Paradise Lost

Naoe Nagi's tears of sadness had burned away in the sunshine of the park
and he reverted to his usual melancholy, but courageous self. He always
hurt inside, but he never showed it to anyone. There was no point in
doing that. It was a sign of weakness; Schuldip-san had taught him that.
It couldn't change the future; Crawford-san had taught him that.
Suffering is inevitable; Farfarello-san had taught him that. Besides,
pain that is constant ceases to be pain any more, but the norm. But
today, there was more pain than usual and Nagi put his back up against
the Wall around his heart for support. He would always be fine if he
didn't let anything in and if he didn't let anything out... He couldn't
afford to give a part of himself away... 

The boy sat by himself, removed from the rest of the quiet bustle of the
park and held the slice of cake on his skinny knees, fork held
motionless in his hand. A few chubby pigeons gathered at his feet,
cooing sweetly for a handout. "Sorry, birdies... My friends made this
cake for me so you can't have any. It's my birthday, didn't you know?"
The birds didn't care, but fluttered and cooed inquisitively. Nagi's
smile at the pigeons was sad as always as he took a small bite. The
moist, chocolate dessert tasted like dust in his mouth and he choked.
The boy's reflexive manners forbid him to spit the mouthful out, and he
forced himself to swallow. A tear ran down the bridge of his slender
nose, off to one side, rolled elegantly down over the hill of his thin
upper lip until the drop of saline had wet his lips. Nagi licked his own
tear away and the salt of sorrow tasted better than the chocolate treat.
He was so used to the tears, his face didn't change expression at all
any more and he kept his permanently bittersweet expression on his face.
 
"Maybe..." his gentle voice whispered soothingly, "Maybe this would do
you all more good than it would me..." Nagi stood up from the bench
letting his plate clatter to ground, spilling cake on the ground next to
his feet. The food was too close to the human and the birds hung back
warily, not daring to get close enough to eat, but too tempted by the
sight to leave. "You don't want that piece?" Nagi asked them earnestly,
"Don't worry! There's plenty more..." Without letting himself think
about it first Nagi picked up the rest of the cake and thrust his hand
into it, drawing out a fistful of pastry which he then threw into the
breeze which served the birds their supper. He watched them eat the
handout with relish and allowed himself one of his rare smiles. "Pretty
good, ne?" Nagi made polite conversation while the pigeons dined, "It
must be nice to be a bird and not care about birthdays or loneliness..."
 
"Don't be shy... Make sure everyone gets some..." Nagi encouraged them,
scattering crumbs to the overweight birds. Despite the depressing
earlier events of the day, Nagi felt his spirits lift in spite of
himself. And then the pain stabbed him like a knife. 

White hot energy ripped through his frail body and his powers surged out
of control, searing his every nerve. "Augk!" he choked in agony as the
flare burst out of him. The telekinetic burst sent everything within a
ten-foot radius flying away form him, but the rising cloud of panicked
pigeons masked the unusual phenomenon. 

Nagi felt his body collapse to the ground, the pain of the impact with
the ground was unnoticeable compared to the pain of his TK flare. As
Nagi's vision grayed, then blacked out momentarily, he cursed himself
for being so careless. Having such awesome powers as his didn't come
without a price. Nagi's power built up constantly night and day and if
he went too long without expending any of the stored energy, he would
overload and his powers would burst out, unbidden, damaging him and
moving things at random in his vicinity. Nagi was usually very
conscientious to occasionally lift something heavy or discharge excess
energy into the ground to keep his powers in check, but he'd been
letting his build up especially long these last few days so he'd have
the immense amount of energy needed for a special feat he wanted to
perform to impress Tot. But he never got the chance to show her and his
powers had overloaded when he forgot to release them. 

His powers were also what kept him so alarmingly thin. The great energy
it took to fuel them was constantly burning calories in huge quantities
and he had to force himself to gorge on food just to maintain his
insubstantial body weight, even though he couldn't help but usually lose
weight. 

To make matters worse, he had probably just shortened his life-span by a
few months. The awesome powers he wielded also had doomed the boy to die
young. When Nagi had first joined Shwartz, his control over his powers
was poor, the backlash hit him several times a day since he couldn't
find the proper outlet for them. Substantial strain and tissue damage
had caused doctors to predict he would die by age 20 at that rate of
deterioration. Now, with his more advanced control over his powers, he'd
slowed the damage progression to the point that his maximum
life-expectancy had reached 30 years. If he was lucky. Unless he could
hone his skills further to the point that he would stop the damage all
together and increase his life-expectancy even more. But that wasn't
likely if he kept making stupid mistakes as he just had. 

/There goes another few months of life.../ he thought to himself, his
eyes gently shut and hands clasped around his slim chest. /I wonder if
I'll miss it.../ As the pain subsided and his hearing and vision
returned, his ears were met with words he seldom heard in his life. 

"Are you all right?! Hey, what's wrong?" 

Nagi opened his large eyes in surprise and saw the concerned face of a
young boy about his age bent over him, studying his features worriedly.
The way the stranger was back lit by the sun, it almost looked like
there was a halo around his head. /An angel of mercy.../ Nagi thought
disjointedly. 

Omi puffed a sigh of relief when the other boy blinked his wide cerulean
eyes open. As the thick dark lashes parted and the eyes focused,
confused, Omi clasped the boy's hand with his own and braced himself to
help the stranger sit up. "Thank God! What happened to you back there?
...Are you all right?" Omi blurted out in concern. 

The other boy just squinted up at him against the bright light, studying
Omi's face as if in a dream, then he suddenly seemed to snap out of it
and clasped Omi's hand with his own feeble grip to help himself up. "I'm
fine now... Thank you..." the stranger said softly. 

Omi was instantly surprised by how light the other boy was. Even
hoisting most of the young man's body weight so he could sit up, the boy
weighed next to nothing. Omi would not have been able to guess the boy's
insubstantial weight by looking at him. His body was concealed by a
fuzzy oversized, baby powder blue sweater with a white snowflake design
on it in the middle and perfectly-pressed wrinkle-resistant white pants.
He seemed to be dressed very warmly for the weather next to Omi in his
shorts and tee-shirt, but the boy's fair skin wasn't broken out in a
sweat and the cool, calm eyes seemed perfectly comfortable. Only the
young man's delicate, almost effeminate hands and face gave away his
slender build. The flawless hands with long fingers were still wrapped
around Omi's and the beautiful face looked tranquil but somehow... sad.
The boy looked like a lost soul who had long since given up on finding
its way home. There was a hopelessness and emptiness there and for a
moment Omi was dazed and entranced by those haunting eyes until he
blinked and shook his head against the almost hypnotic effect. 

"Are you sure you're all right? Do you need a doctor?" Omi inquired, his
concern returning anew at the sight of those mournful eyes. 

The stranger put a small smile on his face, which instead of cheering
his countenance somehow made it look even more despairing. "I'll be all
right, really. I just..." he seemed to be searching for the words, "I'm
anemic and had a dizzy spell, that's all... But thank you." 

Omi noticed that the boy never looked him in the eye as he spoke and
there was an awkward silence, so the boy put hand out in greeting.
"Well, I'm glad you're okay. I'm Tsukiyono Omi. Do you go to my school?
I don't remember seeing you..." 

The other boy shook his head and curled his fingers around Omi's
enthusiastic hand, shaking it timidly. "I'm Naoe Nagi. I have a private
tutor so I don't go to school." 

There was another silence and Omi watched as the boy turned his face
away shyly. The poor kid seemed really nervous around strangers and Omi
wondered how he could ever meet new friends if he was tutored at home.
Even though Naoe Nagi seemed too shy to want to say anything more, Omi
decided that it wouldn't hurt to keep him company a little longer. His
eyes fell to the cake which was strewn across the lawn. 

"I have to ask," Omi continued brightly, "What's with the cake? Is it
your birthday?" 

Nagi nodded. 

"Happy birthday, then!" Omi flashed his heartwarming smile. 

Nagi sat silently as if ignoring Omi's well-wishing. The young Weiß
assassin had just decided that Nagi wasn't ever going to reply, when the
dark-haired boy met Omi's deep blue eyes with his own. 

"You're the first person to say that to me all day," the gentle voice
said softly. 

"Oh... You didn't get anything?" Omi said, sympathetically. 

Nagi thought about it for a minute. "A friend of mine punched me
playfully in the arm this morning..." 

"Oh, 'cause he remembered your birthday?" Omi asked. 

Nagi's smile suddenly looked genuinely amused instead of sad, and the
boy's face was lit brilliantly by the sweet bright smile. "Actually..."
Nagi said, chuckling to himself, "I don't think he did..." 

It was probably just because of the tension of the moment, but the
thought struck them both as hilarious somehow and the two of them
laughed until tears formed in the corners of their eyes. Nagi leaned
against Omi's shoulder, cradling his own chest as he laughed until his
sides hurt. 

"Where'd you get the cake then? And why did you decide it was better off
as bird seed?" Omi asked when he caught his breath, wiping the corners
of his eyes with the side of his hand. 

Nagi's face paled, then blushed in embarrassment. "I made it myself... I
knew no one would remember and I wanted to impress this girl I liked, so
I baked it this morning and brought it over to her. I said it was my
birthday and told her that my friends had made the cake for me and asked
if she wanted to share some with me... She asked why I brought it over
to her instead of eating it with my friends if they were the ones who
gave it to me... So I told her--" 

Nagi's sweet blush deepened to a cherry red color, "I told her I liked
her. That didn't go over too well, though, and I ended up here." The two
boys sat in silence side by side for a while without saying anything
before Nagi finished, "You know what the really sad part is? ...I don't
even like chocolate. I intentionally made a flavor I don't really care
for just so it would seem more believable that someone else made it for
me. Is that sad or what?" The dark-haired boy sighed and looked out to
the horizon as if he saw his dreams there. 

Omi sat in silence, his mind desperately trying to conjure something
comforting or uplifting to say, but the mention of a rejected confession
of love reminded him of his own experience from the night before.
["Don't misunderstand me." "Just leave.] That's what Aya had said. To
his chagrin, Omi felt the tears welling in his eyes at the memory of
Aya's grim face and heartless words. The memory was too vivid in his
mind... Omi cursed himself for being so emotional and was trying to
think of something to say to conceal his grief by changing the subject,
when Nagi spoke up again. 

"I've changed my mind about her since, though..." the boy's soft voice
continued, his dark eyelashes lowered to the ground. He picked at a
blade of grass distractedly as he spoke. "I really thought I loved that
girl for the longest time. I made myself see similarities between us
that weren't there... just to fool myself into believing she could be
the one to take my loneliness away. But even this morning, I just told
her that I 'liked' her, not 'loved' her because deep inside I knew I
didn't. I've never felt it before, but I'm sure if I was ever truly in
love, I would be able to tell, I would *know* that this is the person
for me and no other..." His wide blue eyes looked distant for a while as
he watched a cloud moving slowly across the sky in a breeze which
rustled the two boys' hair. 

Omi watched Nagi thoughtfully, his forming tears gone, and listened to
the words intently. Somehow this boy who claimed to have no knowledge of
love at all had described Omi's feeling perfectly. Omi knew deep down
that Aya was the one for him. It was an indescribable feeling, but he
knew that it was love... It was just a shame that Aya was disgraced by
the thought. Nagi chuckled lowly to himself. "Sorry," he said his subtle
sad smile returning, "I obviously have no idea what I'm talking about
and I have no idea why I'm even telling you this. Sorry..." 

"No; no!" Omi said emphatically, "It makes perfect sense! I agree..."
Omi looked at the uneaten cake on the ground, the plate the cake had
been on was broken in half from the drop and he was painfully reminded
of his moment of bliss with Aya which all started with broken glass.
"But... Nagi-san..." Omi asked shyly, "What are you supposed to do if
you think you've found that one person who's meant for you and you've
decided for sure that it's love... But that person doesn't love you,
too. What if they reject you?" 

Nagi thought about it for a long time, plucking a new blade of grass to
fiddle with as he spoke. "I don't know... I wish I could tell you but I
can't even guess. That would probably be the worst thing I can think
of." Omi lowered his head in silent agreement. "I was turned away just
today," Nagi continued, "But it really wasn't so bad. I'm glad, really,
since now I can finally admit to myself that she and I didn't have all
that in common that I wanted to see. I don't know why I should complain
to you. Just feeling sorry for myself, I guess." He shrugged his slim
shoulders. 

Omi couldn't bring himself to bring up his problems with Aya, but
talking things out with this boy really made him feel better. It was
great to have someone to talk to about serious things like that. It was
too embarrassing to talk about that stuff with the other Weiß men and
for some reason no one at school seemed to really understand him. Omi
felt comfortable with this new friend and was sorry they didn't go to
school together. "I'm sorry you had such a crummy birthday," Omi said
honestly, "Why don't you ask your parents to take you out to dinner or
something?" 

For some reason, Nagi smiled at that. He glanced at Omi and explained,
"I don't have any... My parents died a long time ago." 

Omi widened his eyes and his mouth fell open. "Really...? I don't have
any either." Nagi gave him a mistrusting glance for a moment, sure that
he must be mocking him somehow since it was too much of a coincidence.
"I'm serious! I didn't know anyone else my age without parents until
now. I live at the flower shop where I work with some room mates and a
nice old woman" 

"I live with my tutors that I mentioned before and work for them, too.
Kind of an apprenticeship thing really. It's hard to get out and meet
any friends when you live like that though. It's kind of a demanding
job..." 

Omi nodded his agreement and both boys sat back in silence for a moment,
reflecting on how they secretly lived, both wondering what the other
would say if he knew the truth. "What do you do for fun?" Omi asked. 

Nagi shrugged. "I don't get to get out much, so I spend most of my time
on-line. I know it's pathetic, but..." 

Omi laughed. "Me too! Don't worry; I don't think it's dorky. That's
pretty much all I do for fun either. Even one of my friends teases me
about it sometimes," he added thinking of Yohji. 

Nagi gave another quiet giggle, "Me, too," he said, thinking of
Schuldip. 

Omi gave a sigh of contentment, his worries momentarily forgotten with
the discovery of a kindred spirit. "What are the odds, y'know?" he said
beaming, "Both of us like the same things, we both lost our parents, we
have similar lifestyles what with living with friends who we work
with... Next thing, you'll tell me you like anime and Playstation games,
like I do..." 

"Me? Never!," Nagi said sarcastically with a smile, "I _only_ spend
*every dollar* I have on that kinda stuff!" Omi noticed the change in
the boy was almost completely different from the doleful soul he'd first
encountered. The boy who had once seemed so waifish and alone was now
smiling earnestly, and talking excitedly to his new friend. Omi was glad
he could cheer Nagi up, and the boy's soft, but wise words about love as
well as the things they had in common had put Omi into a dramatically
better mood. 

The two boys just enjoyed the happy moment in silence for a while. Omi
noticed that Nagi was looking at him with a somewhat unusual expression
on his face, but attributed the strangeness to the fact that the boy
probably hadn't just relaxed and enjoyed himself like this in a long
time. He seemed like the type who didn't have many friends. 

"Hey, Omi-san..." Nagi began quietly. His gentle voice was even more
withdrawn than usual and his expression seemed pretty serious after just
having been laughing. "Can I tell you something?" 

"Sure; whatever you want," Omi replied, his sweet smile flashing
brightly. 

Nagi didn't return the smile, but his face said that it was something
important he wanted to say. "I'm serious... I wanted to tell you that
I--" 

"*Faggots*!" a grating voice called out loudly. Two scruffy older boys
strode up to the friends from around the corner of the path and leered
at them crudely. "Hey, Tsukiyono, ya little puss. I always knew you were
a little queer, but this is just nasty!" 

Omi narrowed his eyes. The two punks were from his high school and were
always teasing him in gym class. They called him gay as if it were an
insult all the time, even though they didn't actually have any idea that
Omi was in love with a man. 

"Yeah," the older boy's crony agreed nastily, "Why don't you homos save
it for some place less public?" 

Nagi blushed furiously and tried to look as small and submissive as
possible, hoping they would just go away. All his feelings of openness
toward being more outgoing died as quickly as they were born, and he
felt himself returning back to his emotional shell, putting the Wall
back around his heart so the boys' harsh words couldn't hurt him. He
noticed that Omi was just looking angry, though. The corner of his jaw
bulged as he grit his teeth in anger, holding back. 

"Hey, why don't you shut up and keep walking?" Omi snarled angrily. 

Nagi's eyes widened in horror. /Don't provoke them!!/ he thought
frantically, /It'll just make things worse!/ Nagi felt himself grow
worried at the thought of Omi getting in a fight with them. His fear
only grew when he realized that Omi really wasn't the type who would
ordinarily pick a fight and realized he was probably only doing it to
stick up for Nagi. 

"Oh, a smart ass, huh?" the ruffian said, mockingly. 

"I'd rather be a smart ass than a dumb ass," Omi shot back coldly. 

"WHAT DID YOU SAY??" the guy roared angrily, and seized Omi by the front
of the shirt, yanking him forward. He drew a fist back to deliver a
punch, and Omi stared back, unflinching. 

"Stop." Nagi's calm voice made everyone freeze. "It seems to me like
*you guys* are the ones who should be less affectionate in public..."
was all he said. He felt his powers tingling. 

"Huh?" the guy who was about to strike Omi said dumbly, "What are you
talking abou-Aaaaaah!!" The first thug cried out in shock as he felt his
scruffy friend's hand firmly squeeze his ass. He let go of Omi's shirt
and whirled around to face his friend who was looking equally horrified.
"What the F**K are you doing???" he cried out, the fist now turned on
his buddy. 

"Masaru...! I swear I didn't do it! My hand just moved on its own!!" the
younger thug whined, cringing away from his friend's blow. 

Nagi used his powers again, this time making the Masaru's hand lunge
forward and grab the second guy's crotch. He squawked in shock and anger
and raised his fist, too. "What do you think *you're* doing??" The two
homophobes started punching at each other madly and Nagi and Omi just
stood off to one side watching for a while. 

Nagi's eyes were lowered with a look of quiet amusement on his face
while Omi was slack-jawed. "What was *that* all about?" Omi asked
baffled as they started to walk away. 

Nagi shrugged uncaringly. "I guess they can't accept their own nature,"
he suggested. 

Omi shook his head to himself. "I don't even know why people make such a
big deal about that kinda thing anyway... I think there's someone
perfect for everyone out there and when you find that person it doesn't
matter if they're the opposite gender or your own. Love is more
important than sexuality anyway." Nagi nodded in quiet agreement. "Oh,
crud!!" Omi exclaimed, glancing at his watch for the first time in a
long while, "I'm super late!! I'd better pick some food up for everybody
on the way home so they're not mad... I'm sorry about those guys just
now. I hope that didn't ruin your day." 

Nagi shook his head reassuringly. "No way. I feel so much better after
having met you. Thanks for everything." 

"Hey, what's your E-mail address? I'll write to you later!" Omi
suggested. The two boys exchanged E-Mail addresses quickly and pocketed
the slips of paper. 

"I'm glad we ran into each other. I'll see you around!" Omi called,
waving over his shoulder, "Happy birthday!" 

"Ja ne!" Nagi replied and watched as Omi jogged away down the street.
When the boy was completely out of sight, Nagi found himself missing him
already. He had never known another who could cheer him up like that...
He couldn't remember ever being that happy before... 

Nagi's thoughts were still swimming with images of the energetic
sandy-blonde boy ever since he left. There was a giddy feeling in his
chest and his heart felt as if it were leaping up. Nagi's own words came
back to him... /"I'm sure if I was ever truly in love, I would be able
to tell, I would *know* that this is the person for me and no other..."/
 
/Is that what I'm feeling...? My heart won't slow down and I wish I
could see you again already... Is this the feeling I always knew was
there, but never actually experienced...? It's breathtaking.../ 

Nagi lifted his face to the sky and tightly held the scrap of paper Omi
had written on, his dark brown forelocks teasing his forehead in the
gentle breeze. "Omi... I've found that one person I'm looking for... I
can feel it in my heart," he whispered into the wind. "I... just wanted
to tell you, Omi-kun, that I think I'm in love with you... and I plan to
make you mine." 

Nagi stood reverently watching the spot where Omi had been standing
before he gently slid his hands into his pockets and began to make his
way home.