I always wanted the perfect family life (you know- Mom, Dad, 2 kids, dog and cat, house in the burbs with a pool, 2 cars, maybe a boat, little league and dance recitals, the whole nine yards) but thanks to alot of mistakes on my part (like falling in love with the wrong man) that dream is pretty much over. But in the last year and a half since my seperation I have begun to realize that things happen for a reason and just because life doesn't work out the way you had planned that doesn't mean it can't be a good thing in the long run. It has been a long and hard road to say the least, and I'm sure it will continue to be hard for a long time to come. But I am grateful for what I do have and for my two beautiful babies who at times are the only things in life that keep me going. With them I will never know one day of loneliness or one day with out love. I only regret that my children will grow up without a real father, even though their father does love them and visits them when he is able to, they deserve for their father to be there every single day and I am afriad that someday this will be a source of sadness for them. A childs bond with their father is something that can not be replaced by anyone, even if I were to remarry it would not be the same. All I can do is make sure they know that our divorce was in no way their fault and that we both love them very much.
I truley commend all the single parents out there, I know from experience that you have the hardest job in the world. I would also like to say to all of those who haven't had children yet to be very careful in the choices you make. Having a family and keeping it together is hard enough and made harder by poor decisions. If you are not ready for children then do not put yourself in that position. The most innocent get harmed the worst. Children should be a gift not a burden.
Ok well it has been ohhh about 2 years since I last updated this section and alot has changed. Well actually everything is pretty much the same outwardly. Im still a single mom...Im still workin on my degree...I still live in the same place and do basically the same old things as two years ago. So what has changed then?? Well mainly my attitude and outlook on life in general and my life specifically. Im much less the bitter, broken-hearted woman of two years ago. In nutshell, I had an epiphany of sorts...so what caused this??...well it was a combination of things I suppose. Like they say time heals all wounds...I dont necessarily believe that is the case for all ppl all of the time...but in my case it is somewhat true. As you know, if uve read the previous entries here, my ex-husband went to Iraq for a year..and even though it was stressful for all of us..it turned out to be the best thing for me on an emotional level. It gave me the time and space I so desperately needed to clear my head and look toward the future instead of dwelling on the past..without having to see him or have him and his drama in my life. So, I did alot of thinking about him..and me..the kids..the whole messed up situation I thought I was in. I realizied that I didnt even know who I was anymore...I had lost so much of myself trying to please him or just being depressed and unable to cope. I had lost sight of the bigger picture..which is that I am here on this planet..in this life..right now, and that I could waste the time I have or I can make the best of it. I really was on a downward spiral..even though on the outside I was still functioning..somewhat..I was still waking up in the morning...sometimes...still dealing with everyday life as best as I could..but is that what life is all about?? Just goin through the motions?? Hell NO!!! There was a time in my life..before all this...that I could just look up at the blue sky or feel the wind on my face..and it would make me happy and glad to be alive...it would amaze me at the beauty of it all and that I was able to experience just one moment of it. But that feeling had been gone for soooo long and I didnt even know it. So I started to look at my life for what it really was...not in a negative way like I had been before...but all the little things that I was taking for granted. One huge part of that was my children of course..they are beautiful, happy, smart, and healthy..what more could I ask for? I, myself, also have many things that others dont have..I have the love of my family and my friends..my bills are paid..Im healthy..I have the chance to go to school and better my life..there are so many things to be thankful for. So what the hell do I have to bitch about?? Why was I so unhappy and angry?? Well the answer to that is...because I let myself be that way...no one else is to blame..and trust me I tried to put the blame else where. It is so much easier to say its his fault Im miserable...he screwed me over..he ruined my life..it was all him, him, him...but that just isnt true is it? The only one who has that much power and control over you is yourself...and deep down inside we all know this. So I realizied I was doing it to myself and at first I was pissed...pissed that I couldnt get over it when obviously he had no problem gettin over me...pissed that I felt powerless to change the way I felt. I thought I was weak and incompetant. Then some other things happened, which I wont mention here because I dont like to put other ppls business out on the streets, but it greatly affected me and the structure of my family. It totally blew away any of the old feelings I had about the "perfect" family and my chances or even my wants of having that. In reality there is no such thing as perfect...life, family, friendships...its all what you make it. There is not set of rules that say to be happy you have to have this type of family or this much money or this career..house..car..etc. You have to be happy with what you have..and if your not you have to do everything you can to change it. For me that didnt mean I needed to find a new man or get my husband back...it meant that I had to look inside myself and fix what was broken.."bring back that lovin feelin" for life and for myself and my children. Its an ongoing battle but it does get better everyday...
Well what can I say about sex.. ummm its good-lol. Actually my opinion on sex changed dramatically when I fell in love with my now ex husband. Before that it was about fun, excitement, something to do when your bored... But after having sex with someone I truely loved I realized what sex was really about. I once told him that I would never want to have sex with anyone else ever again-that hasn't changed and it won't until I fall in love again.
Those of you who are in love or have been probably know what I mean, theres nothing better. I dont take sex lightly like I did before especially since I now know what can come from it--and what the true purpose of it is--makin babies-lol. To me sex is something that should be saved for love and when you are able to deal with the responsibilities that come with it--too bad I didnt think that way when I was eighteen. Although I am far from being a prude I find it disgusting the way many people will have sex with strangers, not only is it very dangerous, it is also degrading. It is really scary for me to see that people are having sex younger and younger these days. I hope that I will be able to enstill a sense of self respect in my children and that they will learn for my own mistakes.
I used to believe that there was one love for everyone and that when you found them you just knew and everything fell into place and you lived happily ever after. HA yeah right....Love, for me, is still one of the hardest subjects to talk about. I really dont know where I stand or what I believe anymore. I guess I am still in my bitter, cynical, man hating stage although much less than I used to be. Do I think it is possible for me to love again--Yes. Do I think it is absolutely necessary or that I will have a sad and lonely existance without it--hell NO. Love is important, theres no doubt about that, but I also think that people, especially women, put too much of a priority on it. I know some women who have good careers, good personal lives, family, friends, etc. but they still feel empty because they dont have a man. They chat online at late hours of the night, go to crappy bars or put out personal ads--which I must admit I have also done all those things. But for what-to meet some guy that is totally wrong for them or only wants to use them for sex, money, etc. to be left heartbroken and having to start all over again. So what should we do instead, I really don't know the answer to that. I've heard people say that love comes when you least expect it but I have seen no evidence of that being true. But it seems to me that if we put as much effort into bettering and loving ourselves as we do in finding that magical "other" that we would all be happier. What I hate the most is when people who know that I am divorced say "don't worry you'll find someone else", man that really pisses me off. Who says that I have to want that, I don't. Right now I am content with the way things are-which is odd because I was always the type of person who hated being without a boyfriend, couldnt stand being alone. I would get into relationships with guys I knew I could never truely love just to be with someone. I suppose I could have a boyfriend right now if I really wanted to but it would be way too much of a hassle and a disruption to my finally somewhat calm and peaceful life-lol. It would be nice to find someone to grow old with and all that, but picking up the pieces of a truely broken heart is a long process-one that I am not going to rush.
Next to a good marriage, I think true friendship is one of the hardest things to obtain. We all have friends, but how many of those would you call a true and real friend, the kind you would trust your life with? Not very many huh? I have found that not too many people these days know how to be a true friend. We are all so wrapped up in our own lives and our own problems that sometimes we are oblivious to the hardships of those we say we care about. But we all have feelings and we all need to be lifted up once in awhile. The other day I played the texas lotto and started thinking about what I would do with $120 million if I actually won. The first thing that came to my mind was all my family and friends that I could help, but it also made me wonder if these people I call friends would do the same for me. After thinking about this I realizied that I only have one true to the death friend who would do just about anything for me and I for her, and that is my best friend of many years Maria. I also have a couple of very good friends, Jacob, and Tricia, who I also love dearly. Unfortunetly all these people live hundreds of miles away, which really sucks because friendship is very important to me. I've also been thinking about all the people I once considered my true friends and how sad it is to lose touch with them. We all have people we once loved, but now only talk to a few times a year if that and as time passes eventually these people will be totally lost to us. So if you know someone like this, give em a call and let them know you still wanna be a part of their lives before its too late.
I hope not to offend anyone too much here. Keep in mind that I am not an expert in these fields nor do I claim to be. These are just my personal opinions gathered from my limited knowledge of the subjects. Feel free to add a comment/rant in my msg board. THE WAR IN IRAQ & PRES. BUSH: Let me start by saying that I am a fairly liberal Democrat and that even though I am not a very "political" person this subject hits close to my heart because my ex-husband, the father of my children, is currently serving in the Army and is deployed to Iraq. So... do I believe the war is a worthy cause? Well yes and no. I do believe that Saddam was a danger to his country and the rest of the world that needed to be taken out of power, I dont think anyone can disagree with that. But I also believe that this war has gone on way too long and is no longer worth the loss of life and economic cost. I see Bush on TV talking about the liberation of the people of Iraq, but is liberation really what its all about? I dont think so. I think for Bush it's more about saving face in the eyes of the American public and a way to make up for the shortcomings of his father. He, and others, keep insisting on a connection between Saddam and Bin Laden, but no such connection is substantiated. And what about the so called "weapons of mass destruction"? I believe that one of the driving forces fueling the occupation of Iraq is the oil. They got it and we want it. Of course Bush wants to "liberate" Iraq and put in place a democratic government--so he can insure that American has access to that country's natural resources. It makes sense, why else would we spend billions of US tax dollars if we werent going to get something in return. And there is the other issue of whether or not the majority of Iraqis really want to be occupied by the U.S. If Saddam was such a tyrant that only kept control by driving fear into the entire country then why, with Saddam out of the picture, is there still such a large opposition toward the very people who are there to liberate them? It seems to me that what these people really want is to rebuild their country on their own terms. Would we want a force to come in to America and tell us how to run our government? Of course not and neither do they. Obviously they need help in this process, but too much, too soon will only be a hinderance and will spark opposition as it is alreay doing.
UPDATE....
Well Bush won...again. I voted for Kerry so I'm a lil upset but luckily its only four years-lol. So why did I vote for Kerry? Ummm because I dont like Bush!!! But mainly because I feel that this country needs a new direction. Kerry seems like a down-to-earth man, unless your the type of person that listens to propaganda--which luckily I am not. I actually did alot of research on him and his war history, career, family life, policies, etc. and found that I agreed with and respected many of his choices. But anyway thats neither here nor there..he lost end of story... for now anyway. I like most Americans will accept and support the president, at least halfway.
Ok I haven't updated this section in awhile so I figured it was about time. I really didn't have anything interesting to add till now. But I'm really starting to get pissed off by some of the policies of the current administration. Earlier this year I was told that the HeadStart program, which is a school for 3-5yrs olds that my child attends, was goin to have to cut out their after school program because of lack of funding. Now this may not seem like a huge deal to most ppl, but it is to all those parents who cant afford hundreds of dollars for child care. This program provides a great service to the local community but apparently the government doesn't think it is worthy of their precious dollars. The government wants ppl to work and get off welfare but then they take away one of the only things that actually helps families who are working or going to school and trying to make a better life for themselves. Then to make things worse, I just found out recently that the HUD-Section 8 program which helps low income families and the disabled pay for housing has also been cut back to the point that the waiting list for assistance is completely closed for the next 3-5 yrs. So what are ppl supposed to do with no child care or rental assistance to help get them back on their feet when they become unemployed or ill. Has our society become so cold and callous that we can just turn our backs on the familes and children of this country that need help the most. Our government is so damn concerned with "helping" the rest of the world that it is totally ignoring the problems Americans face everyday. The saddest part is that there are so many ppl in this country who just don't give a damn...they see the homeless ppl on the corner and think "look at that bum--he needs to quit drinking and get a job"...they think anyone who is on welfare or government assistance are just lazy, worthless, leeches who have brought their problems on themselves. This way of thinking is just selfish and wrong...not everyone has the same opportunities--not everyone comes from a middle class suburban family. People need to be more compassionate to their fellow man because some day they may find themselves in the same situation as those they look down on. Anyway...I guess thats enough ranting for one day so I'll get off my soapbox now.