Title: At Night Author: Trixie Disclaimer: Joss owns them, and messes with them. So do I though, so maybe I should get to own them to? We could work out a deal, Joss. I get them 364 days a year, and you get them once. I think that's fair Rating: R Author’s Notes: I wrote this after seeing "Sanctuary" again. Summary: Buffy's having dreams... Category: B/A --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I had a dream last night that Angel and I made love. Or had sex. That sounds more appropriate. It was in that hallway in the police station. That time we argued and lashed out at each other. I was just in the middle of telling him how much I loved and trusted Riley (what a joke that was) and suddenly he grabbed me. I wasn't aware it was a dream. I don't know why. He snarled with anger, and pushed me against the wall.

The hallway was silent and no one was around. Maybe that's just how my brain rationalized no one seeing us. Or maybe it was because…I didn't want him to stop. If there had been people around he would've had to. And I couldn't let that happen. He shouted at me, and his breath was hot and his body was hard. He wanted to know why the hell I was telling him these things, and honestly, I had no answer for him. What could I say? That I just wanted to cut into him, make him bleed for hugging that whore, Faith? Maybe I just needed to know that he still thought of me. And maybe it was because my cheek still throbbed from the imprint of his hand. I imagined the mark like a huge back bruise, a purple smudge on my white face. But I guess it didn't even make a mark. Slayer healing powers. Right then I hated them.

As he pressed closer to me, I looked up at his face and it crumpled, and he kissed me, his lips cool and hot at the same time. My mouth devoured his hungrily, and that's when I became aware that it was a dream. Because in reality he would never kiss me. He's too strong, has too much will power. His arms were rock hard and he wrenched at my clothes and it was a nightmare, because I wanted it. Riley, be damned, I wanted Angel. Needed Angel. To the point where I was consumed and practically begging.

My whispers were desperate and the wall felt cold against my back. He cupped my ass and shoved up inside me, and it didn't hurt, it felt good. He wanted to hurt me. But I wouldn't let him. I ignored his angry eyes and I kissed his lips and forced my passion onto him.

When I came, he looked blank and removed, but his body was trembling and he was hot inside me, so I knew he felt it. It was such a mockery of our past but I didn't care and I wrapped my legs around him, wanting to be as close as I could get. If I could have climbed inside him I would've. Maybe then he would know it feels. To have someone under your skin like that.

Afterwards he looked at me strangely. As if he didn't recognise me and couldn't understand who or what I was. He spoke, "Why are you here? You shouldn't be here. I left. Why are you still here?"

I wanted to cry, but I didn't, cause there were no tears left. Instead I pulled on my sleek black outfit that had looked so coolly capable when I chose it to face him. Now it looked dirty and shredded. Just like my skin. Just like my confidence.

So I left, and he stared. He didn't hit the wall like he had when I was really there. He just leaned against the wall and stared.

The thing that I remember most about the dream is not the sex. It's not his face, or his hands, or the length of him within me. It's not the silence of the hallway or the absence of people or the coolness of the wall against the naked skin of my back. It's not the betrayal of his touch or the fact that my cheek stung from his blow. No, it's none of these things. It's that he didn't change into Angelus. That should be a good thing, but it isn't. Because it means I didn't make him happy. Being with me, making love to me…isn't how he achieves his perfect happiness anymore.

I'm lying here now, thinking I should be dreaming of Riley. After all, he is the guy who just loved me and left me. But I'm not, cause it always comes back to the first. I'm curling into a little ball underneath my pure white sheets and I'm not crying. Because I have to get up tomorrow and pretend I'm fine and that may be the biggest challenge of all.

To pretend I'm fine. That I feel nothing. That I am as strong as everyone thinks I am.

That I don't dream at night.

END STORY GOES HERE Use 's whenever there should be a line break