Chapter 13 - Circles in the Sand Making arrangements to go to Vulcan had been much more difficult than Amanda had anticipated. The current situation between the Federation and the Vulcan government, who protected the renegade crew that Starfleet wanted returned, made travel between the two planets nearly impossible. All Starfleet vessels were forbidden to approach Vulcan, and private shuttles were strongly discouraged. Starfleet wanted to make sure that the renegades on Vulcan stayed there until something could be worked out. It took every string she could pull, but finally, two days after Sarek's call, and after posting a costly bribe, she boarded a Sargasian freighter for the voyage. Not luxurious by any means, but welcomed nonetheless. The voyage took three days, and she spent that time organizing chips and preparing all that would be needed to tutor Spock. Having no idea what level he was on, she prepared tests so that she could judge the areas that he needed to begin studying. She found it to be an almost euphoric feeling. By the time the ship deposited her at the main transport center in Shi'kahr, she had made some decisions regarding her son. This time, things would be different. She would see to it. Automatically, her eyes scanned the crowd for Sarek. She had told him not to meet her, that she would arrange her own transportation to Gol. But that didn't keep her from searching the faces of those in the station who were passing by on the way to their various destinations. She knew that had he been there, she would have been angry with him for not respecting her wishes, but to not have him here proved surprisingly disappointing. She wrapped her cape tightly around her and pulled the sleeves low; seemingly to cover the faint hint of green and purple bruising that was still evident on her wrist. True, to the naked eye, it was barely visible now, but she felt as if she could still feel the heat from his grip, a strong reminder of their last encounter. She made her way to the area where aircars were available for hire and discovered a car and driver had been reserved for her. Even this, Sarek had seen to. Boarding the car, she was whisked off in the direction of Gol. The anticipation of seeing her son made the trip seem longer than it really was. As Sarek's wife, she had been to Gol many times. However, she could never get used to the coldness that could be found in the massive configuration, not in the temperature, but in the aloneness that this place represented. Reddish-colored stones comprised the immense structure. They were placed so precisely that, even after thousands of years, it was hard to see where they joined. She knew the reasoning, no distractions from the constant meditations that took place here, but the never-changing view did nothing to comfort her as she waited to be shown to her room. However, she found her accommodation was acceptable with a padded platform for sleeping. And, given this was Gol, at least it was furnished, although minimally, with a desk, two chairs, and a lamp. But the surroundings didn't matter. She would have slept in the middle of the desert if it meant being able to see him again. She waited nervously for her son to arrive. "Mother?" Spock's voice came from behind her. She turned and saw him. Joy, grief, and relief flooded her all at once. Her son, her dead son, was now here with her, calling her name. "Spock!" she cried. She walked slowly toward him and even though he did not respond, she gently wrapped her arms around him. "Spock..." she whispered again as tears began to roll down her face. "I was devastated when I heard you had been killed." She tightened her grip on his shoulders and leaned back to look at him. "But you're here, alive. I can hardly believe it! It's a miracle!" "It is fal-tor-pan, Mother. No miracle was involved." She felt the stiffing muscles beneath the robe at her touch and released him. "It's a miracle to me. I never thought I would be able to look upon you again. Tell me Spock, how are you?" He clasped his hands at his back. "Physically, I am strong. There seems to be vast parts of my memory that have been lost, but I have been studying the Vulcan disciplines under the guidance of the Brothers of Zi'har, and some of what I have encountered has seemed familiar." He sounded so distant, as if he were giving a report to a stranger. "Do you remember me, Spock?" "Yes, Mother, you and Father, and our home. The memories beginning with earliest childhood and youth are the strongest. The memories from early adulthood and beyond become increasingly faint." She watched him as his forehead tensed in the attempt to recall these lost memories. "That pattern continues until the recent past, which is quite unfamiliar to me." The sight of her son struggling to remember was painful. But it would be fine by her if he never remembered the facts of these last years. "Well, maybe the most recent part of your life is the least significant. We will start with what you know, and work our way up from there." He shook his head as he turned from her and paced a few steps before turning back. "I do not wish to dispute your word, Mother, but logic dictates that the most recent events in my life should hold the most importance to me. It is disturbing not to remember those things which have brought me to this point." "Don't press, Spock. After all, it may be that you will choose a different path entirely from the one you chose before." "That is something that I had not considered. Perhaps you are correct. I have been advised that you will be taking over the area of my academics. Am I correct?" "If you will allow me to do so. I'll be glad to help you in any way I can." "I will be most grateful for your assistance." "Good. Let me get settled in and we can begin this evening if you wish." "Settled in? You will be moving from our home?" Amanda hesitated. There was much that she could not explain, not without telling Spock those things she hoped he would never remember. "Yes, I've decided it will be best if I stay here, at least for a while. It will give us more time to work together." "I do not wish to impose in such a manner. It is a great sacrifice to ask you to move from your home." "It's not a sacrifice I mind making, Spock." This was certainly not the time to go into details regarding her separation from Sarek. And she certainly couldn't tell him the cause of their union being severed. Even more than Kirk, McCoy was one person she hoped with all of her heart that Spock would never remember. "As you wish. It would be agreeable to begin this evening. I must leave you at this time. I have a session with Brother Saban, and following that, I have been requested to attend a meeting with a female scientist by the name of Saavik." "Saavik?" Amanda's eyes brightened. This could be perfect. There was none who would be as well suited for Spock than Saavik. She possessed an excellent level of intelligence, common interests, and the ability to give Spock what Amanda most hoped for her son, a life of normalcy and a family. "Yes, Mother, do you know her? I have been advised that it was she, accompanied by another scientist, who located me on the planet. I wish to discuss these events with her, for she may be able to give insight into how I came to be rescued." "Yes, Spock, we have met on several occasions. If you wish to delay our first session until tomorrow, then you would have more time to spend with her." "Unnecessary. I will be here after the evening meal if that is acceptable." "Yes, Spock. This evening." She watched him as he turned and walked from the room. He was rigid and at his most Vulcan. She couldn't help but notice that the spark of passion that he had found in these past years was gone entirely. He had stood before her and spoken with her, but it was as if the life was still gone from his eyes. She had watched him fight against his passions, his troubling emotions, all of his life. The last time she had seen him, he had stopped fighting that which he had run from for so long. She had seen the joy, satisfaction, dignity, and humor he had gained, and she remembered that even though she had not been thrilled at his choice, she had been pleased to see him connect with those emotions she had known were hidden within him. Now, all of that was gone. He had only found that with them. They had been by his side and he had been happy. This was her son. Could she really deny him finding that happiness again? But couldn't he find the same level of satisfaction by staying on Vulcan, settling down and taking his place among the leading citizens? Wouldn't it bring him happiness to find a bondmate who would give him that which was necessary for his lineage to survive? And, even if his lusts were such that he required a male, it was certainly acceptable for him to take a consort to satisfy those needs. This was the direction she hoped for Spock to take...this time. Maybe Saavik was the answer to him finding an acceptable direction. However, there were dangers in having him in contact with anyone from the outside, even Saavik. This she would have to deal with right away. Summoning the leader of the Zi'har Order to her chambers, she managed to alleviate that concern. She advised the director that in her opinion, no information should be furnished to her son other than that which he remembered on his own. Having no one on the planet with prior experience in a situation such as this, proved to be to her advantage. Before their meeting was completed, it was agreed that anyone from the outside who met with Spock would first be warned against revealing information about his previous life. It was all she could have hoped for. As she organized the tests that she would administer to Spock, to see where they needed to begin, her thoughts were on her son, and on the other Vulcan male that had shared her life these years--Sarek. She remembered that there had been a time when she had seen passion in her husband's eyes. But she had always discounted his need for an emotional and highly physical relationship as illogical. She had been instructed in the ways of Vulcan since her early childhood, and knew that Vulcan relationships were based purely on logic. This, she had learned at the knees of her parents. Her grandfather had been instrumental in bringing about a dialogue between the Vulcans and Terrans. Her parents had raised her to be acceptable to the Vulcan people. They had instilled in her the fact that the emotional, hormone-based behavior that most Terrans indulged in was beneath her. Her family had expected that her role would be as an example of the best that Earth had to offer. And she had grown up to exceed their expectations. Sarek's request to become her bondmate had been received with reserved exuberance. To have the one male with the purest bloodline request her as his wife was more that they could have hoped for. She, too, had found him a most appealing mate. It had taken her by surprise that this highly revered, highly respected Vulcan would want her to behave in ways that only the most common on her home planet behaved. She had always been certain that this would pass, and she was correct. His passions had cooled as he came to respect her, and take consorts towards whom he could direct his more guttural behavior. This was an acceptable practice for the best bred of Vulcan. For their many years together, all was as it should be--until he returned from this last mission. His respect for her was not as deep as she had thought. He wanted her to perform acts she found repulsive, and when she did not, his thoughts turned to the other one who had fired his emotions. Having him seek physical release elsewhere was acceptable, but finding that he had formed an emotional attachment to this man, one of the same men that had assured her son would have no future, was beyond forgiveness. She continued to mull over these thoughts as the day passed and she made preparations to meet with Spock. As such, her emotions were running the gambit from remembering with fondness her happier times with Sarek to the raging anger that she felt toward him. Always present was the unrelenting hatred she still felt toward McCoy. He was the destructive force in her life. Even before the encounter with her husband, she had grown to resent McCoy much more than Kirk. She was well aware of Kirk's reputation and knew that eventually he would tire of his relationship with Spock and leave, giving Spock new opportunities to fulfill his destiny. But McCoy was different. She knew that, given the chance, McCoy would hold onto Spock until his last breath, leaving Spock little time to marry and have children. Certainly not in her lifetime would it happen with the doctor clinging to him. And if that was not enough, then she discovered that her husband, too, was under this demon's spell. No! Whatever it took, she was going to make sure that Spock had nothing to do with Leonard McCoy. That part of his life was over and forgotten; she would make certain it stayed that way. As if emphasizing her decision, she slapped the stack of discs down on the table beside the computer, smoothed her robe, and, seeing everything was ready for Spock, left the room to partake of the evening meal. She was satisfied that this time she could steer Spock in the right direction. Sarek would not be present to drive him away, and she would make sure the influences of Starfleet would not be a factor. Realizing that she was showing her new-found confidence too openly, she wiped the smile from her face when given a disapproving look from one of the elders she encountered in the hallway. Chapter 14 Hikaru noticed a droplet of perspiration that came from beneath the thick hair and trickled slowly--tantalizingly slowly--down the nape of Pavel's neck and disappeared into the collar of the jumpsuit. And, not for the first time this day, he imagined his tongue following that same path...and beyond. On the rest of the crew, the work uniforms were ill fitting; Pavel was the exception. His hugged him perfectly, giving his lover's muscular body a Greek god appearance. Even though the job they were doing was important, it was also very tedious. Rerouting cable took nothing more than brute strength, something Pavel had an abundance of. After years of training in Starfleet Security, and the rigorous training regime that Pavel kept up even to this day, his lover had amazing strength that more than made up for his diminutive stature. It was for this reason that Hikaru was standing behind him. Pavel had the strength to pull the heavy lines from their old path and stuff them into the new route that Scotty had mapped out. Hikaru's job was to stand behind him, make sure the lines didn't tangle and feed them to Pavel when he called for them. It wasn't any wonder that with having nothing else to think about, Sulu was experiencing a multitude of silent sexual fantasies as he watched the muscles beneath the thin material ripple with every move. Of the seven days since they had begun work on the Klingon ship, the last three had them doing just this. And except for the few breaks for water or food, Sulu had spent an average of sixteen hours a day wedged into the small dead-end passage, watching that body. Sure, they had made it blatantly obvious to everyone that they were lovers when, given their choice, they chose to share one of the one-bedroom units instead of opting for separate apartments. But except for Len, who wasn't exactly himself at the time they had renewed their relationship, the fact that they were lovers came as no surprise to anyone. However, even with sharing the apartment, romantic encounters had mostly been limited to quick releases in the shower, always taken together. On the occasions that they waited until they crawled into bed, one or the other would usually collapse in total exhaustion and be asleep moments thereafter. And as nice as the quick releases were, and as much as he enjoyed holding and being held by Pavel while they slept, neither circumstance was what Sulu's body was craving. He wanted to feel that body in his arms, taste the saltiness of the flesh, feel the tightness surround him as he was driven past the point of no return. Once again, Pavel stretched into the opening and the shoulders swelled to their full width. As the Russian pushed upwards on one foot, Hikaru watched the narrow waist and tight, firm mounds twisting sensuously. It was more than he could stand. He brought his hand up, and when he laid it on Pavel's ass, he felt the Russian jump with surprise. The reaction was only a momentary one, as he soon felt the hips pressing back against his fingers. With one finger, Sulu traced the seam that snugged into the crevice separating the firm mounds. When he reached that spot where the small puckered opening was, he pressed in a little deeper, tracing the rim of the aperture with his fabric-covered fingertip. Forgetting about the cable for the moment, Pavel withdrew from the opening above and splayed his hands on the wall, spreading his legs to give his lover full access to him. Moving his hands around Pavel's waist, Sulu reached for the opening in the front and pulled apart the hook-and-loop fastener that ran from chest to groin with a crisp ripping sound. "Hik..." Pavel breathed. "Vhat if...someone could see..." "Shhhh..." Sulu soothed. "No one has been down here since we started this project. I want to feel you against me." Pavel swallowed roughly. "Yesssss...." he hissed when Sulu freed his erection and began to stroke it. Chekov pulled his arms from the confines of the sleeves and let the jumpsuit slide down his thighs, only stopping when his spread legs allowed it to advance no further. Sulu slipped his fingers beneath the waistband of the briefs and slid them down to meet the bunched suit. Slipping his own jumpsuit down, he kneaded the tight mounds and separated them, slipping his cock between the firm cheeks. "Oh...God...Hik," Pavel moaned softly. "Fuck me..." he pleaded. Sulu grabbed Pavel around the waist and pulled him against him as tightly as possible. His lips went to the damp neck and he traced the path of the droplets he had watched earlier. His breaths were coming in short gasps as the taste and smell of Pavel's salty skin invaded all his senses. He gently bit and nibbled his way to the base of his lover's ear. "I can't, Pav," he breathed roughly. "We don't have anything to lubricate you with." He felt Pavel reach for his hand and pull it down to his hard cock. "Yes, we do. Make me cum," Pavel whispered between short, sharp breaths. Sulu wrapped one hand around the thick cock, positioning his fingers for optimum pleasure. With his other, he cradled Pavel's scrotum and gently massaged the orbs inside. With Pavel wrapped in his arms, Hikaru began stroking the hard organ. Pavel covered the head of his penis with his palm to capture his ejaculate, and it didn't take long until Sulu felt him tense and then begin to spasm. After massaging Pavel to completion, he released the organ and moved back a bit, freeing his cock from between the tight mounds. Pavel brought his hand behind him and began to coat Sulu's erection with his fluid. Hikaru spread the mounds and Pavel spread the remainder of his ejaculate around and within his anus, readying himself for his lover's invasion. Looking down and watching Pavel's fingers move into his own body was a sight that almost brought Hikaru over. Thoroughly prepared, Pavel removed his hand and splayed himself against the wall again. Centering his cock, Hikaru pressed the head of his organ inside and felt Pavel push back against him. With just a few short strokes, he was fully encased within his lover. Holding Pavel's hips still against him, he made sure his lover was adjusted to his length before he began to thrust into the body. Withdrawing all but the tip, he then buried his cock up to the root inside his lover. Once...twice...three times, was all it took before he felt the swell of heat begin to gather in his groin. Reaching for one of Pavel's hands, he moved it down to his lover's renewed erection and together they stroked up the firm length of flesh. Then Hikaru removed his hand and grasped Pavel around the waist once more, leaving Pavel to stroke himself to completion. "Oh, GOD!" Sulu breathed. Maybe it was the fact that they were doing something that they both knew they shouldn't be, or maybe it was the heat in the bowels of the ship that had finally burned any semblance of good sense from them, but right now, Sulu didn't care. It was evident from Pavel's deep moans that his partner had long since dismissed any concerns about this encounter. Thrusting deep, he sunk the full length of his cock into his lover once more. "Da! Trakhat'sya moju z opa!" Pavel moaned loudly. Again, his tongue found the slick, wet flesh at the base of Pavel's neck and bathed upwards, flicking the damp strands of hair with his tongue. His legs trembled and he could feel the stinging rush of his orgasm as it was about to overtake him. "Oh, God...Pav...you feel so good...so hot...so tight!" he groaned. "Ummm...ostokhuitel'no!" his lover gasped. Sinking his lips into the curve of Pavel's neck to stifle his moan, he thrust again and felt the rush of his orgasm as he began to fill Pavel's contracting chamber. The muscles of his lover's cavity clenched around his organ as Pavel brought himself off. Hikaru slid his hand down Pavel's arm until his hand closed over his lover's larger one. He could feel the sticky wetness of the Russian's semen as it seeped between his fingers. "Oh...yes!" Sulu groaned into the beads of sweat just beneath Pavel's ear. He felt the last erotic wave wash over him, and he shot the last of his ejaculate into his lover's ass. "Sukin syn!" Pavel exclaimed, his voice sounding alarmed, as all hell broke loose. ************* They were all tired. The crew had been putting in a minimum of sixteen-hour days. Well, only twelve if they used Vulcan hours. It didn't sound so bad when thought of in those terms, he kept reminding his crew. Never mind that there were only eighteen hours in a Vulcan day, and each hour converted to almost an hour and a half in Standard. They had only been able to download some of the medical information from the ship's computer banks before they found out that there were more immediate concerns that had to be addressed. Scotty had discovered that most of the systems were routed through the weapons controls on the Bird of Prey, and bypassing that system had to take precedence. Jim didn't want to chance firing off a phaser blast when he merely wanted a cup of coffee from the replicator. Not that they had happened upon any code that would supply them with consumable coffee, or anything else for that matter. Bones had insisted for days that Jim was going to have a full mutiny on his hands if he kept up this backbreaking schedule. It was that little statement that ended up naming the ship. Bones, in one of his tirades, and armed with a can of red paint, had dubbed her the H.M.S. Bounty. He said it was the perfect name, considering the commander the crew had to put up with. Other than agreeing on the name, which somehow appealed to his own sense of irony, he chose to ignore the doctor's advice. Too, since McCoy wasn't usually on the ship, but in the labs at the Academy trying to work on the medical tapes, he didn't have to hear Bones' criticisms all that often. Jim's days usually began long before the others. He would rise, dress, and walk to the transport station where he would arrive at the site while it was still dark. It seemed that only on this ship could he find any peace. It was his key. He was certain that it held his answers. But the answers did not come easily. More than once, Jim wished for Spock's expertise. More than once, Jim wished for Spock. Each day, as the sun would rise over the horizon, Jim would look up at the path that ran across the crest of the mountain. Occasionally, he would see those who lived at Gol walking there, but never the lithe, graceful figure that he hoped to catch a glimpse of. More often than not, there would be nothing except the harsh, jagged shape of the rocks that were illuminated by the red sun's glow as it tried to rise above the peaks. Convincing himself that it was for the best, he would then turn back to the issue at hand and immerse himself in the monumental task before him. This became his routine. It was their seventh day of working on the Bird of Prey. They had taken a short break to eat their midday meal and then gone back to their stations. Jim, Scotty, and Nyota were on the bridge. Pavel and Hikaru were where they'd been for the last three days, in the bottom of the ship rerouting the kilometers of cables that led from the central computer to the various controls. McCoy hadn't shown up that day, but considering the argument that they had the day before, Jim wasn't surprised. The heat within the ship, especially during the middle of the day, became very uncomfortable. Scotty had disappeared from the waist up as he was straining to disengage a circuit board through a panel that had been removed in the floor. Jim wiped the sweat from his forehead with his thumb as he squatted next to the opening, handing Scotty the tools he needed. He was often amazed how a man of Scotty’s stature could maneuver within these tiny areas with such remarkable agility. But all he had to do was point the Scotsman toward any mechanical task, and his chief engineer always managed to snake himself into even the smallest niche to work on it. Nyota was underneath the comm unit working on rewiring that center so it would be able to pick up Federation frequencies. "Dammit! Dammit ta hell!" he heard coming from beneath the floor. Scotty scooted his legs back and slowly emerged from the pit. "What's the matter?" Jim rose quickly to his feet and asked in a rush, thinking that Scotty might be hurt. Scott sat up and grabbed a towel lying on the floor. He mopped the sweat from his brow and hands. "The damned magna-wrench slipped outta my hand! Now it's lying at the bottom of the chamber and I dinna have the reach t' grab it." "Can we get our hands on another one?" Jim asked. "Nae...not one that'll fit these Klingon connectors. I'll have t' go get the magnetic clamp from down below. That'll retrieve it right enough!" Scotty said as he started to rise. "Sit still, Scotty. Get something to drink, and I'll go after it." "Are ye sure ye know what you're going after?" "Long rod...magnetic clamp on the end? Yeah, I think even I can handle that, Mr. Scott!" Jim smiled and winked. Mopping his brow once more, Scotty grinned. "Then I'll let ye!" he replied. Jim headed for the access ladder and, ignoring the rungs, slid down the four levels bringing him to the belly of the ship. He knew that Chekov and Sulu had been using the tool kit in the aft section earlier in the day, so he headed in that direction. The passage that contained the electrical conduit was located at the back of a twisting corridor that circled around behind the anti-matter chamber. Jim had to turn sideways to slide through the narrow opening, and found himself almost on top of them before he realized what was going on. Luckily, they hadn't heard him since both men were faced away from the opening and otherwise distracted. Pavel was splayed against the bulkhead, supporting himself with one hand, and Sulu was spooned against his back. Both of their jumpsuits were around their knees, Sulu's arms encircling his lover, and his hips were thrusting forward. Pavel was mumbling something in his native tongue--Jim had a pretty good idea what--and it sounded like Sulu was trying to suppress his own moans against Chekov's neck. Jim, after gaining his wits, tried to back away silently. If the open toolbox hadn't been directly behind him, he probably would have made a clean get-away. However, he struck the box with his heel and tools began to clatter as they were spilled all over the floor. Pavel screamed something in Russian, not a welcome greeting if Jim could tell anything from the way it was yelled, and the men who had been otherwise occupied jumped and grabbed at their clothes. They each were trying to pull the tangle of underwear and jumpsuits up quickly as they turned and all eyes met. "ADMIRAL!" Pavel exclaimed with nothing less than pure shock and embarrassment. It always amazed Jim how time could slow to a near halt at moments like this. It was no more than a few seconds, but in that time, everything he was seeing was registering with absolute clarity. Sulu's cock, dark and glistening, withdrew from Chekov's ass. Pavel's hand was coated with his own semen as he grasped for the bunched clothes around his knees. "Sorry...it's just...Scotty needed...the...never mind..." Jim stammered as he backed away. Looking down at the spill of tools lying around his feet, there was a moment when he didn't know whether to try to pick up the scattered items, or just run. Running won out. Turning quickly, he flung himself through the narrow opening and sprinted for the ladder. "Dammit...dammit...dammit!" he was still exclaiming as he reached the bridge level. Bones had warned him. Had he listened? Hell no! Just because he didn't have a private life anymore, he hadn't thought about what these grueling hours were doing to his crew. Hell, Chekov and Sulu had just recently gotten back together after years apart! What the hell did he expect? Oh, GOD! It was bad enough catching anyone in that position, but the fact that it had been Pavel caused his gut to tighten. He'd always imagined--pretended--there was a facade of innocence that surrounded the Russian. So much for that! 'FUCK!' Jim silently screamed. He didn't even realize that he was back on the bridge until he heard Scotty's voice. "Could ye 'nae find it?" Scotty asked Jim, who had rushed back onto the bridge empty handed. "It...?" he asked, forgetting what the hell he'd gone after to begin with. "Oh...the magnetic clamp. No...er...didn't get a chance to look for it," he breathed heavily. "No problem, I know right where it is. I'll get it," Scotty offered as he headed for the door. "NO!" Jim shouted before he could stop himself. Scotty stopped dead in his tracks and turned to the admiral. Even Nyota came from underneath the communications station with the sound of his shout. Taking a deep breath, Jim said, this time more calmly, "What I mean, Mr. Scott, is that we've been working too long. It will be waiting for us again tomorrow. Everyone is relieved of duty for the day." "But, sir," Scotty began to protest. He was as much a workaholic as anyone, but Nyota strolled over and whispered something to him. Whatever it was, it worked, seemingly changing Scotty's mind in mid-thought. "AYE, Admiral!" he nodded. Laying the towel that he still held in his hand over the rail, he and Uhura turned to leave the ship. "Oh, and Scotty, will you two inform Chekov and Sulu on your way out?" Jim called. "Certainly, sir," Scotty answered. Sure, it was the coward's way out, but Jim really didn't feel like facing them right now. And he had no doubt that they were already dressed and on their way to the bridge. "Aren't ye coming, Admiral?" Scotty asked. "You all go ahead. I just want to shut down some things and I'll be leaving shortly." Since he had started using the transporter at the station more than the shuttle, this didn't seem to raise any warning signals. Scotty nodded and Jim noticed the small tug that Uhura gave his engineer's arm. After they had gone, Jim sat down at the navigation position and rested his elbows on the unit, balling his fingers together in front of his face. Lightly, he pounded his forehead with the clasped fingers. "Dammit!" he exclaimed. *********************** Deep in the ship, fully dressed once more, there were two men who suspected that they were in serious trouble. "Hik, do you think the admiral will really be mad?" "Are you kidding?" Sulu turned and looked at his lover. "It's a good thing that Starfleet has probably already court-martialed us in absentia. Otherwise, Admiral Kirk would have us taking a long walk out a short waste tube! Damn! Of all the times for him to show up! We've been the only ones down in this part of the ship for days! Pav, I'm really sorry." "You didn't do anything that I haven't been thinking about since we started! You KNOW what he'll be tink'ing! That we do this all the time. He'll NEVER believe that this was our first time." "Does it matter? Well, we might as well go topside and face the music. Better than putting it off." "I tink I'd rather put it off," Pavel sighed as he started down the corridor. They had just climbed up the first of the four levels when they noticed Scotty and Nyota coming down. "Did he send BOTH of you after us?" Pavel asked. Uhura reached the level they were standing on and turned to them. "Well, he told us to tell you that you're relieved of duty for the rest of the day." "Oh...damn!" Pavel breathed, looking toward Sulu. "I didn't think he'd relieve us of duty," Hikaru responded, shaking his head. "A reprimand, maybe. We have to go talk to him...have to explain." "Explain what? I swear! First Scotty and now you two! You would think that an evening off for a change was punishment. I would think the two of you would look forward to some time spent together." "Aye, the lass is right," Scotty added, now that he had reached the same level. "I say we go get cleaned up, maybe get something to eat, then do whatever we want to. And I, for one, know exactly what I plan on doin' with the evening," he grinned, wrapping his arms around Nyota's waist. "Wait...let me get this straight. You mean the admiral has given us ALL the evening off? It's not just Pavel and me he's sending home?" "Now, why in heaven's name would he go and do a thing like that?" Scotty asked. "Don't ye think we deserve some time away from this tub, too?" "Doesn't he want to see us? Wasn't he mad?" Pavel asked. "Mad?" Uhura questioned. Looking over her shoulder at Scotty, both of them shook their heads before she turned back and answered. "No, he didn't seem angry. A bit flustered, maybe. Why? What's going on with you two, anyway?" "Aye! The two of ye look like you've been caught with yer hands in the cookie jar, sure 'nough," Scotty added. Sulu looked sheepishly toward Pavel. "Well, it wasn't exactly our hands in the cookie jar that the admiral caught us at," he whispered, the flush turning his complexion to a dark ginger color. "Do ye mean t' tell me that Jim Kirk caught ye with yer knickers down?" Scotty exclaimed. They both nodded. "Yeah, and I figured that he would be pretty angry with us," Sulu said, not quite believing that they were being all but rewarded. Once both Nyota and Monty had managed to control their laughter, Nyota said, "Well, he might be after giving it some thought, but he seemed more flustered than anything. I say let's get out of here and deal with the rest tomorrow. I, for one, am looking forward to a shower and a night away from here!" She all but purred as she looked across her shoulder at the man who still held her. Chapter 15 Jim wasn't sure how long he sat in the seat. Certainly long enough for the rest of the crew to clear out. The scene he had encountered below kept playing out in his mind. Sure, it was an embarrassing encounter, and one that would take some time for all of them to get over. And true, given normal circumstances he'd have had the two of them hauled up and would've at least threatened 'Behavior Unbecoming'. But they were far from home, in all likelihood had given up everything they loved--except each other--and had a commander who was asking the impossible from them. No, he wasn't angry. If anything, Jim was feeling somewhat envious. Passion. Pure, unadulterated passion is what he'd caught a glimpse of. He remembered feeling like that. By the calendar it wasn't so long ago--just shy of a month. But by his heart it seemed like it had been years since he'd felt that way. He recalled the feeling of being so in love that just being near him, in Jim's case either of them, turned him on. He remembered one evening in a restaurant when, under the cover of darkness, his lovers' had ravaged him. He remembered many days when he had to consciously fight with his brain against erotic images that threatened to bring him to arousal. There was a time when just the glimpse of either of them would stir his passions. Hell, who was he kidding? Spock and McCoy were always giving him a hard time about checking out most everyone he passed. He hadn't felt any desire to act upon it with any others in a very long time, but he'd told them that until the day came when he was struck blind, he wasn't going to stop looking. It had turned into a running joke between them about his roving eye. Even as recently as his birthday, the day Saavik had gone through the Kobayashi Maru, after he and Spock had walked past a maintenance worker, Jim, in true fashion, had turned to give the man the once-over. Spock had teasingly arched an eyebrow at him. His lovers had long before realized that most of the looking and flirting that went on was for their benefit. A few glances here, a little more attention than was necessary there, all under their watchful eyes, could institute a night of love making that would all but set the sheets on fire. At what point had he lost his desire for that? At what point did the memory of flesh--their flesh--rubbing against his stop arousing him? God, how he missed that feeling! He'd told himself that Sarek had a fight on his hands where Bones was concerned, but his desire to fight was gone. Where did that leave them? Where did that leave Bones? Waiting for someone who wasn't going to be there for him, that's where. The desire for what they had was gone, but his love for the man was as strong as ever. Just as he'd denied Pavel and Hikaru what they needed, Scotty and Nyota, too, for that matter, he was denying Bones what he needed. What was it his father used to say? 'Boys, you either need to take the shot or pass the ball, but the game can't go on if you just stand there.' It had been his father's way of telling them that if they weren't going to take action, step out of the way for those who will. Okay, so it was time to take action. Reaching for his personal communicator he stared at the device. Now that they had been reprogrammed to work through the Vulcan network, it made staying in touch a lot easier. Flipping it open with determination, he punched in the frequency to contact McCoy. ******************** Leonard had spent less time working and more time daydreaming that afternoon. Maybe it was just reminiscing. The thought had crossed his mind more than once to go back to the apartment, strip naked and call Jim. It was something he'd done at least once or twice over the years, but certainly not here, and certainly not now. But with the increased hostility that had been brewing between himself and Jim lately, he wasn't sure it would work. He knew one thing for sure! He was definitely beginning to feel that spark again; his threatening erection was testament enough to that. Okay, so things weren't the same as they'd been. Did that mean that they couldn't go on from here? His comm unit sounded. Picking it up, he saw that the transmission was coming in from Jim. Well, well! Maybe Jim had been having the same ideas? One could only hope! "McCoy, here," he answered. "Bones, I've given the crew the rest of the day off. How about you knocking off for the day, too? What would you say to meeting somewhere for dinner?" "You, Jim?" Leonard asked, amazement evident in his voice. He could feel the uncontrollable smile that spread across his face. Could it be that his stunt the day before, had paid off? "Let me get this straight. You, Jim Kirk, have given the most overworked crew in the quadrant the rest of the day off?" "Okay, Bones, that's enough. You want to meet me, or not?" "Sure I do. Just name the time and place," Leonard grinned. "Well, I need to get cleaned up, but I can use the sonics here on the ship since Scotty has them working." 'Too bad,' McCoy thought. Had Jim said he was going back to the apartment to clean up, he may have found himself with a little company in the shower. "An hour, then?" McCoy asked. "It won't take that long. How about thirty minutes, somewhere in the International District? Maybe that little place that has Italian food?" "I don't care what they say, Italian food without meat isn't the real thing, but yeah, that sounds fine." "Good, see you then," Jim said before closing the link. McCoy looked around at the other scientists in the area, all Vulcan, none of which were terribly conversive. He grinned at the thought of their reaction if he decided to stand up and do a little dance to the tune of "I've gotta date with Jim." Damn, suddenly he was all but giddy. Hell, it was only dinner. Well, that was all that was mentioned, but before the night was over, Leonard McCoy had other plans for the esteemed admiral. Before he made a fool out of himself, he decided to go back to the apartment, grab a quick shower and a change of clothes. Okay, so except for some ill-fitting jumpsuits, everything they wore looked the same. It wasn't his fault that the clothes they had on their backs were being used as the pattern to replicate their wardrobe in the recycler. But it was better than the alternative. He'd be damned before he'd start wearing robes! He was a few minutes late arriving at the restaurant. He would have been even later if he'd given into the urge to relieve his straining erection in the shower. It took willpower, but he decided to hold off and let Jim do that for him...later. He saw Jim standing out front and he realized he was as excited as a kid on his first date. He tried to calm himself as he walked from the transport center to the café. It was just dinner, he told himself, again. It's not like Jim had invited him back to the apartment to fuck his brains out, not yet anyway. "Well, hello there, Jim! You wanna tell me what the occasion is?" he asked, trying to make his voice sound as normal as possible. "Occasion, Bones?" Jim looked at him curiously. "Yeah. Calling it a day in the middle of the afternoon, dinner out, not what I'd call your usual behavior." "Christ, Bones! Don't I have the right to take an afternoon off without getting the third degree?" Leonard drew back a bit. Okay, so Jim wasn't in the mood to kid around. Maybe he'd have to take it down a notch, move a little slower. "Sorry, Jim. Of course you have the right." "Besides," Jim continued, "other than some pretty stressful moments at the ship, it's been a while since we've done much more than see each other as we passed going in and out of the apartment. I thought that having a chance to catch up would be a good idea." Now, that was sounding better, Leonard thought. "Yeah, this is nice. Ready to go inside?" he asked, holding open the door. Well, hell, if this night was going to be about courtin' him, he might as well go all the way! They were shown to a table just off the center of the room. They placed their orders, and requested wine. Yeah, it was synthesized, but it tasted good nonetheless. They had already been in the restaurant a good ten minutes, and had yet to say anything directly to each other. This was a man Leonard had talked to, confided in, made love to, for more years than he cared to count. But lately, any attempt at conversation usually ended up in strained small talk, and silence would shortly win out, just as it seemed to be doing again this evening. Leonard had hoped that by meeting here, the noise of other people would get them talking, but it was still very early for the Vulcan evening meal, and there were only a few tables occupied. "So, Jim, how's the progress coming on the ship? Have Chekov and Sulu finished rerouting the cables yet?" McCoy noticed a definite flush that started at Jim's collar and crept up his face. Not only that, Jim was glaring at him! What the hell had he said now? "Not yet, but it's...*coming* along," he finally replied through clenched teeth. Leonard decided to just sit there and shut up for a while, at least until those daggers quit shooting out of Jim's eyes. After a few more minutes of silence, Jim asked, "How are the medical records? Making any sense of them?" McCoy tilted his head. Leonard sent Jim a report every morning, and both of them knew damned well how it was going; it was a case of three steps forward, two steps back. But at least it was another attempt at conversation. "Nothing else to report. I found something today that I thought I was gonna be able to decode, but it didn't pan out." Jim nodded. The waiter came by and asked if they wanted a refill on the wine, both held out their glasses. A few silent minutes later, their dinner was served. Even Bones had to admit it was better than what they'd been ordering in or replicating at the apartment lately. Jim agreed that the food was good. Beyond that, they both commented that the music being played by the two musicians in the middle of the room was interesting, the drink potent, and the weather hot. It was the small talk that they had become accustomed to lately at its best, or worst, depending on how you looked at it. Slowly, Bones' plans for the evening were being dashed all to hell. *********************** Jim carefully watched the man sitting across from him, and noticed a small sigh, one uttered in what seemed to be defeat. He thought he had noticed a glimmer of mischievousness in the blue eyes when they had met at outside the restaurant, but even that small spark seemed to have faded. He remembered how there used to always be just a twinkle of naughtiness that was a constant in those blue eyes. Now...nothing. Jim's heart went out to his friend. Bones was hurting, and Jim knew why. He couldn't help him find that spark again, but he knew someone who could. He knew Bones still had strong feelings for Sarek, and it had been quite obvious that Sarek felt the same, yet Jim was sure they had made no attempt to see each other. One thing about it, if nothing else, Bones' loyalty couldn't be denied, just as Sarek had been true to his word. Sure, McCoy still loved Spock, but their former bondmate was firmly ensconced at Gol, having no idea who they were. And Jim knew that all he would have to do is ask, and he'd find Bones beside him in bed. But Jim felt like he had nothing left inside to offer anyone these days. There was a single purpose that had taken over his soul, and it left no room for what they had before. Jim had resented Sarek's interest in this man who had been his lover, and yet he couldn't give Bones what he needed. He watched as his friend picked at the food on the plate. He decided this could not go on. He had no right to keep them apart. Jim put down his fork, placed his elbows on either side of his plate, and clasped his fists together. Taking a deep breath and looking over his hands, he asked, "Have you seen Sarek?" Bones looked up. Jim noticed the surprised look McCoy gave him, as he answered, "No, not me. Not since we were at his house on the day of the refusion. Why? Have you?" "No. He has been noticeably absent since that day. I think you should go see him." Leonard shook his head. "I don't think that's a good idea." "Why? You're closer to him than any of us. Maybe he can update you on Spock's condition." Jim shrugged, hoping it made it seem like a more natural request. Leonard laid down his fork and took another sip of the wine. "If you want an update on Spock, I can try to get information through some of the contacts I've made at the medical labs. I'd rather not go to Sarek." "I don't want a print-out on his condition, Bones. I want to know *how* he's doing. Only Sarek can give us that." "Then you go ask him," Bones clipped, harshly. Jim watched as Bones gently bit his bottom lip, and knew his reaction had been more extreme than he'd intended. Jim took it as a good sign. Obviously, there were still strong feelings there. Under Jim's scrutinizing eye, McCoy continued, this time a bit calmer. "Jim, on the day of the ritual, I made a fool of myself. I'd really rather not see him right now." Was it Jim's imagination that the blood seemed to rush to McCoy's face? No, he decided, it definitely wasn't his imagination. "Bones, on the day of the ritual, neither one of us was at our best. But I think you need to go talk to him." He was trying to keep it casual, but that was difficult with someone as stubborn as the man seated across from him. Leonard lowered his voice, seemingly so those few seated around them would not overhear. "Why are you pressuring me to go to Sarek? Why don't you go? What the hell has happened between the two of you, anyway? You haven't been able to say two civil words to him since this started. I can't go, Jim. You don't understand the situation." Sensing that if he pushed Bones any further, they were going to end up drawing attention to themselves. Therefore, he let the subject drop. Looking away, he raised his wine glass and took a long sip. For the remainder of the meal, they reverted back to nothing more controversial than small talk. Jim noticed that Bones' mood seemed to brighten once more. He knew that the doctor thought he had won this battle. He was wrong. He had only won the round, and the evening was still young. Chapter 16 Upon exiting the café, Jim turned toward Leonard, and asked, "You up for a walk?" "Sounds good," Bones replied. Trying not to be too obvious, Jim steered them down a side street, which he knew led to a park. He hoped that they could find a secluded area there where they could talk. The business district was generally quiet at this time of the day; as it was approaching that hour when most Vulcans took their evening meal and meditated. Jim slowed his pace, allowing his gaze to wander from the buildings they were passing to the man walking beside him. The one thing he didn't want to do was tip his hand. There were things he needed to say, and he didn't want Bones to bolt before he had the chance. It seemed that McCoy suspected nothing, and even appeared to relax, as he became more talkative. "At least it's cooled off a little," the doctor offered. "Why, it's probably no more than about ninety degrees, now. Course, that's using the old Fahrenheit scale. That's the scale we use 'ta use when talkin' about the weather when I was growing up. There was just somethin' about hearing that the temperature had dropped below the ninety degree mark that made it seem more...oh, I dunno, maybe more romantic somehow. Guess that's why I still don't like using the Celsius scale when discussin' the temperature." As they continued to walk side-by-side, Jim would glance occasionally at the man next to him. Jim watched the blue eyes as they stared off into the distance. "You know, if you threw in a few magnolia trees, maybe some of those big ol' oaks with Spanish moss hanging from them, then it'd just about feel like a summer's night at my grandmother's house in Southern Georgia. Air so thick you could almost cut it. You'd end up fanning yourself with whatever was handy. Anything just to keep a little wind movin'. It was the same house where my mother had grown up, and we'd go there every few weeks and stay the weekend. I remember back in the hot, humid summer evenings, we'd all gather on the porch and listen to the orchestra of crickets and katydids coming from the yard. Jeeze, I haven't thought about that in a long time." McCoy's voice faded off, and the far-away look on his friend's face told Jim that, for the moment, he was reliving those days of his childhood. After a few seconds, McCoy continued. "I loved goin' there. My sisters and I would wear ourselves out chasing lightning-bugs." He turned his head toward Jim. "Have you ever see lightning-bugs, Jim?" "A few, Bones. There were some on the farm, but not many," he whispered, softly. He didn't want to interrupt these memories that his friend was finding pleasure in. "Well, they were thick as thieves at my grandmother's," Leonard grinned. "At least, that's how I remember. Anyway, we'd finally tire of chasin' them and my sisters would go in the house, but not me. I stayed outside until I couldn't hold my eyes open any longer. Jim, there was an old porch swing that would squeak just a might with every pass. One of the few memories I have of my mother was sittin' with her in that old swing. When I got so sleepy that I couldn't hold my head up anymore, she'd turn me so I was lying with my head in her lap. She'd slow the swing down so we were barely movin'. Rocked me right to sleep. There was somethin' that felt so safe about those evenings..." His voice drifted off again. Jim felt a lump form in his throat, and he found he had to blink hard as he caught a glimpse of the man he had fallen in love with. All the stress seemed to disappear from McCoy's face. It was as if everything that Bones had gone through this last year; the mission to the outer rim, and the war that he and Sarek ended up in the middle of while they were there; not to mention the injuries that he had almost died from, vanished. Gone were the telltale signs of the nightmares that had haunted their blue-eyed lover in those weeks after their return. Nor was there any indication of the confusion created from the relationship that had been formed with Sarek before returning to San Francisco with his bondmates. And all that had transpired since, seemed to melt away from Bones' face as he remembered a simpler time. Jim wished with all his heart that he could take him in his arms and give him that feeling of being safe again. But he couldn't find that within himself, and he sure didn't have it to offer to anyone else. "Sounds great, Bones," Jim breathed. McCoy looked at Jim. "Sorry, didn't mean to start runnin' off at the mouth," he said with a grin. "It's okay, Bones," Jim sighed. Something inside of him wanted so much to pull Bones to him, kiss him, to feel those lips against his once more. But he couldn't. It wasn't fair to offer this man, this kind, gentle, beautiful man, the promise of something that could never be. That part of their lives had passed. Memories of what they once had still remained, yet Jim could only view those memories in what was lost, not what was shared. Jim knew the kindest thing would be to let go, before he hurt Bones any further. He was no good to his lover, or any of them now, at least not how things were at present. They had reached the edge of a small park. Jim sat down on a stone bench. Bones put one foot on it and propped his arms across his raised knee. "Jim, you're a man with somethin' on his mind. You wanna let me in on it?" Jim turned his head up and shielded his eyes with one hand against the intensity of the purple-red sunset. Taking a deep breath, Jim knew what he had to do. He also knew that before this night was over, he was going to end up hurting someone he loved very much. "Bones, back at the restaurant, you said I don't understand the situation. I understand a lot more than you think." Apparently exasperated when Jim wouldn't drop this topic, Leonard put his foot down and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Do you? Do you have any idea what it feels like to be so in love with you and Spock that it hurts, and even so, find that I still have feelings for Sarek? So much so, that I made a total jackass outta myself? Do you have any idea how that feels?" "Bones, you haven't done anything that..." Leonard cut him off. "You have no idea what I've done." "What, Bones? It couldn't have been that bad." "NO?" McCoy shot back. "Goddammit! This wasn't the way I pictured this evening goin'! And this sure wasn't somethin' that I wanted to tell you about! But you want to know the gory details? Fine! Right before the refusion ceremony, I grabbed Sarek by the shoulders and kissed him. And, well, it's obvious he's not interested, because I haven't heard a word from him since. Satisfied?" Leonard turned away. "He's interested, Bones. I think that may be obvious to everyone but you. But as for hearing from him, you won't. If you want to find out what there is between you, you'll have to go to him. I know for a fact that he will not come to you." Leonard turned back toward Jim, and asked, "And just how in the hell do you know that?" "He told me." "Told you? When? When did you discuss this with him?" "The night before we stole the Enterprise, Sarek came to our apartment. He had been under the assumption that I was the keeper of Spock's katra. Anyway, after we discovered that it was you, and that was the cause of the problems you were having, I told him that you still had feelings for him." "You told him, WHAT?" Leonard seethed. "How could you go behind my back like that? Jim, you had no right to do that!" His eyes were flashing, clearly showing the betrayal he was feeling. "Hold on, Bones," Jim tried to calm him. "He was concerned about you, we both were. During our discussion, I found out that he's...well...he's in love with you. But he made it clear that he wouldn't be the one that comes to you. He said he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize what we have." "And just what do we have? I've kind'a been wondering that myself, lately." "I wish I could tell you that everything would be just like it was. But the fact is, right now, I don't know what I want." Jim turned away, shaking his head. "I'm numb, I guess. A lot has happened that I'm going to have to deal with--alone. Bones, I can't guarantee that I will ever be able to find my way back to the way it was before." Yes, it was only a part of what was going on with him, but it was all Bones needed to know, for now. "I get the idea that this is some kind of punishment for the way I was acting before the refusion. I can keep telling you I'm sorry, but the fact is that I couldn't help what was goin' on. Having Spock's katra in me really screwed me up." Jim turned his gaze back to the man who had been his lover. "Bones, believe me when I tell you I'm not trying to punish you. Hell, if anything, I think I can better understand what you were going through." "Jim, you've seen me through a hell of a lot. I'll wait until you're ready, I don't care how long that takes." Jim raised his hand as if to brush away McCoy's promise. "Please, Bones...don't. As angry as I was at Sarek for caring for you, I don't want you waiting around for something that may never happen. I...I don't want anyone depending on me right now. Not like that. And you need to find out what there is between the two of you." McCoy grasped Jim by the upper arm. "Jim, I'm never gonna find what we've had with anyone else. But even if what you say is true, there's a lot more involved here than just us. I don't know if you're gettin' the full picture here, but Sarek's married. Amanda just may have somethin' to say about me showing up on her doorstep and declarin' my intentions for her husband!" "Bones, Amanda isn't living on Vulcan any longer. She left Sarek. She moved back to Earth just after the news about Spock's death." "Left him?" McCoy gasped, his blue eyes wide with shock. "Why?" "I don't know all of the details, but Sarek told me that she had been unable to accept what went on between the two of you. I guess when she got the news about Spock's death, it was the final straw." Leonard turned around and paced a few steps before he responded. Jim watched him carefully. He was shaking his head, as if all the pieces were beginning to fall into place. Turning back around, his voice having the tone of disbelief, McCoy asked, "That's what's been going on between the two of you, isn't it? Some kind of power play, with me at the center. Nice of you to let me in on it! Why not just barter for me?" "I was wrong, Bones. I shouldn't have stood in the way of the two of you." "Don't you think I have anything to say about this? My God, man! Not only did I betray you and Spock, but I find out that Amanda's left Sarek because of what happened between us. On top of that, Spock doesn't remember who the hell we are, and you've decided that what we meant to each other for all these years isn't worth a hill of beans!" He dropped his head and his voice softened. "How can you expect me to just give up on what we had? What the three of us had? How can you give up?" Jim could no longer meet that gaze. He dropped his head and stared at his hands. "Bones, it's not a case of giving up, but of moving on. I'm not trying to diminish what we meant to each other. What we had together will always be a very important time in my life. But I have to get past Spock, David, the Enterprise, Starfleet, and now...you. I have to accept what's happened." Jim stood up and walked to Leonard who had turned away from him. He placed his hands on the still thin shoulders. "Bones, what we had with Spock is gone, probably forever. Beyond all else, I'm still your friend, and hope you will always think of me in that way. But let go of what we had. That life doesn't exist any longer." Leonard turned around, and they were close, so close. "Jim..." Bones whispered. It was almost a plea. "Go, Bones. You deserve a chance for more. I can't give it to you. Go...just go." With his hands on his shoulders, Jim shook Bones slightly. He had to get him to believe he didn't care anymore. He saw the hurt in the blue eyes and he wanted to pull Bones to him and tell him he didn't mean it. But that would only get them through tonight. There would always be tomorrow and, in the light of day, Jim had no idea what the future held. But he was certain that there had to be a clean break with the past. Besides, if the plan he had in mind worked, they would be separated anyway. It was better now than to have to go through this again in the near future. Bones would have to find comfort either within himself or with the other one. The decision was now his alone. ************************ Leonard searched the eyes that he had looked to for so many years. He had loved this man for so long, he couldn't remember how not to desire him. The hands on his shoulders seemed so right, so warm and protective. He had found refuge in this man's arms for years, along with their bondmate. But as hard as he wanted to deny it, something inside of him knew that Jim was right. Not about Sarek; he knew that whatever was discussed between Sarek and Jim was of little consequence. He still had some control over his own destiny, as much as any of them did while stranded on this planet. Whatever they once had together was over. Maybe it *was* because the bond they shared through Spock was gone. But the 'why' no longer seemed important. He brought a hand up and brushed back a small, stubborn lock of golden-brown hair that had always insisted on falling over Jim's forehead. "I've had all I ever wanted. If it turns out that that's all there is, then I'm still glad we had our time together. It was a hell of a ride!" He forced a smile even though he could feel his eyes beginning to sting. "Jim..." his smile faded, "what's it going to take for you to find contentment? What are you going to do?" Jim's hands dropped from Leonard's shoulders. "I really don't think beyond today anymore. But if I can concentrate on the present, then I can find a reason to keep going." "You know, I'm not going anywhere. Hell, right now none of us are. I'll be there if you need someone to talk to." "I know, but right now I can't even tell you what I need. Somewhere along the way, long before Khan, I lost myself. I just need time to see if I can find that part of me again." "Jim..." Bones said, but there was nothing else to be said. Jim turned away from him, and said, "Bones, I'm going to transfer my gear to the ship. It's where I spend most of my time, anyway, and I think it would be best. And there are some ideas I have about gaining information from the computer banks. I'd like to be there to work on them." The finality of the voice was clear. There was no room for him in this man's heart. It was a realization that hit Leonard hard. For the first time since the refusion, he realized that even though he could never stop loving this man, the life they had forged together was a part of the past. There had just been too much that had happened to be able to go back to the simplicity of the relationship they had enjoyed before. He almost smiled. It wasn't until now that he understood just how simple the life they had shared had been. He had loved two men with a depth that he had never thought possible. For that, he would always be grateful. He doubted that many ever found the completeness that he had felt in these last years. "Sure, Jim...sure." Jim didn't even look his way as he said, "Good night, Bones. Thanks for dinner." The other man paused, and then said, "I better get back to the ship." "Good night, Jim," Leonard managed, his voice choking. Bones watched as the man who had been so much a part of him walked away. He looked toward the sky in an attempt to blink back the tears that stung his eyes. It didn't work. The sun had dipped just below the horizon and he looked toward the purple-orange glow. How had this happened? How did three men who had completed each other so, had been so connected to each other, become such three separate entities? With a trembling hand, Leonard reached for his shirt and gathered a clump of material in the center of his chest as he remembered the medallion that used to hang there. Three gold, interlocking circles. He sat down on the bench and slumped over. Giving up on stopping his tears, he allowed them to flow. He watched as the drops fell from his eyes and cheeks onto the sandy ground where they were quickly absorbed. After a while, Leonard composed himself, somewhat, and rubbed his eyes and cheeks with his fingers. He stood up and looked toward the direction where Jim had left the park. Clearing his throat, he said, "In the words of a certain admiral--I swear to you, we're not finished yet." Leonard turned and left the park in the opposite direction. <Finis> |