Misc. Jokes; Page 1
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So, she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, and attended dilligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill... When the results came back, she was suprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor saying "I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I wondered if there was an error that needs adjusting." The instructor said "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all THROUGH the muffler...."
Joe rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Joe smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Joe breaks out sweating, trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says "Let's go into my apartment, I hear someone coming..." They go into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it, allowing her robe to fall completely off. Being completely nude, she purrs to him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarassed Joe stammers, clears his throat, and finally squeaks out "Oh, it's got to be your ears." She's astounded. "Why my EARS? Look at these breasts...they're full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural. My buns- they're firm and have no cellulite. Look at this skin...no blemishes or scars. Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body???" Clearing his throat again, Joe stammers..."Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was ME."
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch. She is reflecting on her long life when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well now," says the old lady, "I've always wanted to be really rich." **POOF** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a beautiful young princess." **POOF** She turns into a beautiful young woman. "And your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Oooh...could you possibly turn him into a handsome young prince?" she asks. **POOF** There before her stands a young man, more handsome than the woman could have possibly imagined. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her heart leap, he saunters over to her and whispers in her ear "NOW I bet you're sorry you had me neutered!!"
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the US by boat. The first nun says "I hear they actually eat DOGS here." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor. They walk towards him and ask for two dogs. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps two hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and unwrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "what part did YOU get??"
A Vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station he finds. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a huge bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess. There's ice cream all over the table, and all over the penguin's face. After finishing the bowl, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "Looks like you blew a seal." "NO, NO" the penguin says "it's just ice cream."
A fellow bought a new Dodge Viper, and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was off, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to see what the car could do. As the needle jumped to 90 MPH, he saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. The man thinks "There's no WAY he could catch me in this car", so he opened it up further. The needle hit 100, then 110, and finally 120... The cop is still behind him. He thinks to himself "What in the hell am I doing?", and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license, examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over before quittin' time. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The man says "Last week, my wife ran off with a cop, and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back to me." "Off you go," said the cop.
Did you hear about the new Richards Simmons doll? Wind it up, and it ignores Barbie and asks Ken out.
A policeman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time as everyone came out, he spotted his potential bust. The man was so obviously drunk that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot looking for his car. After trying his key in six different cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left. He turned his windshield wipers on, then off. He turned his lights on, then off. He started to pull forward onto the grass, then stopped. Finally, when he was the last car in the lot, he pulled out onto the road. The policeman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered a breathalyzer test, and to his great suprise, the man blew a 0.00! The policeman was dumbfounded! "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed. "I doubt it", said the man "tonight, I'm the designated decoy!"
What do Princess Di and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years, your job will still suck.
A preacher was telling his congregation one sunday that anything they could think of, old or new, could be found in the bible. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said "Preacher, I don't believe the bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that it must be in there somewhere and that he would look for it. The following week, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
Two young boys were having the typical argument about who's father was better. The first boy says "My father could beat up your father." The second boy says "Yeah, but my mom's better than your Mom." The first boy hesitates a moment and says "Yeah, I guess you're right. My dad said the same thing."
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his lawyer, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant "Where is the 3 million dollars embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million dollars you embezzled from me?" The lawyer interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret. The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the money is. The accountant signs back "I don't know what you're talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather that the accountant claims not to know anything about it. The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks it, and says "Ask him again." The lawyer signs to the accountant; "He wants to know where it is!!" The accountant signs back "Ok, Ok!!! The money is hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard." ..."Well?" asks the Godfather. The lawyer says "He said that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
If a dove is the symbol of love, what is the symbol for TRUE love?
A swallow.
