Uncle Yohji's Book of Love: Schruldig's Book of 'Love'

[Therapist's office. Yohji is sprawled out on the couch,
smoking a cigarette. This time he's alone. ]

Therapist: Tell me, Yohji-san, how have things been going since our
last session?

Yohji: /takes a long drag of his cigarette/

Therapist: Well?

Yohji: Uncle Yohji has felt the consequences of his exploration. He
has an itching... down *there*.

Therapist: No, no, no! I'm not that kind of doctor!

Yohji: Oh. Well. Your loss.

Therapist: I'm sure.

Yohji: Uncle Yogji no longer has a craving for small children.

Therapist: Huh?

Yohji: Omi's been leaving me alone lately. Has a new boyfriend. He
says his name is Ned, but I don't believe him.

Therapist: And how does Omi having a boyfriend make you feel?

Yohji: /shrug/

Therapist: How are things at the shop?

Yohji: Aya and Ken refuse to talk to me anymore. Like, at all.

Therapist: How does this make you feel?

Yohji: Sad.

Therapist: Oh?

Yohji: They're getting some and Uncle Yohji isn't.

Therapist: I see.

Yohji: I hate you.

Therapist: Why is that?

Yohji: You took away Uncle Yohji's lovin'. Uncle Yohji *needs* his
lovin', dammit!

Therapist: I think it's better if you don't.

Yohji: Uncle Yohji's has been forced to pay attention to stuff. Like,
you know, the rest of the world. And let me tell you, the world is a
scary ass place. Something strange happened the other day, and Uncle
Yohji *realized* it was strange. That's just *wrong*.

Therapist: What happened?

Yohji: I'm not going to tell you. You took away my sex.

Therapist: I can't help you if you don't talk to me.

Yohji: /Smokes his cigarette. His hands are shaking./ Uncle Yohji's
never gone this long without lovin'.

Therapist: It's been three days.

Yohji: Oh, man, it's been that long?!?



*** The Other Day ***

[ Setting: The Kitten in the House. Aya is watering the flowers.
Yohji is leaning against the wall and smoking. ]

Yohji: ...That's when I said, 'Hey, bitch, gimmie back my underwear!'
Hey, Aya, are you listening?

Aya: /looks up at the sky/ Lord, why do you allow me to suffer? Is
this some big cosmic joke to you? 'Oh, let's ALL make fun of Aya!' Is
that it?

Ken: /comes down the stairs/ Hey, Aya!

Aya: No sex tonight.

Ken: Wha--? Dammit, Yohji!

Yohji: If Uncle Yohji isn't getting any, no one is.

Omi: /enters with Naoe Nagi/ Hey, guys!

Aya: /stares at Nagi/ You look familiar.

Nagi: No, I don't.

Omi: Oh, this is my new boyfriend, Na -- er, Ned.

Ken: You look kind of young.

Nagi: I'm two years younger, but, well, you know how love is. /pats
Omi on the butt/

Ken: I'm going to pretend I didn't see that.

Aya: You look *really* familiar.

Nagi: No, I don't.

Yohji: /Notices a potted plant has raised in the air and is
spinning./ Oh, man, the lack of lovin' is really getting to me.
/Plant falls, shatters./

Aya: Yohji!

Yohji: It wasn't me!

Ken: Oh, right, like the plant just raised into the air and dropped
itself!

Yohji: Actually, yeah!

/silence/

Yohji: I'll leave now.

Aya: You do that.

Nagi: Come on, Omi, we need to, ah, do our homework. /Significant
Look/

Omi: Uh, yeah, homework. /leaves with Nagi/

Yohji: /watches Omi and Nagi/ Everyone but Uncle Yohji.

Aya: No sex tomorrow night either.

Ken: Dammit!



*** Present ***

Therapist: So the pot just raised itself in the air and fell?

Yohji: Yeah. See what your crazy ideas are doing to me?!? Are you
even really a doctor, or are you just some crazy, anti-sex fiend?!?

Therapist: /writes: 'medication needed'/ Trust me, I'm really a
doctor.

Yohji: That's just what a crazy, anti-sex fiend would say!

Therapist: What happened after you left the store?



*** The Other Day ***

[ Yohji walks across the street. ]

Yohji: Noboooody knows the trooooouble I've seeen... /hears voices/
Ah, someone else isn't getting sweet lovin' tonight either. Hey,
isn't that the car Omi and Nagi came from?

[ inside car ]

Schruldig: I can't believe you forgot.

Brad: I didn't forget.

Schruldig: Yes, you did.

Brad: No, I didn't!

Schruldig: Do you even know what I'm talking about?

Brad: ...Your birthday?

/silence/

Schruldig: Get out.

Brad: Hey!

Schruldig: /kicks Brad out of the car (literally), then drives off/

[ on sidewalk ]

Brad: I could not have foreseen this.

Yohji: Ned's parents are--? Then Ned is--! /starts to run back to the
store/

[ at Kitten in the House ]

Aya: /notices Yohji/ Hmm, Yohji's trying to run. Ken, get the
stopwatch.

Ken: Already got it.

Yohji: ...gasp...choke...wheeze...

Aya: Jesus, Yohji, it took you--

Ken: Twenty minutes.

Aya: --Twenty minutes to cross the street!

Yohji: ...gotta...gasp...stop...smoking...

Brad: /enters store/ Hello?

Aya: Buy something or -- /stops and glares/ Kisama!

Brad: I'd like some flowers.

Aya: You can't have them!

Brad: Idiot, I'm going to *buy* them.

Aya: Oh.

Yohji: ...no... parents of...Omi's...wheeze...

Brad: What flowers say, 'Sorry for something I still know absolutely
nothing about?'

Ken: Yes, Aya, why don't you tell him?

Aya: /cough/ I know just the arrangement.

Yohji: ...gasp... no, stop... Ned is...

Brad: Who the hell is Ned?

Ken: Omi's new beau.

Brad: Too bad I neither know nor care who Omi is. But it must be
important if your friend is willing to kill himself to tell you.

Yohji: ...wheeze...

Brad: He's an assassin?

Ken: We're trying to get him fixed.

Aya: /brings bouquet/ Your flowers, scum.

Brad: Your money, you Weiß bastard. When's the next bus?

Aya: Fifteen minutes.

Brad: Over there? /points to street corner/

Aya: Yeah.

Brad: Okay then. /looks at Ken, then back at Aya/ You could do better.

Ken: Hey!

Aya: Hmmm.

Yohji: ...no!...bad...guy....

Brad: /kicks Yohji, starts to leave/

Yohji: My face!

Brad: /stops and looks back at Yohji/ You're going to die of lung
cancer. /leaves/

Yohji: ...ugh...

Aya: Did you have to say that, Ken?

Ken: Well, EXCUSE me. No sex, no respect.

Aya: You could at least be considerate of my feelings.

Yohji: ...sappy moment...can't leave...why, God, why?...

Ken: I told you you were only good for one thing.

Aya: Even still, you should have---

Yohji: ...can't breathe...

Aya: Maybe we oughta help him.

Ken: Yeah, maybe.

/Aya and Ken leave/

Yohji: ...wheeze... just give me cigarette and I'll be okay...
/passes out/



*** Present ***

Therapist: What happened when you woke up?

Yohji: I woke up sprawled over the cash register. I felt confused,
but refreshed.

Therapist: Oookay.

Yohji: I asked the other boys if they had seen who had molested me.
They said no one had. But they were lying. I knew that orange-haired
perv had gotten to me.

Therapist: Who, Aya?

Yohji: No, Schruldig. After all, he *did* try to molest me six months
ago.



*** Six Months Ago ***

Schruldig: GET OFF OF ME, Weiß bastard!

Brad: What are you DOING?!? Get off him!

Nagi: Oh my God! My fragile mind!

Farfello: /giggle/

Schruldig: AAAHHHHH!!!!



*** Present ***

Yohji: Thank God I escaped.

Therapist: Do you even realize all this is just in your mind?

Yohji: My mind isn't strong enough to generate this... stuff.

Therapist: Hmmm, you know what, I believe you.

END PART ONE