Super Smash Bros. Melee

“Every little scrubby bastard worldwide is waiting with bated breath for this. So basically, if you Mr.Adult male aged 16-35 goes to pick one up, prepare to be emasculated. Being laughed right out of the store will be a natural occurrence for arch nerds across the country. I don’’t care if you want to play the new Zelda, this system really wasn’t made with you in mind.”

Yeah, I was talking about myself. Just bringing that up in case SOMEONE WANTS TO BE A CONCEITED LITTLE PISSANT FAGGOT, WHO MIGHT GO, “Oh look, Seru fucking 40 contradicted himself. Irony isn’t your strong suit, guy. Who’s infallible now you ice picking, tree tapping, axe wielding, beer drinking, bear wrestling, igloo building, sled dog racing, mountain climbing, Canadian cock sucking piece of hippie west coast pot smoking gutter trash faggot?” Actually my subconscious told me that. God damn Id. Luckily it’s not match for my super ego. psicology si gay

Now, I started this beauty up, and the second the glorious intro finished I simply uttered, “Jesus Christ, I love this fucking game more then anal sex with a Japanese schoolgirl.” Which is an incredibly odd thing for me to do. Not the part about me talking to myself, or the fact I use so many expletives whilst (GAY WORD) talking to myself, or the whole schoolgirl anal sex analogy. Hell, I use those types of analogies for everything I do in my daily life. (Like, for example “Man these new penny loafers feel as good as Bunko wrapping her Jap lips around my erect member.”) No, it was odd because I never, NEVER judge a game before playing it. But I knew this game would bring me hours of clean, wholesome fun, and indeed it has. So whatever scholar penned the cliched phrase “Never judge a book by it’s cover” will be sucking my greasy sweaty sac stew in Hell, it’s a scrota bag delight. And that will make all my years of heresy seem worth it in retrospect, besides, Heaven is most likely some resort for smarmy ivy league country club yuppies, Yalings no doubt. And believe me, no one has boorish manners like a Yaling. The boys from ‘Hahvuhd’ seem pretty alright, though. Neither one is a match for my alma mader of course. GO FIGHTING ... uh, we actually don’t have any sports teams. If we did the mascot would be a waterfowl, or a moose, or a drunken fur trader. So, great game.

As with any game review, I’ll do a quick rundown of the characters. Of course, at 25 playable, I’ll eventually get impatient and therefore, most descriptions will be a sentence long and some may get the special treatment. Those lucky souls just get the word GAY for their description. It’s a good way to sum up some special fighters at least. And maybe, JUST MAYBE, I’ll add some hentai. Why? I have no fucking clue.

Mario:

Only a videogame can glamorize a fat greasy cheese loving wop whose profession includes flushing other peoples shit out of pipes. And for around 20 years at that. Personally, if my videogame hero has to be fat, I’d also like him to be Russian and involved with the circus in some fashion. Luigi is King though.

Dr.Mario:

HEY, it’s Mario, except with a labcoat. Wow. While it’s obviously a huge disappointment that Mario’s clone isn’t Wario, Dr. Mario is at least better then the original in most aspects. As well, his music brings up fond remembrances of my days as a mere lad, playing Dr.Mario with my dear deceased mother. She died in a horrible car accident, after a plane crashed onto the highway. Yep, she was on her way to the hospital for yet another bypass operation/cancer treatment. You see, after her initial bypass, there were complications and she contracted the rarest of cancers, heart cancer. I only wish she hadn’t lost all her limbs in that rock climbing accident/shark attack. Then perhaps she could have dragged her body away from the flaming wreckage. She managed to roll a few feet, but the exertion caused her to have a aneurysm. What a plausible tragedy.

Luigi:

It seems to be Nintendo’s mission to slowly turn Luigi into a prancing little fairy. This way they can destroy his fanbase and keep the hated Mario at the top. Nice try you manipulative bastards, not even casting John Leguizamo in Super Mario Bros. The Movie will work. (Great 5 star classic by the way, ageless and you should all go purchase it immediately so you can enjoy it for your entire lifetime.) Luigi will now and forever be King. Hey, remember the Super Mario Bros. Super Show where they kept the phone in a plate of spaghetti? Classic.

Princess Peach:

I always thought it was Princess Toadstool, when did this Peach bullshit start up? Oh, she’s terrible, don’t use her.

Yoshi:

Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island was good. After that however, GAY GAY.

Bowser:

If this site was a singles ad, the knowledge that I enjoy long walks on the beach would be a plus. The ground may be permafrost tundra, and the ocean under 5 feet of ice, but it’s still a nice way to spend an hour or two. Anyways, every time I go, I see a sign warning you not to bring your dog onto the beach. The first line in bold reads “Pause here Bowser.” Yeah, I’m well aware that’s an absolutely fucking awful anecdote. I can’t relate anything to an 8 foot lizard with a spiked turtle shell, OK? It’s not like I’m getting paid for this shit.

Samus:

Ace Kendo tarnished my once pure love for Samus and her bounty hunting adventures when he unleashed his beastly review of Super Metroid on to an unsuspecting populous. Despite that, Samus isn’t all that terrible here. Actually, the one level with the giant Kraid that rotates the platform you fight on is the true Metroid star here. Yes, I think this may be my first true step towards recovery. Someday that love for Metroid may be reclaimed. It’s a long road ahead, and I’ll have to take it one step at a time. Damn you Kendo.

Ness:

I never got into Earthbound, but while I’m on the subject of Ace “Murder the good name of Metroid, piss on it’s corpse, then shit on it whilst playing Snake II on his cell phone” Kendo, there was once a delightful picture of an enemy from Earthbound, the New Age Retro Hippy to be specific, representing him in on the staff page. Then one day he made the page all Flash, and fucked up all the pictures I had hand picked. (Including the delightful winking Tyson.) What’s worse, he changed his own to some shitty looking hippy that looked like it was drawn for Mad magazine. I hope you just drooped your head and are slowly shaking it in disgust. I know I am.

Donkey Kong:

The Vinny Mac: “GameFAQs is terrible.

I WENT TO THE SMASH BROTHERS MELEE BOARD TO TRY AND FIND WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO GET THE WALUIGI TROPHY, and some super fag made a thread about how he is offended that there is no black characters in Smash Brothers.

It was terrible, and he was very upset that they changed Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson’s Punch Out!! to Mr.Dream.

LUCKILY SOME HERO CAME BY AND ANSWERED THE “WHERE’S THE BLACK CHARACTERS” QUESTION WITH “They have Donkey Kong, don’t they?”

l o fucking l. I have the Waluigi trophy, good stuff.

Pikachu:

I pondered for minutes about what I should write here. GAY is acceptable, but it just isn’t enough. So I thought you might appreciate this image from a hentai manga. From what I can tell (it’s not that hard to figure out) Victor from Darkstalkers is fucking Lilith from the same game with a giant Pikachu cock. Oh, the world we live in. BAHN NUKOO

Pichu:

Hey, here’s the rest. POWA WAVE! POWA GEYSA! AH YOU OH KAY? BUSTA VWOLF!

Jigglypuff:

Jesus fucking Christ. Here’s some more I suppose. Jigglypuff is in the background there. Pokemonhentaimaster I am not.

Mewtwo:

ENOUGH ALREADY. It embarrasses me just looking this shit up. I CERTAINLY HOPE YOU’RE HAVING A GOOD LAUGH BY NOW. Fucking Pokemon bullshit. Here,the pain’s too strong, I can’t go on.

Ice Climbers:

The fuck? Who decided to put these fucking fucks in this game? And for the sake of continuity/redundancy, I’ll add that I think this is a fucking gay fucking choice. Fuckity fuck. (Note: GAY)

Fox:

One of the event matches describes Fox as one of Nintendo’s “Realistic” characters. Yes, a walking talking fox that flies around space looking for a deranged monkey scientist that ends up being a giant head and two hands is entirely plausible. Yes yes. spicy anus

Falco:

Fox, except as a parrot or something. The game describes him as Fox’s surly co-pilot, which in turn reminds me of that episode of the Simpsons where they go to Duff gardens and one of the 7 Duffs is named Surly. That was also the episode with the rapping Abraham Lincoln robot and Homer fawning over a half eaten rotting 10 foot hoagie. Yeah, everything reminds me of the Simpsons. But it was an amusing episode. Of our lives.

Mr.Game and Watch

Apparently, a Game and Watch was some gay LCD game system that was around in like 1980. Yeah, even I’m not old enough to remember that, and I don’t think anyone playing this game is either. NES and up Nintendo, stick to that. Mr.G&W is great though. Little Mac would have been a superior choice of course.

Marth:

YEAH, the best character from the best game EVER. Actually he’s from some Jap RPG no self respecting North American would have ever played or even heard of until now. Good fighter though.

Roy:

Marth, only better. The whole “Who’s better? Marth or Roy” thing gets debated venomously on some message boards. Incredibly gay arguments. It’s sad really.

Kirby: Why anyone would choose Kirby is beyond me. To be in this game, I mean. Terrible.

Captain Falcon:

F-Zero is a terrible, despicable blight. As is the entire racing game genre. And since Falcon is associated with it, he’s automatically dubbed Ye Olde Gay Faggot. And that reputation is justified. FALCO ... PAUNCH!

Link:

Despite sporting a green dress and white pantyhose, Link remains the definition of manly. Yeah, even I don’t believe that, and I wrote it.

Young Link

Younger, quicker, fayer. jsut liek in okariania of tiem!!1

Zelda:

I think the highlight of using Zelda is that you get to transform into an effeminate ninja. There’s been a real lack of effeminate ninja transforming in recent years, and I’m glad to see it finally stop. Bravo, Big N.

GANONDORF:

YAAAAAAAAAAAAA. THE BEST.

He may be sloth like and have a huge Jew nose, but he’s still 100x better then everybody else. I’d prefer the evil swine form of Ganon, but beggars can’t be choosers. Hell, Pig Ganon should be the true boss, not Giga Bowser. Mostly because Giga Bowser is a little light in the loafers. That’s the worst way to say something is gay ever.

Now, this game isn’t all Holy Sweet Jesus. There are a few GLARING errors. Like, for one, no Punchout!! What so fucking EVER. Not even a trophy. A TROPHY. There’s 290 trophies, but 0 representing Punchout!!, one of the finest games of all time. There’s a fucking bucket for Christ’s sake. Little Mac is rolling over in his grave. Also, there’s a huge GAY factor that most would rather overlook because it’s such an enjoyable experience. I mean, it’s obviously REEKING with homo, you have flower weapons, Pokemon, and the Donkey Kong rap. Well, I kind of like the Donkey Kong rap, but only when alone. Actually, just disregard that last sentence, it’s a terrible song that no self-respecting MAN would enjoy. Yeah, I can’t write anymore, go get this game. Do it.

-Seru40