This is a story about a guy called Moritz Terlauski. Anyway it all started a few hours before our train left back home to Wellington. Having spent all our money the cheapest dinner would have to be fish and chips. We searched for hours in vain but we finally came across a place called "Brucies". We walked up to the counter and there was a strange man standing there staring at us, he looked like some-one from the hills of Wainui not someone that would live in the Auckland CBD, sunken back eyes with one facing at an "awkward" angle, a funny "Brucies' Cap on, he looked like a 35 year old kid. So I walked up to him and was about to order my meal when the strange creature decided to have a bit of privacy out the back. We could see him standing there leaning over a table, I gave Moe a look as to say "what's going on here?" but eventually he returned to the counter. In the mean time I had noticed posters all over the walls with strange obviously false stories, of a number of rock bands that had visited. Because it is the only place open 24hrs, 7 days, 365 days, when bands finish their gigs, obviously needing something to eat, "Brucies' is the only option. Stated on the posters was that U2, UB40, Slayer and a funny sounding unheard of band by the name of "Incognito", all had dined in at Brucies. Also stories about each individual Brucie burger create date and ingredients, not to forget a poster about Brucies special hot chilli sauce, and Brucies Bouncer toastie? Were all covering the walls. When he finally decided to come out he questioned me with "How can I help", "2 fish and 2 chips" was my reply, "That"s 2 pieces of fish you mean", "Yeah", he was obviously troubled. A queue had started to form behind me but Brucie appeared to stay calm, going out the back and staying there for at least 5 mins, we could see him like bending over something out the back, and we couldn?t hear the usual reasonably loud sound of a deep fry, but somehow he managed to cook up our food? and he brought it back to the counter where he finally took the next person in lines order. 2 fish and 2 chips was what I ordered but 3 fish and 2 chips was what I got. We sat down and started to eat. I happened to notice that the 2 scoops of chips were actually in 2 small cups in a bag, in a bigger bag, and the fish looked "out of order". But being very hungry we had to eat it, the chips were covered in so much salt that the first one I picked up slid out of my grasp, not to mention that I could still hear the oil sizzling (really), and the fish happened to be disgusting.  A few of Brucies patrons had left because he would not serve them, but the couple that was behind me eventually got their meal. The lady went up to the counter and said "Do you have any Tomato sauce", Brucie quietly but politely replied "Salt  & Vinegar", and I had to laugh out loud, as he sounded so stupid. Old 40"s jazz was playing but with a jukebox near Moe was keen to play his favourite Ricky Martin song "Shake your bon bon" thereby cutting out the music Brucie was listening to, he did not look too impressed. Finishing our "meal" we decided to head to the train station, which was about ½ and hour away so we'd have plenty of time to get their, this is when the story starts. Peacefully walking on a nice summer's night, we both sort of started getting slightly crook guts, it was to get worse. Walking there Moe was saying come on man, I've gotta go eh, I should jump in this bush, but  was telling him that we would only be like 5mins at the most because we could see it in the distance and I was feeling the same. We happened to be walking the same way as someone with a backpack so we thought that they'd be going there aswell, but after following them for about 10mins we realised that we'd have to turn around. So we cut through a construction site but alas, I turned around to hear Moe tell me, oh man, It's too late, the poor cunt had shat himself. Wondering what the hell he could do he decided to take a seat in near a carpark, which happened to be filled with Asians all sitting and standing around their flash cars.  After about 3 days of eating nothing and I mean nothing but kebabs and drinking only beer, I could smell Moe from atleast 10-15 metres away, and it was foul. I kept my distance while laughing as loud as I could but trying to stop myself in front of all these Asians. Moe was wearing shorts and I noticed that piles of yellow crap were making there way down the side of his legs, as he was yelling obscenities at the Asians as he was trying to get changed. He took off his shorts and undies infront of an audience, and put on his jeans sitting down. But because he is such a tight cheap cunt he decided that even though he shat his shorts he would like to keep them because they are worth $25, but he was really angry that he had to leave behind his $5 undies. So he took them off and wiped his ass with another pair of undies, $5 more this "experience" had cost him, not to mention the shame of the whole incident. Thinking of what he could do while trying to stop laughing I had to think of something to do as I would have to sit next to him for the next 10 hours.  We were pretty close to a pond so that was his only option, with another audience of mother and child watching he stripped his jeans off and sat in the shallows. Needing something to clean himself with I pulled out my roll-on as it was all we had between us. Squeezing as hard as I could the ball burst out at 100km/h just past his head, and a little deodorant landed right on the rock next to him, instinctively he rubbed his hand on it and starting scrubbing his ass like never before. Putting back on his jeans he decided that he needed a proper clean up. Stinking of crap I couldn"t stop mentioning that he's not sitting next to me on the way home, unless he cleans himself up properly because he stunk, but Moe assured me, "It's not me that smells now, IT MUST BE SOMETHING ELSE". Whatever mate, Yeah right not you eh. So we walked into the train station with people giving him funny looks the whole way.  The handicapped toilet was where Moe would clean himself up, and he did, but not only did me manage to stink out the toilet he stunk out the whole information centre aswell. Our train left soon, but Moe still wanted to keep his "cleaned up" shorts, but it was only him that couldn"t smell it, everyone that walked past gave him a funny look, Moe thought that he'd use reverse psychology, every 10 mins kept on making the statement "ooowww, What's that smell", getting sick of this childish behaviour, I finally had to say out loud to the read faced liar "Remember you shat yourself,  maaaate". A lesson inflicted on poor Moe by the evil owner Brucie. Moral of the Story: Don't upset Brucie when you are dining at his fine hang out or you'll pay the price.
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