Standing here by the window, staring out at the street below, I long for peace, but find my thoughts in chaos.

Stephanie loves me.

This shouldn't come as a shock, I suppose, but she knows it now. She's finally admitted it to herself.

I love her, too.

Therein lies the problem.

I've never lied to her about my love for her, about what I can offer. It is my sincere hope she has listened and believed.

In the past, I've told her I'm a mercenary and an opportunist, that my love doesn't come with a ring, that I'm not family material, that my life doesn't lend itself to relationships... It's all true.

One thing I concluded from my failed marriage is that your partner needs to come first. Anything less will doom the marriage to failure.

Right now, Stephanie isn't first in my life. She's definitely high up on the list, but not first, not now.

I once told her she had thirty percent of the cop. She has more than that of me, but still not enough.

So, I've told her the truth of what I can offer. Those things weren't said to hurt her or to lead her on; they were simple statements of fact.

She deserves more than a marriage where she plays second fiddle. I can no more do that to her than meet all her needs. Right now, all I can meet are her financial and physical needs and those aren't the important needs when it comes to Stephanie.

The most important need she has is the one I can't provide - her emotional needs. Stephanie is an emotional creature. She feels things deeply and frequently has too thin a skin for her own good. I can't offer that type of protection right now. I can't give her the support she needs.

I keep thinking - hoping - that someday I'll be able to put her first, give her all she needs. But I know that day isn't today and probably won't be for a while longer.

Perhaps that means I'll never be with her. That thought leaves my heart aching, but it also steels my resolve - I won't give her less than she deserves, not in a relationship, not in life. She deserves to be first in her partner's life, deserves to have one-hundred percent of that person's heart, mind, body and soul.

She deserves more than I can give her, more than I may ever be able to give her.

My eyes track the people and cars racing up and down the streets, moving as quickly as my thoughts. Nothing has changed for all the thinking I've done. I still can't put her first in my life. I still can't offer her all of me. I still love her.

End

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