It’s been a month or three since the anniversary of our split went public and needless to say, things have been peachy for me. I’ve had extreme success in a world I was afraid to venture into at first, afraid that I would be rejected because of my race.
And let’s be frank about it. If she and I were still together leading up to this point, I can’t honestly tell you that I’m sure I would be where I am now as a solo artist. I have respect from a different culture, a different view. A culture I was told never to fully embrace, just teeter on the edge. Toy with my image just enough to gain exceptance.
A random blonde on my arm is leading me to my car. I feel my feet walking, I see myself walking, yet I have no idea how I got here. I’m looking back at the club we just exited. She does anything but throw me in the car, impatiently awaiting our arrival of my hotel room. I'm just another celebrity conquest to her.
The alcohol flowing through my veins masquerades my true thoughts and feelings. I know I’m wasted and that I am very near to passing out. So why isn’t anyone doing anything? Why am I not being ushered back into the club where my friends are? Why am I not home?
A thought occurs to me that even the alcohol can’t disguise.
I am at the club alone. I have no one to usher me back inside where I am safe from my personal demons. I have no one to tell me to stop this lifestyle that will either make me or break me. I haven’t had anyone for over a year now to be my shield. I’m solo. I’m what I've wanted to be for so long. I’m everyone’s dream man. Someone had to pay a price for the dream. I never thought it would be me.
I know that this blonde sitting next to me in the plush leather car seat is only a distraction. No matter her true intentions, she gives me permission to leave my world behind for a moment. She is my excuse, my key to becoming an under cover Casanova. I am a player at night and a talented musician by day.
Inside I’m crying. I’m struggling to break free from the devil’s grasp. I want her to leave. I want everyone to leave. I want to feel loved again. I want to return to my past and correct all of the errors in my sentences of life. I want her to be with me again.
But on the outside my wants are invisible. My tears are invisible along with my desperation, my loneliness, and my regret. Why have I done the things I’ve done? Why can’t this spell be broken? Another group of questions that will remain unanswered. I have an idea! Why don’t I ask Britney?
“Timberlake, get a grip on yourself. You live a new life now. A new chance has been given to you. You should be thankful. You should thank the alcohol and the sluts. They’re part of your career now. They match the record executives and the producers. They match the other lonely artist out there. And sooner or later, you’ll understand. You’ll be rich and still famous. You’ll have your star on the Walk Of Fame. If you were with her, you would never be where you are. Admit it. She held you back just like those other four losers.
Forget her. You obviously meant nothing to her or else she wouldn’t have broken up with you. She ended things with you. Remember those words, and the next time you go to blame yourself, think of her. Think of how your heart felt after she ripped it apart into microscopic pieces. After she had pretended to love you and told you a lie. She told you that she still loved you, but you had changed. You changed all right, for the better.
And don't forget Wade. How could you let that slip your mind? The scar he carved into your heart when you saw him smile at her. You knew that look, it was just like the one you gave to her. That bastard claimed to be your friend. For all you know he could've been her lover. You don't need him, you don't need anyone.
And you hear these words everyday my friend. You probably will for the rest of your life. Those are the words your friends and co-workers tell you. So they can’t be all wrong, right? Professionals are always right. That's why you surrounded yourself with them. You will learn from them. They will mold you into a star just like they've done for so many others.
So don’t cry my dear friend, just drink your beers and fuck your many women. Life will be good for you for a very long time. You have true talent and when you play it right, it can lead to true happiness.”
The evil little voice inside myself repeats his speech to me, the one he tells me every day and night to prepare for what is yet to come. But in the end, I’m left facing the same unanswered questions.