Ever since Dan took a trip to his grandparents in Maryland (as well as me frequenting Robin Hood paintball just over the border), The Nick has found it necessary to make a few forays into our neighboring state.

   It's scary down there.

   I took Rt. 40 through Elkton, Havre de Grace, Aberdeen, through those areas.  Entering Maryland is an experience that both mystifies and terrifies my very soul.

   The first thing I noticed was the road changing from right beneath me.  The mostly flat expanses of highway suddenly began dipping and rising, sometimes going up and down hundreds of feet.  Route 40 had about two curves the entire time.  It was all straight the whole time.  Looking ahead, the only things I saw on the road were used car lots, car repair shops, and junkyards.  Truly an automotive circle of life.

   What really bothered me was the two-lane "highway" that just kept going and going.  I wanted to go fast on it, the road seeming like a highway, but there were an abnormal number of stoplights along it.  Speaking of lights, something you only see in Maryland is a flashing yellow light warning you of a stoplight ahead.  Frankly, this mystifies me.  A stoplight is supposed to regulate traffic.  I can understand putting up a flashing yellow light to warn me that there is a stoplight (and a potential stop) ahead if there's a sharp turn or steep incline, something that would prevent my line of vision from seeing this important light.  BUT what is the purpose of this light when I can clearly and obviously see the stoplight from the flashing light!?  That's so redundant!  A light to warn me about another light?  That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

   My other 'favorite' traffic redundancy that I see a lot in Maryland is a sign on lights saying "Left turn on green (light) must yield."  It's a sign warning you that when you have a green light to proceed straight but NO light (neither red light nor green arrow) to make a left, you are allowed to make a left turn but you must yield to oncoming traffic first.  I don't know about you, but this is a commonplace practice amongst drivers.  Why warn me about something that is a common and accepted driving law?  Only in Maryland!  Next I'll be seeing signs preceding stop signs along the lines of "All cars must stop at Stop signs" or something equally redundant.

   Speaking of bad traffic, the roads seemed a bit tighter once I got to the city and off the open road.  Now, in Delaware, we need to keep our roads tight.  We need all the space we can get.  But come on, Maryland is bigger.  To make roads that small is just being stingy.  I shouldn't have to worry about hitting some truck and losing my rear view mirrors (or worse) just because my car takes up 11/12 of the lane.

   My favorite sight of all time was passing some large bay (I assume it's important and well-known).  There were quite a few stores along the side of the road.  A significant portion of these stores were of the "adult' variety.  My favorite sight was a "Triple XXX ADULT Video Store" located right next to a post office!  That's right, a post office.  Could you imagine going to the post office if it were so close to such a store?  Better yet,  imagine a typical conversation between some of those disgruntled postal employees.

   "Hey, look at this box!  It's for next door."

   "Stop shaking it around."

   "I wonder what's in it.  It feels heavy."

   Frankly, that just disturbs me.  Better yet, could you imagine the owners of the XXX store going to the post office with large boxes ready to mail out?  Now that's disturbing.  In a way, it's almost on par with anthrax.  Just as disgusting, at least.

   Hunters.  Lots of hunters.  I heard more gunshots in one day from hunters than I've heard during shootouts.  The only guy who has ever shot more ammunition and missed was Ryan, and he's getting over that habit.  I swear, if I were in the woods, I'd want to be a deer, because I'm sure some of these hunters took quite a few shots that one day.  I refuse to believe that they bagged that many deer.  I can believe that they missed the first seven shots.  Maybe they missed all eight?  Either way, hunters are scary.  Just because a bullet misses its target doesn't mean it stops.

   And of course, one thing I hate about leaving Delaware is sales tax.  Having lived here during the part of my life where I actually make cash transactions, I'm used to a few fixed concepts.  First off, when I walk into a restaurant and see "coca-cola, 1.09$", I furvently and honestly believe with all my might that if I order a coke, I'm going to have to shell out one dollar and nine cents.  Unfortunately, sales tax is funny.  I ate a quick breakfast at McDonald's once.  I read the sign to myself.

   "Hmm, hash browns.  I like hash browns.  And only 75 cents!  What a deal!"

   So I approached the cashier and ordered me some hash browns.  He rung up the total and I triumphantly handed him 75 cents.

   Silence.

   I met the man's gaze and recognized the look he was giving me.  I knew it well.  The look that I give drive-thru idiots when they hand me insufficient funds.  The look reserved for people who obviously can't count.

   I was confused.  'I gave him the money.  It's only one order.  What's wrong?  Did I order something else?  Did I forget to pay the first time I came up?  Is there a cockroach on my face?  What is wrong!?!?'

   He told me the total.  I was confused.  "But it says 75 cents."

   And then I heard "Plus sales tax."

   Apart from being mortified, I also left my money at the table and didn't have anything else.

   What did I learn?  First off, there's a sales tax.  To me, the very concept of sales tax is a cheap ripoff.  It's downright unethical.  You come up to some poor, unassuming young'n like myself and says one total when you really mean a totally different total that unerringly is higher than the previous total.  I know how it works, but there seems something just wrong about that system.

   What is it about Maryland that makes me want to giggle?  There's an Bar Harbor Trailor Park ("Bar some name Trailor Park, at least; I forget what exactly).  WHY would you name your Trailor Park anything with the word "Bar" in it?  That seems self-degrading, somehow, having a trailor park with the word 'bar' in it.

   Here's a joke, though (hey, they started it): What do 13 year old trailor trash girls say when they lose their virginity?

   "Daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes!!"

   Sorry.  I'll not say another word.  However, the good folks at eightball magazine have lots to say about trailor parks!  Click here for a full summary.

   What's sad is that this stuff is true.  I'm scared whenever I cross that border.
 

   However, not all is bad in Maryland.  I saw two Roy Rogers.  I haven't seen a Roy Rogers since I was veyr young.  I have fond memories of Roy Rogers (the restaurant, not the western actor by the same name).  My grandmother used to take me there all the time when I was young.  They also have horseradish. Horseradish is the best condiment ever!  It rivals pepper and is definitely better for your fries than ketchup.  If you wanted to make me happy, get me horseradish.  A true friend would get me horseradish!

   More to come, as more is experienced/remembered.