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We interview one of the most famous men in Hollywell woods, Mr Jack Palance, star of such movies as 'One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest' and TV series such as the 70's cop show 'Hawaii Five-0'. MTGS: Hello Mr Palance and welcome to West Yorkshire. JP: Hi there Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. MTGS: It must be really weird to have a poem made up after you. How does it feel? JP: What poem may that be?.................Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! MTGS: That one with you jumping and candle sticks, being nimble and quick and things. JP: Thats not about me! That was made up about 300 years ago, 5 years before I was born...........Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. MTGS: How did you get to have such a sexy screen voice that has made so many old ladies moist? JP: Hahahahahahha hmmmmmmmmmmm! I used to watch a TV series. It was Australian I think, called 'Heidi' or summat! And "Tin-Tin". Also Dutch porn films. I thought that was the way you acted! How the fuck did I know they were Dubbed? .. .......Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhh! MTGS: We just hired a film out with you as the star. It was a Hammer film from the early 70's. We didnt think you played the mummy very well. Did you like making it? JP: Mummy? I didnt play the fuckin' mummy!! Daft cunt! I had big fuck off fangs and a cloak and I drank blood from virgins throits! Anyone with half a brain knows Frankenstien's monster .........................AH! MTGS: You also hosted the Yank version of Ripley's believe it or not didnt you? I thought that was great! I almost shat my pants when the alien jumped onto John Hurts face! JP: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.That's Ripley played by sigourney Weaver!.....Aye cock! MTGS: Did you hurt your face when you poked it through the smashed and splintered door off of "The Shining" starring with that bird who played "Olive oil"? JP: Aaahhhhhhhhh.....You're thinking of Jack Nicholson! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! MTGS: That golfer bloke? JP: No, not him, I mean the one off of "Tommy" as the school bully and off of "Just good Friends".Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! MTGS: You come from the Ukraine. Is it scarey being up there at that height, lifting things and that? JP: Ahhhhhhhhh....Lifting? Height? Are you talking about cranes? Ahhhhh! MTGS: What's it like fucking Vera Duckworth on screen? You do bang her don't you? Or is it just acting? (Say hello to that fat lad who works in 't garage that used to live with you and Vera!) JP: Are you going to continue with the "Jack Jokes"? They're wearing a bit thin now!Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhh! MTGS: Sorry.............MR IN-THE-BOX!!!! JP: GET FUCKED!!!!.................Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhh! MTGS: Thank you so much for your time Mr Horner! It's been great to have you here, but before you go can you say one of your catchphases for us? JP: Ahhhhhhhhhhh of course ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. "I Like to ballance things! I'm currently ballancing myself on top of a pole ballancing a Victorian Thermos flask full of lamp oil whilst cross dressing in front of crying children!" (Ooh Betty!!")Ahhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! |