Losing It
(currently being edited based on feedback)
8/6 2003: in the lab again. it's after closing, but i have connections. work is so stressful! i work so hard, and they give me lots of things to do, but not enough time to do it in. it makes me feel like i'm doing a bad job, but i'm not, and it's not my fault. it should really be a full time position, at least this time of year. i'm looking forward to going home and reading, and eating way too much chocolate. i hope gerry is home already, and that he'll help me cook supper. he does way to much at home. living with someone tidier than me is both hard and wonderful at the same time.
8/5 2003: it's tuesday morning, 9:20 am and i'm sitting in the computer lab on the gorham campus. i just dropped gerry off at work downtown, and had 45 minutes to kill while i hang around till i have to be at work. i've been reading these awesome books about a world where mythical creatures, vampires, wereanimals, zombies, etc. are real. the state that the story takes place in has just given citizenship status to the walking undead, and made it illegal to discriminate against an employee because they have a disease that turns them into a wolf or a leopard during the full moon. the mundane people and the 'monsters' are trying to find a common ground so they can live together legally, without killing or eating each other. the human police call in a vampire hunter for advice on how to deal with supernatural bad guys. They'd been wasting so many bullets on evil zombies, but didn't know that zombies can only be stopped with fire. it's really interesting stuff, a crossroads of realities. I used to love the main character, the vampire hunter, but lately i'm getting mad at her. maybe i'm just seeing her flaws as a poor excuse for character development. the books are awesome nonetheless.
6/19 3003: whoopdeedoo. i'm an official staff member at usm now. neato! i want to get an apartment so bad! it feels strange writing in here after not doing so, for a reasonably long period of time. i guess my priorities changed.
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4/22 2003: just when i'm starting to be really happy a friend has to start acting like an ass. summer is so close, yay! i bought a car over the weekend, so i'll be able to get to the grocery store this summer, and go swimming! whee! to finish up, all i have is four papers, one final exam, and a discussion about my artwork. i am so sick of writing papers, but i'll survive. the buffy episode on tonight is not new, but it's still a good one, where they have to kill their first ubervamp. i'm eating healthier lately, and i feel really good about that.
3/29 2003: wheee i'm a psycho!
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | Very High |
| Schizoid: | High |
| Schizotypal: | Moderate |
| Antisocial: | High |
| Borderline: | Low |
| Histrionic: | Low |
| Narcissistic: | Moderate |
| Avoidant: | Moderate |
| Dependent: | Low |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | Low |
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3/27 2003: strange negativity and lethargy overtake me. maybe not strange at all... maybe normal. i didn't get the summer job, so i'm still trying to figure out what i am going to do for the summer. new york was cool, the eating was my favorite. we didn't get to do as much stuff as i'd hoped, and i didn't get to meet any of the petri people i wanted. i wish my papers would write themselves.
3/17 2003: i find out today if i get the summer job or not. eek.
Your Guy is Prince Charming!
The man for you is Prince Charming.You need a sensitive, romantic man who will understand and listen.
You enter into relationships for love and need a committed man who will provide plenty of love and security.
What Guy is Right for *You*?
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3/16 2003: i had a strange dream last night. i was working on a scientific ship that was out in the middle of the ocean doing research. there were two doctors, a man and a woman. the man was always secretive about something, and once i saw them arguing and throwing a fish overboard. there was this island too, and at the beginning of the dream, the natives were all starting some pilgrimage into the forest. eventually i found out that the man doctor was sort of evil, because in his secret lab on the boat, he was creating a formula that would turn anyone who drank it into a flounder or a mackarel, or something like that. he thought if a whole small country's people were sacrificed and turned into fish, it would end world hunger. i found this out because i asked him about his secret lab, and he told me. i didn't want to sound like i was going to tell on him, because i was afraid of him. instead i pretended like it was a great idea, and had a laugh, telling him that i had thought he had lots of gold buillion down there or something, a secret treasure. the entrance to his secret lab looked something like the top to a submarine, a round tunnel going down with a ladder and a screw top. after learning this secret, i remember drinking something and i remember being worried if i was going to turn into a fish, like the woman doctor had. she didn't like what the other doctor was doing at all. then i'm on the island, and i'm trying to go the same way the natives went, into the jungle. there's this one part of the path where it goes into some shallow water, which i can't go around because there's a chain link fence in the rainforest, for some absurd reason. everytime i get near the watery part, a shark wants to eat me. i throw a rock to distract it and try to make it by, but then an aligator comes after me! i run back the way i had come and climb the fence. there's barb wire at the top, but it didn't seem to bother me. once over, i hear the gator climbing over too, so i run. eventually i come to this big stone cave where all the people are. it's enormous. there's a canyon on the inside that goes waaaaay down and there's a river at the bottom. the natives are all standing in line and and walking over the canyon with three ropes. one rope is to stand on, and the other two are to hold on to. they are going the long way, not across the canyon, but the same way that the water flows below, to what purpose, i cannot fathom. they are lined up, going in a line, with a bunch of them already on the ropes. the man doctor is there, and he is happy they are in danger, waiting for them to fall.
3/12 2003: dear diary, kopper is sooo dreamy! ok, i said i'd put that in here, and i did. taa daa. and destiny said she'd laugh if i did. mu ah hahahahaha. wow i ate so much yummy good food tonight with destiny, kopper, and julianna! it was so good to see that girl!
3/10 2003: lalalalala. my tongue is burnt. it hurts and feels weird and is bubbly. a package will come in the mail for me soon containing wonderful neat secret stuff! yay an oasis song just came on! Dimentia is a neat girl! we, along with jeff, destiny, and kopper went into portland and ate pizza at flatbread. too many zits! breaking out, yuck. i'm going to try to be better about the whole hygiene thing. i didn't eat much today because of my tongue. lisa will be here soon with ice cream. jeff is coming over tonight too. it makes me so happy to sleep next to someone. i wish i had kittens. i want a house with lots of plants.
3/8 2003: things are getting better. i'm really happy with how well i'm doing in school. kopper has come up to visit destiny for a week. dimentia is coming today around 2ish. last night was a weird night. it was really fun too. i just ate lots of wonderful delicious goat cheese! ahhh. the lab is boring right now, i'm the only person here. a room full of humming computers. i'm sad that i've lost a good friend.
3/3 2003: i hate my life right now and everything and everyone in it. i'm sick of people talking about me behind my back and not talking to me when they have a problem. i keep feeling this urge to just move out and stay hidden from everyone until next semester. life isn't supposed to be this hard, people aren't supposed to be so uncaring and undermining. i don't know what i want! well, i don't want people to be mad at me for inane stupid idiotic fucking reasons that hinge on their own insecurities. i'm loosing a friend because he's pushing me away because of his foolish misconceived notions. i want to hit him so hard, but i also want to hug him. he doesn't seem to want me in his life anymore, so i should probably try to give him what he wants.
3/1 2003: life. my eyes hurt.. they hurt all the time lately because i have to read so much. Jeff is my boyfriend now, we've been going out for about a month, i guess. He is a very sweet boy, and i like him lots. i dyed his hair purple last night, but it came out blue, and we didn't really have enough dye to completely saturate his hair, so you can still see a lot of brown in the back. over vacation we went to his house for a day. he has an amazing house, and adorable kitty cats. sometimes, when i look at him just right, he looks so beautiful. i've been drinking a lot of blood on the vampires game. recently i joined nationstates.net to create my own little country. i never enter into my diary anymore. i don't know why. it's not because of the boy, i stopped entering before i even met him. things are making me very sad lately, my relationships with people around me, like kary, destiny, and gerry. i don't want to be social anymore, i want to stay at home while everyone else is out having fun, even if i can get there, just because i want to mope and cry and punish myself for some unknown reason. i've had the 'bad thoughts' twice in the last couple of weeks, and that can't be good. i have a to do list on the back of my bedroom door to remind me to do the most basic health/hygeine/living tasks, like taking vitamin, eating vegetables, brushing teath, doing homework, water plants, exercise, and shower. I never seem to be able to do all of them, and lately it's more the case that i don't do any of them. i would stay in my bed all day if only it were possible, and i didn't have some crazy drive to get up and get on the computer. i told jeff that i didn't have any issues.. i didn't mean to lie, but i really don't think i had any at the time when i told him, i was very happy. i still am happy, but amongst other feelings. i feel like so much of my world is slipping away and wish that i could just go to sleep and never wake up. i worry that no one will want to live with me next semester because i'm such a bitch. i got my hair done yesterday; it cost a shitload. i don't think it was worth how much i had to pay for it, but it looks nice, and i had the moola to blow. this is the shortest it has ever been. i don't know if i want that summer job or not. the lab is very cold, i've got my scarf wrapped around my neck and mouth, and my warm breath makes my eyes feel better. i look forward to eating today. i'll need to be on high alert of stress, and really take it easy, i know vacation was just last week, but somehow, i think i need another, and real soon. i don't have any plans today, but to surf the net at work, and eat supper later. jeff is spending the night tonight, and that makes me happy. it is hard to realize your own worth.. i remember health class in high school, watching a short movie about self esteem, involving natives bartering for their wives. the women would brag to each other that their husband paid 4 or 5 cows for them. the main character was ugly, and had low self esteem. everyone picked on her. one man thought she was wonderful, and paid 8 cows for her. that make her feel 'worth it' and she became an 8-cow wife, beautiful, happy, and talented. sometimes i find it hard to know my own worth, when i hear compliments, it sounds like just the opposite of truth, said by someone because they can't deal with drawbacks, and think they are being nice by reminding me what i'm not. i think i'm pretty, but can't really believe people if they told me. arg. i wish i had some french toast. i don't get to eat until 4pm unless i take a lunch break. gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that kit kat bar!
borderline
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hoo boy i'm crazy! :o)
Funny Asian Man
What's Your Personality Type?
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wow, i didn't see this one coming.
You are blue. You are somewhat innocent, in the fact that your genius only extends to the physical world. You have a false sense of contentness. You are usually the quiet one, the genius. Everyone can count on you to help when they have problems, but you only fall short of being able to solve your own.
What inner color are you?
blue!!!!!!!!!
1/1 2003: wow, lately i just can't seem to update my diary everyday. it's bad of me to have gotten out of the habit. last night we had a great new year's eve party with lots of silly dancing and music. i rearranged the whole living room, and am quite happy with the effect. i helped ger and coffin make characters for the buffyverse. coffin isn't going to play in the game, but he may guest star at some point. i had a really good night. i like the boys room, i always feel at peace there, and comfortable and happy. i think i will kick them out and steal their room. gonna buy some dice! wheeee!
12/25 2002: i woke up with a sore throat, very disgusting because it was leaking fluid into my mouth and choking me. my cat smells like skunk. my mother and i went to my sister's for lunch, and there were many more people there than i thought were going. i took a three hour nap, and when i woke up, wasn't sure if it was still today, or the next morning. i'm just very disoriented right now. i need more sleep. i love my harry potter bag!
12/24 2002: lots of presents and christmasy things. too many kids! gross light egg nog!
12/23 2002: today i am going to make jeffrey's family stuffing recipe. i had terrible dreams last night that gerry and i had a big fight and he packed his things to get away, and i ran away too and went to some comic store in pennsylvania, where i saw a girl named michelle from monmouth, and mike toff from usm, talking as if they knew each other. i said it was weird to find them there, but they hardly even noticed i was there. why does dreaming have to be so traumatic sometimes?
12/22 2002: a wee bit of shopping. i need to shorten some pants i bought. i love old navy.
12/21 2002: homeward. i got some money to spend on clothes.
12/20 2002: a stressful, sad last night. gerry was acting weird.
12/19 2002: do i have to write two papers for tomorrow or not? hmm i'm not going to.
12/14 2002: i didn't get any homework done! i hate take home exams. sometimes they're good, but not when they consist of two separate 1000 word essays for the same class. sigh. i've decided on a class schedule for next semester; it looks pretty neat. i can't go to aerobics on wednesdays though. our christmas plant is pretty, and festive with a bunch of cute little presents under it. from all my dancing on friday, i really need a back massage. because coffin has left for georgia to see rick young, we are going to swap presents next friday. i really hope the caf has french toast this morning, that would just make my day.
12/13 2002: my modern dance final piece went really well, it made me extremely happy. after belly dancing, i felt dirty, so i actually took a second shower in one day, very unusual for me! today at work we had a christmas party; i had homemade mac and cheese, lasangne, and meatballs. there were all kinds of sweet treats too. jillian and honor and jacinta were there. i like dirt cake. I fell asleep while watching scotland, pa. tonight with gerry. i was supposed to go to the movies tomorrow night with a friend, but he forgot about me and went tonight, and i'm sad. chex mix is a cool snack.
12/12 2002: snow day, except for night classes. i wonder what's going to happen with my two classes that got cancelled.
12/11 2002: a long day at work today, but it was fun. jill and i tried to figure out our secret santas.
12/10 2002: working extra hours. i worked on my x-mas cards, deciding who gets one, who doesn't, and who gets which.
12/9 2002: paper writing paper writing.
12/8 2002: woke up at 11, ate, saw danielle's concert, ate, and paper writing.
12/7 2002: sick, and paper writing.
12/6 2002: paper writing and then sick.
12/5 2002: paper writing, rather be sleeping.
12/3 2002: gonna buy some movies! dancer in the dark and life is beautiful. the wind is blowing outside and i hate it. stress is hell. it's weird how some people make their diary entries pages long. if i did that, i'd never come back some day and read it all, it would take too long. my diary serves more as a rembrembrance to how i spend my life, how i feel on particular days, etc. it's main purpose is not to be a soul healer or confessional, even though i love it.
12/2 2002: i didn't write a paper all day. i sat around being lazy staring at things and thinking about doing things, and then i took a nap.
12/1 2002: nick's 5th birthday, and home i come. it is very cold.
11/30 2002: shopping shopping shopping, i love old navy!
11/29 2002: kyle got up early so we started watching toy story before 7 am. nicolas kept getting angry and going to his room to pout. around lunch time, i went straight from the gurneys' to the edwards' to babysit my four neices. one with teenage angst who thinks she's the boss, a pre teen who just wants to fit in, and three-year-old twins. talk about a scream fest. finally i get home, and i'm too tired to do anything but watch tv and be bored. i haven't gotten any homework done, but i've already budgeted my last minutes to have enough time to do things before they are due. i hope my fish is doing well. i need to buy a car.
11/28 2002: thanksgiving. i cleaned my room all day, had some food, and am staying at the gurneys' overnight to babysit my nephews in the morning.
11/27 2002: my dumb soft bed tied my spine in knots. i stepped on cat poo or throw up or something. a court tv show was on. i think i'll finish cleaning my room. we have a wood stove so everything has a layer of soot.
11/26 2002: it feels sort of christmasy as i am hurrying to pack and get home. we stopped at a burger king and i got a chicken sandwich. my fish died over the night, but i had a feeling it didn't have long to live. gerry said he forgot to flush it.
11/25 2002: spent all day writing a paper, again. i also watched dracula 2000.
11/24 2002: kary, destiny, and i went shopping. i bought some stuff for my fish, and made christmas cards.
11/23 2002: bought the buffy book, and saw a modern dance studio show. on the way home the car in front of us decided to back into us. we're ok, it was just really weird.
11/22 2002: julie and i caught the early bus home from class!
11/21 2002: lately i've wanted to skip classes and just sleep or eat or just stay home and be happy. i got a huge compliment on my writing by my fiction professor today. my fish are going to die soon. grendel has fin rot, and i have no way to get into the city to buy medicine, so it's basically over for them. I'll still feed them and be nice to them though, for the few days they have left. fish diseases are sad. i have to eat some food!
11/20 2002: i got a chance to do some caligraphy.
11/19 2002: buffy and stuff.
11/18 2002: finished the paper not a second too soon. class was long and boring. i come home and in visiting somebody, someone closes the door in my face, and then a stupid bitch lets me in, but acts as though i have no right to be there, and there's a skank sitting on the couch smiling at me. i proceed to cry myself to sleep and think about beating people up.
11/17 2002 i got my zip disk back that was stuck in the lab over night, and the power goes out again. i just want to work on my paper.
11/16 2002: bought a camera and two gold fish. the gold one is grendel and the white one is moonshadow. the power went out at night, and i went to see i spy with ger and nate. it stormed.
11/15 2002: killed, and harry potter 2.
11/13 2002: haha two kills!
11/10 2002: my parents called and said they are going to help me buy the digital camera, and that's cool. i sat around most of the day, and it was nice. sometimes i just don't know what to do with myself though. i took a couple tests.
find your element at mutedfaith.com. <º>
11/9 2002: i've decided to buy a digital camera. it's something that i've been wanting for a very long time, and i know that it can make me very happy. i keep adding on hobby after hobby. hopefuly i'll find one that i love. i don't go to fencing lessons anymore. my fish are dead. i haven't had the mindset to play my drum. my sewing stuff has been under my bed forever. i hardly play warcraft anymore. i'm hardly a shell of a person and nobody realizes that all i do is sit around being depressed when there's no one around to talk to and keep me sane. today i am working a 13 hour day at the lab. there's a boy with pretty hair sitting over there *points* but his eyes are far from lovely. it is a shame.
11/8 2002: modern dance got out early. belly dancing was super fun. kellsy is a beautiful dancer. i finished some buffy episodes and got a good night's sleep.
11/7 2002: my last class got out early so i got to take the bus home with ger. at supper they had pancakes and french toast! we finished the gwyneth movie sliding doors. i was acting all crazy, like i had to run or jump or something.
11/6 2002: i haven't been this tired in a long time. i watched a lot of tv, and didn't really do any homework. the mtp meeting was poorly attended, but we discussed some good stuff. i am going to eat healthier.
11/5 2002: sometimes it's hard being friends with boys.
11/4 2002: aerobics, some more paper writing. class was sucky, maybe because it's 5 hours long! when i got home from portland ger and i watched mr. deeds. adam sandler is awesome. i had a doctor appointment earlier, and on the waiting room table was a magazine with a yacht on the cover that looked like a spaceship.
11/3 2002: paper writing paper writing.
11/2 2002: should be writing a paper. procrastinating procrastinating. playing warcraft with gerry.
11/1 2002: julie and i went to estuardo's house with the rest of our class to watch a video of a dance he choreographed. also, we were supposed to go to a party but i was sad that my fish died, so we hung out at the boys' and carved apple heads.
10/31 2002: i got really depressed for a while today and sat in a chair for an hour, holding the phone, wishing that someone would call me. i don't feel very included lately, or that i even have friends or people that like me. i had fun this evening though. i went to the student senate halloween party and gerry was there. julie and i went to little chris's and to denny's. i'd never met him before. we had fun, but my tummy is not happy. off to sleep!
10/30/2002: i think that i might skip my writing class tomorrow night. i haven't done the homework, and i don't feel like doing it. i am tired and care more about my happiness right now than about my responsibilities. i want to be here in school for another year, but i don't need to. i'm not sure what to do with my life. i went with jill to kerry's house and helped her take care of the dogs and cats. coffin took me downtown tonight to pick up some things. i got some bathroom and shower cleaner, and i am happy. destiny is out on her first date. i bought some hair gel; i've never owned any before. adam kept pestering me to braid his hair, but i just really didn't feel like it, and he kept holding it against me, as though i was a mean person. ger made peanutbutter milkshakes and we enjoyed them very much. *
10/29 2002: full of energy, and lots of buffy. one of my fish died and it was very sad. lightbringer was his name, killed by the stress caused by the other fish, lucifer. the dead fish is a red fish, but was all white and fuzzy, even the eye. it was disgusting. i didn't want to touch it so i made gerry flush it. if my other fish dies, i don't know if i should get more betas, or what.
10/28 2002: i hate writing papers, and i hate when i procrastinate about writing them.
10/27 2002: all the video places are out of hamlets.
10/26 2002: last night we went to the haunted hayrides. i liked it, and have no idea why i was so scared at first. tonight i fell asleep on the boys' couch and didn't wake up till this morning, realizing what happened.
10/24 2002: i couldn't finish watching harry potter, it was late, and i have to work at 8 am on friday. i saw the show. it was ok, but i think i was expecting too much. some of the stuff i would have done extremely different than it was done. i do think that everyone who acted in the show (and the board ops) did a great job though! i liked the scene design too. it was so hot in there, and the actors were sweating like crazy.
10/23 2002: it was a pretty good day. for a couple hours i got very depressed, but then came out of it. i went to the store with the boys and bought stuff for milkshakes, and some other yummies, like chips and salsa, big pretzels, and blueberry milk. ger and i watched much ado about nothing, and it is a wonderful depiction, i enjoyed it much. one of his fish, probably babblefish, was swimming in huge laps around the fish tank really fast.
10/22 2002: i didn't feel up to going to my fencing lesson, so i just came home, and got to sit with ger on the bus. we talked about buffy the whole time, and got to watch two hours of it when we got home. he's starting to feel sick, and probably has what i had all week, which totally sucked. my roomies and i had a meeting today, and it went well. it is good to talk to people you live with about stuff. i want to go to new york in may. everyone else has a boy but me. i have a shitload of love to give, why isn't anyone standing in a line? (don't answer that.) my dance class today was cancelled. i'm having trouble caring about stuff lately, and have lost passion for my interests. i think i just need some french toast. that would fix everything wrong with my life.
10/21 2002: i thought a lot about steve tonight, on the bus ride home from class. i wondered if i'd talk to him, or pretend i don't know him if i see him in 5 or 10 years. severed heads can still percieve the world for twenty seconds. when i got home, me and the roomies had a picnic with cake and chips and berries and other yummies. in class i saw a japanese movie based on macbeth. it is called throne of blood, and is a cool weird movie. i'm looking forward to some lovely slumber!
10/20 2002: those online tests are really fun, even though they are silly and time wasting. today i bought so many snacks. i guess that after being sick for a week, i'm finally getting my appetite back, and in full force.
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10/19 2002: my stomache hurt so fricking bad, i just want to die so that i don't feel any more pain. gerry and i rented two movies with some hots girls in them, and ate a whole bunch of cheese! we had goat cheese, cream cheese, german butter cheese, baby swiss cheese, and swedish farmer's cheese. it was cool.
10/18 2002: the witches masquerade ball was fun. i helped them set up, and got in for free. the bso president really frigged them up, they would have had so many more people. i slept for an hour or so on the boys' couch, and when i woke up, people were watching the nightmare before christmas, so i watched the last part of it. my whole body is not just stiff, but sore. i hate it, it hurts and i want to not have a body.
10/17 2002: oh my.
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10/16 2002: more buffy! horrible headache at night, and i tied a scarf around my head.
10/15 2002: destiny and i wrote notes today! whoopee! and i tried to do some homework, but after an hour i realized that i'd only gotten a paragraph written, and it made me sad so i went out to lie down on the couch. then i watched hours and hours of tv with gerry. he made me eat a brussel sprout at supper. he likes his fish. i wanted to watch queen of the damned at midnight, but for the fourth time, it has not been on when stupid idiotic gtv said it would be. my stomach still hurts and the boy made me a card. i'd better do my homework tomorrow, or i'm screwed. destiny's side of the room is looking cleaner. i named my red beta fish lucifer and lightbringer. sure it's a little redundant, but they do look like twins, and are always copying or mirroring what the other is doing. i like them lots.
10/14 2002: whoops forgot about my diary for a few days. i guess vacation can have that effect. i am pissed because every time i try to watch queen of the damned on gtv, another movie starts playing. those idiots don't have a clue what they are doing. in the last few days i haven't been eating well, and this morning for at least an hour i got a crippling stomach ache. it was the kind that makes you want to wake someone else up to talk to you, so that you can forget the pain.
10/9 2002: i got so much cleaning done today! i didn't do any of my homework, but i had a real sense of accomplishment. i bought 4 new plants too! plants makes me happier than most any other material possession. make a little birdhouse in your soul. destiny is listening to good music. my feet hurt. i use them quite a bit, aerobics, dancing, and fencing lessons. a good foot massage is what i need. coffin visited me for a tiny bit tonight, and it was good. ger and i were going to watch queen of the damned, but it wasn't showing when i thought it was.
10/8 2002: i love touching and cuddling. fencing made me feel really sore. the mothman prophesies is a cool movie, but gtv is stupid.
10/7 2002: where does the free time go? i spent most of today making a warcraft map, but it doesn't work well, alas. even before i started my five hour shakespeare class i was yawning, and that's not a good sign! the weather is now starting to get colder, even though it is comfortable still.
10/6 2002: oops i fell asleep next door. well now i am home, but very tired. we had parties today, and it was good. i cleaned up the living room, and hopefully tomorrow i can attack my room. i want to make a map for warcraft.
10/5 2002: the morning started out bad and i cried. rent was a beautiful show, and i cried. the evening was sad and i cried. i really just didn't want to be alone, and wonderful gerry let me hang out with him all fricking day. we watched death to smoochy, which is one of the funniest movies. saturday night live had one of my favorite skits on, the one with brian fellows the nature guy.
10/4 2002: i don't think that anyone will ever love me. maybe i'm just too cool for love. how can i be so tired this early? i almost cried in dance class today. the plays i saw tonight were beautiful, and made me feel. there is so much anger inside of me, and i have no idea why. there's nothing i want more than to be happy, but how depressing is it not to know why i'm not happy? i sort of know, but then again all is a mystery once i figure anything out. there's a fly buzzing around. time to immerse myself into warcraft three and forget about who and what i am.
10/3 2002: i rushed to get some homework done, but the class was cancelled. julianna and i had a lovely dance party, and she taught me to do this tricky thing where you lay on your back and swing your feet up and touch the floor above your head, and hold your legs there. it was fun! tomorrow we have dance class, and we are bringing adam and ariel with us. i like how my hair turned out. flies are dumb. i've still got my raincheck. the boy was too tired. the move i made up in my head for a person to do may be imposible. i wish i was sleeping, and soon i shall be. also, i do wonder who reads this? want to let me know who are you? if you prefer to remain anonymous, that's fine too, maybe better, maybe not. tomorrow i am going to see destiny's show, and saturday i see rent. this is a good weekend for theatre.
10/2 2002: wal*mart is a wonderful place. aerobics was extremely hard this morning because my legs were sore from fencing. work was fun. ryan and i wasted a lot of time. i got a raincheck to play with hair. *
10/1 2002: for some reason my leg feels like it is dying. i am very hungry. today, shakespeare class was held outdoors, and there was a cool grey squirrel. tonight i shall have my first fencing lesson. i hope the role playing boys remember that i want pizza too. tonight destiny and i are going to do our hair.
9/30 2002: this saturday i am going to see rent, and i'm happy about that. gerry and i just stopped into the bookstore and we talked to jill in sign language for a little bit. today i must do laundry and shower and homework and other things. i have class from 4-9:30 in portland. suckage.
9/29 2002: back and forth between the rooms. i love warcraft! the deaf culture festival yesterday was cool.
9/28 2002: the room reeks of burnt popcorn. boys aren't fair.
9/22 2002: drumming is cool. i had some of the spiciest food i'd ever eaten tonight. my eyes watered and my throat was hot. i went home today with coffin and my cat has lost weight. i dropped off some stuff, and brought a shelf back.
9/20 2002: i've finally gotten drunk, and i didn't enjoy it very much. last night i had screwdriver after screwdriver. i had five of them within an hour and a half and ended up puking five times during the night. very very very disgusting. i'm glad i could clean up after myself and go stay with someone to take care of me. it will be awhile before i can drink orange juice again. never again do i want to feel like that.
9/18 2002: i had a good evening. i got almost nothing done for my homework, but i had some quality friend time. my eyes are stinging right now. i have to get up early to finish my work. sigh.
9/17 2002: up late playing warcraft. i can't decide if life is too easy or too hard. i put heavy laundry soap bottles on my knees tonight to weigh them down so that i can stretch my legs in my sockets more and become super flexible. destiny bought a computer, it was cool. my eyes want to sleep.
9/16 2002: the day began as very depressing, i didn't even want to leave my building, but when i came back from class in portland, i was quite silly and hyper and happy. sometimes i just do not know what to think about myself. my five hours of shakespeare left me talking like one of his characters, to the amusement of those i live with, and next to. i like shakespeare a lot. and i can understand it too. isn't that weird? i got some new pants for aerobics and dancing. they are pretty form fitting and accentuate my gut, but they make my legs look nice, and i feel great moving in them. there's a fine line which separates sadness and happiness for me. i wonder if perchance i suffer from a hamletism? coffin apologized for being dumb last night while playing risk. see? board games are not good for the soul! jessica called from arkansas. i hope she likes her job there. destiny is experiencing some strange turns in her life. i wish i had a boy. being alone for four years has sucked, and i'm feeling very alone lately.
9/15 2002: a very sad, but very good night. i had a wonderful conversation with gerry, without saying even one word. (sign language is cool!)
9/14 2002: i'm not sure who's here, i hear voices, but they don't seem to be talking to each other.
9/13 2002: my body has never been in so much pain. i wonder if it's the dancing, my bad night's sleep, or the other thing. julie let me borrow her heating pad. i was reading with gerry last night, but i fell asleep, and woke up and my entire leg was fallen asleep and i had a hard time walking. i must have looked like i was high or something, i felt like shit. trauma-rauma around here lately.
9/11 2002: i had forgotten what today was, and as gerry and i were walking to breakfast, we ran right into the middle of the moment of silence in the student center. we're having a hurricane or something outside. i feel tired and stressed and relaxed all at the same time. i need to meet some nice boys, i'm sick of being alone. it's not that i'm desperate, but i've never been asked out in my life, so i guess all the work is up to me, or something. sigh. why can't i just be bloody rich and shop all day everyday and not have to think of such things?
9/10 2002: uncannily sleepy all day. at least i get to sleep in tomorrow! gerry makes me laugh a lot. i conned coffin into taking me shopping on sunday. sometimes i wonder about my interaction with people; if i am extremely cold and quiet, or too loud and obnoxious. honestly i have no idea how i come across to people because i am so many different people.
9/9 2002: i hate walking, especially with uncomfortable footwear. i wish i could glide or hover or float or something like that. i just had 5 hours of shakespeare. shoot me. mondays, for the most part, seem as though they shall be wonderfully relaxing days for me.
9/8 2002: hot day. i spent almost all day inside, except for kurt's supper. ger and i sewed patches a lot, and we watched a bajillion movies. warcraft is good. if i could just clean my room i would be a happier person.
9/4 2002: today was sad for me. i want to break things; i feel like such a nutcase and a loser. some people are horrible. i wish i enjoyed my friendships with people more.
9/3 2002: it's the first day of classes. dance class was ok, we just talked today. i have to leave in a few minutes to catch the bus to portland. i'd rather just stay here and relax. first classes are always a little scary. i'm getting a lot of alone time this morning, and i love it. i think tuesdays and thursdays may turn out to be my favorite days.*
8/31 2002: yay internet. freshmen are moving in tomorrow. weird. i am sleepy, had a nice supper at gerry's, and bought some plants, and helped ger move. i hung out with coffin for a few hours, and it was fun. i like the way the room is beginning to look!
8/26 2002: not having internet access is both distressing and a relaxation. i stayed with gerry for a week while i was kicked out of the dorm. we cooked and watched movies and it was a blast. i like his stuffed animal bear. he is an incredibly great friend for letting me stay there. i was fish sitting, and he decided that he wants to keep the fish. destiny and i moved into flippi last night. it is weird and scary there, there is no soul to the hallways, coldness to the walls, and the floors are unfriendly. i feel like an unwelcome stranger, like i must stay locked up in my room, instead of hanging out in the hallways of lovely robie andrews. flippi is so institutionalized. perhaps i will grow to love it. the bathroom is nice, and the cupboard space. i really just want some pizza, but it's probably too late to get any anywhere. we're in the lab warcrafting right now.
8/16 2002: i have to move right now, so i don't know when i'll be online again. it's hot, i'm thirsty, and i wish i hadn't slept from 5pm last night till 4 am this morning. it set me behind in my packing.
8/15 2002: it's very early. on wednesday morning at 2 am, gerry and i woke up, and went to denny's. then we drove to greenwich conn and hopped a train to new york city. we waited in line and bought tickets to see 'chicago' which was awesome, and for supper i had a tasty basil pizza, and he had a chinese chicken salad. then we hopped the subway to the beacon theatre on 74th street, and saw oasis perform. we had a great view of the stage because we were the first standing room people to go into the theatre, which was decorated all greek like with urns and athenas. on the way home, we were very dehydrated and tired, but we made it ok. it was so much fun! times square is a really interesting place. i thought there'd be a lot of scary people, and weird people, and pick pockets, and Ger said that i watch too much tv. the billboards were interesting, many were animated, flat screen tv, and did cool things. grand central station's big ceiling is covered with constellations. there was a man selling 'best pick up lines' on the street for 1 dollar. (i didn't buy!) and there were lots of street performers, some drummers, guitarists, pipists, and some other pretty ethnic music. I'd never been to broadway before. this was just a wednesday afternoon, and it was fricking packed, i can't even begin to imagine it during a weekend. there were street venders and crazy people and everything, the full experience. we saw mtv taping, and a mostly naked guitar playing cowboy that was in a cake music video. we just got back at 6:30 this morning, and i have to be to work at 8. it's a good thing we're young and stupid, otherwise we probably wouldn't have had this awesome time.
8/12 2002: spontainiety. heh. fun. i am too tired to write this. i went swimming at matt leonard's camp. so much time off from work, yay! tomorrow will be a scary day.
8/11 2002: i slept till 3 today. gerry was up till 6am playing warcraft, and i got to go pee and told him to go to bed. then i went back to sleep, and slept enough hours to equal two nights of sleep in total. i am really tired, i shouldn't be!! we watched the 5th element with kary, and the three of us ate some food, and it was really really delicious. i just let dest in, she left her purse in gregory's car. gerry seemed sad tonight, and i don't know why. maybe he just had jet lag from the strange sleeping hours. i want to be happy, but i keep being in funks, and thinking about things too much, and thinking of things that can't be real, and i wonder if i can ever be content to be myself when i'm alone, instead of panicing and needing to be around another human being. maybe i'm just sensitive. maybe i'm a bitch. sometimes i feel like one. right now i feel hungry.
8/10 2002: i just saw the movie 'signs' and i don't like aliens very much, but i thought the movie to be a realistic depiction of how humanity would deal with the reality of an invasion. it was a cute film, and i had fun. the computer lab kids all had a bbq at a lady named lisa's house, and she was nice, and had lots of cute kittens. gerry wants to play warcraft now, so i should give him the computer.
8/8 2002: ugh. i don't even feel like writing this right now. i am tired, and i feel weird, and hungry. gerry was supposed to come over, but i called him because he was late, and he was sleeping! i wish he'd called me, but the poor boy has a horrible headache. it was painful just listening to him talk. i wish he didn't get bad headaches the way he does. i hung out with mr. c for a couple hours tonight. he was kind enough to take me to buy some groceries. he has changed so much since the play. i miss the way he was, but there's no talking to him about it, because his relationship views are so different than mine, that he doesn't want to hear what i have to say. i bought some buttermilk pancake mix. it makes me happy.
8/7 2002: things are sort of bleah. pain, sore, hurt. tired, hungry, etc. i need groceries badly. being warm and comfy is all i can think about right now. the new boy at the bookstore has nice hair. i'm sick of being alone, but then again, the though of relationships makes me want to barf. i don't want to be alone forever, and i dont' want to be with anybody, so i'm creating a double negative and have no idea what i want, who i want, if i want, and it's all weird. i need to read some books. i got an abnormal psychology book out from the library today on interlibrary loan from ohio, just for my reading pleasure!
8/6 2002: uh oh i'm running out of food! i am very hungry. buttermilk pancakes are a lot better than not buttermilk pancakes. i need a good night's sleep, but my laundry won't even be dry till 11.*
8/5 2002: that boy can cook!
8/4 2002: warcraft 3! today i had a delicious hamburger, and a blt and fries and honey mustard. i watched a knight's tale too, which is a strange and fun movie.
8/3 2002: as cartman says, 'ow my ass!'. twelve hours of warcraft. i think i have a place to live in a couple weeks.
8/1 2002: warcraft 3 is cool! it's sorta weird, but i do like it lots. i haven't played it too much at all though. i hung out with caroline tonight. we read a neat book, and went to the mall. i am very hungry! I am very tired, too tired to be writing this right now..
7/31 2002: today was a weird day. the health services ladies were really nice. i loved having the day off, even if it wasn't under perfect circumstances. someone said something very important to me today, "it was an accident, not a mistake." there's blue pepsi! finally, the world has wised up to the wonderous color! tonight me and dest and caroline had supper at gerry's. there was sweet potatoes yum! and apple pie yum! and tater tots yum! and spinich yum! and some pepper and onion crap yuck! i cleaned the stove off, and it made me happy to feel helpful, even though i feel like shit. i am looking forward to a good sleep!
7/30 2002: everything is mundane lately and i'm not really sure if anything can make me happy. sandi made some couscous tonight, and it was delicious. i got a c- in my oceanography class, but that's ok. i did learn a lot, i just had low test scores. i got an a in the lab. i haven't had to take tests like that since i took music appreciation (i got a c in that) and math (i got an a-). i like my english classes, i just have to understand what i read and talk about things intelligibly, i don't have to remember specifics. even if i don't know the answer on an english test, it's easy to bs something like that. my left wrist hurts, i think i've been puting prices on school supplies too much today. sometimes my right wrist hurts when i am at my computer for too long because i use it to type and for the mouse. i don't know what i would do without tums. i eat them almost constantly.
7/29 2002: aaakkk it's been a while. i would have finished this entry last night, but gerry needed my computer to write a play for the kid's camp. i spent pretty much all weekend at his house watching movies. it was fun. last night i threw a birthday party for jessicur. i'm sure she'd have liked it if she weren't in washington. it was yak's birthday too. mondays really suck. the world is pissing me off today. i hate people in groups, i just don't understand where the fun is. i have never felt more alone than when i am with lots of people. amber is coming up this weekend. i haven't seen her in a bit, and hopefully she'll have a better time than the last time she was here, when i was sick the whole time with mono.
7/25 2002: i spent last night at gerry's, i love his house. we went swimming last night too, my first time skinny dipping. today i went back to the same swimming place with some friends. work was hard as there were many boxes. having enough healthy things to eat makes me really happy. i hope i get a good grade in my class. it is a strange feeling to look at someone who you used to think was so much wiser and more experienced, and that everything out of their mouth was gold, and to see their faults for the first time.
7/23 2002: it's only 7:30 pm, a surprisingly early entry for me. today was my last oceanography class before the test tomorrow. i worked on my lab report from 5-2 last night, and today from 1-6. I think aim is to blame; whenever i am at a computer i have to turn it on, and inevitably, people speak. i need to shower, i am disgustingly comfortable. the way people interact with each other is interesting because sometimes you have no idea what another person is thinking, their opinions, etc. and for some other people, what's on their mind is but too apparent in their face. some don't even think anything at all. anyways, since i've been working so hard on schoolwork, i ordered two large pizzas, a pepperoni and a bacon. they will feed me for days! speaking of meat, i've been thinking about love a lot today, and i've come to the frightful conclusion that i probably won't find anyone good enough for me. i haven't gotten a real crush on anyone for over a year. i wish i could like someone. Am i emotionally cold? no. then what's the problem with me? there's not a single boy or girl that makes me weak in the knees. why should i want to change that! i'm stronger than most people when i'm like this.. i hope.
7/22 2002: ugh. i should not have waited until tonight to do my month's worth of homework, and now i have to spend time that i should be studying to work on my lab portfolio which is worth 100% of my lab grade. coffee is going to be my friend tomorrow and wednesday, until this schoolwork panic is over. i started taking a multivitamin again, in hopes that more iron will help me feel more like being alive and less fatigued. my spleen hurt last night, and gerry took me home for spaghetti. we watched jacob's ladder, and it is an interesting movie! i think that i am very hungry. i will eat, because i cannot afford to get sick anytime before thursday. I don't even have to time do this journal entry, but you know, a little sanity is priceless. there are disgusting bugs everywhere, they keep flying in front of my fan, and getting blown into me!
7/21 2002: the war was wonderful. there were good times and bad times, but i always love making and wearing garb. i didn't like this site too much, i didn't feel that it really let people imagine they were in the middle ages.
7/19 2002: time for the war! i am happy.
7/18 2002: it's actually about 6am on the 19th, but i haven't gone to bed yet from the 18th. work was long and tedious, but when i got back, i spent twelve hours in the lounge sewing garb for the ren fair later today. i am very pleased with what i made. i would like to sleep, but i have to get up again in an hour or two anyway, so it seems pointless. the birds sounded really weird.
7/17 2002: i was talking to asher about drumming last sunday, and he says that he thinks i experienced a musician's high. i got a little homework done, and crafted a bit. i don't feel as though i get enough alone time with my friends. it makes me sad that that is the only way i can feel really fulfilled in my friendships. dest was making me sad in class today; sometimes she treats me like she thinks she's much smarter than me (or anyone) and that she's above me or something, and that really pisses me off because test scores don't mean a damn thing in the real world. she's sick right now though, because of clay glaze. i can't really be sure if jessica is a hermaphrodite or not, she wouldn't tell me.
7/16 2002: oh my. not enough time to be as good a student as i want to be, i keep wasting time, but it's for my mental health i guess, or maybe i'm just a lazy ass. i hear weird mettallic sounds right now, i'm not sure if they are coming from outside, or from inside my neck. sometimes i hear sounds from inside my body, odd sounds. an exclamation point looks a bit like a foot print. i want to be a better student and friend, but i'm having big motivation problems lately. i'm feeling lonely right now, or at least that's what i've convinced myself, so that it will take my mind off studying, so that i won't feel guilty for not studying! why do i trick myself like this! it's as though i have the magical power that shall remain nameless, that Bink had, from Xanth.
7/15 2002: yeaaah... crazy drumming. i love the sound of it. i hate how people are looking at me all strange like, today, and making calous jokes about smurfs, as though i changed my hair to be silly, to stand out, or to amuse them in any way. it's something i wanted to do. i honestly never gave a thought to how others would see me. supper at gerry's was good, i stuffed myself on pasta and iced tea. i realize that the only people i usually talk about here is gerry and kary. gerry and kary this, gerry and kary that. oh well. they are the people i see most this summer, so of course my experiences are going to be with mostly them. i got a 63 on my oceanography test, it pissed me off; i misread the directions and didn't do an entire huge section. i feel like a looser, but i'll get a better grade on the next couple tests. today dragged, and i am so alone.
7/14 2002: today went fast. last night i had a huge, huge, huge fight with gerry, and it made me sad. it was over just a lot of little dumb things. he said he loved me and that i'm one of his closest friends, and i said the same to him, and we talked about sad things, i was standing on a little trampoline, and cars were going by. i feel bad because kary wanted to go swimming, but because of my getting mad at gerry, the whole idea got ruined. today seemed to pick up real slow. i cleaned a lot of my room, but there's so much more to do. my plants look nice. dest will be happy when she comes back. kary and i had a crazy wacky happy time at the drum circle, and then we went to denny's, and didn't stop laughing, and ordered a whole pie! we brought it back to gerry's scary house, and scared him with our screaming and giggling and laughing. he turned out the lights and hid in his closet to scare us. oh yeah, my hair is blue.
7/12 2002: last night i had duck at jefferey's with coffin, chelsea, and destiny. this morning i work up very sad and depressed. by the end of the day, me feet hurt badly.. and a bunch of cool kids hung out at gerry's for supper. i was going to call the police if i didn't hear from lynn today, but i found her. her new boyfriend seems nice. i think that jeffrey is seeing a side of me that he hasn't seen before. we had chicken fingers, honey dew melon, corn bread, and rice. it was a feast. tomorrow we will swim.
7/10 2002: me, gerry, kary, and a kid named billy did aerobics tonight! i broke into the group exersize room at the gym. the olive garden is a kick ass place. i don't think i've ever spent as much on a meal for just myself as i did tonight. it was delicious, and i didn't even get carded. isn't that fucking weird? i mean, i look like i'm twelve. at the olive garden was me, destiny, rick young, jefferey, lisa, that josh boy, a girl named tilly, and another girl who's name i don't remember, but she ordered the same dish as me, rosemary chicken marinated in a garlic sauce with brocolli and wierd little pasta that was shaped like the head of a penis. for dessert i had some good alcoholic cholate drink with ice cream. rick young's flying squirrel dyed in a most tragic way.
7/9 2002: my feet hurt because me, gerry, and kary walked around barefoot on some rocks in standish in the dark tonight. we tried to go swimming, but it was dark, and chilly, and the water was moving very fast. on saturday we will go back there. i think i'm finding a happy medium of stability in my life.. or at least for this minute in time. usually when i think everything is at an ok point, things erupt soon after. people are pusihg me in directions lately, and it's crazy. i want to be myself, and then i wonder if i'm nuts, or if they're nuts, and then how can everyone but me be nuts, or maybe i just think that because i'm nuts, or maybe i'm not nuts at all, and i just enjoy eating almonds. middle aged women are strange.
7/8 2002: starcraft is too very wonderful to be healthy! i hate it when i don't understand stuff.. and the plate tectonics lab today seemed so confusing, and unreliable, as though it couldn't posibly be done perfectly, and it pissed me off profusely. i'm being sort of social lately.. or am going to be. weird. i saw time today. he was quiet as usual, until i mentioned star wars. i've never eaten duck before, how scary. i may on thursday, but i hope not. must sleep, test in the morning! *
7/7 2002: i've been sleeping at gerry's a lot this weekend. if i didn't, i probably wouldn't eat. sometimes i can't make myself cook, and it's such a relief to have someone else do it. we watched red rose, a four hour long movie, and it was very scary and tastefully done. kary showed up nearish the end and i thought she was tara, and got all freaked out. kary squeeks when she laughs. she hasn't listened to her no doubt album, tragic kingdom, for five years. she lives across the hall. she drives a blue car. she ate plastic popcorn tonight. she doesn't like ticks. haha! she can never say i don't talk about her here, now. tomorrow is monday. joy. meh.
7/4 2002: last night me, gerry, mr coffin, destiny, and greg spent the night at julie's. today we spent almost six hours in the sweltering heat on a dumb remote road in the middle of no where with hardly any shade, to wait for a parade that lasted like.. 10 minutes, and i didn't even see hardly any of it because i was sitting in the hot car to get out of the sun, and every single one of us ended up getting badly burnt. the whole day just pissed me off. i hate it when people don't know things for sure, and they just drag you along, promising you things to make you happy, and to get you to wait longer, when they don't actually have any clue what any answers are. gerry and i watched moulin rouge when we got back, i'd never seen the ending before. it's sort of a happy/sappy/funny movie. it's ok. i hope destiny doesn't come home this second and find me naked. it's too hot to wear clothes. that's why i came home from gerry's, because i can't sleep naked there! time for sleep...
7/1 2002: today was hot. oceanography seems terribly fun and exiting. gerry and kary and i had yummy pizza, and i had to do a lot of poopy reading. i've decided that i don't drink nearly enough water, so i will try to drink 3000 ml everyday for a few days to see if it makes me feel better. kary said that i was like a queen, which is why no body dates me, because i seem unapproachable and unkind to strangers. i don't think i'm unkind, i just don't think i need to meet any more people, i have enough friends. i'm not adverse to meeting new people, i just don't understand the point. if they are older, they'll just go away soon and start their lives. if they are younger, i'll be leaving soon, and i'll just end up being a memory to them. if i don't have a special bond with someone, there doesn't seem like much of a point in hanging out with them. most people bore me. to death. i don't mean to be an antipeople person. It just sort of happened somewhere along the way. It makes me sort of lonely, but i've learned to be happy amusing myself, with sewing, and reading, and other various shit like that. hermitdom coming my way. maybe someday i'll like people, and i'll be very happy. hopefully i'll find a boy or girl, or several that really like me, and i'll like them.. and we can live happily ever after for a little while, or something like that.
6/30 2002: gerry and i spent the last 48 hours sewing, eating, sleeping, drinking, and watching movies. it was fun.
6/28 2002: i love kerry's puppies. jill and i didn't swim because it kept raining. dest is out being vaginal. i have to get up early in the morning to go with gerry to get fabric so he can have a costume for the war.
6/27 2002: damn hot out. i had fun visiting gerry. i don't like the ants at his house though, i think they poop in all the food and like to scare me. i called coffin today and chelsea answered, it was really strange. i can't find my fucking scissors and it makes me so angry that i want to break something.
6/26 2002: i had a really great conversation with gerry tonight. i really love talking to him. the hamburgers were good too. We also read a story aloud. kary was all crazy today and it was like she was on ritalin for a few minutes because she was all perky and happy. we will sew lovely dresses! today was very hot, and i don't like it to be hot out. it felt like my skin was melting off of my face. time for sleep.
6/25 2002: sometimes i get mad at myself for who i am. i hate being aware of my own faults, and not wanting or being able to change them. i had fun shopping with dest and kary. we bought fabric and patterns, and it was fun fun fun. i'm very tired now, though. so i'm going to sleep. meep.
6/24 2002: the play ended and it's been a crazy life. today i went to some girl's birthday party and played my drum and ate hot dogs and hamburgers. yesterday we had a cast party at adam's house. painting is fun; i am all blue. time for sleep, hunger hunger death death eat!
6/20 2002: i'm on an emotional roller coaster lately, it's nuts! the play went wonderful tonight, we had a fantastic audience. i love the show, but i'll be glad when it is over. kary brought me a carnation instant breakfast because i was hungry. she's a nice girl! i painted at the bookstore today for eight hours. it was fun, i like working with my hands. tomorrow i get a free breakfast!
6/19 2002: i feel like i'm losing a friend. he has no idea how heinous he's being.
6/18 2002: suckage. why must i be surrounded by assholes and ignorant, insensitive fucks? i just want to go to sleep, and make it go away, or drown myself in a bottle. i don't have to work tomorrow.. but i don't think that anyone will miss me.
6/17 2002: it's been a good many days since i wrote in here, i've been excrutiatingly busy.. so busy that i didn't realize that fie days had gone by. today was a new student orientation. destiny and laura were running the microwaves at the same time, and blew out the breaker between our rooms. i don't know about that coffin kid, i just don't know. i enjoyed the cast party the other night. we were there till 4:30am. i like to eat a lot. i like it when gerry smiles. sometimes he's much too serious. instead of running myself ragged, i'm going to get an early night's sleep.
6/12 2002: sleep. eat. must do these things. blarg! the lights are looking so good though. it scares me that i'm running them.
6/10 2002: i am compromising my health for this show, it's going to be good, dammit. someday i will get a good night's sleep, i'm sure of it. when will that day come? friday night i hope. i like power. i like to be in charge. mr coffin weirded me out today. there's this girl he likes, but i didn't think it would change his and my friendship at all. i saw him coming towards the theatre today through the windows, and as he walked through the door, i looked up to smile and say hello, expecting him to say hi at the same time, but he only saw the girl, and walked right by me. It's very cute, and i'm glad they like each other, but it just came as an odd realization that he has other priorities now.
6/8 2002: i am so tired. working on the show is very satisfying though, i'm almost glad that it takes up all of my time. the pants i am wearing rock. laura gave them to me before she went away forever. i need to eat, not eating is bad for me, but so easy. adam is playing his bass behind me. destiny is on the floor being weird with a stuffed bear. kary is sitting on her weird circle chair (the kind julianna and i drunkenly fell out of once in becka's room) and kary is talking about her trip in europe. i am going to plant shamrock soon.
6/7 2002: *
6/6 2002: i fucking hate it when he played the violin for me! growl! he makes me incredibly angry, and sad, and makes me feel bad about myself for things that aren't even anyones' fault. i took some beautiful pictures today. i want the play to be over, even though it's very fun. i need to not see him everyday, and i need to sleep, and be happy, and earn money, and eat, and go to the gym. blarg. things will be better tomrrow, probably.
6/4 2002: huh. as though i were weird to be around. everything is pissing me off at the second. rehearsal went well tonight. i look forward to some nice sleep.
6/3 2002: i like working at the bookstore, but sometimes i just hate being there, it is work, i guess. i bought some yummy food, and rehearsal went really great.
6/2 2002: i had some good conversation with gerry today. also i ate some of the sweet potatoes he made, damn delicous! we stopped by my house today since we were in monmouth, and saw my mom, and had some pizza. it was a happy day.
6/1 2002: hey it's been a year. neat. kary and i went out for milkshakes at denny's, it's tomorrow already. once again i lazed around all day. i didn't feel very good though.
5/31 2002: i worked in the theatre a lot today, on the set for mattress. gerry and i and mr coffin went to the super great wall, and played starcraft afterwards. it is damn hot.
5/30 2002: gerry and i argue all the time. it pisses me off.
5/28 2002: kary is back from europe. i'm feeling like a failure in many aspects of my life right now, i understand how gerry feels the same way. it sucks a lot. i wish i could be perfect, and happy at the same time. hopefully i can get out of work early tomorrow.
5/27 2002: gerry's home for the summer is nice. today i went with jeffrey and lisa to a state park two hours north, it was quite lovely, except for the flies. we had a picnic, and i made good biscuits.
5/26 2002: carnivores are neat. mr coffin and i are going to drink now. i slept till after noon today.
5/25 2002: last night was fun, but i didn't get much sleep. ironic because i saw the movie insomnia. tonight my stomach hurts a lot and i don't know what to do. i met a really nice person. jill and i made an amazing pizza.
5/23 2002: arg. i don't want to loose this friendship. it's weird, and he won't really talk to me, not in the way i want to talk. i think that i may never fall in love with anyone, and why do i have to know so goddamn much?
5/22 2002: the bookstore hired destiny, that's pretty cool. i'm happy with how strong my legs are getting. hopefully my arms will get some strength too soon. i like to eat yummies! i'm too cranky with mr coffin lately, i need to change that, he hasn't done anything to deserve it. gerry is having a real stressful time right now. it makes me sad. things will get better for him after the show.
5/21 2002: exhaustion. three more days until the weekend. i hope that destiny got hired. gerry only ate one piece of the pizza i made, and it made me sad because i invited him over for supper, and he spent the entire time doing his homework and not eating what i made. i guess if i want to spend quality time with him, i might as well take a picture and tape it to the wall or something. what does it mean to be alive? is it all just dumb, or wonderful, have meaning, or at least some sort of goal or place to end up? i am an athiest, so i can't pretend that a bunch of happy crappy will happen when i die, i'm about truth, not about something that will delude me into being 'happier.' i guess i just have to find where i fit in to everything, where i make sense.
5/20 2002: i just need to sleep, and sleep a lot, all the time, yeah! i like work, and i like when work is over, i like the gym, but i didn't want to go by myself. I'm pretty shallow this summer, or at least i'm not going very deep. i guess that happens when you are pretty much content... for the most part.
5/19 2002: back at school, i am. i like to eat, it is fun. i like to sleep too. it is weird to feel sick. i really haven't felt yucky for about a year. gerry gets stressed sometimes. for supper, jill and i made a chicken bbq pizza. yum yum. creativity is fun.
5/18 2002: i like plants a lot, and cooking. i made a neat chicken bbq pizza. and i babysat my nephews and talked to lee on the telephone. i got so many spices to take back with me!
5/17 2002: last night was especially nice. must have been due to deprivation or frustration. anyway, i think that i am happy right now. excersizing has done a lot to make me feel energetic and good about myself. tonight i make some kick ass biscuits. monmouth is weird.
5/16 2002: a long rehearsal! i like to feel productive and helpful.
5/15 2002: busy busy busy. star wars ep 2 is a fine fine film. i love the opening night experience, when die hards dress up and bring lightsabers, and clap roaringly when something pleases them.
5/14 2002: holy gym time batman. destiny is good at cooking eggs. i hate being hungry. me and gerry and kary went to denny's really late. gerry paid for me because i'm broke. he is a nice boy.
5/13 2002: i like the gym. i am a busy girl.
5/12 2002: the new room is weird. we have so much stuff. i need to get over my misplaced jealousy. i hate how it makes me feel, and i need to eat and brush my teeth and water my plants and do all those things that i can't seem to make myself do lately. i hope this summer is good.
5/11 2002: a long day of unpacking, and throwing out some stuff. i need a good night's sleep, and some food.
5/10 2002: gerry and i went to 99 for supper, and it was nice. moving is such a bitch. i have too many possessions that bog down my freedom, and tomorrow i am hoping to get rid of much of it. i just realized that my dish soap is probably upside down somewhere leaking all over something that i love. shit. oh well. *
5/9 2002: spa awards.
5/8 2002: reasearch papers suck ass. i only have one more paper to do though, and i have to pass them all in tomorrow. it will be quite a relief to me. of course, i have the challenges of the weekend, and the play next week. i really need a good night's sleep. oh well.
5/7 2002: sour apples (the drink) are really nasty. they leave a horrid after taste. me, julie, and adam bought a pint for matt meeds. i have to write that paper, i've put it off for so long.
5/5 2002: odd night. very very odd night. heh. julie freaked the hell out when i tried to push her up off me and the chair, so we could go home, but the chair fell over. everyone was so self destructive tonight.
5/4 2002: lynn showed up while i was working at the desk and brought a chocolate calzone. she broke up with a boy tonight after he spent a lot of money. i wish i had a boy. i want someone to cuddle with, with nice hair, and i would kill for some chicken strips with honey mustard sauce right now. hmm. it's after three, i just got out of work, should probably sleep now.
5/3 2002: spider man is an awesome movie! it did the comic book honor. many cool kids attended. today i got to hang with gerry for a bit of one on one time. i really have to have one on one time with my friends in order to feel completely satisfied with my relationships with them. people are different depending on who they are with, and that time when it's just you and them is so important.
5/2 2002: you know, just when i think i'm old enough to be mature about something, it just all goes out the window. two separate things made me cry within the same hour! jeeeeezus. what a horrible night.
5/1 2002: up late discussing.
4/30 2002: i like the library. adam fixed my broken tape for my birthday. i think that i am exremely tired, and should go to bed right now.
4/29 2002: the ten minute play festival lasted so long, i struggled to remain awake. gerry came over, and then julie, and we played a game in the lounge. julie played her guitar, and we tickled gerry. he is very violent when ticklish. he's a hard person to tickle because he is good at 'shutting it off.'
4/28 2002: the days go by so quicky, and i can't wait for summer. i love my new shoes like there's no tomorrow. i went out to eat with mr coffin and jeffrey to a nice italian restaurant in westbrook. i love ricotta cheese on my pizza.
4/27 2002: so tired. my new shoes are really quite splendid. some people i really can't stand. also, gerry said he'd visit me at the desk tonight, like he has said he would for the past couple months, but he always forgets me. sometimes i think he likes to make me sad to punish me for wanting to hang out, as if i'm a bad person because i don't want to just sit around and amuse myself for hours. fuck that. when i have a problem, i need someone who listens, not someone who makes me feel stupid for having a problem in the first place. i wish it were not so easy to read some peoples' thoughts. sometimes life sucks, but i got two new pairs of shoes today, some shorts, and a brita water filter, so there's good stuff too. i can't keep my eyes open long enough to list everything all off however.
4/26 2002: just after midnight my room filled up with people who gave me a birthday themed with things that i hate. so funny! i got a pepper and onion sandwich, soda, a monkey, board games, etc. tonight me and julie and gerry went to 'take back the nights' in portland, and then went to where java joe's used to be and had cocoas. then we went to sebago brewing company and julie bought me a margerita. The bartender gave me a free tirimisu because it's my 21st birthday. then we went to brian baru's ( i don't know how to spell it) and danced to some irish music. then we went to the cast party of multimediaton, and danced and stayed for a few hours. then we came back and dropped gerry off at his dorm. he was sick and tired, and the cigarette smoke didn't help him any. julie and i couldn't get the cork off of my bottle of wine, so we got yak, and he opened it, and helped us drink half the bottle. we had a banana flavored donut too, as well as a pizza hot pocket, and a pizza burrito. then we got some warmer clothes on and went out for a little walk, and then came in. I gave julie a big wet sloppy kiss on the cheek with some tongue. there was so much dirty dancing tonight, yay! i had a lot of fun on my 21st birthday.
4/25 2002: chinese auction... busy-ness. destiny and mr coffin spend the night.
4/24 2002: mr coffin's birthday. i sent him a coming out card this morning, and made a real one and taped it to his office door. me and kary and gerry cuddled in the lounge for two hours. two packages came in the mail today, and jason's vcr ate one of my tapes.
4/23 2002: i'm staying up till midnight to call mr coffin and wish him a happy birthday. also, i am learning to 'smoke' a cigarette for my acting class. school is so annoying. soon it shall be out of the way. jason is an amazing singer.
4/22 2002: yoga is hard, but enjoyable. i didn't really enjoy it too much, for reasons that would make me a bad person were i to say them aloud. such hunger and tiredness! mr coffin came over and we watched some doctor who, only i fell asleep. diaries are cool.
4/21 2002: there are never enough hours in the day. i have a cigarette to pretend to smoke for a scene in acting. i've never touched one before, so i have to practice a lot, to look like i know how to hold it and stuff. i'm looking forward to aerobics tomorrow. destiny and mr coffin are going. the days are just packed.
4/20 2002: happy holiday i guess. where were all the people outside playing drums like last year? i'm on such a bag making spree this weekend. i can't believe i'm going to be twenty-one in less than a week. it feels weird.
4/19 2002: the concert was interesting. i like the inflatables. just thinking about the climbing wall made me so brave, but once i got halfway up, i just had to turn back. destiny came over, and we watched 'leprechaun' in chris and jason's room with amy, casey, and nate. my eyes hurt. i think i'm allergic to my mascara.
4/18 2002: a lot of people were excited about the announcement of the cast of once upon a mattress. i got to pratice dancing, and i got my dancing partner a date to the dance on saturday; i'm making gerry go with her. it is nice of him to do. mr. coffin stopped by real late, but i stayed up a lot later. sometimes lately i can't be sure if i'm really depressed or really happy. what is the difference? i find that my most interesting thoughts come when i am riding on the bus.
4/17 2002: so deliriously tired. i don't like it when people get angry at me, and i wish we'd had a better turnout for auditions, but oh well. i can't believe that mr coffin tried out. i like the gym and aerobics. it's super fun. i hate being unprepared for classes.. but i usually am lately.
4/16 2002: i'm finally feeling like the things i want to do are possible. erin bought me some cheese sticks. she is nice. i want to dance!
4/15 2002: i dreamt last night that i was slowly dying of cancer, that my body had become weak, and that over time i was becoming accepting of my fate. when i woke up, i suddenly got scared and couldn't remember if it was just a dream, or if it had really happened. then i got over it and went to the gym. i like lifting weights. julianna is a crazy chica. she has a presentation due tomorrow, and showed it to me, it's very funny. i finished a paper. i am happy.
4/14 2002: julie and i went to an amazing drum circle. it was a weird day where i didn't get much of anything done that i was supposed to do. sometimes gerry and i differ a lot in the way we think, and it frustrates me a lot. at one point during the day today, the colors of my room were the most beautiful they've ever been. my appetite was non-existant today. mr coffin is sick, but we still used his potty. ran numbers and choosing classes bites!
4/13 2002: a day of nothing. pink underwear. i realized that people laugh differently if they are friends with the people they are laughing at. i like listening to a capella music. a lot of people like to get high in my building. i worked the 11-3 am security shift. "you're so much...like me... i'm sorry."
4/12 2002: i haven't had time for much of anything lately, and i've had much too much free time. i am always too tired at night and too tired in the morning. i got a room in phillipi, but not in a single. at least i get to live with destiny. i watched the talented mr ripley with chris/casey/jason/amy/jill and it was a creepy movie. someone hacked chris's aim account. i've had my icq account hacked into, i know what he's feeling, and it's crappy and angering. on another note, sometimes i think i tell people too much about myself. also, julie and i played music with food containers in the lounge, it was fun.
4/10 2002: *
4/7 2002: it's been a long while, i know. getting back into the swing of things has been hard. i'm not liking school very much right now, and my motivation is way down. i saw the spa play true west on thursday night, it was a very nice show. the days go by so quickly, and yet sometime s too slow. the mtp bottle drive was met with success. tonight julie and kurt and i formed a food percussion band.
4/2 2002: a scratch. school is so hard! at least i got some important paperwork all filled out today. there's lots of stuff planned for this week.
4/1 2002: trickery, yay! i'd forgotten how much i hate school and homework. all i want to do is sleep. gerry left me a message on my voice mail and it was silly. my drum is made of goat. my eyes hurt; i have too many papers to write, too many books to read. if i lived in africa, i would be able to make time for everything.
3/31 2002: back in my room. it wasn't that hot, and my plants are happy for the water. there were matzo balls at supper, and they were ever so scrumptious. school. bleah. i need some good sleep, and to get up early to go to aerobics tomorrow. i love my bed. it hasn't been slept in for over a week.
3/30 2002: i bought a drum (a djembe) and got the film developed. yak came from his home and went out to chinese with me and mr c. then we went to destiny's and hung out with she and greg.
3/29 2002: the bus that we were first supposed to get on was over an hour late to begin with, and then in the middle of the night, say 3am-ish, we sat in a parking lot in one of the carolinas waiting for our new driver to arrive, and he was hours late, and mean and slow. sleeping on busses suck more than anything. we got home really late and desi picked us up outside the portland bus terminal because it closes early so we had to wait outside in the cold. at least i brought my hat and scarf! now we are back, ready for a vacation from the vacation. georgia is beautiful. at one point on the bus, we were so hungry that we bought a bunch of food at the boston terminal, ate it all, and then felt queasy and sick. there were constant headaches on the busses too. i've decided that i hate busses a lot. at least we got to see a movie when we were on the peter pan bus, erin brokovitch. it is a good movie.
3/27 2002: we went out on a boat into international waters, and gambled. i only gambled three dollars, just so i can say that i did. there were so many old people, and it made me sad to see how crazy they are about gambling. there were so many stereotypes. southern man in white suit with a cigar, gold rings, and a bunch of money tokens. seriously. southern people are weird. and get this, they are allowed to smoke on boats down here, and in restaurants! it seems so wrong. the food on the boat was nice, and i loved the dance floor on the third deck. the windows up there were made of plastic and they moved with the wind. i ate a lot of green peppermints.
3/26 2002: another beautiful day. i bought a disposable camera and mr c and i took pictures of us, and palmtrees, and spanish moss, and other such georgia type things. we watched rat race last night, very good film. i bought spf 50 sunscreen. early this morning we went out rick young's window and sat on the chairs on the roof and all the birds were singing, and landing in palm trees and such. cool shit! it feels like we're in a different country, in paradise or something, but it's only georgia!
3/25 2002: mr c and i have decided that we hate the outdoors, at least in georgia. we went for a two hour walk today, thinking we'd end up in the center of town, but went the wrong way, and instead had a nice long walk along a highway with no sidewalks or paved shoulders, but a slant filled with fire ants and bugs and sun and heat. we went out to eat at night and had some delicious food. sweet tea is the same thing as iced tea. weird.
3/24 2002: a 30 hours bus trip to georgia is over.
3/22 2002: it feels weird to have someone engage in illegal activity in your presence when someone could walk in, and get you both in trouble. people should be more considerate of others with their actions. tonight was weird. i'm not sure i'll ever have enough time, and yet it's supposed to be vacation.
3/21 2002: extremely tired. sort of down tonight, and mr c and i went to denny's and dunkin donuts. we didn't actually go in, we just drove into the parking lots and talked about whether we were hungry or not, and drove away. three deer crossed the road in front of us, and in wal*mart, a ceiling tile crashed to the ground in front of us from the high ceiling, and water splashed onto some clothes, and created a big puddle on the floor. weird shit happens sometimes. i'm glad. i bought a magazine for the bus ride.
3/20 2002: up late dancing.
3/19 2002: the coffee house was really good, and very entertaining. i am actually exited about next semester, which is weird, because i am hating school a lot right now. i just realized that tomorrow is wednesday, and i'll get to eat breakfast, which is good, because i am extremely hungry. kary read some of my diary. weird! i know it's on the internet and all, but still, i generally just always assume that no one's ever going to see it.
3/18 2002: i haven't been a good student lately. i am exited to live with destiny this summer and next fall. i don't know how to start caring about homework again. sometimes i wonder if aerobics is doing any good. sometimes i wish i was perfect, that i got everything in on time, did well at everything, and never made mistakes. i am so depressed because i have a foot high pile of junk all over my bed to clean off, and it's mostly homework and important stuff so i can't just throw it off, but i am oh so tired, and want to be asleep at least an hour ago.
3/17 2002: a good day of wasting time and relaxing. i spent three hours working on the mtp page though, and now geocities is being a whore and denying access to them. sigh. dancing last night was extremely fun. gerry is a great dancer. lynn visited me too, because i worked till three after dancing. tonight greg visited me.
3/15 2002: so much to do, so little time. i watched american pie two with gerry, destiny, and greg. it was just a weird evening, and i'm not sure how i feel about it.
3/14 2002: sadly, the mt meeting was very low key. it seems like the world is horrible today, and i feel like such a bitch. i tricked mr coffin into taking me to denny's. he is very fun to hang out with. there's weird hillbilly music coming from the outside, and it worries me. i love the freedom i found this semester to not care about things, which helps me not get hurt or feel like a bad person. it seems that lately i have no appetite. i think that i may be god.
3/13 2002: jeffrey's birthday. we all ate at ben kay japanese restaurant. grossness. mr c had octopus, jeffrey and lisa had eel. i wasn't feeling good to begin with. i guess it was a good experience. i know that i could never live in japan. after, we all went to lisa's apartment and ate delicious cake she made with strawberries and blackberries. i like her cat a lot. time to swig some liquid tylenol. i feel like shit. *
3/12 2002: bodies are fun. saturday i'm going to go ballroom dancing, and i'm looking forward to it. tomorrow is jefferey's birthday, and his party is at some japanese restaurant that sounds like Ben Gay. i've been in a funk lately. just getting out of bed depresses me. i actually bought a chocolate bar yesterday in hopes that it would help. i'm beginning to realize how friendships suck, because if the people are older, they eventually move away, and you are stuck with a bunch of people who were formerly aquaintances only, but because of the lack of friends, you are forced to treat the aquantainces like friends, and the whole thing is very upsetting.
3/11 2002: so late it feels. so late it is. sometimes i haven't any motivation, and i just sit and stare, or think nothing thoughts, anything to keep me from doing the work i have to do. i waste so much time this way. it's a wonder i get anything done at all.
3/10 2002: last night i went to the pisces party. it was ok, but very mellow. i wish there had been drums and dancing. rum is gross. today i did my laundry. clean undies! mr c and destiny and i went to ricetta's. i like ricotta pizza best. there is so much sadness all around me lately. i want to run away from it, but when i do, i get lonely, and then come back.
3/8 2002: till late we played tag, jumped rope, and listened to guitar. destiny is trying to learn to use her unicycle. my eyes sting and i hunger for food. sometimes the thing i love most in the world is my bed.
3/7 2002: tonight mr c and i pretended to be bohemians. we went to a cafe with books, and drank white chocolate cocoa. also, we went to two comic book stores. today was slow, but happy. Tonight i bid on the key to hell. i must posess it.
3/6 2002: some worries come off of my shoulders, and i am exited about going on a trip! la la la. sometimes i wonder how the human body, so fragile, can do anything at all. cane toads are creepy.
3/5 2002: well this was an ok night. i talked to him about why i was sad, and it's way taken care of. i need another vacation badly. homework sucks ass like nothing else. my eyes can't take being open, oh, what i wouldn't give to be in a coma for a month!
3/2 2002: drunk people are gross. i like to paint. oh destiny! scrumptuous slumber awaits.
3/1 2002: dancing is fun. i am tired. destiny is eating chips on my bed. life is hard to live. i almost cried today when i realized that the food place was closed, and ever so hungry i felt. i toured a hospital in the afternoon and saw lots of sick children, with cancer, and they were walking around with their iv poles. so so sad.
2/28 2002: i needed a personal day today, badly, so i actually for the almost first true time, skipped class. what a show we put on! it didn't seem like it would come together, and then whamo! it came together so beautifully. i discovered the rush of performing. i wasn't even scared like i thought i'd be. tired now, and my foot hurts. it got run over.
2/26 2002: i am exited for the cabaret, and scared about singing! so so so tired. my story that i am writing is exiting and fun. sometimes he makes me sad.
2/24 2002: i dislike being so busy, and tired. growl. how do i even manage to survive? sometimes i wish i didn't really exist, but actually did somewhere ethereal, like i could lie for eternity on a big pillow with snacks and music and not a care in existance. having to be alive is so so difficult and stressfull and time consuming. some of my plants died over vacation. i'm very sad about that, but my very first plant, one i took to be dying, has new growth on it!
2/23 2002: always always always always save the game! i feel so guilty for wasting so much of my life, and not doing the things that i had wanted to do. my wisdom teeth hurt so much.
2/21 2001: this was an interesting evening. i'll never think of that room in the same way again. pizza rediscovered. my plant is dying. oh my. homeless!
2/20 2002: my house is very hot. i ate a lot of grease. mr coffin is on the floor. i have to pee. i have made it to terra!
2/19 2002: hair vanity, it happens. a horrible-waste-of-time-day just had to follow a productive-get-a-lot-done-day. i'm in a glass case here, and everyone is watching me.
2/18 2002: being home is weird. i miss my room. i miss not being treated like a 12 year old. everything is so hopeless, there's even spiders where there's been spiders a million times before, in the bathroom. i just want to go away, and i want to cook eggs, dammit.. eggs!
2/16 2002: being in portland when i have no need to be... and mr c comes and takes me to the mall to buy a ps2 game that he doesn't have a system for, and the snow is angry, and my room is being cleaned, and i smell bad, and i have to move out, and i want to be social, but i'm crazy and nobody wants to eat my po ta to chips! i like this shirt i'm wearing. it looks good on me. georgia. i'm going to georgia. not now.. but soon.
2/14 2002: ahh black thursday. the wretched day of love. i am elected secretary, and the vagina monologues were amazing. i got a bunch of free stuff!
2/13 2002: i'm glad that yesterday is over. it was very depressing. today i had a wonderful lunch with mr c and lynn, and desi stopped by at night with a valentine. i just don't know what's become of myself. my life is a mess, and perhaps it is a good thing. when things are a mess, they are all out in the open and everywhere, but when things are tidy, they are hidden and repressed. yeah. sometimes i just want to run away. i need to keep a certain jealousy under control. i have no right to feel that way. i am glad that there are people who care about me... sometimes i wonder.
2/11 2002: as per usual i got no schoolwork done. the meeting was good. valentines were good. i feel weird. at least the red menace is present, thankfully.
2/10 2002: sad lately. i had a good talk with chris about books, and mr coffin came over for a couple hours. maybe there won't be school tomorrow. an asterisk i hope.*
2/8 2002: dude three times. today was so monotonously boring and long. first i had to work, and then the bso meeting went on for three hours! my eyes actually hurt. they need sleep.
2/6 2002: sickness and busy-ness. last night mr coffin's car was locked in a parking garage, and we were in portland.
2/4 2001: there are friends in my room! it was a very off day until now. aerobics is a wonderous thing.
2/3 2002: snow tubing is the shizzat, i love it. drunk people fucking suck. superbowls are retarded, and are a dumb reason to get trashed. oh the negativity i am spouting! it is simply that i just worked a shift at the security desk and had to deal with a lot of drunk boys being dumb and scary.
2/2 2002: i never seem able to take naps, but at least i tried. i have to go to work in less than an hour.. work till 3am, and wake up at 8am to go snow tubing. yuck. at least i have some caffeine.
2/1 2002: tonight was wonderful, julie and a boy named chris and me choreographed a dance, and we played a singing song game with amy, and drew pictures to decorate julie's door. i played too much ff9 today.
1/31 2002: yay ff9! tired, and ate too much bad for me food. bountiful snow, i should wear my hat! my hat doesn't even belong to me. hopefully there will be no work tomorrow.
1/30 2001: so tired tired tired. i wrote a really nice story today.
1/29 2002: so tired. so tired. so tired. gerry and i took care of the mtp budget. it's a monster.
1/28 2002: mr coffin went to aerobics. alien ant farm is out, but maybe nickelback. i can't wait to eat breakfast. i love to eat.
1/27 2002: i had the almost unsatiable need to buy plants today. mr coffin took me. he is really a very kind friend to comply with my whims.
1/26 2002: it is lost.
1/25 2002: electrocution.. i can but hardly wait to inflict this imaginary torture upon some deserving victim. killer is the game. love is sad. with some more practice, i will truly become unfeeling, then i shall be of stronger will, and my heart not so easily tampered with.
1/24 2002: ahh the weekend. oh the engagements. theoretically, i don't have any free time until a week from tomorrow. at least i got my room cleaned tonight, and it looks spectacular, i must say! i like to feel important.
1/23 2002: lately i've been so tired before bed, and i've had so much work, that i just go right to bed when i'm done, and not write an entry. i am completely and utterly busy. i'm in charge of tickets for hopefully alien ant farm in april. soon i will step down as treasurer. i want to be healthy. i want my friends to be happy. reading two novels a week is killing me.
1/17 2002: i am sick and nobody knows what's wrong.
1/14 2002: it is only just the beginning, and yet i am so busy already! aakk! i hope it will be an exiting semester.*
1/13 2002: change is strange but very good. we had a going away party for jessiker because she's going to washington for six months.
1/12 2002: i'm going home! it's too bad that we are having a storm tomorrow.. but i like snow. jessica's going away party is tomorrow. she'd better come back.
1/11 2002: packing and cooking and wrapping oh my!
1/10 2002: i will have abs some day! the bag i made is so pretty. my lip keeps ripping. pee! too much tv! brain is mush.. mushy mush.
1/7 2002: nicholas was very sick today, and i watched him because my sister had jury duty. i made scrambled eggs for the very first time ever!
1/6 2002: bored out of my skull. why does it have to be so easy to reach such a state? nicholas was sick today, it was sad. it is sad when friendships end, too, or when you just know that a friendship is diminishing towards good, to simple politness, to never seeing each other again. i hate the news.
1/5 2002: i spent a bunch of days with mr c. it was very much fun!
1/3 2002: the long silence, and final fantasy. strange dreams again.
1/1 2002: i'm ready for a vacation from my vacation. i'm going to spend a few days at mr c's place.
12/31 2001: i spent new year's eve with the edwards'.
12/30 2001: i like dinosaurs.
12/29 2001: i'm glad science fiction exists. life would be so boring without it.
12/28 2001: my nephews are very cute.
12/27 2001: i slept in late, but felt odd when i woke, headache? backache? it is weird not being in my normal bed. lee came over today, we had fun.
12/26 2001: lord of the rings is an amazing movie. the elven archer kicks ass. me and mr c and gerry went to see it, the first show was sold out, so we had to wait until the 10:15 showing, and didn't get back to my house till after 2 am. they still had an hour to drive, poor boys. it was great fun, nonetheless.
12/25 2001: lions and alligators. christmas was good, a lot of little kids.
12/23 2001: shopping and wrapping is so exhausting. there is too much chocolate readily available. i love getting enough sleep!
12/22 2001: i like to wrap. home is pretty good. the world is weird, a circle of live, crossed by two roads, the road of happiness, and the road of saddness.
12/20 2001: i got up at 5:30 am this morning to finish writing my paper. so much to do! all i've left though is an extra credit project. i like my scarf. gerry is a good friend. i think i am looking foreward to going home, it will be a nice vacation.
12/18 2001: work is hard, and fun. i hurt my back, errr lower back lifting boxes, but hopefully i'll be ok in the morning. a big bad final in a couple days, i hope i'll be ready but theory is really, totally, absolutely not my thing. mr c is coming over for cocoa.*
12/17 2001: i'd forgotten how much work can take out of me. i wish people were more diligent and reliable!
12/16 2001: i almost got run over, dumb motorist. too much stuff to do this week, how poopiful! i am looking foreward to a good night's sleep.
12/15 2001: i love hiking through portland, the the causeway with the rocks and the lighthouse and the ruin type battle forges. i folded the napkins for supper into birds.
12/14 2001: another class is over, yay! i really like the good cake and pie. i don't know why boy is sad, but i hope it doesn't last long. i like my friends to be happy.
12/13 2001: things are ending so quickly, and i love potato chips.
12/12 2001: yay free cocoa! when i woke up this morning i felt scared, because i sensed that i was not alone, and the feeling lasted for a while. ghosts.
12/11 2001: why do i get up early willingly? i hate how busy everyone is right now. i hate change. lain is once again on my door.
12/10 2001: i need a vacation! it was the class for my history of the english language, yay, horray!
12/9 2001: today felt christmasy because of the snow, and i wrapped some presents for people. i bought some beautiful grey wrapping paper, and i'm tying up the presents with brightly colored ribbons.
12/8 2001: i spent the day walking around portland with greg, destiny, and rebecca, in the cold and hungry, realizing what it was like to be homeless. for supper, we had pot luck, and it was marvellous, and mr coffin didn't forget to find me to go to a play. gerry did good. headaches are bad. rock the casbah!
12/7 2001: i like it when lynn visits. vanilla chai is delicious! serious topics. truly.
12/5 2001: yak cut his hair! stars are pretty. i may pursue the trouble i had.
12/5 2001: there are too many things about life that make me sad, and i'm not sure if i can learn to deal with them.
12/4 2001: red hotdogs are bad for me... very very bad for me. i like tv. mr c says that i am not crazy, so i guess that's that!
12/3 2001: i like book sales, and musical theatre cabarets are good.
12/2 2001: people always fall through. i can't trust anyone but myself, and even that is a curious thing sometimes. french toast is wonderful.
12/1 2001: never have i felt so much like not waking up. the world is a beautiful place, but i experience it with a level of discomfort.
11/30 2001: early this morning was sad, or late last night. people can be mean and bad.
11/29 2001: tonight was fun. spy hard is a funny movie. i need to do laundry. 'this state of... emergency.. how beautiful.. to me.'
11/28 2001: i feel productive. i am going to get a lot of sleep tonight! the world is a party, and it's really damn crazy. maybe i understand it all, and maybe i don't want to.
11/27 2001: i was about to say 'i like sci fi' when i realized that i said it yesterday. greg came over and we hung out. i did my homework, but we still had some good conversation. all the pens got stolen.
11/26 2001: tv is evil. i like sci fi. greg and i will go to a museum. i like my room.
11/25 2001: so tired. i don't like these emotional ups and downs, all is in such turmoil, and yet so calm. a good night's sleep will do me well.
11/24 2001: shopping has to be one of the most fun things to do in the world.. life was getting on my nerves though. money scares me a lot.
11/23 2001: blue is so truly moving, and i do love photographs. i feel like my life is passing me by, and i haven't done the things that i should have.
11/22 2001: i like tv and little kids. amber is staying the night. stickers and business cards also are very nice. who am i kidding... i need a hobby! it feels like christmas, strangely enough. i hope that some day i will be truly happy.
11/21 2001: too much television. too much egg nog.
11/20 2001: *
11/19 2001: mondays are gross, but i got my essay done, and it's pretty cool. i met gerry at the snack shack, and hung up my new posters.
11/18 2001: so tired today, but got a lot of cool batman comics, and some swell posters. i hung out with some cool kids, and ate too much pizza and greasy food. lynn came over tonight, and i had someone cover my shift.
11/17 2001: french toast at lunch! the play was bizarre, but i liked it. spending the night at mr c's, and we're going to a comic book convention tomorrow with ben. sleeping on couches hurts.
11/16 2001: full of hate and anger and lonliness today. i wish i had some french toast. tomorrow will be better.
11/15 2001: today was boring and i have headache. i am tired and want to sleep.
11/14 2001: scary dream last night. expressionless green faced men trying to kill me, what is the only way to stop them? "you don't want to know." i woke up, but wouldn't open my eyes, i was afraid. i love my new pj pants.
11/13 2001: drew barrymore movies are superb. i won't let anyone turn me into a girl though! heh. can a person eat too much salad? i wish i had a rolly chair with wheels.
11/12 2001: so tired. it is almost two am, i had to do laundry before tomorrow. the world is weird. a few nights ago i dreamt that i died, and still remember driving off the skyscraper, and feeling my body go limp. i will eat some vegetables at lunch tomorrow.
11/11 2001: last night mr coffin and i killed each other. i ate 10 ounces of cow. gerry and i hung out a little today. it made me happy. greg came over too!
11/8 2001: ouch, and i am so incredibly tired! the singer of incubus has a nice voice. i like eating healthy. i don't like pooping. mr coffin ate lunch by himself.
11/7 2001: i like starcraft. i like sleep. i like television. i want to go on an adventure, the world is a very wonderful place.
11/6 2001: emotional dreams last night. it is weird to dream that you are crying. my room is beautiful! i've been eating well for three days now, but oh the cleansing! i love my plants.
11/5 2001: damn i'm crazy. acting is fun, and i wish i had more friends, but the ones i've got are really wonderful. wonderful only has one 'l'. it seems like it should have two, as though it were -full of wonder-.
11/4 2001: weird/scary lunch. it feels like i've turned over a new leaf, and i'm not even sure why. mysterious america.
11/3 2001: i like dancing. people are nice, i should give them more of a chance. went to lucn at amato's with lynn and mr c. they are wonderful kids. i'm glad that some movies can make me cry.
11/2 2001: feeling weird. not much happened today, and i wish there was a little more exitment.
11/1 2001: julie and chris and i had a dance party in the lounge tonight, and we meditated afterwards, it was fun! at lunch today there was a beautiful black bean barbecue sauce dish. i like my plants. i like english.
10/31 2001: all hallow's eve. a full moon, and a blue moon. i walked the day as a medieval girl, and seven of us held a seance infront of the painting building. it was lovely.
10/30 2001: today was pretty good. i got shopping for some salt and chalk. my uncanny class is always fun. i called an old friend, he seemed sad.
10/29 2001: how can it be that each day gets worse than the one before it? kind of comical. today wasn't all bad, but i don't like people getting mad at me. it is one of the few things that can make me unravel, and i become destructive, and start not caring about who i make mad or hurt.
10/28 2001: i didn't get any studying done today at all.. but i was in good company. i like my friends. life is really hard for me right now, but it is not without some happiness.
10/27 2001: another day shot to hell. it will be an eternal question for me, to figure out if i'm the one with the problem, or if its everyone else.
10/26 2001: next semester's classes came out today in blue books. i am very sleep now. the two documentaries we watched in class were cool!
10/25 2001: ice cream is good. so was the play! time for sleep, tired tired.
10/24 2001: death of a dream world, the forrest is bulldozed. kurt checks this to see if i mention him. peanutbutter m&ms have been giving me stomache aches lately, maybe because i've been gorging myself on them.
10/23 2001: another worst day of my life. some people are so mean. cried a lot.
10/22 2001: pagebuilder isn't working for this page anymore... i don't know why, but it makes me sad. I guess probably because i've forgotten how to do it the old way, but here's trying. dumb html.*
10/18 2001: kurt drove me to class, but my class was cancelled, and a bus, not mine, broke down. we had an mtplayers meeting tonight, and i think it went really well. mr coffin hung out for a bit tonight. he is fun.
10/17 2001: i thought i'd get to use my new umbrella today, but it stopped raining right before i got outside! page numbers are dumb.
10/16 2001: sometimes i am really lazy. i ate lunch with lynn at amato's. i got mad at gerry because of his indefinite answers, and am still frustrated by him. mr c came over, and we had pizza and cheezy bread.
10/15 2001: my monologue is totally memorized! i am so proud of myself. there was wondrous cheesecake at lunch today. mmmm. i hope there's some left for tomorrow's lunch. probably not though. it was really good. mr c said he'd play, but instead went with some other kids. that's ok. i amused myself. i love the book i have to read for my theory class.
10/14 2001: jessica came to visit, and it was jolly. she burned her hair with some candles last night because she was trashed. when she told me, i thought it was goddam hilarious! gerry came over at night because i had to talk to him. sometimes i'm a crazy nut case, and i need to re-evaluate my friendships a lot. It ended well.
10/13 2001: i love my plants, and my nice clean room. lynn is coming to visit, and i am going to memorize my lines.
10/12 2001: sick, and a little sad. feeling like i don't belong anywhere.
10/11 2001: keriokee is fun.
10/9 2001: cold. the bottle drive was a lot of fun, and sometimes it isn't scary to talk to strangers. adam is my cousin.
10/8 2001: today was nice. gerry and i scouted out the place for tomorrow's bottle drive. and at night we watched two jim carey movies with some other cool kids. julie's plants seem a little limp, i think it's the cold. the boys above me are listening to queen.
10/5 2001: now i've got a fish! it's not mine, but i'm watching it for the weekend. i didn't eat anything today that was good for me. i did good on a test i think, and made a webpage for the mt players.
10/4 2001: plants galore, yay! fucking shit why didn't i take that paper out of my pocket before i did my laundry? fargo is a good movie even though i hated it.
10/3 2001: a really off day for me, but i had some fun. have to do some laundry tomorrow, my sheets are atrocious. i decided that i feel happy and depressed, not somewhere in the middle, but both of them. i weird myself out somtimes.
10/2 2001: there's always so much to do, so little time. i enjoy feeling studious though, but it sucks when i feel like i don't understand anything. i cannot wait to go to bed, but i must do some more work, for i shall be too sleepy to do it in the morning. kurt is just dying to know.
10/1 2001: i bought a cosmo! acting class went really well. i played starcraft with mr c and creature last night.
9/30 2001: oh, i never do my homework. someday it'll catch up with me and i'll be in big shit. i bought mr c. a plant because i thought he needed one. lynn was around a lot, and that was super! gerry made milkshakes at supper.
9/28 2001: i hate fridays because they are so busy and stressful. tonight we had a birthday party for matt in the lounge, and i made a cake out of twinkies, and froster it over. gerry and i played the conversation game, and were up late.
9/27 2001: today wasn't bad. the pangeos was nice, and i only have one more class till the weekend is over. i'm pretty sure that i won at malarky. i got to 'play' some this afternoon, and i moved around all of my furniture.
9/26 2001: a fun day. a busy day, but not without enjoyment. mr c brought me a milkshake, and we both have high iqs. the butter flavor of the microwave popcorn seeped out of the bag. my bed is so comfortable!
9/25 2001: oh, i am such a slacker! i have things to do, and yet i just play play play, play the day away. it is good to have a rest though. i got two loads of laundry cleaned. today was a good day, even though it rained a lot and a lot. i don't like getting wet, and some balsamic vinegrette splashed me at supper, off a cucumber.
9/24 2001: i watched a movie, had some ziti, all by myself! i got to relax a little today, even though it's been busy. i had to work, and had two classes, one of them through dinner. if only i didn't have all these zits, life would be pretty good right now.
9/23 2001: i slept a lot last night, until 12:30 in the afternoon. i got to play with jessica, and we did fun stuff, and watched monkeybone. gerry brought me some food, he is a nice boy. now it is late, and hard to be tired. i work early, so i hope i can fall asleep. *
9/22 2001: he won't play with me anymore. i don't understand. or maybe i don't want to. autumnal equinox. 3000 miles to graceland, it's a funny movie, i liked it. time for sleep now.
9/21 2001: bjork is cool. today i had some lovely ice cream at mr c's house, with magik shell. i don't like the rain, and getting wet, and i'm happy that the water no longer falls. it is a good night. good company.
9/20 2001: fucking video games. i'm sad, and tired.
9/19 2001: the birthday of nate green and adam west. stressfull, sleepy. bah! if only there was more time in a day. tomorrow will be good though, as soon as all of my engagements are over with, and i can rest.
9/17 2001: teenage mutant ninja turtles. i am hungry, and sleepy. it is difficult to concentrate on either of those things, including homework, when i have so much unpacking and organizing to do.
9/16 2001: i moved up a couple floors today, into a single. it is a really nice room. it took all day to move all of my crap. i've so much of it! now i am extremely tired, and have to work early. bleah.
9/14 2001: i might be moving.
9/13 2001: ha. oh poor mr. coffin. memento is a good movie, makes me question my sanity. gerry and i talked, i think all will be ok. dark templars are pretty. tomorrow is friday, yesssss.
9/12 2001: a lot of people died yesterday. i was at work, and didn't believe it till i saw the people crowded in front of the tv screen.
9/10 2001: i hate homework, but feel satisfied once it is done. i got into the acting class i wanted, and it seems like it will be a lot of fun! it's only 10:30, and yet i'm pretty sleepy. i work at the bookstore in the morning. i'm both happy and sad to have some real structure in my life.
9/9 2001: i didn't get anything done today that i wanted to get done, but that's ok. there are moths that keep flying near my fan, and they get sucked in and spit out, or fly in front and get a boost. i like salads. my eye is really red. tomorrow is monday. yuck.
9/7 2001: i'm looking foreward to a good night's sleep. tomorrow i've got my documentary class, and i'm exited about it. yak and i will ride over together because he has the class too. weapons are fun.
9/5 2001: ok.. mystery solved. i am in the clear. not guilty! classes are tough.. and i am tired and sleepy.
9/3 2001: goddammit! things are going so well, and then something new just hits me in the face. i was all happy about things, and then because i do not know how someone reacts to something, and that person does not know me well enough to trust me, i get blamed for something i didn't do. i saw craig karges tonight, and he read my mind as he usually does. it was a long day.
8/30 2001: moving sucks, and i'm sad that i can't get my ethernet card to work on my new computer, but such will pass. tonight i watched hannibal with gerry and kurt. it is a lovely movie. so is dancer in the dark that i watched a few days ago. that one made me cry lots. the only thing permanent is change.
8/24 2001: *
8/21 2001: i hate working, today was so long and hot, and rainy, and gross. i shall rejoice when school starts.
8/20 2001: weirdness. yes. but i'm having fun, and having some yummy snackies! i opened up my computer last night, i can't wait to hook it up!
8/19 2001: i had people over to my house this weekend for fries and fun. i think it went very well. now i'm having a long sleepover at mr c's because everyone got kicked out of the dorms for cleaning, and that sort of thing. i get to go back on friday though, yay!
8/16 2001: Morpheus is dead.
8/15 2001: sometimes i wonder how people manage to be happy. this was kind of a down day, but it wasn't so bad. it ended with a present, plus i got to watch a silly movie with the boys.
8/14 2001: worked a lot today, had some cheese pazzo bread, played too much starcrack, and watched battlebots. i wish the day had been more productive though.
8/13 2001: i got sandman in the mail, ordered my computer, took care of my mother's birthday, and had some noodles. it was a good day.
8/12 2001: i spent the day at matt l's camp. it was not sunny, but very warm, the water especially. some other kids there were miranda, sandi, chrystal, frostbite, gerry, and mr. c. we had hamburgers and hotdogs, and swam across the lake. it made me very tired, but i had so much fun.
8/11 2001: night swimming is so nice. the water is warm and soft.
9/10 2001: a hot gross day, but i got some money orders sent out, and the specifications for my new computer taken care of. i'm so exited! i also watched 'the ladies' man' it is a strange movie, but funny.
8/9 2001: i went with jill to kerry's house, and had a wonderful time! there were ten day old puppies, ten day old chinchillas, rabbits, cats, a beautiful pool, and just a good time.
8/8 2001: hunger nevermore! oh that gabby's such a nice girl to give poor college students her work's leftover food. new computer, here i come! and advice for the future, go first.
8/7 2001: heat is bad, but i got a free pink lemonaid. i got a free zip disk too. played some starcrack, some worms, and walked downtown with boy and gabby for some pizza. battlebots!
8/6 2001: the day was much too hot. this is maine dammit! i ate supper with mr c, and we got almost the exact same thing to eat. i got mad at him for copying me, but it was really quite comical. then we hung out at his place, and forgot my dish soap. tomorrow we find out if rocky horror is up for a remount.
8/5 2001: i like the mall. i like food. i like dinosaurs. i like hair dye. i like american pie. plainsong is like magic. mr c has been awol all weekend, where could he be? very strange. I hope he's not dead in a gutter!
8/4 2001: i went to the gym, which was a bad idea since i've got mono, so when i got back around 10 am, i went to sleep and didn't wake up till 4 pm, i was so worn out. and now it 's 4:30 am of sunday morning, and it's hard to sleep. gerry made a yummy dinner, i think he's a good cook. i chatted with my brother for a minute, i think things will be ok. i talked to jessker on the phone for a couple minutes today too, she works too much. i'd hate to work on weekends!
8/3 2001: such a hot day! fun too, played starcraft with mr c, then went to his house and had pizza with him and gerry. some kids played poker there later, but i played quake for three hours. yay!
8/2 2001: everything everything everything...burning the razor rug. i'm invisible. today was pretty cool. tomorrow will be even better! finally got all of that orange juice drank.
8/1 2001: i'm feeling a lot better this evening. i drew some pictures, ate a hamburger, and watched a movie. geez. i'm a weird girl.
7/31 2001: gerry made me talk to steve tonight, which was difficult, and just made me see how messed up i am, and see that i've got so many problems. fucking-a. i hate confrontations. it was good though, i am glad he forced us to talk, i guess maybe it'll get me over all these bad feelings? i don't know. i am so angry, i want to cry and scream. I find it hard to agree with myself on anything all the time.
7/30 2001: my first day at work for a couple weeks, and supper with some kids at mr c's. we watched the usual suspects, and i almost started a fire. i feel a little weird tonight, sad?
7/29 2001: jessker's birthday! she liked the new tomato purse i made for her, and we ate at the great lost bear, had not a cake at janelle's, and opened presents at mr c's. i had a sundae at the restaurant, and the waitress was in a class of mine a year ago. i bought some gladware too, because i threw away some that gerry lent me for lasagne because it was moldy. *
7/28 2001: coming back was weird because even though i felt good to be back, i also experienced the odd feeling of a first day of school. i went on a cleaning frenzy and my room looks fabulous, too bad i'm only here for two more weeks. I even cleaned the communal kitchen!
7/27 2001: being tired all the time is poopy! i wish i had some french toast, but i'll find something for breakfast. going home tomorrow! i can't help but be a little exited, though i worry where my bag of peas ended up. no one seems to know, and surely they are rotting somewhere and attracting bugs.
7/26 2001: i'm feeling very much better! this computer at home got hit with a couple of viruses, one of which was a worm, like in the movie hackers. i like corn chips, and seem to only have an appetite for food that is bad for me. on saturday morning i go back to school. I have a doctor appointment soon, and hopefully she'll say i'll be normal soon, and won't be contageous.
7/23 2001: haven't been to a computer in a while. mononucleosis. sickness. lots of symptoms. not happiness, not fun. it's been hard to eat, but now i'm on steroids and i feel a lot better.
7/15 2001: sick, and feverish.
7/14 2001: sick... but holy crap, i went contra dancing!
7/13 2001: sick, always sick.
7/11 2001: an unfulfilling day at work, a lonely evening, and sore muscles. at least i got to finish watching lolita.
7/9 2001: i woke up sick, and called into work! mr coffin and i had so much fun eating lunch that he decided to call in sick too. we went shopping, and had some supper. i've never been grossed out by my food before. then we watched the first half of lolita, the kubrick version.
7/8 2001: sickness, and poop, oh the poop! tank girl!
7/7 2001: i watched the movie me myself and irene, and it was funny and real/serious at the same time, left me feeling weird! i had a great day shopping, and eating lunch with gerry. he is a good friend to me.
7/6 2001: the day before i had a late night conversation with mr c, and i enjoyed it. only got about 4 hours of sleep, cause i had to get up and go to work in the morning. last night we had a party for janelle. it was good, but kind of made me feel young and childish, like i didn't belong. i didn't sleep in my room, so i'm writing this the day after. it's a beautiful day.
7/4 2001: spent the day at a camp, went swimming, canoeing, paddled on a surf board, and went around the lake in a motor boat. we ate hotdogs (red ones!) and hamburgers, chips, cake, and ice cream. i had a lot of fun. i also got to do something i've only heard tell of.
7/3 2001: the wrath of khan! i trained gabby at the computer lab, and ordered pizza. i felt bad that i didn't have much to give the delivery guy for a tip, and gave it all to him in pennies and nickels.
7/2 2001: I am frustrated with my project, it'll be hard to make someone my friend if i don't like him, and if he doesn't like me. i should have a more positive stance though, it would make me more successfull. no movie but lots of sleep. *
7/1 2001: it rained when we wanted to barbecue, so we spent too much time deciding what to do instead, and had smores, did laundry, played starcrack, raced home, and watched a movie. it is comforting to know that i truly love my friends, and the chicken sandwiches were perfect!
6/30 2001: i never knew that a hamburger could be so filling! today was fun and beautiful.
6/29 2001: i think my knee is going to be fine.
6/28 2001: so tired today! i got a lovely three hour nap in though. heartburn all the time. the scanner pc does not recognize an os, so that's a little bad. i read some more akira today!
6/27 2001: sleep-over last night, they just keep getting more and more interesting. i cooked pizza for a ton of boys, but didn't feel well enough to eat any of it. little kids are frightening.
6/26 2001: my project is going to be harder than i thought. mc came over, ordered some two for one pizza with me, and we had a conversation. he and i have some extremely different opinions.
6/25 2001: operation make a friend is about to start up. i like starcrack, but i'm so hungry, cold, and tired.
6/23 2001: a glorious day, i actually went swimming, and was happy with how i looked in a bathing suit. i got some starcrack in too! larpers are cute.
6/22 2001: chinese and tombraider, as well as the hacker's soundtrack. neat!
6/19 2001: i've decided that i'm going to make a red headed boy my friend next semester. it's very comical how he doesn't have a clue who i am, because i only know him through less than five minutes conversation with his mother.
6/18 2001: all day i thought that today was the 19th. my knee is experiencing a dull pain that never goes away. i hate that. the world is a very beautiful place, but i still wish i'd had some pasta tonight!
6/17 2001: i realize that one of my largest problems is that i rely too much upon my friends to amuse me, and when i have to amuse myself, i panic a little. today i watched much too much television. two movies i watched were carrie, and american history x.
6/16 2001: i just want to play, sigh. everyday. this day the sun shone down hot.
6/15 2001: i pulled a ligament in my knee on the 12th... heh. since then i've been to the emergency room, and a knee specialist. what a long strange trip it's been. i f***ing hate crutches. now i am off them! yay!
6/12 2001: tired so tired. must sleep. i hurt my leg dancing outside under the sea...it hurts.
6/11 2001: a fast, lonely day. i miss the boys.. and i hope another one calls. still haven't been able to make bnet work. i'll prolly have to buy a legal copy. oh well! i owe blizzard for all the fun it's given me.
6/10 2001: i have returned, and had a good conversation. makes me see that i can improve myself. i look foreward to a good night's sleep.
6/9 2001: so many little children today! children are both innocent and evil, i like them, and can relate. the food was quite tasty, all sorts of deserts and such. this is a short visit home, and yet i miss school allready. i return tomorrow.
6/8 2001: lots of memories today. wow. i got to hang out with lee, and amber had her 8th grade graduation. there is food here, i like it.
6/7 2001: i haven't been home since christmas. my room is like an eternal shrine. my nephews are adorable, and the youngest has one less finger and toe.
6/6 2001: it's morning now of the next day....but that axe murderer movie i watched last night was good. heh. change is neat, especially when i don't change much through it. i've got a famliy reunion this weekend.
6/3 2001: such a lonely day! it started out so happily, and then nothing seemed to be able to make me happy. i miss the boys, and i hope that not too much will change. i do love them.
6/2 2001: it does not take much at all in order to alter one's view of themselves, which i found out today. my capacity for change is greater than i thought, and i have a lot more bravery than i thought. the red menace. 14 days early. *
6/1 2001: finally, some action.
5/31 2001: uhf is a great tv station. me like. ice cream is wondrous with magic shell. mmm good stuff. starcraft is fun, but 'been there, done that.' i think i'll fall in love with it again, i always do.
5/30 2001: destiny's birthday party, i enjoyed it. good drinks, and she liked the poster i made. the paper lanterns were silly, but entertaining. janelle and i went to burger king. mr c and i had a good conversation.
5/29 2001: oh to be a gypsy, travelling by floating fish.
5/28 2001: thunder and lightening is cool. the naturalization of things weirds me out. goose eggs are so big!
5/27 2001: it's a good thing my head's attached to my body. sleeping in is a wondrous occurence.
5/26 2001: dangerous grounds are crossed, i am not sure if i am repelled or compelled to venture on further. it feels so good.
5/23 2001: hot spit burns my throat! the shirt i changed is nice. i'd kill for some liquids.
5/22 2001: my mind is a lot more active lately, i am not sure why. i think i did some interesting things today, but i can't remember. i feel very tired. my medieval dress is peretty.
5/21 2001: one year. i have accomplished something that i am proud of, and that makes me happy. what is next for me? i'd be lying if i said i'd thought about it much. tonight i had some good conversation with mr. c. big sky cookies are good.
5/20 2001: mr sandman, bring me a dream.
5/19 2001: dude, the blair witch is goddamn scary. shouldn't have watched it so late at night, but at least it made me feel some extreme emotion. i am very lonely. i think i just need to mess around. know what? bread and butter is a much better treat than i'd remembered.
5/18 2001: a four day weekend, and chicken strips. i hate it when i feel sad.
5/17 2001: does anyone know how really unreal the real world really is? technology does not protect us. like stars the yellow lights shone as ghosts wandered, unseen to mine eyes. oh moon grow bright and make endless day endless night..!
5/15 2001: stayed up too late playing starcraft. rain and wind and cold today, but i was inside! i'm learning all kinds of new things. still getting used to being on my own.
5/14 2001: the new room is ok. i miss mine. mr coffin is a good friend for helping me move. i'm not yet sure if i'm going to enjoy this summer or not. i really need sleep. thank goodness for ramen! jessica will be back tomorrow night. it's sad her house burnt down.*
5/12 2001: busy busy busy! some kids graduated today, and for the first time, i am totally on my own. i'll have to get all my own meals now. the dorm is like a ghost town. it's an exiting new world.
5/8 2001: oh the calamity of food, the happiness of being hired, and jealousy.
5/5 2001: the play is over! halleluya! really, i chose the wrong time of the school year to do a play, i've got finals in a couple days. strike went well, i feel like i really helped.
5/4 2001: oh, sleep comes just in time! jessker's house burnt down, it's very sad. At least her family and dogs are safe in their other house.
5/2 2001: i dislike discontent. i let people mean too much to me, and that allows me to get hurt too easily.
5/1 2001: i can hardly believe how everything is ending so fast! it seems so unreal. this was a good night for friends, but i worry about one of them. my laundry is clean and i made a new character.
4/29 2001: i am so happy i took the night off from work. i'll never understand people who have issues, and the pie was wonderful! waiting always waiting, but wouldn't it be nice to go to bed instead?
4/28 2001: everything that could go wrong in the play tonight did, and it was extremely laughable, from my vantage point any way. jessica and i went out to eat for lunch with my parents today. they brought me down a strawberry pie with a lattice top.
4/27 2001: opening night went well. i like the pale cheese a lot, it is very good. fricking name game. oh well. can't let things be bad, stress is bad, and unnecessary. i cannot wait to crawl into my warm, comfortable bed. not to escape the world or anything, but it's been a long day and tomorrow i can sleep in!
4/26 2001: my friends are wonderful, i like them lots. i love them. i thought they'd forgotten about my birthday, but they didn't and we had so much fun. on the bus ride to gorham today i almost started to cry because i realized how fast time goes by, and that in no time i will be older, and soon very old. arrg! getting old is one of my fears, as is dying. i need to look past that though, and be happy for the time i have now to spend with wonderful people.
4/25 2001: tomorrow is my birthday. i don't want to be older, and yet i'll be sad if no one throws me a party. craziness! the caf had some nice bulkie rolls today.
4/24 2001: festivities and work, oh the splendor! i shall get plenty of sleep and all is well. my options for this summer are endless, i never thought!
4/23 2001: must sleep! much to do tomorrow, much much. i'd love some pancakes.
4/22 2001: tech is long and boring, i like friends. a birthday party without a person to celebrate for. skipping class in the morning! skip to the loo my darling!
4/21 2001: i like role playing. i didn't do any today, but i wish i had. must work till late, and wake early to work, an 18 hour work day tomorrow. bleah!
4/19 2001: news and current events seem to be making me laugh a lot lately. wierd. the day is not yet near over, i've many hours to remain awake and write a lengthly paper for the morning.
4/18 2001: gonna pass in my summer housing ap tomorrow.. those kids went to the circus without me! loosers! oh well. in the grand sceme of things, it's not that important. i've a lot of work to do on my manic panic analysis paper due friday, but i can do it!
4/17 2001: oh the red agony. new classes are going to be exiting! i got everything i wanted, and i had some lovely rippled chips today. excalibur is a good movie, i watched it wiih some boys. i like accomplishment lots, and i liked getting out of class today to meet with my advisor.*
4/16 2001: i got much done, and yet i feel that there is still much to do. i wrote a lovely, beautififul poem that i am proud of. if i can keep up my trend of doing homework in a timely manner, i'm going to be a-ok!
4/15 2001: easter. i stuck around school and did some homework, worked, and went out to denny's with a swell bunch. this is a happy place.
4/14 2001: my birthday is closer by the day. this day was a good one for friends. i saw steve, gerry, mr c, lynn, and janelle called me. naps are bad, and banana splits are good. a time of great stress will soon be upon me, because i shall experience mixed elements of work, school, and tech work. as for now, i am relishing the calm.
4/13 2001: friday the thirteenth, as well as good friday. how very very odd.
4/11 2001: it is so lovely to accomplish something, ie homework. there is hope for the summer, and an episode of drew carey made me laugh a lot. i had two cans of iced tea, i drank one while in class in portland, and the other when i got back to my room. a little later, i thought of the one i drank in portland, and forgot drinking the other here, so i went to get it and drink it, only to find that i already had! geez, what a let down. oh well, 'tis but a trifle!
4/9 2001: star craft is evil! evil i say! as for the state of my world, i am unsure how i feel. it's not bad, it's not wonderful...it just kind of..is.
4/8 2001: comic books are pretty. comic books are good. read them read them read them, oh read them you should. such little sleep! a friend called and woke me up today, i got mad, said 'what are you doing? it's 5:30!" she was confused (like me) and then i realized..."oh, this is p.m. isn't it?"
4/6 2001: bleah! arg.. pfft... yuck. everything will prolly be just dandy in the morning. 230 experience points, yay!
4/3 2001: this is the oldest i have ever been. 'you can escape the past but the past can't escape you.' that's a cool quote. i watched totoro. i like it. life is a good thing. friends make me happy. last night i went to denny's with some oldschool kids. memories..why don't they stay with me forever?
4/1 2001: just now i was thinking how odd it is that i never know what i am going to write here until it appears. magnolia is a good movie, and i love late night conversations with my friends. i think it is important to talk.
3/31 2001: oh my head! this is a horrible pain indeed! it hurts, it hurts! i want pills!
3/30 2001: sometimes i am good at amusing myself, and other times i really stink at it. i used some watercolor pencils to add a little color to my wood burnings tonight. working on my webpage... makes me happy.
3/29 2001: not much anything of any significant importance occurred today. hrrrmmm. hey, i made some more wood burnings!
3/27 2001: a very non taxing day... and then whamed with the past! ouch.
3/26 2001: happy day. friends are good. smiling hill farm. burger king service sucks, pizza is good, work is good, quake, fluffy. i am doing well. lots of bad driving out on the road today. at one point i was quite dehydrated and my head hurt, but i'm ok now.
3/25 2001: last night was fun, i went with mr c and creature to jennifer and somebody's house. we ate cheese and crackers. somebody can make perfect smoke circles when smoking a pipe. we made mad libs, told riddles, and it was nice. i like doing things and going places i've never been before, but it does make me nervous to rely totally on my friends when i've no real home for three days.
3/21 2001: it's morning but i've felt bad that i've not been here in so long. perhaps it's that i hate the idea of being chained to something of my own creation, or that i've been keeping late nights due to work and play. i've had miniscule ups and downs, but things are normal. heh. that's what i just keep telling myself. *
3/9 2001: the beginning of the end. today was the play. it was nice. i'm so tired that i can't even comprehend how i am able to keep myself awake.
3/7 2001: i like to make new friends.
3/4 2001: soon the craziness will end!
3/1 2001: finally a time to relax presents itself, and all i want to do is play. i know that sleeping is the right thing to do.
2/28 2001: mmm dill. penne pasta, how i adore it! but alas, the cafeteria ran out before i got there. the days are long, the days are short. times passes much too quickly, but i wish these weeks were over faster. i like to stay busy. i enjoy the rush of short deadlines.
2/27 2001: sadness and happiness. always varied sensations.. almost disturbing, but i like it, i do.
2/25 2001: it is strange when one cannot tell whether things are gettting better or worse, but is assured that things are not the same. how can anything be defined in this system? there is room left for nothing but confusion. i did have a nice conversation today.
2/24 2001: the time passes so quickly, too quickly. procrastination is a deadly thing. now i experience a strange time, i am to be here a bit longer, but and shortly leaving. i don't know how i'm feeling. i'm neither happy or sad. there is so much work to be done, so much weight upon my shoulders upon my return to school, and yet, i welcome it?
2/23 2001: i look foreward to sleep, and maybe, maybe a shower in the morning. everything means nothing, but nothing means everything.
2/21 2001: the kids came over today. i hate board games! we ate fries, and sandi and i played dress up. i love those guys, i just wish they could have stayed longer, and that i wasn't so evil when it comes to monopoly.
2/19 2001: *
2/18 2001: caloo callay. creativity, yay!
2/17 2001: so tired lately, i just go to bed and don't write about my day.
2/7 2001: antici gosh, every day is long, hard, and presents a challenge. it's a swell life though, with plenty of friends, fun, movies, food, and activities. pation.
2/3 2001: there never is enough time or opportunity to get a decent night's sleep. sigh.
1/31 2001: i'll be fine. the pieces are all fitting together, and all it takes is time to see if a complete picture is created, or if some pieces do not fit, or if i'm missing some.
1/30 2001: falling backwards. what have i done?
1/29 2001: whoosh. i'm not really sure how i'm feeling, or what's going on, or what i'm doing with my life... i'm not sure about anything, and why should i be?
1/28 2001: arrghh. stress is indeed a horrible thing, and does not fit well with me. the week has barely begun, and i feel the walls of impunity closing about me mercilessly, waiting for the right time to fall in.
1/27 2001: such a clingy girl i am! i have to wonder if my friends are occasionally annoyed by me, i simply love to see them, and visit, and have them visit. it's lonely living here, even though i love it. time spent with friends is time well spent.
1/26 2001: i have discovered that creating stories as i say them, and recording my voice is kind of fun and interesting. how strange it is to hear myself speak, truly being me, hearing the voice of something that also thinks it is truly being me.
1/25 2001: me duele la cabeza.
1/23 2001: not a bad day.
1/22 2001: growl. discontent discontent! living should not have to be such a large task, you know? i just want my personal space respected, and i want to be listened to. one of my friends is in violation, and a resolution is difficult to attain when certain parties are aware of only the effects, and not the cause.*
1/21 2001: hunger. friendships are a beautiful thing. it is good to have friends. really, i musn't sleep so much of my life away.
1/20 2001: jealosy, hair dye, and chicken strips, oh my!
1/19 2001: lately i've felt discontent and frustration with myself. why can't i be a nicer person? it is so hard. at least, why can't i feel like a nice person?
1/15 2001: here has come another settling down. after living with friends for a week, and spending the weekend in vermont, never knowing what i was going to eat, now i am back in my room at school. it was an exiting, adventurous time. Certainly i was extremely safe, but it is a nice feeling to sever the normal ties of security once in a while.
1/9/ 2001: dressed up for the movie, little nicky. it was swell. i'm back, you know. i'm back.
1/8 2001: sometimes i wish time would go faster, and other times, i wish that it would last forever. sigh. change is happening all around me, it's kind of scary, but i'm so exited.
1/7 2001: crazy days.
1/6 2001: allright, so the target is in sight. the time has come to develop means and motivation. if i'm lazy, the langoliers will get me. AAHHHH SHIT! DON'T LET THEM GET ME! it is a strange comfort that comes with idleness and wasting time. a very strange one indeed. indood. ha ha!
1/1 2001: last night was good for me. i did a lot of thinking and writing, and it really helped me better define what i want to do in my lifetime. it also served to re-awaken my love for writing. the year is new, and i felt nothing. the ball dropped, and i felt nothing. everything is the same, but i am one step closer to knowing who i am. i ushered in the millenium with the g'l doses. thank you moonshadow.
12/31 2000: what a strange practice to celebrate the passing of time, as it only brings one closer to their death.
12/30 2000: sickness of the body has reigned for days and days. pain and suffering is so futile, it is useless and horrid. health is envied, and i wish the people that appear when i close my eyes would all just go away. or at least be able to help me.
12/26 2000: there's nothing like a creative lapse, but seeing all the little kids is good. one must plant the seeds of ideas, if thoughts are to grow in others. such practices are becoming common, as i progress into a creature that wants things other than what is expected of her.
12/25 2000: *
12/21 2000: dude, we kicked the avengers' asses, and i got to meet thor! christmas is a happy time. today i made a bag for one of my neices for christmas. she'd better love it! why does going home also feel like leaving home?
12/20 2000: phew! yikes, pow. wow. ok, things are just dandy now, for a while though, i wasn't sure. people are wonderful singularly, but in large groups, just frightening. it's like i am a different person with each of them, and when they all converge, i panic because i do not know who i am.
12/19 2000: and end to all burdens.. for a short time anyway. it's going to suck to really grow up.
12/18 2000: the stress is only half over. the holidays are up, and i love to squish brown clay doh. oh how i wish that starcraft were readily accessable! mr c took it away so i'd study.
12/17 2000: sometimes i forget how wonderful it is to feel really clean.
12/16 2000: rude behavior, but one should not punish oneself.
12/14 2000: it is so interesting how something as simple as sleep is completely necessary for my existence. it has the capability of making me feel crazy, tired, and numerous things, as well as having control. the entity or non entity is perhaps one of the most powerful things in existance.
12/13 2000: shebang! sinsister six, good bye!
12/12 2000: i saw the sun come out from behind a cloud, and it was very amazing. cake is good. i think perhaps that i should be a little more accepting of myself, and more outgoing. i don't know. i guess it's good to have yourself tested every once in a while, just to know where you stand.
12/11 2000: this morning i wondered about snow, saw a squirrel, and a plane flew over my head when my eyes opened for the second time. the world is kind of creepy, if you begin to look past the mundane. dude, chicken strips are a metaphor for happiness.
12/10 2000: star crack is really bad for my studies and my eyes. must do things in small moderations. pfft. listening to myself is no fun.
12/9 2000: last night was spent at the girls' apartment, and we role played till 5 am, and currently my body is craving sleep.
12/7 2000: it was a good day.
12/5 2000: life would be just so much more grand, if people could truly enjoy themselves, and not feel guilty about it.
12/4 2000: some of my large task is abated. sometimes i surprise myself at how impatient i can be. odious tasks gallore!
12/3 2000: dude, the mere immensity of the quantity of things that i must accomplish in the next few days is dizzying! it makes me curious about human capacity and ability, and especially my own levels. i wonder if i can ever be truly dedicated to something.
12/2 2000: time is fleeting. if only i were not a procrastinator! my room is so remarkably and unbearably cold. one can feel the wind just blowing in, especially next to the closed window. i have it sealed around the edges best i can with duck tape, but it just doesn't seem to keep the cold out.
12/1 2000: only about 5 months until i'm 20. this is horrible! my life is going by so fast, and not at all accomplishing the things i had hoped for by now.
11/30 2000: aarrggg. perhaps i am too persuasive sometimes for my own good. hmm. there is a quarter on my alarm clock. i didn't put it there. three guests staying over tonight, i'm not lonely. hazelnuts are dandy. class 3000 leaping. hot damn.
11/29 2000: fortify!
11/28 2000: i think i'm getting out of my boring and uncreative rut. happiness! *
11/27 2000: it's good to have friends. if only there was no such thing as responsibility, i could give them my life.
11/26 2000: sometimes i think the world has gotten so modern that most of the annoyances and problems of everyday living have or can be abolished. today the roads were so icy, that it took forever to get me back to school. i saw at least five accidents. it is amazing how something so natural can have profound effects on so many.
11/25 2000: my present discomfort in my situation will be over shortly.. you know, i'm really beginning to wonder if i always spend my time thinking that i'd be happier somewhere else, no matter where i am.
11/24 2000: day of the bad tummy. each day that passes, i find my love for photographs growing. i hope my cousin was able to find our grandfather's grave today.
11/23 2000: fucking bush. it is so lovely to see people that one has not seen for a long time...and one of my friends practically blew me off today. i'd like to know what's up with that. jolly ranchers are excellent, especially the watermelon variety.
11/22 2000: going home.. such strangness. everything changes while you're gone, to be so different, and yet strongly from the past, as though, you missed something.
11/21 2000: starcraft and a sleepover. kitties are nice!
11/20 2000: wow.. if i hold my head back for a few minutes and lift it up quickly, i'm a little dizzy! for shame! i'm so many books to read, comics, novels, things i've borrowed, library books... just too much for one person to possibly complete in any appropriate amount of time. sigh.
11/19 2000: being helpful is a good thing, idle hands get bored quickly. i love being productive. i only wish someone else wanted breadsticks, the minimum order for delivery is $5.25. such an atrocity, indood.
11/18 2000: geez. strange how it can seem as though everyone but me is coupling.
11/17 2000: sleep deprivation is never a happy thing, until it becomes delirious, but alas, such a state is not to occur this evening. lots of weird thoughts in my head, and i hope people trust me.
11/16 2000: i like the sound of momentary haziness. i had bizarre premenition today, eating a
t silly's with jessker, destiny, and jefferey b. i looked at my bottle of sparking water, lemon flavor and the kind that makes you burp, and could just see the water spilling, even though it wasn't. someone called to my attention, as i looked up, i knocked the bottle with my hand, as if by no force of my own, and it spilled out. this was meant to happen, but why?
11/15 2000: the mad rush of the week is over, welcome slackerdom! tonight we played starcraft in bailey till 11. i am happy to be able to share such an experience with my friends, as i enjoy their company profusely, as do i enjoy ending their existance with my battle cruisers and siege tanks.
11/14 2000: i was only away for two minutes! how can i miss so goddammed much in two minutes! the world is a very strange place, full of what ifs, and such. sometimes i wonder if i'm not trapped on a spiral or cirlcle of some sort, and perhaps i am fooled into thinking that i'm making progress, when I am actually getting no where at all.
11/12 2000: kurt's going away 'party' was tonight. we gave him cards, and the girls made him a cake. it is sad that he must depart, but is for the best. people have to get on with their lives. sad but true, sad but true.
11/11 2000: staring at screens is bad. my eyes, my eyes!
11/9 2000: Severance drove by my window today. twice. and as i was on the bus, and it was stopped at a red light, a car pulled up directly outside my window, and the man driving had his hands on the wheel. he was wearing a watch, and had it set 15 minutes ahead.
11/8 2000: one should not procrastinate with large projects. consider that a note to self in the future.
11/7 2000: i miss my houseguests. the thought of sleeping in the room all by myself is saddening and strange, something i've not had the pleasure of doing for a while.
11/6 2000: stress is such an atrocious matter, that even when it can be sucessfully dismissed, it always thrives in the back of minds, not lettting anything be enjoyed.
11/5 2000: arg. is it not sad to realize that i can't remember the last time i was truly happy?
11/4 2000: oh my. what a horrid night. the starcraft game was fun, but some people are sad, and some people are stupid. sigh.
11/3 2000: me oh my. gaming was negative tonight. staying up late does funny things to a person. soon mine eyes will be clos'd upon mine pillow, and my head shall be fill'd with calm and restful thoughts.
11/2 2000: uuhhh. never indulge yourself in too much chocolate at one time. starcraft is a fun little game. i saw richard dreyfus today, he spoke in portland.
11/1 2000: gosh, my voice. hmm. bad day, bad day. thanks due to mr coffin for rescuing me with chocolate and a ride home from scaryland. new jobs are frightening, but it went allright. i wish i knew if the english that i know and love, is something i can be really good at. it depresses me to think that i suck at something that matters to me.
10/31 2000: selling candy bars is fun but hard. i don't like approaching people. people are scary! tomorrow is full of hunger and strange new things. *
10/29 2000: such a fuss for bagels that were not enjoyed, and a horrid supper of badly cooked things. well at least destiny got all moved out of the inn.
10/28 2000: tonight i'm being bad, and hope no one notices, because that could really screw me over. sigh. the wind blew hard and cold, but the adventure was worth the effort.
10/27 2000: let down and anticipation. being left out, sleepy. i need more stability, truly!
10/26 2000: betterness. sneezing runny nose yuck i have no tissues but i stole napkins from the cafeteria. the comedians tonight were delicious. tomorrow is pay day. um. my stomache hurts. maybe i'm dying. i always wanted to die young. not too young.
10/25 2000: explosion, badness. madness and sadness. pizze is cold, my feet were cold and wet. ungrateful baggage.
10/23 2000: beethoven's 5th brings out so much emotion. in music class tonight all of the movements blared from the large speakers. it was a miraculous experience. packages packages yum yum yum!
10/22 2000: the girls behind me are talking nasty things. i like dinosaurs.
10/21 2000: oh gosh. i've never looked foreward to sleep as much as i do right now. frankenstein is a much better book than i remember it to be. people are not living up to my expectations. i'm glad that not everyone sucks.
10/20 2000: being let down is like a big bucket of poop. people are counted on.. and then only to fail. it kind of sucks. i am the only person i think that i shall ever be able to truly understand and respect in the highest sense. i guess this makes me dumb and egotistical, but i wish the people around me had my morals, standards, and stability. pfft.
10/19 2000: are traditions no longer sacred? fool world, fool world! i am fortunate to know people that cheer me up, and people that need me to cheer them up. i love all the people around me, and i hate to know what is coming.
10/18 2000: i hurt mr coffin's head! jessica's pants are really nice. i did a big paper.. and now my mind is fuzzy.. and dizzy. sleep? yes please!
10/17 2000: tonight julie said "i like pickup trucks." in portland there was a stray kitty that looked like it was well fed and friendly, running around lost in a parking lot. as a woman turned around and faced my direction for a moment before passing me by, her eyes popped way out and had a look of pure comical terror. quite strange and surreal. kurt and gerry made me happy.
10/16 2000: sleep, especially lack thereof.
10/15 2000: must get organized.. i must. blue streaks in my hair, cute. must sleep.. must work. must... am i ever truly satisfied with myself? it is so hard. why is it so hard?
10/14 2000: unstable mess. unhappiness, discontent. i don't know. are all these things in my head real?
10/13 2000: friday the 13th and a full moon. pretty, but nothing of great interest happened today. someone can see me when i'm invisible.
10/12 2000: such a homebody. what causes me to wish to stay in my little room, and experience sleepiness, yet not sleep? if i don't do my laundry, i'll have no clean undies for tomorrow.
10/11 2000: everything will be just dandiful. normality is swell. i did some soul searching today inside myself, to make some important decisions. i find that i truly have no clue what to do with my life, and that i am slightly unhappy with my major.
10/10 2000: fight! fight! fight! things are being happier.
10/9 2000: weirdness weirdness scary scary bad. mmmm. rug burn.
10/8 2000: such a low and such a high... and a scare. yes, a scare... scared me into believing i care.
10/7 2000: i think that i .....no no i don't! yes yes i do! oh. why must i be such a confused girl? sigh. people who can understand what they feel and sort it out accordingly are vastly lucky, though i assume rare, as well.
10/6 2000: the hudsucker proxy....... kind of.
10/5 2000: ay de los mios. just when you think nothing is ever going to happen.. it comes all at once instead of at convenient intervals!
10/4 2000: relaxation is good. me like movies. isn't funny how the only cakes i bake now have two layers? *
10/3 2000: my roomate packed up and left tonight. what's next? bunk beds! ahh the forbidden wonders of furniture moving are now at my fingertips!
10/2 2000: the test sucked, i almost missed the bus this morning, i didn't get work study funds, and a scary bug was hanging above my desk till i hit it with a belt and it went under my bed. at least the food at dinner was good, mr c was nice enough to help me study, and i've got a some department funds for the theatre.
10/1 2000: about fricking time that i can work on this. i've had to resort to... *gasp!* pen and paper for the last few days. i am particularly tired tonight, and it is early! tomorrow's a music test, and i'm scared.
9/30 2000: damn page editor.
9/27 2000: being john malkovich is such a weird movie.. i likes it lots.
9/26 2000: playground
9/25 2000: damn risk
9/24 2000: severe and unexcapable discontent. today really sucked, but i
am happy to be able to laugh at it, now that is is mostly over.
9/23 2000: they all go away, in the end.
9/21 2000: an evening of trent and physical violence into the early hours. delicious.
9/20 2000: friends are beautiful.
9/19 2000: anime porn is bad, don't do it! my stomach is knotted with both disgust and intrigue, and i'm not sure if it's a good feeling.
9/18 2000: why don't i have 'it'?
9/17 2000: reading reading reading read it read it more does it ever end! good god, i love mozzarrella sticks.l
9/16 2000: it's funny that so much sucked today. it was almost comical.
9/15 2000: movies movies, forever movies. one has little choice but to love the darling creatures. the company aint bad neither.
9/14 2000: 5:23 am, of the 15th, me and mr coffin and yak and adam just piled up all the couches in the lounge to make a fort. wow a moth just flew in front of me.
9/12 2000: (written the 13th) i was out last night watching some movies with friends at mr c and don o van's abode. i slept on the couch and got back to my room before 8 am.. to find.. something very interesting.
9/11 2000: peanutbutter is good. chocolate too.
9/10 2000: the weekend at jessiker's house was enjoyable. the excorcist scared the living fucking shit out of me. i 'heard' the movie more than i 'saw' it as i covered my eyes LOTS. i made those two people sleep with me. too scary of an old house to be by myself.
9/8 2000: eggs are soft, unsleepiness, prelude to adventure. the weather is not knowing itself very well. it seems as though most people are as human as i, they do not understand things in the same way i do not, but everyone hides it. the emmaculate deception.
9/7 2000: happiness and blood.
9/6 2000: sometimes everything around me just amazes me, the world is so interesting, intriuging. i just want to drink in everything, everyone.
9/5 2000: nothing is as beautiful as a new beginning. *
9/4 2000: settling into change.. it is strange and yet, reassuring.
9/3 2000: last night was spent at jessker's house. it is a lovely place, and a most enjoyable experience, even those hideous beets that were in every single food product. oh the way home i had a vanilla frozen custard dipped in chocolate. i ate it while goats were talking in the background.
9/1 2000: today i melted this big piece of ice in the sink. i poured some salt on it. it was neet. i put the hot water on, and held the big ice chunk in both hands, and watched it die. very beautiful.
8/31 2000: the people at work signed a card for me, because it was my last day there. i am both so happy, and so afraid.
8/30 2000: the floor is falling out from underneath my feet.
8/29 2000: it is an absolute oddity how humans become attached to things, people, and places.
8/28 2000: on my way home from work tonight i killed a living thing; i ran over a skunk. there was no way to miss it... the first thing i thought of was how bad my truck was going to smell. i swore till the windsheild fogged up. how can i be so heartless? not at all am i bothered that i've taken a life.
8/27 2000: the heat is a trifle thing, a horrid thing, a yucky thing. with it comes discomfort, stickyness, and simply an overall feeling of disgust.
8/26 2000: i am exuberantly happy that thursday is my last day at work. it has ceased being a happy place for me. sure i enjoy seeing people and such, but i have grown bitter, and dislike humanity as a whole.
8/25 2000: i had a lovely time at janelle and mowgli's apartment. i love cleaning and doing dishes, as long as it's not my own home. strange? i even cooked dinner both nights. today at work a kid said "mommy can we buy some grass?" and she said "no honey, we've got some pesto at home."
8/23 2000: a bowl of cereal is so gratifying.
8/22 2000: ah wilderness!
8/21 2000: two weeks seems both so long and so short.
8/20 2000: boys are merrily suckiful. oh oh i got this bee-oo-tiful neclace yesterday. what power it has granted me! almost as though some magical force were prevailing about me.
8/17 2000: last night in gorham entailed a 2 minute pirate movie, darkness, a love story, south park, mold, the top bunk, ramen, no internet connection, slow moving time, shotgun, invisibility, granola bars, and singing, not necessarily all in that order.
8/15 2000: tomorrow i may be kidnapped! yay! how can one wait patiently for something so monumental?
8/14 2000: ahhh power. and the sweet taste of sugar lingering upon mine tongue.
8/13 2000: oh sweet brambles do wrap thinself about me and rock me to sleep.
8/12 2000: every vehicle needs a lizard.
8/11 2000: i hate bugs. they bite me, and i scratch, and i get pissed at myself for scratching. if all the flies and mosquitos were gone, spiders would die out! of course birds would go hungry, but we could feed them bread crumbs.
8/10 2000: tonight i see a performance of macbeth. in a play i saw earlier, the word eunic was used, and i don't know the meaning. currently i'm reading i robot by asimov. it is my first book by him, and i am unduly impressed.
8/7 2000: i slept many hours last night, but felt sleepy all day. why does the rain have this effect? *
8/6 2000: my neice and i discussed while on our way to get ice cream cones, what would be the smartest way to dispose of a dead body. i decided on a peanutbutter milkshake.
8/5 2000: what's going on head.. what's this thought that everything could be totally different, that there are completely opposite ways of existing in the world? but.. how to attain?
8/4 2000: why why why did i get the suddent urge this evening to lock all the doors and windows, and hang mirrors outside in case the zombies come?
8/3 2000: enslavement is wrong. tell it to the tv.
8/2 2000: my bones are dusty hot, and i read a novel in one sitting.
8/1 2000: too much food. eating too many cucumbers will make you burp, eating too many peas will make something bad happen. sing!
7/31 2000: people as a whole are dumb, lazy, and rude, but at least that makes me look good!
7/30 2000: last night a bunch of us had a surprise party for jessica. it was quite enjoyable. i've been gorging myself because i always feel as though i am starving lately.
7/29 2000: insatiable hunger all day
7/28 2000: how can anyone be happy confined in these bodies? i'm an earthbound mass, i can't fly, and i get hot, cold, dizzy, sweat, experience discomfort, and pain. i hate it.
7/27 2000: if i knew you were coming i'd have baked a cake.. baked a cake.. baked a cake.. if i knew you were coming i'd have hired a band!
7/26 2000: i went shopping and bought a delicious shirt. an average girl, i'm not fat or skinny, but so much beautiful clothing is aimed for a smaller body than mine. the larger the size, the more disgusting the fashion.
7/25 2000: an enigma.. i met a couple from kansas today, and they asked me if i'd ever heard of the place. i answered 'mmm...yes' and at the moment i became aware that all i know of kansas roots from the wizard of oz. i couldn't name a single real thing in the place.
7/24 2000: a man berated me for having no sense of humor today. asshole, what does he know. selling him his food gives him no right to lecture me on the state of my mood.
7/23 2000: far be it from me to become one of those people who sponge off of other people's quotes to make myself look good, but i read a good camus one today and thought i'd share it. "nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."
7/22 2000: work 7 - 7 today. crazy huh? endless numbers fill my mind, endless numbers, endless through my brain.. driving me mad.
7/21 2000: i awoke with the sound of glitter in my ears, or at least the sound glitter would make if glitter made a sound.
7/20 2000: i read something tonight in a comic book, moonshadow, that made me laugh. 'carnal carnival.' isn't that funny? laugh goddamit, it is.
7/19 2000: i'm lonely.
7/18 2000: um. i hope the weekend did me no lasting damage. my brain has been sleepy. did i forget my sneakers in jefferey's bathroom? shite.
7/17 2000: at the weekend's sca event, i managed to get a sunburn on saturday and hypothermia on sunday. i feel weak and shaky, but seeing the x-men movie, and experiencing the hallucogenic state of hypothermia where everything felt warm, the weekend was truly marvelous. i've never had so much fun in my life.
7/13 2000: being unambitious and semi uncaring, would i make a difference if i had the chance? how can anyone even be sure that they matter?
7/12 2000: i read something interesting in 'the plague' by camus, in the early time of the plague, when an ambulance would come to take someone away, all the neighbors would watch out of their windows, but later on in the plague, when an ambulance could be heard, the neighbors would all rush to close their shutters.
7/11 2000: i like talking about books i've read, and telling stories. i wish there were more people around here to do that with. there's never anyone for anything i want anymore, it's just like i'm 3 again and helpless to choose who i play with.
7/9 2000: cripes, 7 - 6 is too long to work in one day. my body is about the consistency of stewed tomatoes. back to the grind in the morn. why is it that work has classically been hated? i know it's awful.. but what makes it so?
7/7 2000: people are gross.
7/6 2000: everything in life is too complicated. i need to be an adult, in a house of my own, relaxing in a hammock and eating buttery popcorn. fricking carrot muffins, forever to taunt my existance.
7/5 2000: it's pretty cool when you can objectively see your own bad mood.
7/4 2000: people just need a reason to celebrate, no one cares about the reason behind the holiday.. just display some flags, eat hotdogs and watermelon, and you are the perfect american. how dumb. of course, i can't claim to care too much either. hope that doesn't make me bad.
7/2 2000: allmost headaches and too much heat doth ruin a lot.
7/1 2000: am i a vegetarian,? someone asked me today.. "well, yes," i replied, "except that i love pepperoni." not to mention rare delicacies such as three-meat pizza, but as long as it's on a pizza, really, it's not meat, it's a topping!
6/30 2000: salute to scissors
6/29 2000: today i'm sewing garb for a medieval re-enactment thing next month, and the sewing machine eats my finger! i've got a hole in my finger now, it's pretty cool. it didn't even hurt, but only surprised me.
6/27 2000: i'm glad for water. the proffessor, his nephew, and hans could have died, in 'journey to the center of the earth' if they didn't find an underground river.
6/26 2000: ramen noodles are delicious when not cooked. so many things are perfect being imperfect, that it's a shame to perfect them.
6/25 2000: the sky glowed yellow after eight.. and finally bright fire red, until eight forty five. it then darkened, after hours of thunder, and strobe like lightening. if only the sky could have been darker, it could have lit up more, and been quite a show, but nonetheless, it was lovely.
6/23 2000: wish i knew what i want.
6/22 2000: mowing the lawn in the dark is amazing, everyone should try it at least once. i was thinking today, that i have some pretty interesting thoughts, and that i should write them down, but by the time i get something to write on.. i can't think of them again, or anything!
6/21 2000: wow, last night destiny, janelle, lynn, and mr. coffin came to my house to play! we had snacks, played frisbee, and rode around on fast moving stuff. it was neeet! the evening made me happy, as i missed human contact greatly.
6/19 2000: i've given up television, in hopes to reclaim my creativity and personality.
6/18 2000: monumentous nothing
6/17 2000: saw a wedding today. love is WONDROUS... but i'm sure to end up old and alone in a house full of cats. sob! i sure hope not. it is good to be happy.
6/16 2000: reckoning. what will happen.
6/15 2000: if you wait too long and watch what is next to be done, eventually you'll become afraid of it.
6/14 2000: thread is neeeet. without it, everyone's clothes, pillows, blankets, bags, shoes, carpets, and other things, would all fall apart! what would the world come to, with all this destruction? all i can say, is thank goodness for thread.
6/13 2000: false rumor! gads, only to get my hopes up that muffins are half price for employees, only to be an untruth! what a horrid atrocity! A ludicrous let down!
6/12 2000: blank
6/11 2000: under every tree is a shadow. i think it would be an amazing experience to be able to walk outside at night in the dark, barefooted, for a long time, and never feeling goosebumps rise on your flesh, or glancing back to make sure nothing follows. To explore the dark terrain without fear sounds wonderful.
6/10 2000: even a damn carrot muffin is complicated.
6/9 2000: when you think, yeah, the world isn't perfect, but it's basically good, a large dose of foul reality hits you square between the eyes, and you didn't even see it coming.
6/8 2000: i heard loads of little birdies this morning. i wish i had magic wings, not like bird wings, but more like butterfly ones, that could dissappear when i was on ground and needed to blend in with the human population.
6/7 2000: argg
6/6 2000: i need to go to the library. my brain is rotting.
6/5 2000: lemon poppy muffins are great, but just don't have the texture of corn, banana nut, cranbery nut, or maple nut..whatever. i get weirded out when they are blue or green or something. it's just not their natural state.
6/2 2000: a sad day, and i've got the upcoming weekend off, with no where to go. tomorrow's a new day, then again, every tomorrow is a new day, so what's the big goddam deal?
6/1 2000: i feel boring.
5/30 2000: me and jessker had a little birthday party for destiny last night. she is old now. we unfolded the couch bed for jessica to sleep on. i didn't even know it was a couch bed, because it has never been opened as long as i've been alive. apparently, not cleaned for longer. needless to say, she slept on the floor.
5/29 2000: twins' birthday party today. tonight i will attempt to draw some pictures in my book, and not allow my mind to be in a total creative relapse.
5/28 2000: what's that you say? no 27th? well there was almost no 28th. everything has been going fine, i thought i could take it! i thought i was stronger.
5/26 2000: lovely weather today. too much to do, such little time. at work i was looking for the corn muffins, they were GONE! then this woman came with a whole tray of them, and i got one, warm from the mass producing oven.
5/25 2000: today i took some pictures outside. it was getting near 8, when the sun sets.
5/24 2000: this morning all i wanted and craved was french toast. sadly, we have no eggs.
5/23 2000: lovely dreams last night,and woke naturally after only six hours of sleep. quite odd. It's my day off, so i'm going to... do nothing.
5/22 2000: i woke up at nine, on the dot. pretty impressive. i stared in disbelief at the disorder of my room. comics are separated into about 26 piles all over the room. it's a good feeling, that i might actually accomplish something i set out to do.
5\21 2000: today i decided i should start an inventory of my comic books. laziness reigns supreme, and it's noon and i want breakfast.
