teh konsoul warz!!!1
Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Billion Dollar Corporations.
If this site had a professional demeanor, with a competent staff, we would be churning out laugh riot inducing articles or editorials about recent events and topics that everyone in society can relate to. And me, the self appointed “videogame guy” would have already written a well thought out unbiased overview of the new game consoles set to debut in a few days time. And it would have been done months ago, after I had collected all the facts, watched previews of games, read over the technical specs, and all that other shit you see everywhere else. But as you’re well aware, we aren’t a professional site, our articles are lucky to get a single chortle from deranged sociopaths, and our staff is made up of lazy degenerates, with cynicism so strong that they really don’t give a fuck about recent events or society in general. Well, maybe that’s just me. As well, I don’t give a shit about any of my 6 faggot fans (except the guy that made this. It’s beauty is found in it’s awfulness.) who patiently await something like Tales of Censorship and instead get a review of Castlevania: SotN. I like games damn it, I have to write about dull shit all the time, things I usually am not interested in at all. I like games so much in fact that I may never write something poignant like this again, and instead, everything from me will be games games games. And if you don’t like that, go read some more about Ace’s gay bar hopping. So, it dismayed me that I have so far neglected to make a passing reference to the upcoming console wars. UNTIL NOW. That was the worst fucking lead in ever. In essence, I will take a (halfassed) look at the upcoming new systems Xbox, and Gamecube, as well as the PS2 which while not new, is in direct competition. And I’ll treat each with my usual brand of love, meaning biassed opinions, assumptions, and me calling a lot of things gay. Dick jokes perhaps? YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE. Fun shall be had by none.
cockbox~!!1 omg loll!!1! ^_^ Yeah, ignore that. I once saw a group of nerdly Yogurtman type Japs laughing at the “ridicurous” proportions. Of course, us secure white men know their laughter is covering up the secret shame and envy they have when they see that everything in North America is bigger. “Look at big Amelican system, honourable Japanese make small Gamecube, it not matter size, but how using it.” In case you’re lost right now, and all this innuendo is over your head, Japs have small dicks, they in turn make small game machines as a reflection of that. In retrospect, it may have made more sense and possibly even more humorous to have compared the vagina size of Japanese and North American women. Because, you know, Xbox, Gamecube? Paragrams? It would be an unfair comparison though, as I lack experience with a Japanese box. As far as I know, those cunts are like miniature gorges, sans suspension bridge. HOWEVER, I’ve seen enough Jap porn to know that the males lack a little something in the meat department. Actually, I don’t even think they have male pornstars in Japan, they just hand out fliers saying ‘Wanted: Virile Men to Cum On Bunko Kanazawa in a School Girl Outfit.’ Bunko is just about the best pornstar ever, but it saddens me that their idea of hot lesbian action is one girl spitting chewed up crackers into another girls mouth, then pissing on her face. I mean fuck, they eat raw fish don’t they? Not much of a transition there. But I’m sure they’d screw up something simple and pure like one girl licking another girls twat. Like putting seaweed and rice on top of the cunt, making the one girl chew it up, spit it back on, then lick it off. I hate fucking Japan. Yeah, I don’t know anything about the Xbox except that the system and controllers are huge. That shit was just filler. LET’S MOVE ON TO SOFTWARE. 
Bunko moments before this.
Software:
I remember at one point the flagship series being touted was Oddworld. And they seemed proud of that. Almost to the point of Bill Gates doing donuts on the lawn of Sony Headquarters shouting “Yeah fuckers, motherfucking Odd-fucking-world, suck this billion dollar scrota bag, BOOMSHAKALAKA.” I’ve never known anyone that would buy a system just to play a sequel to Oddworld. I don’t even know anybody that has played an Oddworld game. Even me. They apparently smartened up and started showing off games like Halo, Dead or Alive 3, and some gay sports games only drunk college kids and people with no athletic prowess play. (Read: Yogurtman, on both counts. ZING, twice in one feature.) Halo is another fucking first person shooter, which you can buy for the PC, and besides, who cares about Halo when you can shoot Nazis in Return to Castle Wolfenstein? I don’t think Halo has any gimmick like that, and if RtCW has Hitler in a robot suit, it’ll be the best game ever. Dead or Alive 3, which I believe is exclusive to Xbox, but what the fuck do I know, I’m not paid to look that up, has the big bouncy tits and panties sexless losers masturbate to, and I guess is a good fighting game as well. However, it lacks the name power of say, Tekken, so it’s not a justified reason to own an Xbox. The rest of the games you can get for other systems, so I’m not even going to bother mentioning them. So in the end, Xbox may seem well proportioned and virile, but the software leaves it impotent. And I need to stop with these euphemisms.
Success? Or reserve a spot next to the Dreamcast?:
Well, the Dreamcast will get some company, this thing is going to flop like my attempt to not make this simile tie in with my earlier impotence remark. Add this to the fact that the Japanese think it’s a joke, reported load problems, and lack of big name games that aren’t available for another platform, plus a huge price tag spells disaster. At least they know well enough to market it towards adults. Parents are likely to laugh in little Jimmy’s face if he puts this on his Christmas list. Anyways, the past repeats itself, and American made systems die quickly. Phillips CDI anyone? And the whole “Look, it’s not just a system for games, you can use it as a PC, wow! Buy all this extra crap so you can really enjoy the experience!” I mean shit, you have to buy a separate controller just to get the DVD player to work. So I give the Xbox a rating of ‘GAY GAY GAY, up the butt’. Of course, if Microsoft felt like sending me a free system this could all change. My opinion isn’t that difficult to sway, and I would use all my power to convince my 6 fans to go Xbox all the way. Think about it, 1 free system equals 6 bought and paid IN FULL systems. Seems like a sound business decision to me. I have stroke.
Every little scrubby bastard worldwide is waiting with bated breath for this. So basically, if you Mr.Adult male aged 16-35 goes to pick one up, prepare to be emasculated. Being laughed right out of the store will be a natural occurrence for arch nerds across the country. I don’t care if you want to play the new Zelda, this system really wasn’t made with you in mind. But if you insist, get a younger member of the family to go with you. This way it makes you seem like a generous giving person to pieces of ass in the vicinity. Then you can reward the young lad or lass with a penny candy of their choice from the local candy shop. Being cheap to everyone but yourself is a way of life after all. I’ll probably pick one up (strictly for Metroid) sometime, and I have a nephew, win win. Or you can go the easy way out and ask for one at Christmas or a birthday. Then you’ll only seem like an arch-nerd to your family, and chances are they think that way already.
Software:
GAY KIDDIE CRAP GALORE. Cute big eyed animals instead of cute big breasted girls, gallons of gumdrops (fuck, I don’t know, I just needed a wholesome comparison) instead of gallons of blood. Chances are you’ll be bouncing on heads instead of shooting people in the face. Of course, you’ll have returning classics like Mario, Metroid, and Zelda, and those are some main reasons this system will stay on top. Even though Zelda looks monstrously gay at this point and in some pics of the new Mario it seems he has a glass bong strapped to his back. Not only that, the Resident Evil series is now exclusive to the Gamecube, and most likely will be the only adult title around. Too bad that series got stale after Resident Evil 2. You can only be surprised by something breaking through a window once. Mr.X busting through the wall was pretty innovative though. Super Smash Brothers Melee also seems like a winner, even if some of the confirmed and rumoured characters are supremely gay. Jesus, they must have at least 4 or 5 fucking Pokemon characters alone. And guess what else? Not one, NOT FUCKING ONE, Punchout!! character. No Super Machoman, no Bald Bull. Little Mac is rolling over in his grave. Not even fucking King Hippo. He was on Captain N and the Game Masters for Christ’s sake. The characters they have now, at least the secret ones, are mostly from games nobody in North America have heard of. King Hippo would guarantee a million seller.
Virtual boy revisited?:
Ha, no. It’s pretty much guaranteed to be a success, Nintendo has had the best luck with game systems of any company so far. It’s probably a big mistake to only cater to those ingrate punks, seeing as the bread winning adults might to partake in the fruits of their labour, enjoy the spoils of the grind. Or something. Rat bastards.
I don’t have a lot to say about the PS2, except it’s THE BEST SYSTEM EVER. Yeah, I own one, and you can tell by the title image I favour it the most. NUMBA ONE. Whooo.
Software:
Good Lord, it’s like they tailored these games specifically to my interests. Grand Theft Auto 3 taps into my love of beating whores. And the whole mafia thing, I like that kind of shit as well. Twisted Metal Black is the first good sequel to one of my favourite games ever. Twisted Metal 3, 4? Fucking shit. Devil May Cry appeals to my, well, I have no idea because I haven’t played it yet. But from what I hear, it’s better then 10 Zeldas. Capcom vs. SNK 2, another sequel to a beautiful game, and I would be really excited about it if I hadn’t already procured the Japanese Dreamcast version in a completely legal way. Then you have more fine games like Silent Hill 2, Soul Caliber 2, Onimusha, and a bunch of others I’m unaware of. Not only that, it’s backwards compatible with the regular Playstation, so it started out with a library of hundreds. So basically this system and the games have been blessed by Jesus Christ himself, and are even more majestic and divine. The DVD player supposedly isn’t the best, but I wouldn’t know, my house has 4 players already. So fucking sad.
Outlook: Well, it’s been out for months. They could really clean up if they dropped the price, but of course they won’t for a long time. Meaning I had to pay full fucking price for mine. I really did need Grand Theft Auto 3 that badly. I still have the first 2 on my computer, and I’ll burn in Hell before I upgrade my computer just for the 3rd. My computer serves 3 major functions, internet, word processing, and storing MP3s. So instead I spent over 500 dollars for a system and accessories. I never said I was the most level headed person in the world.
Sometimes I miss the days when it was only the SNES and Genesis on the scene, and any new system would be wiped out, like the 3DO or Atari Jaguar. But one thing is certain, at least one of these companies will fail, and badly. The market can only handle 2 systems, 3 is just glutting it. History repeats, and only time will tell which one will fall. And time is telling me Xbox is fucking toast. Hell, they had the Rock endorse it, that’s a desperate act. Most wrestling fans need their welfare checks for beer and cigarettes. Xbox is doomed, if you smeeeeeeellllllll what...fuck, never mind.
-Seru40
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