. The most revolting gases Dougie had ever smelled hovered over the Noble Gas’s mass.

“Um, sorry,” Dougie said quietly. He stood, brushed himself off and walked away, Archie giggling insanely at his side. “Quiet, sheep.” But the giggles persisted until the next Chemical Family’s house. The Noble Gas’s house and the next family, the Rare Earth Elements, seemed to reside in the richest part of the neighborhood. Dougie couldn’t help but notice the Rare Earth Elements lounging in two hammocks side by side. “Greetings, young man,” called one of them. “I heard someone was coming around looking for a place to live. I am Lathanide Rare Earth Elements the third and this is my wife, Actinide.” “A pleasure to meet you,” Actinide smiled, and little bursts of radioactivity channeled out of her mouth and shot towards Dougie. He stepped to the side quickly, and the spurt nearly hit Archie, who luckily hopped out of the way and was spared. Lathanide was a very handsome electron. His face shone brightly with high luster and you could tell it was soft and conducted the attention of everyone around him. “The pleasure’s all mine,” Dougie clenched his teeth, preparing to dodge any more sparks of radioactivity. “Does this mean you have room for one more in your household?” “US?! Have room for YOU?!” Lathanide’s beautiful face crinkled in hysterical laughter, and he was soon joined by Actinide with huge bursts of radioactivity being flung in all directions. Dougie and Archie fled, but Dougie was determined not to catapult into anyone’s yard again.

“Where are you going in such a hurry?” A valence electron with a pink mohawk appeared on the sidewalk in front of Dougie, sending him into a sliding halt. Luckily, he gained his balance, as did the ever sure-footed Archie. “Actinide,” Dougie managed to gasp out, breathing hard. “Oh,” The mohawked electron nodded understandingly. “I heard the commotion over there. So, you’ve been wanting somewhere to live?” “Do you have space available?!” Dougie nearly shouted from the excitement. Until he met the mohawked electron he had begun to lose hope. “Depends,” The mohawked electron said mysteriously. “Ask me again in a few moments.” “Who are you?” Dougie inquired, eager to learn more. “I’m Fran,” Fran motioned towards two other electrons. “This is Andy, and he’s Neil. We’re supposed to be Carbon, but there’s only three of us valence electrons and we need one more. We’re easy to live with – we always share. And we can make almost as much music as we can compounds. Can you play any instruments?” “Not yet,” Dougie admitted. “But I can try.” “Pick up a bass, we’ll see how you do.” Fran grinned. “I’m sure you’ll be fine. Welcome to Carbon.”

And so Dougie, Fran, Neil and Andy toured all of Glasgow in their band, Carbon, until they had enough to move their Chemical family out of suburbia and into a London flat. It was in London that they recorded their first record and went on to become one of the best known bands to ever grace the stage with their presence. Dougie the valence electron, once so lonely and out of place, now knew where he belonged.