A: I 'dunno...it hasn't happened yet...
Q. What's the most effective birth control for men?
A: Their manners.
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a PC??
A: A woman won't accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy...
Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A: Men always miss them...
Q: How do we know soap operas are so far off?
A: Men are NEVER that affectionate out of bed.
Q: What do men at a singles bar have in common?
A: They're all married.
Q: How are men like noodles?
A: They take lots of dough, are always in hot water, and they lack taste.
Q: Why is food so much better than men?
A: You don't have to wait an hour for seconds...
Q: What do toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're made for children, but men always end up playing with them.
Q: Why do men put ice in their condoms?
A: To keep the swelling down.
Q: What is the definition of a bachelor?
A: It's some guy who's depriving some woman of her God-given right to alimony
Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY.
Men are like.....Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night
long.
Men are like.....Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
1. He does not have a BEER GUT. He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER. He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME. He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING ! He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION or FOLLICLY CHALLENGED.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER. He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIATED
RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK. He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL A**. He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG. He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT. He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
I'm going fishing: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand while the fish swim by in complete safety.
It's a guy thing: There is no rational thought pattern connected, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
Can I help with dinner?: WHY isn't it on the table YET?
It would take too long to explain: I have NO idea how it works...
I was listening...I just have a lot on my mind: Is that redhead over there wearing a bra??
Take a break, honey, you're working too hard: I can't hear the game over the damned vacuum...
That's interesting, Dear...: Are you STILL talking?
You know how bad my memory is: I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've owned, but I forgot your birthday.
Hey, I've got my reasons...: And I sure hope I think of them soon...
What did I do this time?: What did you catch me at?
You look terrific: Oh, GOD, please don't try on another outfit...I'm STARVING.
I have two mounds upon my bodice,
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee,
I can justify any shopping spree,
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon,
Can get a massage without a hard on.
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas,
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass,
I always save money by using coupons,
Can admit to others when I am wrong,
Don't drive in circles at any cost,
So I don't have to admit when I am lost.
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon,
Every time I go to the john,
Let me tell you men, let me tell you boys,
Those things in your pants that you treats as toys,
You love them more than we ever will,
We would rather suck a big pickled dill...
I spend two hours to get ready for a date,
Only to find you're two hours late.
I don't watch movies with lots of gore,
Don't need instant replay to remember the score,
I won't lose my hair or get jock itch,
And just 'cause I'm assertive, don't call me a bitch.
I don't wear the same underwear everyday...
The food in my fridge shows no signs of decay,
I don't go to Sears to look at the tools,
I don't cheat at poker, I follow the rules...
I don't read magazines about cars,
I NEVER pay for drinks at bars...
I don't punch my friends just to say "hi",
And it's okay for me to cry.
I know all you men think you're "IT",
But compared to a woman, you just ain't shit!!
