You know, being the main video game reviewer on this site, I’m privy to several questions from other gaming fans just like myself. And of course I’m glad to give them an answer. Well, that may not be technically true, if someone asked me a question about gaming I’d most likely respond with something like “I don’t really give a shit about -insert nerdly game question here- faggio. Why don’t you go collect the magic mushroom and become Super Faggio? Better yet, go grab a friend and you can be the Super Fagio Bros. BETTER FUCKING YET -long diatribe about anal beads and red hot pokers, inserting them into various orifices. You don’t want to read that shit.- But anyways, some questions I might get would be like “in yuoir own opnion watt is the bset game evar???/ lol ^^ :P” or “ hay seru u fuking fag, take dwon yer reviwe of amercan pie too, iit dosne’t suk, that movei is so fuking funy. i lieked the sooper glue on the dik, i laugehd untli i almsot peed, but i dind’t. tehn sumpin funni happened agian, and i did pee. but just a litle bit. oh wats yer fav game ever? i wish theyd make a amreican pie 2 game, i’d b tejh guy who has lotz of sex. mi mom sez she likes sex, so i do 2. ktxbye.” Yes, I do get letters like that, just as unreadable. And if I gave a straight answer to these dynamos, my choices could be any number of games. Karnov perhaps? Yes, I do indeed love the antics of that fat commie fire breathing circus freak/love machine, but the game itself is actually mediocre even by my biassed standards. Perhaps it’s Punchout!!, a fun filled romp wherein you pummel the shit out of 13 foot ethnic stereotypes before you get a “dream match” with convicted rapist professional boxing legend and ear gourmet and the friendliest most rational person of all time Mike Tyson. Maybe it’s Wolfenstein 3D, the game that created the FPS gerne, and introduced the world to the unfathomable terror of Hitler in a giant robo-suit. Or perhaps it’s Adult Manga Volume One, the classic SNES game where all you had to do was press the select button for a SlideShow of pixilated anime girls ejaculating and other family oriented activities. Well, you’re right, that’s the best game ever, the sequel was a bit of a letdown though. But the second greatest game ever by far, is Castlevania: Symphony of the Night.

Yes, Castlevania, the famous Konami made game series where you play a whip wielding European man in a leather skirt. Or more accurately you play one member of the Belmont clan, a family who for generations have been the most powerful vampire killers/S&M enthusiasts in the world. And being as such, they also get to battle the most famous/powerful vampire in history, Dracula. But unlike the novel of the same name, the only thing needed to vanquish an immortal vampire possessing the strength of 20 men is a flimsy leather whip. And getting to the Lord of Vampires isn’t a cakewalk. You must battle through stage after stage filled with the denizens of the undead. Skeletons, werewolves, floating horse heads, at least 5 games have followed this simple formula. That is until Symphony of the Night. (What a fucking buildup.) Playing more like Super Metroid (for the love of God, don’t read that. Or at least for the love of Super Metroid.) this game seemed to come out of nowhere and became an instant classic amongst me and the 12 other people that played it. Yes, the irony is that even if this game is a certified classic, it sold like shit. I’m sure if you packaged liquid shit into Gladd freezer bags, you could sell them quicker then SotN. So basically, this review will be amusing to Yogurtman, Gimp Mask, people in comas, and myself. Kind of discourages me from going on. BUT TO SPREAD THE GREATNESS OF SotN, I WILL CONTINUE. Gay.

Aside from being an adventure game where you search for key items to further your quest like the aforementioned Super Metroid, there is another substantial difference between this and your run of the mill 2D Castlevania. You no longer command a Belmont, the star of this game is Dracula’s homosexual octoroon bastard son, Alucard, last seen in Castlevania 3, but looking like less of a dandy. You see, after the events in that game, he decided that he had to put himself into an eternal slumber so his accursed blood could not live on. But that only lasted 300 years, which most likely consisted of dreams about sweaty blacksmiths in bicycle shorts eating corndogs. So you can guess as to how pissed he is when he wakes up, aware of the evil at work in his homeland. (That’s how the intro puts it anyways.) A disturbance in the force or something gay like that, who knows? Anyways, the last Belmont to kill Dracula, Richter, has mysteriously disappeared and even worse, Dracula’s castle has rematerialised about 96 years before schedule. So with no Vampire Killers in sight, it’s up to Big Gay Al(ucard) to stop the forces behind whatever caused these events to take place. And maybe, just maybe he can get revenge for all those times Dracula beat him with a Bible, shouting phrases like “I ain’t having no fags in mah family boy. I’ll beat the fag out and beat the Jesus in.” Or maybe that’s just something that happened to my cousin. He writes poetry and wears Italian made open toed sandals now. Plus the famous effeminate lisp. I used to bodyslam him onto sidewalks. Good times. Anyways, Alucard must do the usual combat with Dracula’s undead legions, and luckily for him he can collect dozens of different weapons, from flying swords to not flying swords. As well as hundreds of different items, like cheese and shiitake mushrooms. Amazing. At one point we learn that Alucard is a momma’s boy, in a nightmare induced by a succubus. Here’s the official art for that same succubus. I love this game. He also must ward off unwelcome advances from Richter’s slutty sister in law Maria, who’s main job is to help Alucard unravel the mystery of why the missing Richter has claimed he’s the lord of Castlevania. And how does she do it? With a pair of fucking sunglasses. My mistake, “HOLY SUNGLASSES”, that allow you to see invisible balls. And those balls belong to funky soul brother number one, the Dark Priest Shaft, who is behind everything, including the future resurrection of Dracula. So after Alucard plays with Shaft’s balls, (yes, I am a comic genius) the second half of the game is revealed in the form of an inverted castle. Or reversed for all you laymen out there. Alucard must collect Dracula’s body parts (no dick jokes here) to gain access to the main chamber where Shaft is resurrecting Dracula. And blah blah blah (brevity is the soul of wit, you soulless witless bastards) Alucard kills Dracula who goes into a long diatribe about Jesus and love, and he finally dies. But he will be back of course, as the Castlevania series recognizes Bram Stoker’s novel as an event. Funny, when I read that book there weren’t any mention of floating Medusa heads or reanimated skeletons. Bram Stoker is such a fucking hack.

Now, while on the subject of floating Medusa heads and reanimated skeletons (Good Lord, I’m the motherfucking transition King) the enemies and bosses in SotN are on the same level as those found in that classic 5 star winner Karnov. Half the time, I would pose the question “Sweet fucking Jesus, what the Hell is that monstrosity”(though not in those exact words) before resuming regular game play. The first time you might use this phrase is when you fight the Granfaloon. Originally called Legion in Japan, which would have made a lot more sense, but Konami seems to have a fascination with naming their bosses something really gay or confusing. Like for example a boss in Super Castlevania, a dancing ghost couple. The male of the pair was named Fred Ascare, and the female was Paula Abghoul. Oh, I bet more then one gut was busted with that gem. Well anyways, Legion would have made more sense since the enemy is in essence a large floating ball made up entirely of nude gender less bodies. These bodies are a shield, protecting the tentacle brain type combination underneath. Granfaloon actually means a proud and meaningless association of human beings. (Thanks to the Castlevania Dungeon for that tidbit.) At one time I was going to have my “handle” (GAY) be The Granfaloon instead of the now illustrious Seru40. But circumstances (gay, gay, circumstances) required me to choose a Japanese mispronunciation for a futuristic Android over a villainous ball of bodies. Regretful, I know. But at least I didn’t choose something gay like Action Hank or Ace Kendo, Crime Fighter. But that’s neither here nor there. The bottom line is, the Granfaloon is equivalent to the green fish guy that throws peas at you at the end of the first level in Karnov. Another enemy that must have been designed by a sociopathic genius is Beelzebub, the lord of the flies. Now, while it’s not a rotting boars head on a sharpened stick (if you don’t get that reference, read a book you illiterate fags) it’s the next best thing. Basically, Beelzebub is a giant rotting corpse suspended from the ceiling by hooks, and attacks by sending giant flies at you, while you can get life back by collecting the maggots that fall to the floor. If I just wrote bad-fucking-ass instead of that description, it would have the same effect. Then there’s Yorik, a skeleton that eternally chases it’s own skull. Shakespeare jokes? This is one fucking classy game. On the less interesting end of the spectrum, you have liquid panthers, knights that ride on horses that have been cut in half, dancing skeletons complete with top hat, and an odd looking giant frog thing with a woman for the tip of the tail. I’m sure all these enemies are somehow connected to a bad acid trip. Sadly, no coffee table turn into giant tarantulas, and people’s faces don’t melt while ants crawl out of the skull.

While I hadn’t planned on this (because I couldn’t make the .wavs) I have to dedicate a part of this review to the voice acting. Why? Because quite simply, the voice acting in this game is absolutely fucking terrible. It’s on the same level as Resident Evil. And this isn’t a bad thing at all, it makes the appeal of the game go up all the more. I can’t count the number of times I’ve played the opening intro just to hear Dracula say shit like “What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets! But, enough talk, HAVE AT YOU!” And while Maria doesn’t tell Alucard he’s the master of unlocking, or if he narrowly avoids being crushed that he almost became an Alucard sandwich (God damn Resident had some bad dialogue) the cheesy acting isn’t relegated to Richter and Dracula alone. Death, the Master Librarian, Succubus, the Oarsman, all have something laughable to say. Hell, even the familiars sound semi-retarded. Plus all the voices have a tinny quality. There’s no explanation for that, but it just adds to the overall awfulness.

Now, if you haven’t hobbled your greasy ass down to the store to pick up this fine game, then it seems that I’ve misjudged my 6 fans. But if you’re smart you’ll get Castlevania: Circle of the Moon for the Gameboy Advance while you’re at it. And hopefully you’re anticipating the rumored 2D Castlevania game for the Playstation 2. Circle of the Moon is basically the same deal as SotN, but this time the main guy does have a whip, but still not a Belmont. Hell, you can even use a gun in that game. Plus Legion (Granfaloon) is back, except as a regular enemy, and as a floating head with tentacles coming out of the eyes and mouth. The new rumored game is said to be made by the people who made SotN and Dracula X: Rondo of Blood, which is supposedly even better then SotN. Of course no one will ever know because it only came out in Japan, for a system nobody owned. That’s some great business sense for you. But hey, I bought a PS2 just for this game. Actually it was for Grand Theft Auto 3, because beating pimps and whores with a baseball bat, then running them over with the ambulance that came to revive them is just about the most entertaining thing in the world. The new Castlevania is a nice bonus though.

-Seru40