| Title: All I Wanted Author: Celtic Child Disclaimer: If they were mine they would still be together... sadly they belong to Joss, the evil genius and his minions. Rating: R-ish(suicide) Feedback: celtic_child13@earthlink.net Summary: Buffy's thoughts a few months after Angel left. Timeline: After Graduation Pt. 2 Distribution: My site (Trouble With Goodbye), Dani's, Sarah's, and Chloe's. Anyone else ask first, please! Dedication: *To Chloe: You always keep me going with our incredibly witty banter into the wee hours of the morning. You love the smut and the angst so this one's for you... yet again! Haha And you're right.. we probably are menaces to society... but damn good menaces none the less! hehe I "lurve" you!! For Brat: Always inspiring... and I love ya for it! For Dani: You converted me to B/Linds, but I'll always be a diehard B/A fan! Thanks for all you do, good OR bad! haha. And For Sean: Words cannot express what you mean to me, "me trying however would be useless". hehe You're always there to talk when I need you,no matter what, you drop everything just to talk to me when I need you. For that I'm truley grateful. You're also an incredible hottie, so that always helps with the uh... comforting process. ::looks around:: A.N: I was sitting out on my patio with my laptop looking out at the field behind my house, and this came to me. Let's just say it involved a deep brooding session over a certain male wh's name happens to be mentioned in the dedication. But I don't like to name names... Just go with it or smile and nod... that always works, too! * Song is "Here With Me" by Michelle Branch (not the Dido one which I also love) // song lyrics Story is set in Buffy's POV. * Suicide Warning * ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- //I know you had to go away I died just a little, and I feel it now You're the one I need I believe that I would cry just a little Just to have you back now Here with me Here with me// I can't eat. I can't sleep. I stare out the window into the night, waiting for him to climb up the tree next to my window, but he doesn't come. He never does. I wait every night once the sun calls it a day and sinks behind the horizon.I silently draw my sweater closer around me, to hide my frail body. My friends are worried.They know I love him, they just don't see. My mother doesn't understand. She never liked him anyway. If I didn't know any better I'd say she drove him away, but no one is that evil, are they? Giles pretends to understand... but I don't think he really wants to. //There's not a minute that goes by every hour of every day You're such a part of me But I just pulled away Well, I'm not the same girl you used to know I wish I said the words I never showed// I remember every detail about him. The way his hand fit perfectly in mine. The way when he held me it felt like we were molded together to perfection. How his eyes always matched the color of my coffee. I can never drink it anymore without thinking of him. I remember the cool feel of his skin whenever I touched him. I loved his hair and how he spiked it up just the way he knew I liked it. How he could tell me anything and everything just by looking into my eyes. And I remember the way he loved me... //You know that silence is loud when all you hear is your heart And I wanted so badly just to be a part of something strong and true But I was scared and left it all behind// I pushed him away so many times it's a wonder why he ever loved me. As often as he was jealous, I got ten times more jealous whenever another girl just looked at him. He is mine... or he was. Everyone keeps telling me that he left me... that it's not my fault he left. But it is. I know it is - I feel it. If I would have known he was going to leave I would have made more moments together with him. I keep replaying them in my mind because there's never enough of them to just keep playing. I remember when I first met him in that alley so long ago. I remember our first kiss in my bedroom and how we promised we couldn't be more than friends. How he held me in his arms and comforted me. How he told me he loved me and then showed me just how much he really did. But I can't hold onto hope much longer. It's slowly slipping from my frail hands and falling piece by piece to the floor... shattering along with my heart. //I know you had to go away I died just a little, and I feel it now You're the one I need I believe that I would cry just a little Just to have you back now Here with me Here with me// //And I'm asking And I'm wanting you to come back to me Please?// I sit down at my desk and open my drawer, pulling out a sheet of paper and a pen. I pull out an envelope as well. I scrawl out his Los Angeles office address that I know by heart. Time to get these weights off my chest... Dear Angel, I thought of you again today. I always do when I watch the sunset. It reminds me that it used to be our time. The night was our own little world to us. What happened to us, Angel? What brought on your little epiphany where you decided that you got to control my life by saying and thinking that I need a normal life? I'll never have one, ya know? Willow has tried to get me to go on dates with "normal" guys, but I don't feel anything when I'm with them. Not like I ever did with you. You ruined me for anyone else, did you know that? I almost called you yesterday. I picked up the phone and dialed your new Los Angeles number. All I wanted was to just talk to you, tell you about my day at school, and tell you all the funny things Willow and Xander did that day like we used to... all I wanted was to just hear your voice, Angel. But then I'd end up begging you to come back to me and start blubbering like I always do when I think about you... about us. I don't look well anymore. Lack of proper nurishment and sleep might have something to do with that. I looked in the mirror this morning and realized I'm not beautiful anymore. I have dark circles under my eyes, which now seem to be changing to a dark shade of gray. My hair doesn't shine anymore. My body is so fragile it could break in a heartbeat. My lips are tiney and dry. I hope I still am beautiful to you... I always was in your eyes wasn't I? I heard a song today that reminded me of you. Seems like I hear a different one each day. I can't breathe without you anymore, Angel. I close my eyes and all I see is you walking away through that smoke. It's been 3 months and 6 days since you left. I really can't deal with this anymore. I've tried, I really have. I tried for my family. I tried for my friends. I tried for me and I tried for you, my Angel. I still can't move on. The motions keep getting blocked by memories of you and I. I guess I should confess why I'm really writing this letter in the first place. I'm saying goodbye for good. I wanted to tell you everything that I've felt and thought about you these past long and agonizing months. I'm sure Willow will come and deliver the news that I'm gone. She always is good with that whole "Bearer of the bad news" gig. I want your to have my Claddagh ring back. You don't love me anymore. If you did you'd still be here, holding me, telling me that everything will be alright. Besides, you can't love someone if they're already dead, right? So goodbye, my Angel. I will treasure every second I had with you. My last glimpse of this life will be of you. My last thought will be of you. The last word say will be your name. I will be with you some other time... some other place. If soulmates are the definition of love that can never be lost, then I know someday you'll find me again. I'll love you my whole life... Always, Buffy //I never will forget that look upon your face How you turned away and left without a trace But I understand that you did what you had to do And I thank you// I walk down stairs, out the door, and to the mailbox. I kiss the envelope and place it gently into the box and walk slowly back up the the house, up the stairs, and to my room. As I look down into my hand at the pills in one and the glass of water in the other, I think one more time of him. When we were happy... I was talking with Giles at the prom and he noticed him come in. I turned to see what he was looking at, and there he was. In his tux and everything. Looking as handsome as ever. I walked up to him, we talked, and then he asked me to dance. He pulled me into his strong arms and I was gone for the night. I could have danced all night with him... I swallow the pills and instantly feel the hot poison surge strait through my blood stream to my heart. I take one last breath and whisper your name as I fall to the floor. I hear the glass break as it hits the floor beside me. I close my eyes and I see your face... and I smile one last time. //And I'm asking And I'm wanting you to come back to me Please?// //I know you had to go away I died just a little, and I feel it now You're the one I need I believe that I would cry just a little Just to have you back now Here with me Here with me// * Fin * |