Embarresment...
    I'm not entirely sure how to start this story, for that matter I'm not sure I want to tell it.  But, I guess it might be good for a laugh or two so I'll share with you.  I guess I should start with some background.
   
     I was about 15 at the time.  It has always been just my mother and me, and we have a pretty good relationship.  I wasn't a perfect kid, but I was pretty good and never got myself in any real trouble.  I was a teenager, and like all teenagers I was growing up, going out more, staying out later, and making new friends that my mom didn't know.  Perhaps that's why she jumped to the conclusion that started this whole mess; but I'm getting ahead of myself. 
    I was in high school, and also Marching Band (fuck you, I'm not a band nerd).  We practiced after school once a week and afterwards me and Annie, a friend of mine since middle school, would often sit around and talk before heading home.  I lived close to the school so I would walk home afterwards, Annie however had a car.  We were seated on the hood of her car, talking about some certainly unimportant high-school crap when my mother pulled up with my Aunt Nancy.  Aunt Nancy has always been my favorite aunt.  She came over quite often and most of the time we would go out to eat when she did.  I started to say goodbye to Annie, thinking I was about to sit through some boring conversation while eating, but what fate had in store for me was much MUCH worse. 
     Before I could even finish my goodbyes, my mother started telling me in a very firm voice to "GET IN THIS CAR THIS INSTANT."  With a "Gotta go my mom's pissed about something," and a quick wave I said goodbye to Annie and hopped in the car to calm my mother's nerves about whatever it was that had her so upset.  In the classic mother fashion, that first thing she said was "Is there something you want to tell me?"  As you all certainly know this is one of the worst things you can hear from your mother.  Quickly running though everything I'd done that could get me in trouble and eliminating everything that she couldn't have possibly found out about, I came up with nothing.  "I don't think so," was the best I could come up with.  I decided it would be better to wait for an accusation then to offer up information and get myself in more trouble.  As I sat and combed my memory for what the hell this could be about she asked, "Have you been doing drugs?"
     Now to be honest I had tried marijuana at this point, but only once and that was nearly a year before.  I said no, figuring there was no way she could have found out about that one time.  Of course her next question was "Have you smoked weed?"  Still sticking to my theory she couldn't possibly have found out, I said "No, honest I don't know what you're talking about."   But by now I was getting worried.  As we pulled into the driveway she really threw me for a loop, "Have you been taking heroin?"  Now I was completely baffled, but a little relieved because I didn't even know anyone that ever even tired heroin, let alone did it myself.  It was time to get to the bottom of this and find out what the hell was going on.
     "What in the world would make you think I've been taking heroin?"  My mother informed me that Aunt Nancy and she had found something in the basement, (where I had a cool little room with a couch, a stereo, and a black light).  They knew it was drugs, and they knew I was free-basing whatever drug it was, and they wanted to know what the hell I'd been taking.  Being complete oblivious what they were talking about I didn't know what to do but refute my innocence and tell them I didn't even know how to "free-base".  In hindsight, perhaps I should have just said I was free-basing.  The next question my mother asked will haunt me for the rest of my life.  "Then why is all of the Vaseline in the house gone, except for a jar I found hidden behind the couch in the basement?"
     Now I think would be a good time to explain that when I was about 12, I discovered the joys of masturbation.  I can't exactly remember the first time, or even how I learned of the practice.  Nor do I remember where I first got the idea to use a lubricant. But I do remember doing it, a lot. Hell two or three times a day for awhile there.  At first hand lotion or spit did the job just fine, but somewhere in there I tried Vaseline.  What difference petroleum makes.  Sure it's gooey and nearly impossible to clean up but that wasn't really my main concern at the time.  After a few months I had used up all of the small jar that was kept in the medicine cabinet and decided I should purchase some for myself.  Now for a 15 year-old to buy Vaseline is quite an experience in and of itself, but that's a story for a different time.  Suffice to say, I had wacked away all the petroleum jelly in the house and my mom had found my secret stash. What the hell was I gonna say???
     After a few minutes of franticly searching for some excuse I realized there was no pretty way out of this situation.  I hung my head, and accepted what I had to do.  "I... ummm... well, I used to.. ummm.. I used it for things."  With a flash of realization my mom and Aunt realized what I was talking about, or at least I thought they did.  I hoped that would be the end of it, but no such luck.  Unfortunately, my mother didn't quite get it, "You and Brooke (my girlfriend) have been having anal sex??  You know that's illegal don't you??"  I couldn't believe I was actually going to have to say the words, "No, I used it to masturbate."  If I had a razor I would have slit my wrists then and there.  There were a few minutes of silence following my confession. 
     Sitting there in humiliation I completely forgot about the "drugs" my mom had found.  Eventually my mom brought it up again.  We got out of the car and went into the house.  I asked them to so me what they had found.  It was a small yellow lump of goo.  They had put it in a spoon and burned it and got high off the vapors.  Why they decided it was drugs in the first place and decided they should burn it to see, I'll never know.  I began to inspect it and could not figure out what it was.  I asked them to show me where they had found it.  It was sitting on a table next to the couch in the basement.  When I saw where it came from I realized what it was.  We went back upstairs so I could make sure.  I smelled the lump of goo, and then licked it.  They had found the filling from an apple jelly doughnut I had eaten the day before.

     Well that's my story, and I swear every word is true.  My mom and I sometimes still joke about the apple filling drugs, but we never mention my confession in the car.  I hope you got a laugh or two out of it.  I'm pretty new to this whole writing for entertainment thing so I welcome any comments you have. Thanks for reading...