000 platoon....
a comic strip parody by Olaf Deitrich....
perfect the art of cock-blocking...
Intercepted Intelligence:
Dear Olaf:
I really dig your 000 platoon comic strip. It's the most realistic comic strip I have ever read. The only trouble is that there is not enough of them written. I know it takes you a long time to finish a comic, but your readers are suffering. couldn't you speed up the production line?
Andy Boyd, Falls Church, VA
Dear Andy:
No.
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beat the crap out of jimmy...
Dear Olaf:
000 platoon mission #72687 was fab: the art in this story was also very good. we like the ending, where you had St. George and Von Hammer battle with swords inside the old castle. Von Hammer would normally have lost, but having St. George lose because of his own armor-weight was a great idea. Enemy Ace is DC's best war magazine.
Derek & John Premac, Colorado Springs, CO
Dear Derek & John:
What the hell are you talking about? It took two of you to come up with that?
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snoopy versus the red baron...
Dear Olaf:
Remember the time Sgt. Rock fought a battle to the death with the Nazi hero-of-old Barbarossa? I'm sure you do, because the story was most surely in mind when mission "Hot Pants" was written. But true to your style, you create a dozen differences to break away from the obviousness of a rewrite. This reminds me of something that needs to be discussed. Villains. Should Rudy have selective enemies? Indeed yes. While it's true that no one man can ever make as good a recurring villain as "poopy britches", one is enough so none other should be tried. Also, what of art? Neal Adams is my choice, too, for a sub for you.
Gary Skinner, Columbus, OH
Dear Gary:
What?
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master the art of dynamic tension...
Dear Olaf Deitrich:
I am very much interested in the Far East and I would like to know something about China. Lately I have been reading in the newspapers about fights between the Red Guards and others. Maybe there will be a revolution. Could you tell me if there has been in the past a tough dictatorship in China and ten a revolt, led by the people themselves?
Louis N.
Dear Louis:
What papers are you reading? Alright, history lesson time. We are going to turn back history to about two centuries B.C.-that's a long time ago-to the time that Ch'in became the first emperor. He was a tough dictator in every sense of the word. It was written that he discarded the ways of the former kings, and burned the writings of the hundred schools in order to make the people ignorant. He destroyed the major fortifications of the states and assassinated powerful leaders. He also collected all the different types of spoons from each empire and brought them to his capital city. There the spoons were melted down into one really big idol of charles schulz. He really scared the common people with his weird statues, and lulled them into complete submission. He died and his successor took the throne. Next we meet a young farmhand by the name of Ch'en She. The year is 209 B.C. Ch'en She and his friend, Wu Kuang, are part of a group of conscripts sent to garrison Yu-yang. If it hadn't rained history might have been different. But it poured and poured, so that they had no choice but to have a wet kimono contest. According to the tough law of the emperor, if the men did not reach their destination at the appointed time, they were executed. So the two were stuck in a dilemma. Do they continue with the wet kimono party, and be killed for being late? Or continue on? Really they had no choice at all, so they continued with their wet kimono party and revolted against the emperor. Wu Kuang told his drunken commanding officer he was going to run away. As the commander beat him, the sword slipped from the scabbard. Wu Kuang seized it and killed the officer. Then Ch'en She helped him and they killed the rest of the officers. They then called a meeting of the men and put it up to them. The men all shouted, "We are too drunk to fuck!" And they were right. But that didn't matter. They had a few swords. They cut down hard tree branches, and turned a farmer's sheep into a useful instrument. And others flocked to help them in the drunken party. There is an old saying that nothings succeeds like success. So in other parts of the country drunken riots began to appear, and spread throughout the land, creating the first and largest drunken sheep orgy that China has ever known.
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