So apparently this is not about making illegal copies of Jamaican porno tapes.
In the hopes of getting back his mutinied ship, famed pirate Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) helps a young blacksmith of pirate descent named Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) rescue a governor’s daughter, Elizabeth (Keira Knightley), from the evil pirate Barbosa (Geoffrey Rush). It would seem Barbosa and his crew are suffering from an Aztec curse that makes them the living dead and they need a piece of treasure which Elizabeth possesses to set them free. This adventure is reluctantly pursued by Elizabeth’s father (Jonathan Pryce) and the commodore to whom she is to be married (Jack Davenport). Much swashbuckling ensues.
Most adventure stories are bogged down with clichés of blue collar males pining for royal nookie that’s been set aside for some elitist and all it takes is a series of implausible displays of physical skill to turn tradition on its head. And there’s little to be said about pirates that hasn’t already been said, even with frail attempts to dignify them with some sort of thieves’ moral code, whatever that means. And the fact that this film can’t even boast to be based on a video game, combined with the Pentagon’s Jerry Bruckheimer producing it for Disney, puts it under a curse right from the outset.
However, there’s no denying that Johnny Depp’s absurdist performance as Jack Sparrow is immensely entertaining. Yes, it’s basically just him looking and being silly, but it really is a lot of fun and totally worth watching. His nemesis, played by the brilliant Geoffrey Rush, is sadly given little to do and one can’t help but wonder if his inability to invoke fear is merely a product of a PG-13 rating. Orlando Bloom basically reprises his projectile-throwing character from Lord of the Rings, but does it just fine. Keira Knightley is indeed enchanting as the ridiculously knowledgeable and athletic governor’s daughter. Some cute supporting roles keep the pace up, including Mackenzie Crook of the BBC’s brilliant show, The Office, as a one-eyed lowly pirate.
But at nearly two and a half hours, The Ring’s Gore Verbinski takes us on a journey that eventually leaves you feeling stranded, with little to be surprised by and even less to be afraid of. Part of the problem is one many noticed in The Matrix Reloaded, which is that invincible foes do not leave much at stake. All the fighting sequences are well choreographed, but come off like pieces of musical theater instead of exciting and dangerous conflict.
Set design is certainly up to par and special effects are thrilling enough, but were it not for Depp’s wonderfully amusing impression of Keith Richards, this film would be completely forgettable. So I guess you could say it’s the best movie based on a ride at Disneyland I’ve ever seen. B-
