“So honey, now that we have been to the car shop, where do you want to go?” said J as he opened the car door.
“I know… let’s go to the mall!” stated S as she hopped in the car.
“But honey, it is only 9am. The malls don’t open until 10am. What are we going to do for an hour?” stated J.
“We can just walk around and window shop!” exclaimed S.
Little did I know that we were about to enter… the twilight zone. Never before had I been so intrigued to go to the mall and go window-shopping. Not only could I shop for my next large purchase of Structure workwear, but also I would get to meet extremely interesting and insightful people. Ah yes… the MALLWALKER.
Don’t take this the wrong way. These individuals are probably some of the nicest, smartest, and most fun to be around individuals that you would ever meet, but I can guarantee you that this likelihood is rather low. In other words, I am making a vast generalization in this opinion, however, my generalization can be rationalized when taking into context the actual empirical data of the sample. These people scare me.
That particular day (a gorgeous spring, Virginian Saturday, with the morning temperature of around 68 degrees and not a cloud in the sky), was just like any other day. The mall opens at a different time than the rest of the world, so eager fitness beavers (and evidently jobless or retired) flock to the inner sanctums of the holy grounds to march in unison to Muzak. My curiosity struck a chord, and all of a sudden, we were among the mallwalker.
Mallwalkers possess some type of uncanny ability to prey upon your curiosity, whereas, at the same time, remain inconspicuous to the rest of the world. These people evidently do not realize that when they walk at 3 times the speed of the rest of the population, women and children get hurt, and the men get pissed. Please tell me Mr. 80something: Is there really a reason to walk with your head down, arms flailing, with a green visor and navy socks to match your overly white bird legs? My God! You have just run over that band of schoolchildren! Watch out Kay-Bee shoppers!
I divide the section of humanity into its own species: Homo-mallpedis. In this species, there are three main types of mallwalkers. Yes yes, of course, the first type is the stereotypical persona: Elderly, dislikes the sun (vampiric?), hates to sweat, loves to look at people, hates to talk to people; and generally harmless. I call this type the Professional. This is what they do to stay in shape. This activity is their main lifeline with the rest of humanity, while still enjoying the healthful benefits of a brisk walk. The Elderly have their moments of disdain, but overall, this subgroup is a generally non-violent, gregarious, and wealthy subsection of society.
The second type of mallwalker is the Ignorant. The Ignorant is the type of mallwalker that really doesn’t know any better. They walk the mall because they think it is: 1. Cool; 2. The place to hang out; 3. In search of bargains/sales. These types are usually the rural folk, born with a piece of straw in their mouth and relegated to the pickup on blocks. They tend to flock to the malls in small groups, due to the fact that they can only fit so many in the back of a 1976 Ford Truck. The Ignorants tend to own a lingering odor of sweat mixed with cheap perfume and soil. As a person who frequents the mall in search of necessities and gifts, I have caught a glimpse of these nefarious creatures, and will quickly advise to stay away from them. They do travel in groups, walk very slowly, are usually dressed in the best garb of the prior decade, and host a fairly pungent odor.
The last type of mallwalker is that of the Misinformed Suburbanite. These mallwalkers are the most helpless, most easily manipulated, and most ridiculous looking creatures of all. The Misinformed Suburbanite is usually in between the ages of 30 to 50, are in the upper middle class of the social strata, spend frivolously on items such as decorative ceramic earwax tong holders, and enjoy dressing with shorts approximately 2 inches above their navel. If you happenchance run into one of the pitiful creatures, do everything you can to make their day better. These are usually the people who will vote you into office, give to your charity, and pick up that 5 dollar bill you dropped and return it to you. These are very gentle individuals, but are extremely gullible. The stereotypical economic standard for nationwide marketing efforts are targeted upon this group. However, be aware that they lack any semblance of common sense. This is evident through their garb and their spending habits (hence Misinformed Suburbanite).
“Hey S… Did you see that guy? He must be an Elderly!” proclaimed J.
“Yeah J… But did you see the flock of Ignorants. They just knocked out a group of Misinformed Suburbanites with their odor!” stated S.
“But S… I think that those Misinformed Suburbanites will get the last laugh in their feeble attempt at attaining fitness through enclosed buildings.” Said Jeff.
The Mallwalker is an extremely interesting, yet frightening species of mammal. Through my detailed analysis and research, I have come to the conclusion that one should avoid the mall at all costs before the opening hours of the enclosed stores. The Elderly are the early risers, taking full advantage of their locomotive type of bi-pedal motion. Usually, the Misinformed Suburbanite shows up next, in an eager desire to get in a quick (but useless) workout before the bargain shopping begins and the Cinnabons disappear. Lastly, the Ignorants swanker in, causing mischief and mayhem everywhere they tread.
If you must go to the mall, please take along the following mallwalker repellents: 1. A Green Translucent Visor (they will think you are one of them); 2. A bag from Abercrombie and Fitch or Structure (mallwalkers do not frequent these establishments and will avoid you at all costs); 3. A book to read while sitting on the bench (books = intelligence = counteraction of mallwalker actions = anger = hatred=The Dark Side).
The next time you go to the mall, please take into considering the previous opinion. The Mallwalker is not a creature to be messed with. Nor is it a creature to be questioned. They are set in their ways, and will continue to do their routine until the end of time. My advice to you is this: If you go to the mall, sit down with one; try to talk to one; understand one; feed one; stroke its’ hair; give it some water; maybe throw a nice spatula from the dollar store so they can fetch it. If you do this, you will never look at the Mallwalker the same again.