Disclaimer: The characters of the Stephanie Plum series belong to Janet Evanovich. The setting and characters of "The Wizard Of Oz" belong to L. Frank Baum. The originals of the songs parodied herein also do not belong to me. All are used here without permission. No copyright infringement is intended.
Notes1) You will see reference to a “PandP” in this story. It is a residue of my late high-school/early college years when I played a role playing game called “Call of Cthulhu” set in the 1920’s and today. We broke guns into 3 groups: P&P, S&P, CBG. P&P stands for Point and Perforate - a gun where you aim, shoot and it puts a hole in something such as a handgun or rifle. S&P stands for Spray and Pray - a fully automatic weapon where you hold down the trigger and “spray” the area with bullets, praying you hit what you need to. CBG stands for Click, Bang, Gone - specifically it referred to shotguns, elephant guns, etc. 2) No animals were hurt in the making of this fic, though some Merry Men may suffer psychological damage from it.
Pairing: None
Rating: Suitable for people over 13
Feedback: Send email to ttsmiscellany@yahoo.com

Technicolor Nightmare
by TT

Tornadoes in New Jersey were almost unheard of. Hurricanes, however, did happen every now and then. The fact that the first hurricane of the season had decided to head toward the Jersey shore was something Stephanie attributed solely to the fact it was named Albert. The erratic course the storm had been following and the oddly gusting winds were reminiscent of her brother-in-law’s wandering speech patterns.

Of course, the fact that the hurricane, fortunately only a category One by the time it would hit, didn’t stop her deadline on her skips and Vinnie was giving her a hard time about her last one - Richard West, ‘Wicked’ to his friends.

He had earned the nickname, not by his actions, but by his coming from Boston. Apparently his favorite descriptive word was ‘wicked’. Everything good was ‘wicked’.

This is what Stephanie had found out from her contacts in the Burg. Unfortunately, none of them had a clue where he was holed up.

She didn’t find out where he was, until thirty minutes before hurricane Albert made landfall.

Having grown up and been through one or two hurricanes, she knew what to do to prepare and she knew better than to go out at such a time.

Unfortunately, her rent was past due and the five thousand dollars she would earn by bringing him in would allow her a certain economic cushion. And, if things went right, she could have him into the police station just as the hurricane hit. It may not be the place she would normally choose to ride out the storm, but it would only be until the eye came and she could make it back to her apartment.

Convinced she had more than enough time to capture West and find shelter, she said her goodbye to Rex and headed out the door.

As she drove down the streets, she wasn’t surprised to see the occasional boarded or taped window. It was always better to take the precaution than not. Lester and Hal had stopped by earlier that morning to help her prepare the windows of her apartment before heading out to their own homes.

The rain that has been little more than a light mist earlier was becoming more persistent and the wind, which had been non-existent, was picking up.

By the time Stephanie reached the house where West was staying, the weather had progressed to the point she was beginning to wonder if the weather reporters had been wrong about when Albert would make landfall. The wind had become more constant, but there were still gusts that pushed her car on the road. The rain was almost blinding as the wind drove it against the windshield

Pulling up to the address, she realized she was just a few houses down from Joyce Barnhart. As she got out of her car, Stephanie saw her nemesis being pulled away from her house by a large dog - an obviously unneutered, male dog. A shudder ran though her at the thought of Joyce’s plans for the poor animal and she wondered if she should call Animal Patrol people and report animal cruelty.

Another gust of wind drew her from that dark place and she quickly got out of her car, heading toward the house.

She had to lean against the wind a little and shot a worried look toward the tree that was groaning loudly in protest of the wind’s rough treatment. It didn’t give her a safe feeling so she scurried to the relative safety of the front stoop.

Once sheltered under the small awning, she pulled her stun gun out and turned it on. Her plan was simple. Get West to open the door, stun him and drag him to the car. At the rate the wind and rain were picking up, she’d be lucky to get to the police station in one piece, but there was no way she was going to let West go. He had to be in today.

Ringing the doorbell, she waited for West to come to the door. It took a few minutes, which she spent warily eying the old tree in the front yard, before the door opened.

“What?” Richard demanded.

Trying to go with perky, Stephanie said, “Hi! I’m Stephanie. I’m with the city’s Hurricane Safety Commission. We’re going out and performing random checks of various homes to make sure you’re up to speed on your Hurricane preparedness.”

West just stared at her as if she were crazy.

“So, are you ready for the storm?” Stephanie prodded.

“Are you stupid?” he asked, motioning out the door. “The storm’s here! And, yes, I am ready for it.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful,” Stephanie enthused. “If you don’t mind, can I come in and call my boss. You were the last house on my list and I need to let him know everyone’s set.”

“Whatever,” West said, opening the screen door so she could enter.

A loud cracking sound drew their attention back outdoors. Stephanie saw the dog that had been dragging Joyce suddenly run to the neighbor’s house and hide under their porch. Joyce was sitting in a shallow ditch by the side of the road, covered in mud. A tree in her front yard had fallen over.

From the ominous creak of the tree nearest West’s house, Stephanie couldn’t wait to get out of the area.

As she turned her attention back to West, he must have caught sight of her stun gun because he took off running.

Letting out a little scream of frustration, Stephanie soon followed. She tore through his house, doing her best to dodge the items he was knocking to the ground.

At one point, she was a little late in her dodge and tripped.

Losing her balance, she went flying forward and, purely by chance, made a perfect tackle, dropping her skip to the floor.

Though shocked by the turn of events, Stephanie knew not to look a gift horse in the mouth and quickly cuffed West.

Standing, she commanded, “Get up.” West began to comply and, with Stephanie's help, he succeeded in achieving his feet.

With one hand pushing him along, Stephanie made sure they moved toward the door.

In the short time they had been tussling in the house, the wind had picked up. She just hoped they would make it to the station before the rains really started.

Pulling West to a stop, she made him stand in the middle of the room as she retrieved her dropped stun gun.

She had just picked it up when the sound of cracking wood reached her.

Her eyes flicked upward in time to see the ceiling above her crumble as the large tree from outside fell onto the house.

The scream that rose up within her didn't have time to escape before she was knocked to the ground, her head hitting the floor hard enough to knock her out.

Stephanie woke up with a groan.

One spot on the back of her head, throbbed with pain in time with her heart.

Letting out another groan, as she cracked her eyes open, she was surprised to see sunlight streaming through the windows of the house.

Trying to focus on her physical condition, she noticed a weight on her legs.

When she tried moving them, she was able to shift them with little difficulty.

Slowly she tried to push herself into a sitting position.

Though the world shifted slightly in completely inappropriate directions, she eventually managed to sit up and take in her surroundings.

The large tree from the front yard had crashed down on the house, causing part of the roof and ceiling to collapse. One of the large branches had penetrated the house and was resting on the floor a little ways away. There were pieces of the ceiling and roof as well as smaller branches that had come to rest on her.

As she took in the surroundings, she also realized that her skip was nowhere to be seen.

Letting out a curse, she forced herself to her feet and noticed that the front door was standing wide open.

A glance at the ground revealed full and partial footprints headed in that direction. They were too large to be hers, so they must, therefore, belong to West.

With a sigh of resignation, she made her way to the door and stepped outside the house.

She had to blink her eyes a few times before her eyes adjusted to the bright sunshine.

As they did, she looked around.

What she saw left her speechless.

The street looked much the same as it had before, but there were a few very distinct differences. The first was that there was no sign of her, or any other car.

The second was that everything was much brighter. In fact, if she didn't know better, she would say that everything was in Technicolor.

The third thing she noticed was that there was no sign of animal life. Oh, the leaves and grass were an unnatural green, the trees browner than she'd ever seen and the houses... well, she was sure the big box of 164 colored crayons she'd had as a child had those colors, but she knew with absolute certainty that those colors did not exist as house colors in the 'Burg.

Stepping further outside, she looked around a bit more.

Joyce was still in the ditch she'd fallen into when the tree in front of her house fell. She seemed to be fussing, but unhurt.

OK. Maybe she was hurt, but Stephanie wasn't about to go over and find out. As far as she was concerned, Joyce could stay in the ditch.

A moment later, she was distracted by a neon-red bubble floating down out of the sky.

She watched as the bubble floated down and landed in front of her. When it did, the bubble transformed into a neon-red firebird and then Lula stepped out of it wearing a sparkly, spandex dress.

“Lula?” Stephanie asked in disbelief.

“That's Good Witch Lula to you,” Lula declared, adjusting her dress slightly before stepping forward toward Stephanie. She stopped a few feet away and looked around her. “Hmph. Never around when you need them. Guess I'm going to have to call them.”

Stephanie prepared to cover her ears at Lula's comment. She assumed that her friend, or “Good Witch Lula” would just shout for them. She was shocked when music started playing from nowhere and Lula began singing.

(Lula)*
Come out, come out wherever you are
And meet the young lady who came from a city
She came and so we’re singing this ditty
And Trenton, she says, is the name of that city

Movement all around her had Stephanie looking in every direction. Her jaw dropped open as she saw the Merry Men begin to appear, seemingly from nowhere. She was even more stunned when they joined the song.

(Merry Men)
Trenton, she says, is the name of that city

(Lula)
She brings you good news
Or haven’t you heard
When she came out of Trenton
A miracle occurred

By this point, Stephanie was surrounded by more Merry Men than she knew existed. If she didn't know better, she would believe that every Merry Man in the US was surrounding her, looking at her expectantly.

Stephanie really just meant to say something smart, or sarcastic, but when she opened her mouth, it came out as a song.

(Steph)
It really was no miracle
What happened was just this
My skip began to squeak, the tree, to creak
And suddenly the wind began to sweep
Just then the Witch - to satisfy an itch
Brought home a large male dog,
‘Cause she’s a skanky witch
And, oh, what happened then was this
The tree began to pitch, the roots to slip It trapped the ugly skanky witch
In the middle of the ditch
Which was not a healthy situation
For the skanky witch

The Merry Men then proceeded to repeat her entire recital of events. When they were finished, Stephanie witnessed “Good Witch Lula” smiling at them all.

“On behalf of all of Oz, we thank you for your services in removing the skanky witch,” Lula declared.

“Oh, but I didn't...” Stephanie began in denial. Her eyes grew wide as she realized that “Good Witch Lula” was just as capable of going into rhino mode as regular Lula.

“You removed the skanky witch and that's that,” she declared, hands on hips, the toes of her right foot tapping on the ground. “Or are you some sort of ungrateful, better than us snob?”

“No, no,” Stephanie hurriedly denied. “You're absolutely right.”

“That's what I thought,” Lula replied, looking pleased with herself.

“So. Um. Where exactly am I?” Stephanie asked with more than a hint of trepidation in her voice. “And what are all the Merry Men doing here?”

She looked around herself, startled as music began to play again.

“Oh, Lord,” Lula muttered, looking up to the heavens as if pleading for help. “Skinny white girl's done it now.”

Before she could ask what she'd done, the Merry Men began to sing.

(The Merry Men)
Dress in black, watch monitors, chase skips and other things
That’s how we work the day away in the Merry Man Land Of Oz
P and P’s, stun guns too and a knife and cuffs as well
That’s how we dress to catch our skips in the Merry Man Land Of Oz

The men began dancing with Stephanie and passing her off from one of them to the next.

We get up at five and start to work at eight
Eat Ella’s lunch and eventually we’re done
Jolly good fun

The dancing had stopped, but Stephanie was now surrounded by the men in black once again.

Dress in black, watch monitors, chase skips and other things
That’s how we work the day away in the Merry Man Land Of Oz
Pat-down here, pat-down there and a couple of “Oops, you fell”
That’s how we treat the skips we catch in the Merry Man Land Of Oz…

“Oh! Um. I see,” Stephanie said, utterly flabbergasted. “So. Um. If I'm in Oz, how do I get back to Trenton?” she asked, trying to keep an eyes on all the Merry Men, one of them had pinched her behind during the dance and she was trying to makes sure it didn't happen again. She jumped and turned toward Lula when she felt herself get bopped on the head. Before she could protest, however, she was distracted by the glittery wand in Lula's hand.

“You need to see the great and powerful Manager,” Lula informed.

“OK,” Stephanie agreed. “And where do I find this manger?”

“At Macy's of course!” Lula replied, shaking her head and muttering under her breath about Stephanie's intelligence, or lack thereof.

“Oh,” Stephanie said. “So, how exactly do I get to Macy's here in Oz?”

“Follow the Macy's Sale Road,” Lula replied.

“Follow the Macy's Sale Road?” Stephanie asked.

“Follow the Macy's Sale Road,” the Merry Men all chorused together.

“Oh, Lord, they're going to do it yet again!” Lula lamented. “Is it any wonder they're usually so silent? Every time they open their mouths another stupid song comes out of them.”

Stephanie didn't think it was possible, but her eyes grew wider as she realized the mysterious music was starting once more and the Merry Men were, indeed, preparing to sing.

(Merry Men )
Follow the Macy's Sale Road. Follow the Macy's Sale Road.
Follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow the Macy's Sale Road.
Follow the Macy's Sale, Follow the Macy's Sale,
Follow the Macy's Sale Road.

As the song repeated, and repeated, and repeated, Stephanie was led to the beginning of a silver sidewalk with glittery stars in each brick.

“Here, take this,” “Good Witch Lula” advised, shouting over the song. She slid something into Stephanie's hand.

Looking down at what she'd been given, Stephanie felt her jaw drop. It was a Gold Macy's card. Before she could say anything, though, the still-singing Merry Men encouraged her to move down the Macy's Sale Road.

Finally taking the hint, she looked back and waved over her shoulder at the “Good Witch Lula” and the, apparently, ever-singing Merry Men.

Stephanie had been following along the “Macy’s Sale Road” for a while when she noticed something moving in the pocket of the light jacket she was wearing.

Her brow furrowing, she cautiously removed the jacket and tried to peek into the pocket.

When that failed, she knew she would have no choice but to reach into the pocket and see what was there.

Taking a deep breath, she reached in and felt something small and fuzzy. Pulling it out, she was shocked when she identified the moving thing as Rex.

“Rex?” she cried. “What are you doing here?”

Rather than answer, Rex bit her finger, causing Stephanie to drop him.

Before the hamster could run away, though, Stephanie realized there was a string in her hand. Tugging on the string, she saw Rex being pulled back. Her jaw dropped open in shock. “Oh. My. God,” she gasped. “It’s a hamster leash!”

Rex sat on the road and stared back at her as if saying, “Well, are we going or what?”

Shaking her head, Stephanie looked at her hamster, shrugged and headed off down the road, Rex running at her side, trying to keep up.

It was some time later when Stephanie began to grow tired. She really just wanted a place to sit down and rest for a while. Well, a Butterscotch Krimpet wouldn’t go amiss either and a bottle of water would be divine, but, she didn’t hold out much hope of encountering them here.

Realizing it had been a while since she’d taken in her surroundings, Stephanie looked up and was surprised to see that the nice suburban street she’d been walking down had given way to farmland.

There were fields all around her. Though unfamiliar with the country and food in its natural state, Stephanie was fairly certain most of what was off to her right was corn and the stalks to her left were wheat or oats or something. It definitely looked grain-related.

“Well, Rex,” she said aloud. “I guess it’s food. Too bad it’s not pre-packaged. I’d probably starve before I figured out what to do with it.”

Rex twitched his whiskers at her and then ran down her body, heading forward.

“Rex! Wait!” Stephanie called out, following her hamster, whose leash she had dropped.

Each time she came close enough to snag the end of the leash, Rex would dart away causing her to miss.

“Get back here you little furball!” Stephanie exclaimed as she just barely missed him once more.

With her attention on the still-scampering Rex, Stephanie was unaware of her surroundings. She was headed toward the side of the path, certain she would capture her hamster this time when she tripped and fell flat on her face.

Resting her head on the ground for a moment, she took several deep breaths and collected her thoughts.

Eventually she lifted her head. The first thing she saw was a pair of feet encased in rather old, beat-up athletic shoes.

Allowing her eyes to continue their journey upward, she noticed well-worn jeans with strategically placed rips and holes covering a pair of long, well-shaped legs.

As her eyes continued to rise, she noted an old, worn, comfortable-looking flannel shirt over an old T-shirt. She blinked a few times as she spotted what could only be straw sticking out of various holes in the shirt.

Her eyes flashed back to the legs and she noticed more straw appearing near the holes.

As she was processing the sight before her, the figure leaned down and asked, “Comfy down there, Cupcake?”

Stephanie gasped and her head and eyes shot upward. They widened in surprise at the sight. “J-joe?” she stammered.

The man before her tipped his head to the side and blinked. “J-joe? Joe? Joe. Oh, I like that name,” the man said. “Most people just call me Scarecrow, but I like the name Joe,” he stated. Reaching down, he offered his assistance

Stephanie accepted his hand and was startled when he pulled her up with more rapidity than she would have thought possible. “Whoa!” she exclaimed with a small laugh as she tried to steady herself on her feet.

“Sorry about that, Cupcake,” Joe apologized. “Would you like to come in and have a canolli?”

A flash of anger tore through her at the suggestion. Here they were in the middle of this… this place. She was on her way to speak to the manager of Macy’s and he was coming onto her.

Unaware of her anger over his innocent statement, Joe looked over his shoulder. “They should be done pretty soon now.”

Stephanie glanced over his shoulder as well and blinked in shock. There, behind Joe was a Tasty Pastry. “Oh,” she said. “Um. Sure.”

"Oh," Joe added, reaching inside his shirt. "I believe he's yours. With that announcement, he pulled Rex, leash and all, out of his shirt and handed the little guy to Stephanie.

"Rex!" Stephanie cried. Holding him in front of her at eye level, she narrowed her eyes and scolded, "Don't you ever run away like that again. I was worried you'd get eaten or squished."

In response, Rex twitched his whiskers in an unrepentant manner and tried to squirm away.

Quickly, Stephanie dropped him in her shirt pocket, hoping her pet would fall asleep. Stepping through the door that Joe was now holding open, Stephanie took a deep breath and smiled as the smell of fresh-baked pastry tantilized her senses. "Mmm," was all she managed to say before Joe stumbled into her, pushing her closer to the display case.

"Choose whatever you like, Cupcake," Joe encouraged. "The Good Witches Lula and Mary Lou created these shops. They never run out of pastry and you can have whatever you like so long as you remain true to yourself."

Stephanie turned and blinked. The first thiing that caught her attention was Mary Lou being a Good Witch like Lula. She loved her friend dearly, but the thought of Mary Lou in an oufit similar to Lula's proved difficult for her mind to comprehend. The second bit of information that caused her to pause was the comment about being true to herself. Though something she had always believed in theory, in practice, she had a hard time applying it oreven understanding it. In truth, she couldn't say if she was being true to herself of not. For the most part, she believed she was, but she couldn't be absolutely certain.

While Stephanie had been going through her mental gymnastics, Joe had been at the case, his back to her as he fiddled with something. Just as she begain looking around again, Joe turned and offered her a plate with a single cannoli on it.

"Have one, Cupcake," he encouraged, thrusting it into her hands.

Taking the plate, Stephanie smiled her thanks and took a bite of the deliscious smelling concoction.

"Ow!" she cried, holding a hand to her mouth and fishing out hard object. "What is this?" she demanded.

"It's an engagement ring, Cupcake," Joe answered with a wide smile.

"An engagemetn ring?" Stephanie shrieked. "Are you nuts? I don't want to get married!"

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Stephanie noticed something change outof the corner of her eye. Turning, she noticed that all the pastries in the display case were slowly disappearing.

Joe shook his head at her. "You just lied, Cupcake," he observed. "The pastry will all disappear unless you're true to yourself. Now tell the truth, you do want to get married, don't you?"

Seeing the food continue to disappear, Stephanie sighed in resignation. "Yes.," she finally admitted. "Someday in the future I do want to get married. But not today." As she continued to stare at the display case, relief flooded her as the pastry began to appear once more.

"Fine, Cupcake," Joe said, disappointment evident in his voice. He reached out and plucked the ring from her fingers. "I'll just save this for another day in the future."

Stephanie’s jaw dropped open. Sure she’d contemplated marrying Joe when they first got back together, but that had been a while ago. When faced with the reality of an engagement with him, she had utterly panicked. She just wasn’t ready to settle down yet. In truth, neither was Joe, not really. A future with Joe existed in the same nebulous “someday” as a future with Ranger. Joe just didn’t usually admit it so bluntly.

Then again, Joe wasn’t usually stuffed with straw either. Stephanie knew first hand that he was very much flesh and blood. And, boy, did she enjoy it.

“So, what do you want to eat?” Joe asked with a wave in the general direction of the once more full pastry cases.

“Hmm,” was all Stephanie could say as she stepped forward to view all of the pastries. “I can have anything I want?”

“Just the way the Good Witch Mary Lou intended,” Joe explained.

Finishing the last bit of ring-free cannoli in her hand, Stephanie made her final decision. “I think I’ll have a couple Boston Creams and maybe a cinnamon twist.”

She stepped back from the case and blinked as she watched a plate rise from the stack behind the counter and the appropriate pastries land on it. The plate then floated out to her. Still shocked and a little awed, Stephanie reached out and took the plate, staring at it for a few minutes.

“It’s just regular food,” Joe encouraged. “Go ahead and eat.”

Cautiously, Stephanie reached out and lifted one of the doughnuts to her mouth. As she bit into the pastry, her eyes fluttered closed and a satisfied sigh escaped. Her eyes flew open as she heard Joe chuckling at her. Waiting until she had swallowed, she asked, “What’s so funny?”

“You are, Cupcake,” he informed, reaching out and wiping a little smudge of cream from beside her mouth. “I don’t think anyone’s ever enjoyed the pastries more.”

Stephanie just shrugged and took another bite, her eyes fluttering closed once more. “They’re heavenly,” she offered by way of response before taking another bite.

Before long, the pastries were gone. With a satisfied sigh, Stephanie began looking around for a waste bin.

Understanding what she was looking for, Joe informed, “Just leave it on the counter.”

Stephanie nodded and set the plate on the counter before heading back outside.

“So, where are you going?” Joe asked.

“Why do you want to know?” Stephanie inquired, her eyes narrowing suspiciously.

“Thought I might go with you, scare away any unwanted birds. You know that’s what I do, don’t you? Yep. That’s me, Scarecrow Joe. I keep the crops safe from unwanted birds,” Joe explained.

Stephanie blinked, tried very hard to understand exactly what he’d said and, finally, decided to just give up. In truth, a little company on the trail would be nice. With a shrug, she replied, “Suit yourself. I’m going to see the Manager Of Macy’s.”

“The manager of Macy’s?” Joe gasped, startling the bird that had settled on his hat. “Why… why he’s Marvelous! He can get you anything. Anything! He could even get you a brain,” Joe rambled.

“Excuse me?” Stephanie asked, indignation filling her at his last words.

Joe hadn’t heard her, though. His eyes had a far-off look in them. “That’s what I’d ask him for,” he mumbled to himself. “A brain.” Shaking off his thoughts, he looked at Stephanie and narrowed his eyes. “How are you going to pay for whatever you ask for?”

“I’m just looking for a way home,” Stephanie admitted. “And I have this,” she said, whipping out the gold Macy’s card the Good Witch Lula had given her.

“But the Skanky Witch Joyce had that! How did you get it?” Joe demanded. Then his eyes narrowed and he took a few steps back, suddenly seeming a little scared. “You aren’t in league with her are you?”

“No!” Stephanie denied with great force. “A tree fell near her and she ended up in a ditch.”

Joe blinked twice as he processed the words before he burst out into laughter.

Stephanie waited for him to stop. After a few minutes, she glanced down at her watch, folded her arms in front of her and started tapping her foot in impatience.

Wiping tears from his face, Joe eventually stood up. “A more fitting end to that Skanky Witch you couldn’t find,” he finally said.

“So, are you ready to go or what?” Stephanie asked.

“Yeah. I’m ready to go and when we get there, I’m going to ask for a brain,” Joe informed.

“You’re seriously going to ask for a brain?” Stephanie inquired.

“Oh, yes,” Joe replied. “Most definitely.”

Stephanie’s eyes widened and she began to look around as music began to swell.

After a moment, Joe began singing.

(Joe)
I used to while away the hours, pluckin' the ladies' ‘flowers’
Using the ‘boys’ again.
And my itch I'd be scratchin' while
you'd be busy screamin’
If you only had a brain.
I'd keep you home and happy, to cook and change the nappies,
In sunshine and in rain.
With the thoughts you'd be thinkin'
o’er our kids’ heads we’d be winkin’
If you only had a brain.
Oh, we could take a drive, to vacation near the shore.
I’d show you things you’ve never done before.
And then I'd sleep, and show you more.
I would not be just a ‘sometimes’ I’d be center of your life
And never need explain.
You could cook my evening meal, life would be a ‘Burg ideal,
If you only had a brain.

By the time he was finished with his song, Stephanie was so angry she was speechless. She could feel exactly how red with rage her face was. Of all the arrogant, presumptuous things she had ever heard come out of his mouth, this one took the cake.

Before she could say anything, though, Joe turned and smiled at her. “So, what do you think?” he asked.

Stephanie took several deep breaths, reminding herself that this wasn’t really her Joe. This was a scarecrow. A scarecrow who needed a brain of his own if he honestly thought she’d ever go along with such a scheme. That thought seemed to calm her slightly as she realized that, being the one with the gold card, she could very easily request a brain – for him! That was a good plan, she decided. They would go to Macy’s and she’d order a new brain for Scarecrow Joe.

After taking several more deep breaths, she smiled and said, “We should get going.”

She turned back to the Macy’s Sale Road and began walking.

As Joe walked up next to her and tucked her hand into the crook of his arm, music began to swell.

A soft curse slipped out of Stephanie’s mouth before she could stop it. She couldn’t sing worth beans, but this stupid nightmare place was going to force the issue anyway.

Sure enough, after a few steps, the words began to pour out of both of their mouths.

(Stephanie and Joe)
We're off to see the Manager, The Marvelous Manager of Macy’s.
You'll find he is a marvelous manager If ever a manager! there was.
If ever oh ever a manager there was The Manager of Macy’s is one because,
Because, because, because, because, because.
Because of the wonderful things he does.
We're off to see the Manager. The Marvelous Manager of Macy’s

Stephanie and Joe had been walking for a while. Apparently, though, Stephanie’s watch had stopped. According to the time showing, not one minute had passed since she and Joe left the Tasty Pastry, but she knew for a fact she’d been walking for hours.

Up ahead, Stephanie spotted a stand of trees. As they drew closer, she could see they were apple trees, branches heavy with ripe, red fruit.

Before she could say anything, her stomach growled.

Stephanie felt her cheeks turn pink as Joe began looking all around, his body tense.

“What was that?” he demanded. “Is there a lion? A bear? The Green Monster?”

Stephanie huffed out a breath, annoyed at his rambling. “It was my stomach,” she told him, drawing Joe’s eyes to her. “I’m hungry.”

Joe blinked at her a few times, his expression blank. Slowly the light dawned and he smiled. “There are apple trees up ahead,” he said, pointing down the path.

“Thank you Captain Obvious,” Stephanie murmured. “Then let’s go get some apples,” she said louder, so Joe could hear.

Rex poked his head up out of her pocket and twitched his whiskers. Stephanie took that as approval of the plan.

As the trio reached the apple orchard, Stephanie lifted her foot to step off the path.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Babe,” a low voice said.

A small gasp escaped her as her foot returned to the path and she began to look around. Stephanie didn’t see anyone but Joe and Rex nearby, so she prepared to take a step.

“I wouldn’t, Babe,” the voice repeated, once more.

“Who said that?” Stephanie demanded. She knew the voice belonged to Ranger, but after discovering Joe was a scarecrow, she wasn’t sure she wanted to imagine what Ranger would be. The thought of him being a rusty tin man was almost too much.

“Yeah,” Joe repeated, frowning and folding his arms over his chest. “Who said that?”

“Need to be more aware of your surroundings, Babe,” the voice said right next to Stephanie.

Letting out a little shriek, she jumped and turned to see to whom the voice belonged.

As she jumped, she bumped into Joe, knocking him onto the ground, where he sprawled gracelessly and several pieces of straw fell out of the holes in his jeans.

“Oh, Joe!” she gasped turning back to Joe before reaching down to offer him a hand up. Shooting a glare over her shoulder, she scolded, “You could help me get him up, you know.”

“Babe,” was the only response she received.

Blowing out a frustrated breath, she helped Joe stand and then turned to give Ranger a piece of her mind.

What she saw was not what she was expecting.

Somehow, in this twisted nightmare of hers, Ranger was, indeed, filling in the role of Tin Man. He looked every bit as yummy as always and even appeared to be wearing his normal black RangeMan gear, only the logo had a space between “Range” and “Man”. His skin, however, was not the normal mocha-latte she was used to, but a silvery gray. There was an overall sheen or sparkle that seemed to cover him from head to toe.

“Ranger?” she asked tentatively.

“If that’s the name you like, Babe,” he said, reaching out and tugging one of Stephanie’s curls, earning him a glare from the scarecrow.

“What are you doing here?” Stephanie demanded.

“Keeping the street safe,” was his reply as he continued to look amused.

Stephanie was frustrated and slowly losing her patience. “So, what exactly are you supposed to be? Sparkle Man?” she demanded.

The smile faded slightly from Ranger’s face as his eyes narrowed. “This is no sparkle, Babe,” he informed. “This is the highest quality Teflon available on or off the market.”

“A protective coating,” she murmured to herself. Her eyebrows drew down as if she was thinking of something, “So does that make you the Teflon Man?”

Ranger let out a bark of laughter.

“Sounds about right,” Joe grumbled. “Nothing seems to stick to him.”

When Stephanie’s stomach growled again, she felt a blush creep up her cheeks as she noticed both Ranger and Joe staring at her stomach.

“That’s some beast you have there, Babe,” Ranger smirked.

“A hunger beast indeed,” Joe added with a matching smirk.

Stephanie crossed her arms and glared at both, um, men. “Well, if you’d let me get an apple, no one would have to hear that,” she retorted.

Seeing that neither Joe nor Ranger was going to stop smirking at her anytime soon, Stephanie threw her hands up and stepped off of the path, reaching up to pluck one of the many juicy apples.

As her hand closed around the ripe fruit, Ranger cried, “No! Don’t!”

But he was too late and the luscious apple fell into her hand before Ranger could reach her.

Her hunger overriding everything else, Stephanie lifted the red fruit to her lips, completely missing the eyes that suddenly blinked open on the tree.

As her teeth sank into the apple, she felt a strong arm wrap around her and spin her around.

In surprise she dropped the apple. Whether or not she made any other sound she would never know because a loud, woody roar suddenly filled the nearby air.

She felt a hard presence at her back and realized that Ranger was pressed against her. Before she could think any further about the situation, she felt him bend over, forcing her to bend over as well. Then they began running. She heard more than felt the impact of something landing on Carlos.

As the impacts got further apart, they began to slow. Eventually, both she and Ranger and the impacts stopped.

Straightening, Stephanie stepped out of Ranger’s grasp. “What was…” she began asking. The words died in her throat and her jaw dropped open as she saw bits of splattered apple sliding off of him as he straightened.

“I told you not to leave the path,” Ranger scolded. “But did you listen?”

Stephanie closed her mouth and then glared at him. “I was hungry!” she retorted.

“And I told you not to step off the path,” Ranger replied. “Do you have any idea what sort of trouble you stepped into?”

“I… what… trouble?” she asked, confused.

Ranger sighed and drew her into a hug. “Those were not nice trees. Picking one of their apples was the wrong move to make. Once you did, though, you not only hit their radar, they decided to put the hurt on you and attacked the only way they could, with their apples.”

“They threw apples at me?” Stephanie asked, incredulous.

“At us,” Ranger replied, reaching up to brush as tray hair off of her forehead. “And those apples, while they don’t hurt me, would hurt you a lot.”

“Oh,” was the only response Stephanie could think of as she stared into the Teflon Man’s eyes.

“Thanks for leaving me behind, there,” Joe shouted, approaching the duo.

Stephanie blushed and stepped away from Ranger, looking anywhere but at him.

“You don’t seem any worse for wear,” Ranger responded.

Turning to look him over, Stephanie had to admit that Ranger was right. She couldn’t see anything different about Joe.

“You have the stuffing knocked out of you and see how well you feel afterward,” Joe retorted. Then, turning away from Ranger, he placed a gentle hand on Stephanie’s arm. “Come on, Cupcake, we need to go see the Manager.”

“The Marvelous Manager Of Macy’s?” Ranger asked with what appeared to be far too casual interest.

“Yes,” Stephanie answered, turning to look at him. “He’s going to help me get home.”

“And help me get her a brain,” Joe added.

Ranger was silent for a moment. “Is suppose it might be nice to have a heart,” he murmured. “I’ve always wanted a heart, someday.”

“A heart?” Stephanie inquired, her voice soft.

Ranger leaned forward and gently brushed a finger across her cheek. “Someday, Babe,” he responded as music began to play in the background.

At the sound of the music, Ranger closed his eyes and looked resigned. When he opened his eyes once more, he began to sing:

(Ranger)
Just because I tease you, And because I need you
Doesn’t mean ‘we’ will start
Business and my lifestyle would change to include you, Babe
If I only had heart.
I'd be tender - I'd be gentle, a bit experimental
Regarding Love’s Sweet Art.
I’d ruin you each evenin’
it’s the Batcave you’d be seein’
If I only had a heart.
Look at me - and you still see - two guns and a knife.
No children and no ring, Babe. As you can see…
No we
Just to register emotion, jealousy - devotion,
And really feel the part.
I could be your dessert, Babe
but it’s all I’d be worth, Babe,
If I only had a heart.

As the music faded, Stephanie held Ranger’s eyes for a few second. “Someday,” she whispered.

Ranger offered a sad smile in response.

A throat clearing startled them back to the present. “As touching as this little scene is, we need to get going if we’re going to get to Macy’s today,” Joe advised.

“He’s right,” Ranger said, standing straight and offering Stephanie his arm.

Joe came up on the other side of Stephanie and held out his arm to her as well.

Stephanie smiled and slipped one of her arms through those of her escorts. Glancing down, she saw Rex poke his head out of her pocket, twitch his whiskers and disappear back inside.

“Ready?” she asked. She received two nods in return.

Before they could take a step, the music began once more, resulting in two eye rolls and a resigned sigh.

(Stephanie, Joe, Ranger)
We're off to see the Manager, The Marvelous Manager of Macy’s.
You'll find he is a marvelous manager If ever a manager! there was.
If ever oh ever a manager there was The Manager of Macy’s is one because,
Because, because, because, because, because.
Because of the wonderful things he does.
We're off to see the Manager. The Marvelous Manager of Macy’s

TBC somday... maybe... ;-)

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