Total Recall

Believe it or not, there was a time when Arnold Schwarzanegaerargranergar made movies people actually wanted to see. Long before he was having pig parts connected to his aorta, he was churning out action movie after action movie. Wether he was playing a crack commando who said very little, and killed several people in varying ways, or a robot, who said very little, and killed several people in varying ways, Arnold always had a way to entertain the populous. Then after the huge success of the classic critically acclaimed Academy Award winning comedy Twins, (Danny DeVito and Arnold Twins? BUT, THEY DON’T LOOK LIKE EACH OTHER AT ALL! AND CLASHING PERSONALITIES? WHY THEY’RE THE ORIGINAL ODD COUPLE! AND HIJINX ENSUE?? Man, I want those screenwriters to teach me a thing of two about funny.) and after America had collectively lost control of their bladders and bowels from the laughter that movie induced, Arnold decided it was time to really branch out, and play a secret agent that said very little, and killed people in varying ways. Yes, this movie was Total Recall, the critically acclaimed Academy Award winning sci-fi thriller.

The plot basically was this. Arnold plays a construction worked named Douglas Quaid, who goes to a company called ReKall, a place that implants memories of trips to exotic lands that regular people can’t afford, because his life of jack-hammering rocks then jack-hammering young Sharon Stone was apparently too dull for him. He also seems to dream about Mars a lot, and an incredibly ugly whore played by a nameless early 90's actress. ReKall also gives him the option of living a different life, so of course he chooses to be a secret agent that inevitably kills several people in varying ways. His mission is to get to Mars. I forget why, but it is. So, shit happens, he pulls a large glowing orange ball out of his nostril, more shit happens, people get killed, and he gets to Mars.

Now, Mars is much like every other place in the world, filled with prostitutes and freaks. The difference being the lack of an atmosphere and alien artifacts. In order to slip onto Mars without being detected, Arnold dons a fat woman suit and face. An amusing scene, yes. An entire movie devoted to a man dressing in a fat woman suit, ie: Mrs.Doubtfire, is not funny whatsoever. Robin Williams is only funny when he’s coked up. Oh, who the fuck am I kidding, he’s never funny. Anyways, people start dying again, and now Arnold must go to a whore house to get his next clue to whatever his mission is. We meet the stereotyped poor black cab driver guy, and after Arnold goes past a few mutant freaks, we get to see the greatest thing in cinema. One of the whores has 3 breast. THREE. That was magic. (I like to call her Tri-Tits. Or Titty 3 Breasts.) If that’s the worst thing mutation in the future will produce, I welcome nuclear winter with open arms and if it did happen, melting skin. Actually in the case of Nuclear war, I would probably be dead and wouldn’t be able to enjoy the fruits of the aftermath. The Japanese probably have hoards of three breasted woman living in underground caves somewhere, and will someday unleash upon the world ‘3 breasted bukkake super happy fun rape party the movie’, to be followed up by ‘3 breasted women shit on 3 breasted women, the sequel to 3 breasted bukkake super happy fun rape party the movie’. They could probably work in robot cats somewhere in there too. Well, anyways, Arnold meets with ugly nameless early 90's actress, stuff happens, then Arnold returns to his hotel. I think somewhere along the way we learn Arnold who is Quaid is actually Houser, but he is convinced he’s Quaid, and it turns out he is. That’s about as confusing as this review. Also, some ReKall guy comes saying all he’s experienced is fake, and it was exactly what he asked to be implanted. That turns out to be a lie, everything is real, so he shoots the guy in the forehead. So, some more shit happens, which involves more people being shot and killed in many varying ways, ugly nameless early 90's actress and young Sharon Stone get into a cat-fight, and Arnold kills young Sharon Stone. Sad indeed. Since she was the wife of sub-main villain guy who’s name I can’t remember, he seeks revenge, and chases them back to the Whore house. Then the worst thing in cinema happens as the 3 breasted whore gets shot. SHOT. I can’t continue with this review, I’m too upset from the flood of emotions.

LOVE.

OK, I’ve recovered. So, ugly nameless early 90's actress, Arnold, and the stereotype poor black cab driver go to meet the leader of the rebels on Mars, Quatto. Basically Arnold has information in his head that can help the rebels destroy the Death Star or something. I couldn’t really pay attention after the 3 breasted whore was shot. My attention was perked again when Quatto made his appearance, because Quatto is a retarded fetus grafted onto a guys stomach. Jesus, this movie is fucked, especially as I describe it. Oh well, anyways, retarded fetus Quatto does a mind meld or something before getting shot by the stereotyped black guy. DOUBLE CROSSING BASTARD. Before retarded fetus Quatto died, he told Arnold and the ugly whore to go to the pyramid mines and to start up an alien contraption that will give Mars an atmosphere. Yeah. Twin Peaks makes more sense then this. But first the villain guys try to return Arnold to his former Houser self, and several more people die in varying ways. After the stereotyped black guy tries to kill the heroes with some fucked up mine drill, and ends up getting drilled through the head, they get to the alien contraption. But the sub-villain guy has set them up, and several people die in varying ways. After sub-villain guy gets his arms ripped off, (I love this movie) and main-villain guy (I love it so much I don’t know any of the characters names) gets sucked onto the surface of Mars and suffocates, causing his eyes to pop out of his head and his neck to grow to unrealistic proportions. Well, Arnold and Ugly end up getting sucked onto the surface as well, the same things happens, but they’re saved by the fact the alien contraption worked. Mars has an atmosphere, Ugly and Arnold are together, and every almost every main character is dead. This is like Shakespeare, without the Ye Olde English. Fair Is Foul, And Foul Is Fair.

Yes, that was a quick rundown of the entire movie. Don’t blame me, I wrote it in about 10 minutes. So if it seems rushed, you know why.

So yeah, good movie. If you like this Arnold movie, be sure to check out Predator, Terminator, Terminator 2, True Lies, The Running Man, The End of Days, The Sixth Day, Conan the Barbarian, Conan the Destroyer, Hercules in New York, Commando, Raw Deal, Red Heat, Eraser, Last Action Hero, and Jingle All the Way. People die a lot in all of those, except those last two I believe. Or you can just rent The Rock. Sean Connery not playing James Bond in an action movie? Classic. Total Recall gets 12 breasts out of 15.

-Seru40