| Chapter 17 Jim watched the hands as they trembled around the glass his friend clutched. He didn’t know what to say. He’d been a fool. Bones looked up from the glass. “That’s it, Jim. That’s all of the planning that went into this. Spock was just trying to sort out whether or not he should let you know his feelings for you, for us. There was never a game being played! Hell, I don’t even know for sure if Spock and I would’ve had a relationship, beyond that one kiss, that you weren’t included in. Never had time to find out.” “Bones, I’m sorry, I didn’t know. And, I sure as hell didn’t want to stick around long enough to understand.” “Why, Jim? What happened that evening that pissed you off so bad that you wouldn’t even talk to us. I mean, even if Spock and I had something going on, we were close enough to talk about everything during those years.” Jim leaned forward. “Were we? Seems to me that we spent the biggest part of those years avoiding what was really important. And I sure wasn’t honest with either one of you. No, Bones, not everything.” There was still much more he was keeping from McCoy. Was there ever going to be a time when he could tell him everything? “Let’s just say I felt like the choice had been ripped from me. With the mission ending, and Starfleet up to something, I felt like I was losing any control I had on my professional life. And, with what happened that night, I felt stripped of any control in my personal life. I couldn’t face giving that up. Not again.” Jim watched as Leonard nodded his understanding, stood up, sat his glass on the table and reached for his jacket. “You’re right. I’d never thought about it, but I guess we never were all that honest with each other. I’m sorry, Jim. Look, I’ll leave...leave you alone. I never meant to hurt you. And I know Spock didn’t either.” Jim spoke quickly as he stood up and turned to face the man. “Bones, don’t go.” The voice came as a plea. “I meant what I said on the ship, I need you. I need both of you. I don’t know exactly what that’s going to mean for us in the future, but I’m as sure of that now as I’ve been about anything in these last seven years.” Leonard breathed a sigh of relief and tossed his jacket back on the chair. “Jim, I don’t know where we go from here either. But I think we need to talk to Spock. He needs to understand what happened that night. I don’t know exactly why he gave up the Kolinahr, but I’ve gotta believe it was more than that machine calling out to him.” “Have you heard what his plans are? I haven’t talked to him since we got back.” “No, haven’t heard a thing. But he didn’t exactly fill me in on his plans before, either. How about you, Jim? What are your plans?” Jim emitted a chuckle devoid of all humor, as he replied, “Funny, I was just contemplating that when you showed up. I’m still an admiral, Bones. The grade reduction to captain was only temporary. I’m still Chief of Starfleet Operations. Finally, I realize that from this position I can make a difference. I know whatever happens, I’m through being Komack’s patsy. I think Nogura will be more than willing to let me get involved with the real issues that will lead this program into the future. I have the capability to do that. Can you understand that, Bones?” “Yeah, but you know what I’ve believed all along. Jim, can you really be happy if you’re not up there?” he asked, pointing to the sky with his thumb. “I don’t know, maybe not. I haven’t really given myself time to find out in these last years. But I have to try to make the best of this.” “So, what are we going to do about Spock?” Jim shook his head and shrugged. “I guess I’m going to ask him to come here tomorrow night. Do you want to be here?” “I think this is where I came in! Yeah, I’ll come. What time?” “Let me get in touch with Spock tomorrow and I’ll let you know then. He may not be willing to come at all. Bones, what you don’t realize is that before he left Starfleet we had a discussion. He referred to what had gone on between us as ‘a flaw in judgment’. He may not be interested in even a social relationship with me, or us.” “Jim, I don’t know if I get the whole picture, but from what I saw in sickbay a few days ago, that man still loves you.” “That could have been just an affect of the meld with V’ger. He showed no signs of any interest in the days since. But, I have to say, I haven’t exactly given him any reason to.” Jim looked back at Leonard. He wanted to go to him and wrap his arms around the compact form to both offer and find comfort. ‘I don’t even know how to approach him regarding a relationship between the two of us,’ Jim though to himself. But he knew that this was not the time. “What about you, Bones?” They had wandered to the alcove that held the fireplace. Jim leaned an arm on the mantel, swirling the liquid in the glass with his free hand, his foot propped on the hearth. Leonard had seated himself sideways on one of the chaise lounges. “You said you’re staying active in Starfleet, but does that mean taking an assignment, or are you returning to the New Consolidated Middle Alliance?” “Actually, I met with HQ this morning,” the doctor’s mood brightening a little. “It looks like I’ll be staying on here. The only work I have left is writing the papers that will be published, and Starfleet gave me the go ahead to write them while keeping my commission active. So, I’ll be staying on here in San Francisco. At least for the next couple of years.” “Bones, That’s great! I can’t tell you how much it means that you’ll be sticking around.” It was the first time in years that Leonard had seen that ‘Kirk’ smile. It was a great thing to see. The next minutes were pregnant with silence. It was as if they had run out of things to say to each other. All that was left was the unspoken, and neither was willing to broach those delicate subjects. “Well, listen, I really better go,” Leonard said as he stood up. “I’ve gotta find a place of my own tomorrow. I sure can’t stay in the dormitory. These young kids make me nervous! Just leave me a message about tomorrow. And Jim, if you decide you should just talk to him one-on-one, I’ll understand.” McCoy headed for the door. Jim walked him to the entrance. He placed his arm around Leonard’s shoulders, “Bones, whatever happens, I just want you to know...” he stopped, lost for words. Wanting to tell this man he loved him, but still afraid to let the words leave his lips. “I know, Jim, I know.” Bones looked at him, and just for a moment it seemed they would kiss, but the moment passed. “Everything will be fine,” he reassured. He keyed the lift open, and Jim watched him till the door slid shut. Chapter 18 Spock had completed his briefing with Headmaster Yow, of Starfleet Academy. “Commander Spock, we were very pleased to discover that you would be interested in chairing the science department. It is indeed rare to find a candidate of such high caliber to fill these positions,” Commander Yow was stating. “Thank you, Commander. I, too, was pleased to discover that this position would be offered to me. I look forward to contributing all I can.” “Wonderful! We will look forward to seeing you here on a permanent basis. Have you had a chance to view your residence? Is all adequate?” “Quite adequate, Commander. I will arrange for my transfer from the dormitory.” With that, Spock walked across the grounds of the campus to the building where he had been temporarily assigned. Accessing his suite, he realized that there was little to arrange transportation for. Taking inventory of his belongings, there was very little here that was not Starfleet issue. Other than the black traveling outfit he had worn the day he reported to the Enterprise, a fire pot, and the medallion he had brought from Gol, nothing else would give an outsider any clue as to whose rooms these were. The comm unit beeped. He pushed ‘receive’ and the face of James Kirk appeared on the screen. “Admiral Kirk,” he stated, acknowledging the caller. “Spock. How is everything going? I received word that you’re considering a position at Starfleet Academy. Have I heard right?” Jim studied the face on the screen. There was no indication of emotion of any kind. “Actually, Admiral, I have accepted the position. I will be reporting to school at the beginning of the week.” “As headmaster of the science department, if understood correctly.” “That is correct, Admiral.” “Spock, that’s great! I know they’re fortunate to get you. I’m preparing dinner this evening. I would like you to join me if you have no other plans for the night.” “No, I have no other plans. I appreciate the invitation. What time would you like me to arrive?” “Let’s say 1900 hours.” Jim paused for a moment and then added, “Spock, I want you to know that I’ve also invited Leonard McCoy. I hope you don’t have a problem with that.” “Problem, Admiral?” “What I’m saying, Spock, is that I hope you don’t mind spending the evening with the two of us.” “No, I do not believe that will cause me undue concern. I will see you at 1900 hours.” The thought of being alone with these men caused his gut to tighten but his controls were kept firmly in place. “Good, Spock. See you then.” The comm unit went blank. Jim had known the man on the other end of that conservation for seven years, and in all those years he had never heard him so emotionless. Even when Spock was at his most “Vulcan” he had been quite animated. It was amazing what that man could do with just an eyebrow! He called Leonard McCoy and advised him that dinner was on at his place at 1900 hours. “I told him you would be coming, too.” Jim said. “I didn’t want him to get the feeling we were ambushing him.” McCoy took the well-intended point. “See ya at seven o’clock, Jim.” He hated military time. ‘It’s gonna be a bumpy ride!’ he thought to himself as the communication link closed. Jim had prepared a vegetarian meal that consisted mainly of eggplant and cheeses. It would be covered in an Italian sauce he made with fresh basil and oregano. ‘Absolutely no ginseng or cinnamon in sight!’ he thought to himself. The smells coming from the kitchen were very tempting. He had decanted one bottle of French Café de Nuits, a robust burgundy, and had another ready to open. He surveyed the apartment; everything seemed in order. The door signal sounded. ‘It’s show time!’ he thought. He keyed the access and walked to the entry. When the door opened and he saw Spock standing there, his heart jumped. Spock was wearing the black outfit he had worn the day he appeared on the bridge of the Enterprise. The sight of him took Jim’s breath away. “Come on in, Spock,” he said as he stepped aside to allow him to enter. “Good evening, Admiral. I hope I am on time.” Jim knew he could set his watch by Spock. “Of course, come on into the main room. Dr. McCoy isn’t here yet, but I’m sure he’ll be joining us shortly. A glass of wine?” “Yes, thank you,” Spock nodded as he removed the black cape and hung it in the closet in the foyer. Jim poured two glasses of wine and, as Spock entered the room, he handed one to him. He indicated the couch and said, “Have a seat Spock. Did you get settled into your new quarters today?” “Thank you,” Spock sat on the couch. “Yes, everything seems in order.” “The new term will be starting soon?” “In ten days. However, until then, I will be reviewing curriculum and staff assignments.” “Why did you decide to take the position at Starfleet Academy?” Jim was searching to find topics to fill the conversation, but with this question Spock had a glimmer of emotion, at least compared with the stoic behavior he had displayed recently. Jim continued, “I know your mother is a teacher, did that play a roll in your decision?” Before Spock could answer, the door signal sounded. “That’ll be Bones. Please, excuse me a moment,” Jim said. He got up and ushered McCoy into the apartment. “Well, hello, Spock! I haven’t seen you since we got back! How are things going?” McCoy was smiling ear-to-ear. Spock was not. “Quite well, Doctor, and you?” Spock asked, formally. Jim poured McCoy a glass of wine. “Spock’s taken a position with Starfleet Academy. Spock, perhaps you could bring Leonard up to date while I finish up dinner.” He left the two men in the room, discussing their career choices while he put the finishing touches on the meal. Jim just stood for a moment in the kitchen catching his breath. Having the three of them here, together, was sending his emotions into overload. When he had calmed down he finished preparing the plates. When Jim brought the plates in and placed them at the table they got up and went to the table. Jim indicated for each to have a seat. “Would you care to drink the wine, or would either of you prefer a cup of tea?” “This is fine, Jim,” McCoy answered. “Yes, this will be satisfactory,” agreed Spock. Dinner progressed with each talking about the mission they had just finished, as well as their individual plans. All had decided to stay with Starfleet, and all were to be stationed in San Francisco. Of course they would all be in different areas of service, but Jim found it comforting that they were, once again, growing close. Tonight, the embers of friendship that the three of them had shared seemed to be glowing again. Even Spock had become noticeably more animated over the meal. Once they had finished eating, Jim suggested that they move back to the main room. Rising from his seat, Spock picked up two plates and headed toward the kitchen. “Just leave it, Spock, I’ll throw all of that in the recycler later.” “I do not mind,” the Vulcan answered as he proceeded to carry his and McCoy’s plates to the kitchen. Jim picked up his and followed. The kitchen was set up in galley style to allow one person easy access to both the work surfaces and the cooking area. However, it did not allow for easy passage should there be more than one in the small room. When Spock sat the plates on the counter and turned around, Jim found that they were standing chest to chest. They stood there for a moment just looking at each other. Jim was unsure about Spock, but he was certain that during that brief time he forgot to breathe. When Jim turned to the side to set his plate down, Spock slipped past him, their bodies briefly brushing together. With just that brief contact, Jim felt a shiver of emotion run through him. It was the same feeling he got when Spock had gripped his hand in sickbay. When he turned back, Spock was gone. Collecting himself, he proceeded to the main room. Leonard had already opened the liquor cabinet and poured each some brandy. McCoy handed each a snifter as they entered the room. Spock reclaimed the place on the sofa where he had sat prior to the meal, while McCoy took one chair and Jim sat in the other. Jim perched on the edge of the chair holding the glass of brandy with both hands and looked directly at Spock. “You didn’t have a chance to tell me why you accepted a position with the academy. May I ask you why?” The thought ran through Spock’s mind that he could not lie to this man. However, the truth was not wise either. “I felt it was where I could put my experience to the most good for all,” he replied. Not a lie, just an omission. “Spock...” Jim hesitated. “Do you mind if I ask you some rather personal questions? I don’t want to do anything that will cause you to go away again. But...there are things...from the past, that I would like to discuss.” Those were the hardest words he had ever had to say to Spock. He was afraid of the response, unable to conceive of life without this man as his friend. “Admiral, you, either of you, may ask anything you wish. I will do my best to respond. I have no intention of leaving.” Leonard sat there just watching them. If there had been an electric meter in this room, the amount of emotionally charged static electricity would have been off the scale. He could feel the hair on his neck standing up. He knew what he wanted, what he needed. It was all in the hands of the men in front of him. So he sat, watched, and listened. “Spock, first I want to apologize to you for my actions during the last days of the original mission. Bones told me about the discussion the two of you had. I’ve always had a predilection toward jumping to conclusions where personal relationships are concerned. It’s something I learned early in life. But the fact is, I was feeling much more than just coerced by you, but by Starfleet as well. I denied it to myself at the time, but I had known for weeks that they had something else in mind other than an assignment to another ship.” “Jim, it is I who owes you an apology. I should never have let my emotions take over. It was a flaw in my judgment that caused the situation. Had I never approached either of you regarding my inability to control these emotions, all would have been well. I have taken steps these last years to assist me in the understanding of this deficit in hopes that it will no longer be a factor in our relationship.” “Is that what you meant by a ‘flaw in judgment’ Spock? Your inability to hide your emotions? Is that what you think?” Relief flooded Jim’s body as he realized that Spock saw the inability to control his emotions as the flaw! “Do you really believe that to ignore your feelings will make everything fine? I hate to differ with you, my friend, but I see you as the only one of us who had the courage to address what we were all feeling.” Spock looked at McCoy who saluted his glass in agreement with what Jim had said. Spock looked between the two men. There was something much greater than a misunderstanding that had driven Jim from his room that evening. Steeling his courage, Spock asked, “Jim, in the commons on the last afternoon, you said you had found your answers. Have you found that which you were seeking?” Jim looked down at the floor and swirled the liquid in the glass. “My answers? I think I have just recently realized the questions.” Bones leaned forward, unable to be silent any longer. “What are the questions you’ve had, Jim?” Kirk took a sip of the brandy, and a long breath. “Whether or not I am willing, or for that matter able, to function productively as Chief of Operations, if I could still command if I was called upon to do so, and if I’m stronger with the two of you at my side than in your absence. Now I know the answers to those. Yes. Yes, to all. However, whether or not I can stop being afraid of losing myself, my control, to another... I don’t know. I don’t know that I could ever face that happening again.” “What do you mean, again? Hell, Jim, I’ve never met anyone as in control as you’ve always been. You’ve always known exactly what you wanted and gone after it with both barrels! Why is control such an issue with you?” Jim’s gaze slid from Leonard to Spock where he was met with an arched eyebrow. They both deserved an answer, but how could he explain. He rose from the chair and walked to the window. This time, he only saw the images of the men seated behind him reflected in the glass. And both were waiting for him to offer an explanation that he, himself, found hard to face. How could he tell them of that time? Even these men, who were as much a part of him as his own arms and legs could surely not understand what had happened so many years before. Then he looked at his own reflection. Much the same as he had seen in the mirror days before, he saw a man who was alone. And he knew if he wasn’t honest about this demon that haunted him, he was forever dooming himself live a life filled with nothing but solitude. There were only two he would ever entrust this story to. Both were sitting patiently, waiting. “Because I gave up all of myself to another a very long time ago. On that night in your cabin, I had those same feelings toward the two of you, and it scared the hell out of me.” Chapter 19 He took a deep breath and turned to face the men in the room. “What do you know about the events on Tarsus IV?” Bones shrugged, “Only what you told us when we came across Anton Karidian and his daughter, Lenore. Turns out, he was actually Kodos the Executioner, and Lenore had made it her mission to kill anyone who could identify him. As far as the events of Tarsus IV goes, I know very little. I know that Kodos ordered the extermination of thousands and there were only a handful of people who’d ever seen him close enough to be able to identify him. You, Jim, were one of them. You must’ve been about thirteen at the time, but I never knew what you were doing on that planet when that was going on. I’ll admit, I tried to pull the records, but they’d been sealed and it would’ve taken a clearance higher than mine to view them. After that, I dropped it. I assumed if you ever wanted to talk about it, you would.” Spock nodded in agreement. “I did access the records, and the only additional information included in it was the names of those who had been witness to the executions. Of those, only yourself and Ensign Kevin Riley survived Lenore Karidian’s quest to protect her father’s true identity.” McCoy sat up straight in the chair. “Jim, is that what all of this is about? Does it have something to do with what happened to you back then?” “Yes,” Jim nodded, “then, and later. Even the records wouldn’t have helped. No one knows the whole story. I guess you’ve realized that my relationship with my father had never been a close one. He always thought our mother pampered Sam and I too much. Especially me, being the youngest and there not being any possibility of other children after I was born. He may have been right. Hell, there wasn’t a dammed thing that we could do that was wrong in her eyes, and we were hellions! “We had both attended the local schools, and since I wouldn’t hear of Sam going without me, I had completed all the courses for graduation by the time I was thirteen. It all came very easy to me, too easily, I guess. Anyway, Sam and I graduated in the same class. “Right after graduation, my father announced that Sam had been accepted to the Starfleet Academy School of Sciences and would be leaving at the end of the week. He had always thought that was the only direction for either of us. Family tradition and all of that, you understand. Well, since Sam was off to the academy and I didn’t meet the age requirements, he told us that a friend of his had arranged for me to go to the Tarsus IV colony. While there, I would be tutored in quantum mathematics and flight principles, all to get me ready to enter the same program two years later. “Mother insisted, against my father’s wishes, that she would not allow my going alone. After several days of loud arguments, she and I met the man who would transport us to Tarsus. Wynona Kirk was not one to be told what she could and could not do.” A small smile slid across Jim’s lips, but just as quickly, it disappeared. “The trip itself took several weeks, but during the journey, the man escorting us taught me a lot about the operation of a ship. It piqued my interest, but I was still certain that this wasn’t the life for me. Upon arriving on Tarsus IV, we were introduced to the Leightons’. Tom’s father was one of the finest minds in the galaxy and he took me under his wing and set me on the path to the stars. Mother stayed in one of the settlements located several kilometers away. “Oh sure, I spent the first few weeks missing Sam, and the life we had lived on the farm. I didn’t want to spend my life in Starfleet. I wanted to breed horses and raise hay. At that point in my life, the only thing the stars meant to me was that they kept my father away, along with his demands. Something, at the time, I was grateful for. But after working with Dr. Leighton for a few weeks, I was hooked. I read everything I could get my hands on about space travel and the new planets that were being discovered with the expansion into the Beta quadrant.” Jim took a sip from the glass and sat it on the table beside the chair he had occupied earlier. It had been a long time since he had allowed himself to revisit these old wounds. With a deep breath, he continued. “During our sixth month on Tarsus, just before my fourteenth birthday, the rumors began about the food stores becoming depleted. Most didn’t believe it was serious. After all, there were transports on the way. But Kodos and a handful of colonists revolted and instituted their own warped sense of survival. Execution of those they considered the least valued members of the colony soon began. Travel either between the settlements or off the planet was forbidden. Dr. Leighton had warned me that travel was dangerous, but on the evening before my birthday I left to try to get to the settlement where my mother was staying. “The roads were blocked, and before daybreak I had to turn back. Hiding in the brush, I watched as a whole colony got hacked to death when they clashed with a band of Kodos’ revolutionaries. It wasn’t until then that I realized just how serious the situation had become. When I finally got back to the Leighton’s, they were gone. It wasn’t until years later that I discovered Tom had been the only member of his family to survive. I never asked him how. With the horrors I saw later, I didn’t want to know.” Jim shoved his hands in the pockets of his trousers; it seemed the only way to stop the tremor in his hands. “It took nearly another month of hiding and scavenging to get to the settlement where my mother had been staying. When I got there, her place had been torn apart and she was gone. I asked around to find out what had happened, and discovered that, as a noncontributing member of the settlement, she had been taken by one of Governor Kodos’ soldiers. I located one of the local authorities, but when I realized that I, too, was going to be taken into custody, I ran. “The next weeks were spent hiding out, listening and asking questions of only those I thought I could trust, trying to find the destination where my mother had been taken. Eventually, I did find her...” He paused; reliving the scene he had witnessed on that day. When he thought he could trust his voice to be steady, he continued. “...but there was little left of the woman who had raised me. She was dirty, raped and starved. She, along with several other females, had been taken from the extermination fields and into...into a back alley room controlled by one of the movement’s commissioners. “Held prisoner there, she was forced to submit to the soldiers.” He squeezed his eyes shut then opened them. He had not spoken of this in over twenty five years, and found the pain was no less now. “When she finally recognized me, she told me to go to the friend of my father’s who had transported us to Tarsus. She was certain that he was on the planet because he had come to her the day before her arrest trying to get her to leave. But she had refused; not believing the rumors could be true. And...although she didn’t say so...I’m sure she didn’t want to leave without me.” Jim felt frustrated. He only wanted to supply these men with the information regarding that time. But his voice kept betraying his deep emotions. “ With her last breath, she demanded ‘Find him.’ It was...the last thing she would ever say.” His voice cracked, but he was determined to get through this. “I heard people approaching, so I left her there, on that filthy cot...dead.” Jim looked over to Spock, avoiding McCoy’s eyes. He knew if he were going to find the strength to continue, it would not be in the emotions of Leonard, but in the stoic face of this Vulcan friend. Spock did not disappoint him. “Two men entered the room and I managed to hide behind a stack of crates just in time. One, Kodos, ordered the other to clean up the mess and return the living women to the extermination fields and do away with the bodies of the rest. He shouted that if the commissioner took any others for his own profit, he would be the next to feel the power of the generators. Then, in the process of surveying the room, Kodos spotted me. But before either one of them could get a good grip on me, I got away. Of those two men, the commissioner I would see slashed to death in the streets. The other, I didn’t see again until Karadian came to be on the Enterprise.” Spock sat stone faced with his veneer firmly in place, except for the vein that bulged on the side of his neck. When Jim finally dared a look toward Leonard, wide blue eyes were staring at him, the color nearly drained from his face. “Jesus Christ! Jim! I’m…so sorry. I never knew,” Bones uttered, almost in disbelief. Jim shook his head and waived his hand. “That, I have been able to deal with,” he said, but not for a second did he believe it. And one look told him that his words weren’t convincing his very human, very emotional friend. “Eventually, I found the man my mother had told me to go to. By the time I showed up on his doorstep, I was near death myself. He had been expecting me. Through some of the informants, he had already heard there had been a woman found dead from abuse, a wife of a Starfleet officer, and that she had a son who was hiding on the planet. Kodos was demanding that I be turned over. So, there was a price on my head. Anyone who was caught helping me knew what would happen to them, Starfleet officer or not. “But, he never hesitated. Over the next months he fed me, when food could be found, clothed me, and used all of his power to protect me against those who wanted me killed. The transports did arrive, and before we left the planet, he found the man who had kidnapped my mother. Without so much as a second thought, he slashed the assailant’s throat. Seeing the animal who had held her in that filthy hole, lying in the street, his blood oozing from him, did a lot to start the healing process. The other, the leader of the movement, Kodos, had disappeared and was reported dead.” Jim stopped. The pain in those hazel eyes, excruciating hurt that they could only imagine, was obvious to the men seated in the room as Jim remembered those days. He was, for this moment, reliving the horror of more than twenty-seven years before. “That is not all, is it?” Spock asked, bringing Jim back to the present. Jim shook his head, and whispered, “No, it’s not.” Clearing his throat, he turned back to the window. He could not face them, not if he was going to tell them all that happened. “You have to understand, he was everything to me. He was the father who I had never really known, the mother who was dead, and the friend who I had never had in anyone except my brother. He was risking everything to protect me. “At first I was just numb. But once it was all over and the realization of what happened hit me, I was inconsolable. He held me against him every night until I had cried myself to sleep. Safeguarding me. He taught me to be strong; to live for what would come and not for what was in the past. Every night he continued to hold me, and over those next months, he taught me what it was like to lay with a lover and give all of myself, my mind, my will, and my body, to another. He took me, a fourteen-year-old boy, to his bed and, in turn, rescued me from the horrors I had witnessed on that damned planet.” Jim heard a sharp intake of air from behind him, but if he turned to them now, he would never finish. Ignoring the sound, he continued, “He brought me back to Earth and, with the aid of Mallory, arranged for an exception to be made so I could be enrolled in Starfleet and be with Sam. But it never was the same between my brother and me after I came back. Sam and I were so different by that time. He seemed to get over our mother’s death much quicker that I had, but he hadn’t been there to see what had happened to her, or to watch her die. In later years, he told me that after that, I had always seemed much older than he. Maybe he was right. “But, for more than two years after returning me to Earth, this man was a mentor to me. All of my weekends and breaks were spent with him, on rare occasions his family would join us, but it was usually just the two of us, and all that that implies. When I was seventeen, he was given command of a ship and left San Francisco. It took a while, but eventually I could see him for what he had really been to me. Yes, he had saved my life and set me on a path that, till this day, I’m grateful for. However, by letting him control me, I paid dearly. I paid him with what was left of my youth.” Leaning forward in his chair, Leonard balled his fingers together so tightly that his knuckles became white. He placed his forehead against his fists and closed his eyes. After swallowing the lump of anguish and anger that had formed in his throat, he looked up toward the man standing before the dark window. When he could trust his voice not to break, he asked, “Jim, what happened to him? Is he still in Starfleet?” Jim turned to face them. He felt sorry for the anguish he had brought to both the warm, blue eyes, and the deep brown ones that even the Vulcan facade could no longer hide. But knew he had done the right thing, maybe for the first time in many years. Jim shook his head. “No, he died several years ago.” “You are, of course, speaking of Commodore Matt Decker,” Spock said through a clenched jaw. Chapter 20 Jim walked to the table beside the chair and retrieved the glass of brandy, tossing the rest of the amber liquid down his throat. Spock knowing that the identity of the man was Matt, made him very uncomfortable. Bones had stood up and paced the distance to the dining area. At this, he turned back toward Jim and Spock, and asked, “You knew? How? Jim, is he right? Was it Matt Decker?” “Spock, how did you know? You haven’t heard this elsewhere, have you?” There was a hint of panic in Jim’s voice that he couldn’t disguise. This was something he had spent his life hiding from others. Spock shook his head. “No, Jim, I have heard this from no one. It is a matter of simple observation. In the many years we served together, there was only one individual who seemed to feel he had the right to demand your obedience in the way Commodore Decker attempted it. He seemed quite taken aback that you were not willing to become subservient to him. It was as if your capability to assert yourself came as a shock to him. At the time, I suspected that there had been an intimate relationship. And, in part, I believe his lack of control over you was his undoing.” Jim looked down at his hands and realized his knuckles were clenched tight. “You may be right,” he said barely above a whisper. “The one thing I never thought to tell him, was ‘no’.” “That’s the son-of-a-bitch who raped you?” McCoy breathed. Rape? Matt had never forced him against his will. “Bones, he never raped me. What I gave to him, what he took from me, I gave freely. And, even though it was the one lesson Matt hoped I would never learn, he was the one who taught me long ago to never, never again, give up control to anyone. It’s a lesson I seem to keep forgetting.” “Didn’t rape you? You were little more than a child, for God’s sake! He coerced you into his bed! He molested you! Where was your father during this?” “Believe me Bones, after all I’d seen, I was certainly not a child. And no one knew about the horrors that were happening on Tarsus until it was over. My father never accepted the death of my mother, or, I think, the guilt he carried for our being there. Sam and I saw very little of him after that. He was killed in an accident in my freshman year. We never had a chance to discuss anything that had happened, either on Tarsus, or between Matt and myself.” “You couldn’t go to anyone about what was happening with Decker?” “Go to someone and admit what I had allowed for so long? Not a chance. Sam suspected and asked me if I was letting Decker fuck me, but I belted him. The subject never came up again. At the time, I saw no need to do anything but hide what we were doing. I knew very well what was going to happen between us when we were alone. Was he wrong? No doubt. But I chose to give him all that I was. After that, I swore to never give that much of myself again. And then…” he shrugged. “You felt as if we had once again stripped away your control,” Spock said. Jim nodded, for the first time since starting the story, as hint of a smile appeared on his face. “Yeah, for the first time since I was sixteen years old, I had that same feeling of wanting to give you all that I was. And, because I was running from old demons, I threw away something that could have been good for all of us.” “Jim,” Bones said softly as he walked back to the living room and, tucking one leg beneath him, seated himself on the sofa beside Spock, “you may not have been a child, but you were young and having to face more horror than most adults ever have to face in a lifetime. He took advantage of that. What you did afterwards, what you became after those years, is a testament to your strength.” Jim swept both men with his gaze. How could he have ever believed these men would attempt to control him in the same way Decker had for so long? No, what he wanted to give to them, he would give with pleasure. It was no more than they were willing to give back. He looked toward Spock. The face was hardened and the eyes were dark. “Spock?” The eyes turned to him. “Yes, Jim.” “Tell me what you’re feeling.” “Intense anger. As a Vulcan, I do not believe in violence. However, had I known this when I had him in my presence, I believe I would have had the propensity to cause him great harm.” “Spock, Bones, I’ve been able to leave this in the past. I think, in part, because of the two of you and what you mean to me. I decided early on that I couldn’t let him win. I couldn’t let him control me for the rest of my life. I want you, both of you, here with me. I’m stronger with you than without you. But I need to know you can get past this. That Matt Decker’s reach will not extend into what we have with each other. That his power over us has ended. You needed to understand why I worked so hard to push you out of my life and why I couldn’t ask you to stay, not then. And, to know how sorry I am for hurting both of you.” Spock nodded and straightened. “Jim, had the day I left for Vulcan gone differently, it would not have mattered. I would not have been able to stay, even if you had asked.” “Why, Spock?” Jim asked. “I had allowed myself to become consumed by my emotions. My ability to concentrate had diminished. I had begun to put you both above my duty. I could no longer disassociate my obligations with my concern for your well being. It became impossible to function efficiently when your safety was in question. On that night, I gave in to the emotions that I had fought against, and in doing so, I failed not only you, but all that I believe in. Gol was the only answer for me. I could not have stayed, even with your acceptance. Even when advised that Leonard was waiting at the entrance.” He turned to the man seated beside him and, as he covered the smaller hand with his own, he continued, “I chose the path of betrayal instead of allowing you to see me in the state I was in. Forgive me. I did not possess the strength to see you. Had I given in to the urge to go to you, I would have been lost. I was not the man you had known, and you could not have respected that which I had become. And, even though I failed to purge myself of my emotions, I had time to discover how to better direct them.” With the feel of the warm hand as it covered his, Leonard had to fight to keep the surge of emotions that had been churning inside from undoing him. Spock had known he was at Gol. But what did that matter now? It was as if his heart was erupting within his chest and the hopelessness that he felt when he had left Vulcan was finally abating. The lump in his throat threatened to burst as he asked, “So you have found your answers?” He turned his hand over and gripped the warm hand with his own. Spock saw blue eyes as they sparkled with forgiveness. He felt the cool hand turn beneath his own and clutch his fingers tightly, as if his hand was a lifeline to this gentle being. Jim sat down in the chair across from him, and Spock turned to the hazel eyes looking at him from underneath a fringe of golden lashes. “Did you, Spock? Did you find your answers with V’ger?” Jim asked. Spock looked at Jim, “My answers were never with V’ger, nor were my answers on Vulcan.” “Then have you found your answers?” “Yes, I believe I have.” “What are they, Spock?” Those hazel eyes pierced his soul. He realized he could not keep his composure around these men anymore than he could stop breathing. Feeling his resolve weaken, he answered, “I needed to discover if my answers lay in logic, or elsewhere. The answer is elsewhere.” Jim watched Spock’s mouth move when he spoke, watched the eyes become so very black. Was he ever going to be able to be around him and not be aroused? He looked at McCoy. Jim realized that these two men were the foundation of his very being. He found the answer to his third question. Yes, he could give them every part of himself. His life would have no meaning without these two in it. No more so than if someone removed his heart. “Spock, why are you taking the position at Starfleet Academy?” No more omissions...time had arrived for the full truth. Spock’s gaze never wavered as he said, “Because you are here. My answer is to stay as near as possible to the both of you, in whatever capacity either of you will allow. To serve you both in any way I can, to undo any pain I have caused.” He looked back to the man seated beside him. “To be with you. My answer is ‘you’.” Jim sat in the chair looking at the two men who made him feel alive. The two who he desired with an intensity that was threatening to incinerate him. Jim made a decision. He couldn’t just turn away from this; his days of running away were over. “Bones, Spock, the last time we discussed what we felt for each other, I did everything in my power to hide my feelings from you. I’m through hiding from you, and from myself. I will never be afraid of losing my control, not to you. You are my control. I may be able to lead without you, but I have no balance without you.” Jim stood up, and after a hesitant moment, he walked to the sofa where they were seated. His arousal was unmistakably obvious. He was trembling, and his voice shook as he said, “My needs, my wants, my fears, are all yours to see. If you can accept that, if you can accept me, then…” he held out his hands toward them. Grasping the hand as he had done in sickbay, Spock rose from the sofa and stood in front of Jim. The gold-green eyes grazed down his body, and when the face looked back to him, there was smile that melted the remnants of Spock’s Vulcan facade. Reaching out, he placed one arm around Jim’s waist and pulled him close. Spock knew these men were his soul. He had been afraid he would lose himself to them, but instead he was found, and loved. Spock brushed his lips against the golden fringe above one eye. He reached out his hand and pulled the other, his other, into the embrace. Jim could feel Spock’s body quivering and he knew the emotions were tearing away the shields they had all spent years building. Jim wrapped his arm around McCoy and pulled him tight to them. His noticed Bones’ face was wet. Jim wasn’t sure, but he thought his might be as well. “No turning back?” he asked of them both. “No, Jim,” Spock purred into his neck where he had buried his face. His erection was pressing into Jim’s hip and his voice was becoming rough. “Bones?” Jim asked. “No, never,” Leonard responded with a ragged whispered just before he found Jim’s mouth with his own. Mouths searched and hands roamed. Their bodies became warm and damp with passion. When gasps turned into moans, and simple embraces were no longer enough, Jim pulled away from them and backed up. In ragged breaths, panted, “I need you. I need you, both. If you mean it...if there really is no turning back, then I think it’s time to move to my bedroom. I think we’ll be much more comfortable there.” Jim found himself immediately surrounded by them, and before there was time to draw even another breath, he was being swept through the arch that led to the remainder of the apartment. >Finis< |