The Stuff You May Have Missed!!!
COME CHECK ME OUT AT.......... Trippy D's Extravaganza
Rant Number One: Okay, I'm behind this dillweed in a pickup, going about 35 mph. He decides to turn right, so he just slows down all of the sudden and turns. Well I almost ran in to the back of him, so I honk. He stops in the lot he's just pulled in and turns to flip me off. Now, this guy was in the wrong and he's flipping me off as if I did something. That pisses me off! So I stopped and flipped him off too, and yelled. Then he got out of his truck and starts walking towards me, so I backed up and gassed it. By the time he realized what I was doing and headed back to his truck, it was too late. I ran his ass down, slamming him back against his truck. Then, I pulled away, satisfied, and continued on my way to my therapy appointment.
Rant Number Two: The fight against drugs and prostitution. Now will someone please tell me why the government keeps spending money to fight these things instead of legalizing them and making money off of them? I mean, what kind of business sense does it take? If they legalized marijuana, cocaine, and prostitution, you could stop off on your way home Friday night, pick you up some blow with your beer, swing by the local cathouse for a honey of your liking, plus maybe a powerball ticket or two, and head on home for a good, safe, legal time. Meanwhile, everything would be taxed to the gills, like cigarettes, and the government could make some money for a change. Plus, think of all the new jobs this would create. Doesn't anyone else see the potential here?
Rant Number Three: Those folks who park right in front of the door at Kmart and Price Chopper. See, I have known for some time that if you drive a Lincoln or a Camaro or a Corvette, well, you just naturally have the right to park where ever the hell you want. What really pisses me off about all of this, is that cops are out in front of the Price Chopper and Kmart all the time hauling off shoplifters and hookers and panhandlers and shit, so why don't they take the time to write a couple of $500 tickets instead of hiding behind a bush on the side of I-70 waiting to give my ass a ticket for doing 70 in a 55 that should at LEAST be a 65, but really ought to be a 70 mph zone? Can anyone tell me that? I have had cops whip u-turns on busy streets to come back and give me a ticket because they clocked me as I passed them I suppose, and then, while I wait for them to finish jacking off in their patrol car over the excitement of pulling me over, and actually bring the ticket up for me to sign, I witness cars going by with kids hanging out the windows or crawling over the seats, and cars with mufflers dragging the ground, or billowing black, poisonous smoke. Why don't these cops drive around arresting all those people with temporary plates that have expired? Huh? Tell me damn it, tell me!!! Well, now, this has sort of turned in to a rant of a different kind, hasn't it???
Rant Number Four: Okay, those people that stand inside and greet you at the WalMart. Is this really a necessary job? I just went there on Sunday night at 9:55 and damned if there isn't a kindly older lady with a big blue smock on and a smile the size of Idaho, and she says to me, "Hello, and welcome to Wal-Mart", as if this is some kind of NEW place that no one in the world has ever visited before, and thus, may need to be welcomed. THEN she has the audacity to ask if I need a cart. Now this is ludicrous on two counts my friends. A) It's Sunday night at 9:55, so the sort of thing I need so desperately that it couldn't wait until Monday is certainly NOT going to fill up a whole shopping cart! and B) I think I have been to WalMart before, and I think I would know if I needed a cart, and I THINK I would figure out where the hell they keep the said carts, should I be so inclined, but gee, you know, sometimes you just forget you need a cart until some nice greeter person points that out to you! Now, this would be a heck of a gig, I gotta tell you, so really, no offense at ALL intended to anyone who actually holds this coveted Greeter position. I mean, shoot, I'd do it if I could, you know? This ranks right up there with the people that do the voice overs for commercials and movie previews and crap like that. If you can get that gig, then go for it. In fact, you know, I think I just figured out exactly what the necessity of this Greeter thing is - it makes people feel good, in a way WalMart didn't really intend, or maybe they did, I don't know, but I mean, they want you to believe this person is being friendly, and then you will smile and shop happily, but what they are really going for is what actually happens. You walk by this greeter, you feel good knowing that there are still places in America where any sap with some initiative can land a job where they get paid to basically screw off and not have any responsibility, and SUBLIMINALLY, you think, man, I gotta buy some shit, and ESPECIALLY some of that Made in America shit, cause, damn, America ROCKS!!!
Rant Number Five: Just a short one here. Will someone please inform Leonardo DiCaprio, his shit does indeed stink. I recently heard he was trying to copyright his name so that he would control what people wrote about him, or how they used his name on magazine covers and books and the like. Well, you know, where I come from, any publicity is GOOD publicity, and he should be damn lucky people want to do anything whatsoever with his name, cause believe me it doesn't last. Sure, I had it once, the fame, the glory. I got a little full of myself, it's true, back in my glory days, way back in the 70's. I did all the same stuff, avoided the press, punched out a few cameramen, ran down a nun or two (oh, sorry, unrelated actually to this story) but man, I WISH I had groups of people driving by my house in buses like they used to, man, I just wish.....oh, wait a minute. None of that stuff really happened to me, what was I thinking? I am in no way qualified to rant about this subject. Forgive me.
Rant Number Six: (A group) Those people that set off their own car alarms when locking or unlocking their doors. Now, they KNOW they have an alarm, so what's the deal? Did they not read the instruction manual, or what? Now I know I'm a poor guy, and I can't afford an alarm system, so maybe I don't understand the particulars of this, but come ON, how hard can it be? Honestly, I think they do it on purpose so everyone will look and go, Ooh, they have an alarm. Yeah, well, that would be great except a lot of times, it's an alarm on an Escort that has tires and wheels that cost more than the damn car itself. Ok, next, how about those people on shows like Ricki Lake? No, not the 'contestants', but the audience. These people clap at everything the host says, like they are at a football game or something. Ricki yells at a teenager for disrespecting Mom, *clap clap clap*, Ricki says something lame that the audience perceives as her idea of a joke, *clap clap clap*, Ricki bends over to pick up the mic she dropped and farts, *clap clap clap*. Well, you get the idea. And what about those people who, rather than just ask what time it is, will point at their wrist. It's like you want to say, "Hey, asswipe, I know where my watch is, where's yours? Yes, that is your wrist you are pointing at, now why don't you try sticking it between your legs and watch for the shadow on your knee to tell the time. I mean, do I point at my crotch when I ask you where your bathroom is? Come ON! I hate people - they're the worst!
Rant Number Seven: Those people who will get up off their ass and wander around the house looking for the remote, only so they can avoid walking the six feet to the TV to change the channel manually. And one more about People. Those people who, during a movie, will ask you, "Dude! Did you see that?" Well, no, dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come in the theater and stare at those neon art deco things on the wall over there, while chomping popcorn and contemplating what color I will paint my next poodle. What the HELL do you mean, did I see that?
Rant Number Eight: Okay, now, it is September, correct? If I'm not mistaken, we have oh, Columbus Day and Halloween, and Thanksgiving, and surely some other scattered holidays here and there. So, will someone tell me why, as I walked through the Jones Store the other day, I had to be accosted by some damn Santa thing, dressed in overalls, swinging his little battery operated ass like Elvis on Acid and singing "Holly Jolly Christmas!" I'm not making this up, people, go check for yourself, it was in the Men's department, next to the cologne. I was outraged so much that I went back there and unplugged the little monster, and then I gave the evil eye to this little tank top sporting, bell bottom wearing teeny bopper with pink lipstick, working behind the register. It's not even October, so I don't even think we need to see Halloween stuff out, but this was a bit ridiculous.
Rant Number Nine: I was sitting at a light by this repair shop and I see this old guy getting out of this huge boat of a car. Now, he is wearing yellow and brown plaid pants with a red and blue checked shirt - swear to you. He has on a ball cap and brown cowboy boots. One of the boots still has a pant leg stuck in it. It was the right leg, so I don't know, maybe he thought he was on a bicycle and didn't want to get it stuck in the peddle chain. Anyway, he is using the car for support, leaning against it as he walks behind it and then finally shuffles his way inside. Now, I ask you, if this dude can't even dress himself properly, and he needs to lean on things to help him stay upright, should he really be out on the road with all of us. I just don't think so. I think everyone over 60 should have to take a driving test every 3 years, and once they hit 70, it should be every year. This won't happen though, cause the damn AARP has our elected lawmakers by the balls, and every time they try to pass something like this, two old ladies waddle in to their office waving AARP cards, or bingo cards, depending on the day, and they get scared. Well, I am tired of old people running the show, I say let's kill them all. Yeah, forget the driving test, all people over 70 should just be shot. Did I say that out loud? Sorry, didn't mean a thing. Oh, hi, what's that Grandma? Oh nothing, just a harmless little rant page I do once in a while. What, mow your lawn, but... okay. Uh, I gotta go now.
Rant Number Ten: Fakey newscasters drive me crazy. Oh, why did I even say fakey, as if there is a different kind. First, I have several issues with the TV news, so many that I will probably turn this in to a full length rant someday, but for now, let me say I hate how they tease you with a story at the beginning and then it doesn't come on until 22 minutes into the show. A leading bathroom cleaner may kill you. Story at 10:19. Meanwhile you have just finished cleaning your bathroom and now you have to sit and worry for 19 minutes, so you end up dieing of a heartattack, but since they found residue from the cleaner on you, it gets blamed again, when really it was the newscaster with his big grin and plastic hair who did you in. And the powerball drawing! This originally was shown before the 10 o'clock news, then it started right after the first tease, then you had to wait until the first commercial. I mean, the powerball drawing is the only reason I'm anywhere near the TV news at 10, so this is a very sore subject. But the way the anchors banter with each other and act like they like each other is so stupid. Enough with the small talk, enough with pretending you are interested at all in whatever sport happened to be the last one mentioned, enough acting as if you have an opinion about something that is at all relevant and not fed in your ear by some person in a back room. And the laughter, sometimes I just want to strangle these people. How do you honestly go from "And tragically the little boy's arms were never recovered" to "Oh, Harris, you so crazy!" in ten minutes and expect to project any believability whatsoever?