mensroom

The Men's Room

Whew, does it STINK in here!!!!!!!!! Speaking of stinking..heehee...a special thanks goes out to my bud Anthrax for sending me some of these jokes.

Why do brides always wear white?
All kitchen appliances come in white!

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing...you already told her twice.

How do you get a woman off during sex?
Push her!

Why do women fake orgasms?
They think we care...

What's the difference between a woman and a terrorist?
You can reason with a terrorist....

Why did the woman cross the road?
A better question is: What was she doing outta' the kitchen??

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?
Kick her in the butt!!

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured women out??
He died laughing before he could tell anyone.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand to see a man enjoying himself.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.

I married Miss right. I just didn't realize her first name was "Always".

What do you call a woman with two brain cells??
Pregnant.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open by the time she brings it.

Why is a laundromat a bad place to pick up women?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
when she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the stove.

Why do men pass gas more than women do?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Why is the space between a woman's breast and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there!

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
In five years, your job will still suck.

If a dove is the symbol of love, what is the symbol for TRUE love?
A swallow.

A guy finds an old lamp on the beach. He rubs it and a genie appears. The genie informs the guy that he will grant him three wishes, but whatever he wishes for his ex-wife will get twice as much.

"How about $1,000,000.00?" he asks.

"Your ex-wife now has $2,000,000.00 in her account as well," says the genie.

"I've always wanted a Benz, how about that?" he asks.

"Your ex-wife now has two of those cars," says the genie.

The guy stopped to think for a minute, knowing that he had only one wish left. "Could you beat me half to death?"

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"
"Yes, I do," she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road.
His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before.For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"
The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! Why did you die?"

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?" "I'm going too!!" he replied. "Why?" She asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric."
The husband replied, "How about a chair?"

A fellow bought a new Dodge Viper, and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was off, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to see what the car could do. As the needle jumped to 90 MPH, he saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. The man thinks "There's no WAY he could catch me in this car", so he opened it up further. The needle hit 100, then 110, and finally 120... The cop is still behind him. He thinks to himself "What in the hell am I doing?", and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license, examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over before quittin' time. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The man says "Last week, my wife ran off with a cop, and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back to me." "Off you go," said the cop.

A man was leaving a Stop N' Go with his morning coffee and newspaper when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetary. A long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet back. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file. The guy couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the pit bull and said "Sir, I know it's a bad time to ask, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Who's funeral is it?" The man replied "Well, the first one is for my wife. My dog bit her and she died." He inquired further: "Who is in the second hearse??" The man replied "My Mother-In-Law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned and bit her and she died." A poignant and thoughtful moment passes between the two men. "Sir, could I borrow your dog??" he asks. The man replies: "Get in line."

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. he woman's face was burned severly. The doc told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin... However, the only place suitable to the doc was his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because, after all, it was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded by the woman's beauty. She looked even better than she had before! All of her friends and relatives just ranted and raved about her youthful beauty. When she was alone with her husband one day, she said "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!" To which he replied "Oh, don't worry, honey. I get plenty of thanks every time your mother kisses you on the cheek."