"All the news that's fit to fit!"

November 18, 2003 BC

Vol. XVIIICCMYIRA

BRIAN THE TALL MEMBER OF THE MONTH

ANTARCTICA- In a surprising and shocking twist of fate, Brian the Tall was named Member of the Month for October today by a panel of judges.  Brian won the close contest by a mere 1 vote, inching out his next closest opponent, Rasta Rude Boy Sticko (aka Quimby).  There was much debate as to how deserving Brian was of this honor, but the judges respond that Brian was chosen for "Service above and beyond the call of caffeine, recruiting more members than any single person."  Brian was able to recruit many members because Brian has no life, and was thus able to devote all his time to the UCCS.  Brian also helped with managing the e-mail and polls and he also appeared in The Greatest UN Day Ever, one of the most successful movies released by the UCCS.  Brian is also in the process of helping to create a new movie, but we suspect he's been slacking off.  But why wasn't Michael the Golfer or Quimby or James chosen for this award?  "Brian is about the only one who still pays attention to the UCCS, and as such he is probably going to be the only one to ever read this." Colin the Great stated after the award was given.  The award has been added to Brian's profile, where it will remian in glory for all time, inspiring future generations.  Emperor Colin the Great has also hinted that Brian may be due a promotion in the UCCS soon, possibly making Brian in charge of the membership department, or maybe even Vice President.  Brian was not available for comment, but we are expecting a statement shortly.  If Brian does not issue a statement in 1 week he will forfeit his award and the voting process will begin again.  The race for Member of the Month for November has already begun, and it is still anybody's race (Although Quimby is currently winning).  Until then, keep up the good work Brian, and to all those who didn't win, drink coke and slack off, and maybe one day you too will be Member of the Month.

Brian the tall was ecstatic about winning this prestigious award, until the weight of the trophy broke his arm.

UCCS Movies Slated to be Shown at Lunch

Wake Island- Emperor Colin the Great issued a statement today saying that several UCCS video productions are scheduled to be shown at 5th period lunch at a later date.  The Greatest UN Day Ever, Stickfigure Chainsaw Massacre, Furious George, and possibly A Chicken Named Lenin will be shown in Kirk's room if the UCCS can obtain a blank DVD.  Other titles that are still in production may also be included in the showing, namely Palmer, the story of the city where weird things happen.  As of yet the UCCS plans to use Kirk's laptop, which is usually in the room at lunch.  "We want people who haven't been able to view our oscar winning films the chance to see them, and probably ignore them." the Emperor said.

The Elevator: Objective #1

ALBERTA, CANADA- The elevator by the Gym has always been something that intrigues us.  It stands in the hall, apparently unused for centuries, and yet we are not allowed to use it.  Why?  The answer is obvious: Pepsi.  The elevator was Coke's idea, but the school district changed to Pepsi at the beginning of this year and the Pepsi Gestapo forbid anyone from using the elevator.  Ever wonder why the school cannot afford kleenex?  Pepsi drains the money from the school and uses it to fund their robot army and put more rat poison in their products.  The same idea prohibits us from using the elevator.  The truth is, Pepsi is using the elevators to breed an army of aliens, and they don't want anyone to discover their secret weapons.  This is why we must, as good Americans, sneak into the elevators and take them to the next floor.  Not only will we get to ride the elevator, but we will have struck a decisive blow against Pepsi in the war on terror.

Evil Face Pictures, the company which has produced all fims that the UCCS has made so far.

GREAT NEWS!!

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.