| Partners - Some Thoughts from Pen |
| Where do we go from here? So - the first thing you need to consider is not 'How can I make him stop?' but 'Am I going to be able to live with this?'' It's a sad fact that a great many marriages do break up because of the husband's transvestism, but it's by no means inevitable - lots of couples, like myself and Trisha, do manage to get past the initial shock, amazement and distress, stay together and move into a new phase in their relationship. One thing that you need to be aware of at this stage is that your partner's transvestism hasn't come on overnight. It was always there in his personality, it's probably been active since he was a child or early adolescent, and it was almost certainly there when the two of you met and fell in love, even if he wasn't actively cross-dressing at the time. It could even be that the feminine aspects of his personality were part of what attracted you to him in the first place - many TVs are gentle, sensitive men who are in touch with their feelings and can comfortably talk about emotional issues, in a way that more traditional 'macho' men often can't. So the first thing I'd suggest you need to do, perhaps even before you've made up your mind about whether you want to stay in the relationship, is TALK with your partner. Talk calmly together about what his cross-dressing means to him, how it makes him feel, how you feel about him doing it. You might want to try to learn more about transvestism in general, perhaps through the Internet, and this may well raise questions in your mind that you'll want to discuss with your partner. You may find that he'll be somewhat hesitant or defensive at first, but once he realises that you genuinely want to discuss it and that it's helping you, he'll probably be only too pleased to respond to your questions and concerns, especially if you can keep conversations calm and friendly and show that you're interested in his thoughts and feelings. Keep talking, discuss all and any issues that worry you or that you don't understand, and youll find after a while that you'll have a clearer idea in your mind about what transvestism is all about and how you feel about it. Setting Limits Assuming that you can come to terms with your partner being TV, and you want to stay in the relationship and try to make it work, the next step is for you to decide how far you're prepared to go to support his female side and how far you want to be involved in this aspect of his life. Don't try to rush things at this stage, and don't let him push you into going faster than you want to - take it at your own pace, take as much time as you need to, and never let yourself be persuaded into doing anything you don't feel totally comfortable about. You may decide that while you can live with knowing about his transvestism, you don't want to be in any way involved with it, to see him 'en femme' or to know the details about what he's doing and when. This is a perfectly reasonable approach and one that your partner should be prepared to understand and accept. As time goes on, however, and especially if the two of you have been able to discuss your feelings and issues in a constructive way, you might find yourself becoming more curious about just what is involved in being TV, what your man looks like as a 'woman', how realistic the illusion actually is ...... Next |