GOT A PROBLEM?                      SOUNDS LIKE IT...                        ASK BERNICE!

"Whatever your problem, whatever your strife, Just ask Bernice or else go get a life."

Our local town vicar Bernice Woodall will answer all your questions and help put your mind at rest about all of life's little problems. Yeah, little. As in insignificant and worthless, just like you. Bernice regrets that she can enter into no personal correspondance with anybody who writes. (Charlie Hull that means you, you fat, balding little cunt!) All letters are confidential, except if I find a really funny one.

TODAY'S ISSUES IN FOCUS: FAT BASTARDS AND THEIR LIVES UGLY BLOKES WITHOUT GIRLFRIENDS

To the right: Obesity: A terrible condition for any of us to suffer. Well, we have to look at them.

Dear Bernice,                 I recently married a wonderful man who I love very much. Thing is, I think his friends dislike me as they constantly make jokes about my size and this makes me feel uncomfortable and bad within myself. I know that I am a tad overweight, but Mike insists that he still loves me no matter what. Should I tell him how I feel about his friends? I'm afraid of putting any pressure on him. Please help.                                                                                   Cheryl, Swanmills Bernice replies,                    Now pet, just from reading your letter I can tell that this is causing you a lot of emotional distress. Firstly, "man" and "wonderful" should never appear in the same sentence. And as for the weight issue, well, no, don't tell your husband how his friends make you feel. He'll just think you're being a moany cow, and he's right. And do you honestly think he's going to chose you over his friends? You know he'd rather be in the pisser with them than stuck at home with you.  And a tad overweight? Do you think his friends wouldn't joke about you if you didn't look like a whale dressed like Hilda Ogden? You're fat, woman, fat! If you want to keep your husband, I suggest you lose weight by any means neccessary, anorexia, bulemia, try them all.  And your husband who claims that he loves you no matter what is probably down the pub as we speak telling his mates how shagging you is like trying to stick a piece of Wrigleys between a Sumo's arse cheeks. Good luck. You're going to need it.

Dear Bernice,                  I have a problem. I can't get a girlfriend. I've tried everything: washing myself, learning piano, but to no avail. I even tried a dating agency that was advertised in "Dogs' Arses" but so far I've had no responses. My consellor says I'm attractive but my self esteem is slipping away. Can you offer me a solution?                                                                                     Iain Cashmore, Jim Cartwright Road Bernice replies,                    Yes. Suicide.

Iain also sent us his photo, in case anyone wanted to be his girlfriend. If you are interested, please contact: St Mary of Bethlehem Hospital                                                  Psychiatric Ward                                                  Royston Vasey You obviously need your head seeing to.

Bernice will be back next month to help solve some more of your problems. If you have a problem you'd like to ask Bernice about, just drop her a line and click below.                                                          ASK BERNICE

Bernice would also like to remind those legless cunts from St Mary's to keep their wheelchairs OFF her fucking lawn. Thank you.

Go on, then. Fuck off back to the homepage. You aren't welcome here.