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The time was yesterday lunch time The place was the Victoria University quad. A Commerce lecturer who didn't want to be named (his name rhymes with Gon Waywood), was walking through the quad with his briefcase in his hand when someone approached him. "He came up to me and said that Rogernomics was the best thing since raisin bread, so I told him to f**k off. Then he got angry and pushed me" the lecturer said to us with his working class English accent. The man who started to push the lecturer was dressed as Elvis as to disguise himself. The lecturer then placed his briefcase, which contained a pickled olive sandwich, on the ground behind him. "I put it on the ground so it wouldn't get in the way if I had to kick his ass." The pushing continued for at least another 10 seconds before the lecturer pushed back. "He kept pushing me so I pushed him back. He then hit me over the head with a black 12 inch rubber dildo he pulled from his pocket which knocked me to the ground. I was then so angry I attacked the Elvis with my ruler by poking him in the ribs, then when he was down, I poked him in the eyes."
The fight continued for roughly another 60 seconds, and when it was over, the lecturer's sandwich was gone. "I turned around and my briefcase was open, missing one pickled olive sandwich. I was f**ken gutted." One eyewitness who saw the incident unfold said that "There was a third person involved who stole the sandwich while the lecturer was being distracted. They must have been working in pairs, like Raptors. I would have chased the sandwich stealer, but I was eating my lunch, and I thought that if I left my lunch behind someone might steal it." The eyewitness described the sandwich stealer as being a topless male who was just wearing hot pants, white socks with jandals. "The jandals were blue" said the eyewitness. Another witness said the sandwich stealer had a big moustache, a class 'a' mullet and porn star smooth chest. I asked the hurting lecturer if his beating up of the Elvis impersonator was justified. "They stole my sandwich, of course it was f**ken justified. I still have the dildo mark on my forehead. Can you see the big vein imprint?" I could. |
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