blonde

Blonde Jokes

What you will NOT find here, are the typical "Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory" type jokes. I have tried to use only the jokes that haven't been told a million times.

A Blond and Brunette are watching the news. The blond says to the brunette,"I bet you $100 that the man won't jump off the building." The brunette takes the bet, and the man jumps. The brunette says, "No, I can't take your money, I saw this before and I knew he jumped." The blond says, "I saw it before, too, but I didn't think he would jump AGAIN!"

Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde. The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said "no" and the executioner shouted ".....Ready.....Aim....." and suddenly the brunette yelled, "EARTHQUAKE!" Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped. So they brought up the redhead and asked if she had any last requests. She said "no", and the executioner shouted "....Ready...Aim......" and suddenly the redhead yelled..... "TORNADO!" Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped. Well, by now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought her forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said "no" and the executioner shouted "....Ready....Aim..." and the blonde yelled, "FIRE!"

A white woman walks into a sex shop and approaches the counter.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one
before." She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...."
She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the saleman responded, "I did really
good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
The copilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the copilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the North side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breast stroke. Just three women entered the race - a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 48 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

Blonde secretary's memo to her boss:
TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, not of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for the next year. The calendars have been returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel-off prize. She pulls off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"

The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!" By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads,"WIN A BAGEL."