PCOs Diary Webring. It is a collection of websites that are peoples own PCOs diaries.
My husband and i got married on the 7th of march 1998. We had already been trying to have a baby for six months but did not succeed. In may 1998 we decided to have some tests done to see if there was anything wrong and i was then bookked in for a hysterosalpingogram. It was horrible, and false. It showed me that my tubes were both blocked and we were devastated. Two months later i had a laparoscopy that showed my tubes were clear so my gyno put me on clomid. Not once did he mention that i had pcos. For the next 8 months my husband and i took the clomid and my mood swings were incredible. If it wasnt for my loving husband i dont think i would have ever survived. Every month when my periods arrived i was totally devastated and on the verge of suicidal. We took a couple of months off because i couldnt cope. When we went back my gyno put me on clomid again. This time i only lasted 3 months
and he sent me to an ivf clinic. That was where i met Dr Forbes who immediately informed me that i had pcos. I was so relieved. I actually had a reason as to why i wasnt falling pregnant, i was still upset but i felt as if a great weight had been lifted off me just by knowing that i really had a medical problem and i wasnt just a useless wife. I came home that day and cried for about an hour, it was so good to know what was happening to me and for the first time in over 2 years i actually felt like a whole woman. I am now starting the follicle stimulation hormone teatment and hopefully fingers crossed in about 4 weeks i will be able to come back with some good news.
Well here I am again with lots of news to share with you all. I started the follicle stimulation treatment and guess what I actually was ovulating. Every morning I had to inject myself with 50mls of Gonal F for two weeks. This was not an easy task as it was so scary every time but my hubby helped which was great. I had to get up early every morning and travel to brisbane to have an internal scan and blood tests to see how my egg growing was going. After 6 days we found an egg growing, it was the most wonderful thing that could have ever happened I was so excited.
I was over the moon that I could actually have an egg. I kept injecting myself for another 8 days and by the end I had a fully grown egg that was ready to hatch. I was given an injection of pregnyl 5000 and told that we were to have sex within 24 hours. It was so funny, my husband and I were like little kids, we were so nervous. Then the pain came. After not ovulating for so long and because of the pcos it was extremely painful. The next 2 weeks were hell, the waiting and hoping that I wouldnt get my periods. But alas exactly 2 weeks later I got them. Then we started again. I was so devastated. Dr Forbes gave me a hug when I first walked into his office and that made me feel as if I wasnt really alone. I think that that feeling of being alone is the worst. I know I have a lot of supportive people around me but I still feel as if I am alone in this. Silly isnt it. So we started again.
Once again it didnt happen. I was getting really upset and I felt as if everyone was disappointed in me, of course they werent but that was the way I was feeling.
Well Here I am again ready to start another round of this treatment and believe me I am really not ready to do this at the moment. I am so tired of being disappointed. My husband wants me to give it one more go but my heart really isnt in it this time.
I get more and more upset each time I do this. I dont know why and I know its silly but every month when I get my periods I just feel as if I have just let everyone down. I know that everyone is just feeling for me and barry but I just wish everyone would stop asking me how everything is going and if I am pregnant yet. I just feel like crawling under a rock and staying there sometimes.
Well it is valentines day and my periods are one day late. Am I pregnant or not, I keep thinking about it and I know I shouldnt but I do. I go for a blood test on wednesday, fingers crossed that it goes well. I am scared to tell barry and mum because I feel as if I say something to someone then my periods will come. Ha Ha the things that go through my mind are just unbelievable. I am really nervous because I keep thinking that I am pregnant because I am late and I know I shouldnt because If Im not it will be harder to take. Heres hoping wednesday is a good day.
Well I found out I was pregnant today, it was so funny we found out at aservice station in Moree. I cried and cried. I was so happy. When we got to coonabarabran I went to the toilet and i was spotting and I was so scared. All I could think about for the next two hour drive to Dubbo was that I was losing my baby. How could this happen to us. After everything we had been through. When we arrived in Dubbo that night my mum and barry took me to the hospital, they were lovely to me and said that this could happen early in a pregnancy but I was still worried because something didnt feel right. I have a dreaded fear that I have or am losing our baby. I cant believe that this is happening to us and I dont know how I will cope if it is. This baby means more to me than anything else in the world, and I know barry feels the same way. I keep going to the toilet to see if I am still bleeding and I am trying not to worry barry too much. Hopefully tomorrow it will be gone.
I woke up feeling so wonderful today and then I remembered that I needed to get up and check if I was still blleeding and I was. I was so devastated. I didnt want to tell barry and mum because inside I knew what was happening and I just wanted them to have a few days of happiness. I am so scared I dont know what to think ordo. I have gone from being ecstatically happy to being so scared and feeling as if my world is being ripped out from beneath me in a matter of 24 hours. How could this happen to us. Mum bought me a baby magazine today and belinda gave me some books. I have been reading about miscarriage and the symptoms and it scares me even more as I am having some of them. I told everyone that there was nearly no blood at all and this made everyone happy, except me. Its my sisters 21st tonight and I dont want everyone worring about me when they should be having a good time. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Well today was one of the worst days yet, I ended up in hospital again and Now I am sure that I am losing our baby. I lost a large amount of blood today and the hospital took blood tests to see what my hcg levels are but I dont find out until tomorrow. I cant believe it. Barry told me last night that he didnt know he could love me any more than he did but now I am pregnant he thinks he loves me even more. Will he still love me that much when our baby is gone?
My life has been ripped away from me and I just feel so devastated. Everyone knows what is going on now and it is all a matter of just waiting to see what is going to happen. I keep trying to tell myself that everything is going to be alright and it is just excess blood that my body is getting rid of. But I am not doing a real good job of convincing myself. I just wish I knew what was going on. Everyone keeps telling me that everything will be fine but I know that they are all as worried as me. God I hope I am wrong
Well I havent been here for a while, I havent been able to face writing about what happened. The night I arrived home from Dubbo the Ivf clinic informed me that I was in fact losing my baby. We were devastated. I kept going over and over in my head what I had done to lose my baby. I kept reliving the previous 3 weeks trying to figure out why because I blamed myself. I felt that I was the reason I had lost our baby and I needed to know what I had done wrong. I was full of so many fears but the worst was thinking that my husband and our families were blaming me. Of course they werent but that was how I felt because I was blaming myself so I figured that they would be blaming me too. Going to the hospital and actually saying it out loud to the nurses and doctor was the worst thing. I didnt want to believe what was happening.
I found myself pretending that I was fine because that is what I thought everyone would want. I took a week off work and then I went back as if nothing had happened. But inside I knew it had. Inside my whole world was over and I was just going over the motions that I thought everyone wanted to see.
I forgot that my husband was going through as much torment as me but all I could think about was that somehow I had killed my baby. I convinced the Ivf counsellor that I was fine, I think I even convinced myself that I was fine. Two days after I had returned to work I left work for a two week period as I finally realised that I wasnt coping. I didnt want to see anyone and I didnt want to talk to anyone. I hated everytime someone came to me and said how sorry they were. I know now that I was feeling sorry for myself and I should have taken the counselling that was offered to me because I wasnt coping and I was just alienating everyone from my life.
I felt as if I could have crawled into a hole and never come out again. I didnt want to even think about getting pregnant again.
My husband and I both wanted to have something to remember the baby by so we went and bought a yellow rose tree. We also bought a special pot to put it in. We both found ourselves talking away to it. Funny isnt it but it helped in a huge way.
Well while I was in hospital I found out a little bit of interesting information. This has not been proved but it is worth trying. The nurse I had has been on the IVF program for 5 years and she was telling me about a farmer friend of hers who was fertilising his paddocks with chook poo from the chicken farms and all his cows got pcos and they couldnt fall pregnant. Well I got to thinking and yes with all the hormones that are pumped into them that could be well true. So I stopped eating chicken and only eating free range eggs and guess what I actually got a period on my own. I dont know if there is any connection but it is and interesting concept.
May 23 2000
Well here I am again and I am starting FSH treatment again, I have so many mixed feelings about it, I promised barry that I would go back to ivf after I had had a natural menstruation, and guess what I did and here I am again. It feels so strange and somehow I am not feeling very positive about it. I dont know what it is but I dont feel quite ready yet. But we will see what happens anyway. It is so strange injecting myself again, I didnt think that I would be doing it again so soon.
May 31st 2000
Well I went to the clinic today and guess what , I have no egg yet, I was devastated, I cant believe that this is happening to me I dont know what is going on.
I have to go back in two days to see what the go is. I cant believe after everything that we have been through that now the treatment isnt going to work, I am trying to keep an open mind but it isnt easy. Barry cant understand it either and he is just as upset as me, why is this happening to us, what the hell did we do to deserve all this heartache.
June 2nd 2000
Well we went back to clinic today and our worst fears were confirmed. We havent got an egg but we have got a quite large cyst, dr called off the treatment straight away. I just cant believe it, what is going on in my body at the moment, we feel as if when we get close to being happy, it is all ripped away from us.
I have joined this email group where I talk to woment all over australia about pcos and how we are coping with it in our lives. They are all a wonderful bunch of ladies, and it has given me so much support that I didnt think I could ever get. It is wonderful to be able to talk to other women in the same situationas me and the best part is that they know how I am feeling and they know that I am not just neurotic. I often feel that way because none of my family can understand when I lose the plot over little things lol.
Hi well here I am again, and guess what I am still not pregant. I have gone off the IVF program for a couple of months as my doctor has finally put me on metformin, but at the lowest dose, and he does not want me doing fsh while he istrying me on this. In a way I am a bit upset but on the other hand if I could get pregnant without it it would be wonderful. I have found that my mood swings are a lot better and I am coping with life a lot better also. But the side effects of the metformin are not so good but I am willing to put up with them to get the end result. Maybe next time I post something I might have some good news for you.
hi I have been terrible lately, it has been a month since I have been here. Well the metformin seems to be getting my cycle back in swing. I actually menstruated on time this month. Believe me when I say that this is an absolute miracle for me. and for once I am not preoccupied with getting pregnant. Dont get me wrong I still desperately want to have children but I am not constantly thinking about it 24 hours a day, only maybe 15 hours lol. But I have found that I am much calmer and more content within myself. I am happy at the moment just being with my dear husband and family. I think I am a lot lucker than most as I have the best hubby in the world and no matter what happens on the baby front I will still have him and that is all that matters. I hope everyone is feeling as good as me and if not, I hope you can think about something wonderful so that you can feel good about yourself too. Till next time, good luck.
Hi its me again, lol, well i havent been doing much lately, I am actually waiting to see if I am pg. Fingers crossed guys, AF is 2 weeks late but I am not sure wether or not met has stopped working or if I am pg. Am going for a blood test tomorrow, I am not sure whether or not to get my hopes up because I am getting all the symptoms but then I also know that I dont usually get af when I am not on injectables, oh well we will see. I am a little scared actually, I so want to be pg but I know if I find out I am not i will once again be devastated. It seems though that it is getting easier to cope with when af arrives each month, I dont know if I actually am just getting used to not being able to get pg again or if I am actually coping a little better, I will tell you though that I do love this metformin, I am so much calmer and little things that used to stress me out so much, dont even worry me anymore, there is hope for me yet hey lol.
I have been putting all my energy lately into building my web pages so I supposed that is taking my mind off of having a baby a little, except that all my pages are about pcos lol. Oh well I hope everyone is well, I have just added a new thing to my page for people who want to know when I update this diary, not that I am that interesting lol. Good luck to all and many hugs to all my fellow cysters out there.
Hi again well nothing much has changed in my life of pcos and I am sorry to say I am not pg yet. I am still on metformin but I have upped the dose to twice a day and my periods arrived today and they are 6 weeks late so I dont know whether or not the metformin is helping except for my mood swings that is. They are practically nonexistant now. I still cry at the drop of a hat though, I think its all those soppy ads on telly doing it lol. Recently a lady I talk to through email just had a miscarriage last week and that has hit me pretty hard especially since I should have been having my baby this month. I keep thinking about it and yes sometimes crying, I think that at the moment is the hardest time for me. I keep saying to myself I should have been getting ready right now to have my baby and Im not. I dont know how I am going to be around the 25th which was the day I was due but I dont think I will be doing much, I dont want to acccidentally rip someones head off. I think I am just a little down at the moment about the whole thing. I keep saying why the hell did god do this to me and barry, Im pretty sure that we didnt do anything to deserve it. Anyway I am sorry if I have put anyone in a sad mood by this but I dont want to talk to other people because I dont want them to think I am going nuts lol. Well lets hope when I come back next time I am a little happier. Lots of hugsto everyone till next time bye.
Well hi again all, I hope everyones christmas and new year went well. I have been having major computer problems so I havent posted for a while. Not much has been happening in my life, I have gone off metformin as it stopped working for me so I am back to square one again lol. I had a bit of a lost plot week last week, friends of ours just had twins and I saw them for the first time and I didnt stop crying for 2 hours. I really didnt think that it would affect me like it did but well it did. They were just so little and so new.
I am going to see a naturopath on the 16th of february, her name is ruth sharkey and she is very popular here in australia for her work with pcos patients, she has about a 90% success rate so heres hoping she can help me because I am getting pretty desperate at the moment. I am 30 this year and I feel as if My life is just passing me by. I so desperately want to have children and I know that barry does too, it is hard on him too, but he keeps strong for me I think. Well anyway enough of this depressing stuff, I hope everyone is well, catch you later.
Hi all well i am really sorry i havent been here for a while but I have not had too much to add as things have been very boring for me lately. Well since i last was here i went to visit the naturopath and i would recommend her to anyone, the mixture she gave me to have cleaned me out a lot, i did end up very sick from all the rubbish coming off my ovaries but afterwards i felt better than i have ever felt. I have also been taking metformin again and i think due to the combination of the two i have ovulated two months in a row, still no pg but there is at least a little bit of hope. I was 31 yesterday and i am starting to feel a little bit past my used by date and i keep thinking is it ever going to happen for us but i know that some day our wishes are going to come true. To everyone out there who knows the rut i am in at the moment and are feeling the same way, just hang in there because we are all here for each other and if it wasnt for all you women out there who i rely on for support i think i would be locked up in a mental hosp lol. Any way i promise i will come back soon and write a more lengthy entry. Good luck to all
Well everyone since I last posted I have fallen pg again and unfortunately in my 7th week lost our baby. I couldnt believe it had happened again. I had 2 weeks of pure bliss, it was so wonderful, everyone was so happy and hubby was just walking on cloud 9. I seem to be more able to handle this time a little easier but I still start crying whenever I think about it. I am so scared to get pg again I really dont know what to do. I feel as if I have a large hole inside me I am just so empty feeling. Hopefully like last time I will learn to deal with it and be able to get on with life and trying to conceive again. Well I will leave you here and hopefully come back when I have happier things to tell.