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| A MESSAGE FROM THE INFERNAL SPAWN OF EVIL |
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| My fellow Americans... |
| I understand that this is a time of uncertainty, a time of chaos, and a time you might be wondering what I am doing here. I, your president, will try to answer as many of your questions as I can while still avoiding the actual questions. For those of you wondering about your previous president, George W. Bush, I assure you, we have taken all necessary measures to make sure he never returns to Earth- erm, I mean, the United States, again. Now, about the question, is it ethical to bombard FBI, CIA, military, and Congressional computers with irreversible virus programs, causing a 3-day crash of the entire U.S. network while I take steps to blackmail high-ranking officials, bribe diplomats, and suspend habeus corpus while locking up non- conspirators in a desparate bid to become president, I believe we have only taken steps that would be permittable under the circumstances. I would like to ask you what the definition of "is" is. That seems to be far more acceptable content for my State of the Unio- or State of the--- my speech to the nation, whatever you call it. We couldn't risk exposing information by talking about the "issues." Some are spreading rumors on the, uhh, Internets, that I have misunderestimated the strength of the resistance forces. I believe that we will be defeating resisting military units and restoring order in a matter of days. I plan to win this war without using nukyoolar weapons. I don't believe that nukyoolar weapons would make the pie higher for anyone, especially not you, the American people. Others accuse me of not having a plan for my administration. But I DO HAVE A PLAN! My plan starts by finding everyplace to help where someone's in need and helping them while cameramen take pictures and publish them in newspapers. Then I will spread lies and deception about people who oppose me, and back them with all the money I can take from the national treasury. THERE'S MY PLAN! I actually had another plan. But that plan failed. The main reason for the failure was that I voted for the plan before I voted against it. Now, here is a comprehensive look at the accomplishments of a great, honorable, righteous- well, here's some pictures of me. This is me with Green Day touring in California. Billie Joe called me one day and said he needed me to play for the making of American Idiot. Here's me on the grassy knoll. How exciting to be in Dallas! It's a wonderful city. Oh look, it's me delivering toys on Christmas! Which reminds me, Christmas is only a month away. |
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| MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!! |