The Final On the Beat, with Ace Kendo

It's been a while since I last wrote one of these, and I decided it was about time to kill it, once and for all.  On the Beat started out as a simple column of sorts, back when the site was updated by people called Triple Life and Yogurtman, in the Faraway Time, Long ago, as I call it.  Seru being the only survivor of this such time.  I remember chuckling at their updates, specifically at their banter.  Sounded like fun.  Their updates were pretty funny too, save for the Linkin' Park review.  I doubt anything is as bad as that.  Even my short lived Starsky and Hutch review.
(Interpretation of what it was like:)

So then that wacky Hutch tells Starsky to take off his clothes, cause he is gonna trick those robbers:

Somehow, someone actual read the review, and I got an e-mail about it.  

Quite amazing, since the review was only up for about a half hour, before reason took over and I pulled it down.  Though this person is right on one thing, there was a fucking big retarded baby.

Well, I got a position on staff, and slowly have taken over the site, subverting everything to my whim.  Or something.  More accurately, I have been the focus of mockery in several comics, as well as the brilliant parody of On the Beat by Zenxin, which is funnier than almost any of my own On the Beats, save maybe the Hippy one, or Thriller.  Those I take pride in, compared to Love Part II, which I cringe at its existence.

And why?  Because of On the Beat, and the comics (which don't really exist anymore).  Because I got a bit too personal with On the Beat, and personal sites are classified as "Gay."  Just the same way as Urkel was once cool and popular, but later become the focus of the greatest campaign of mockery since the propaganda of World War I.  DIE YOU KRAUTS!  DIE DIRTY HEATHENS!  Stupid barbarian Germans.  No one likes Urkel, or Vanilla Ice anymore.  Though I am not sure anyone really like reading about people's personal lives, ever, unless they were really juicy.  Like the life of Lincoln, back when he fought the white man to free the brothers.  Thank you Lincoln, for without you, we would still be divided by slave and free states, and the stove-top hat would never have been vogue.

So, like Lincoln's farewell address to the freed negros at the battle of Bunker Hill, I want to say goodbye to On the Beat.  I should have either refined it into a true column long ago, or else just given up on it completely when I became a staff member.  This means that my wacky collection of SNES videogame characters, such as Sancho and Murray are gone forever.  As is Elize Du Toit, who I shall never see again.  I am sure you will all miss them as much as I will, such as we miss using diapers as babies.  But like diapers, they are covered in shit, so I want to distance myself.  Not even my bastardized Karnov saved some of that material.  I will miss him, most of all.

-Ace Kendo

Ace didn't feel like giving Sancho and the gang a final bow.  If you'd really did like them, and would like to see their return, e-mail your complaints here.