Beautiful, Beautiful Nikoli

When the nurse took Nikoli from me to go to the nursery, I was a little anxious. I wanted to hold him longer. "Just relax" she said. She told me she was going to take him and get him all settled into his little bed, and in the meantime I should go get cleaned up, have a bath, and then come to the nursery to get him. He could even room in with me if I wanted. I agreed, telling myself that everything is fine so having a bath was probably a very good idea.
    I had my bath. My mom was there with me, so upon arrival to the nursery she said she was going to go downstairs to get something from the hospital's vending machines while I got Nikoli (he was already named), and she would meet me back in my room. So we parted, and I went in and asked for the "Clarke baby". The nurse I spoke to looked confused for a moment, then said "Oh! He's been moved to the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) because he looked a little jaundiced. It's nothing to worry about, a lot of baby's get jaundiced, just go down to the NICU and you'll be able to see him there." She gave me directions, and I left the nursery. Of course, slight panic had already seeped into my mind, and tears crept into the corners of my eyes as I thought "my baby is sick."
     I walked very slowly, trying to remember the directions the nurse gave me. Almost all my attention was focused on trying to not burst into tears right there in the middle of the hallway.
I met up with my mom on the way, and told what was going on. She told me not to worry, that tons of babies got jaundiced, and it was nothing to be terrified about. So we made our way down to the NICU, and went in. After being shown how to scrub up and put on the gowns, we asked a nurse where we would find little Nikoli. She pointed out his incubator, way off in the corner, and we started over to go see him. He was just laying there, sleeping, so tiny and innocent. I wanted to hold him, and asked the nurse if I could, but she said that she thought the doctor wanted to see me first. Noticing him standing a little ways away, the nurse took me over to him, and said "This is baby Clarke's mom".
     The doctor turned to me, looking very serious, and introduced himself as Dr. Reid. He asked me if I knew why my baby was there, in the NICU. I said, "Yes, it's because the nurses in the nursery thought he looked jaundiced, so sent him here to make sure he is okay."
Dr. Reid nodded slightly.
     "Yes, he is jaudiced, but it is much more than that. Ms. Clarke, your baby is very, very sick. He has just had a seizure, about fifteen minutes ago, and we are very worried about him.
He swallowed some merconiam (stool) during birth, so we have to put a tube in his mouth, going down to his stomach to get it out of there. His breathing, heart rate, and temperature are a little unstable, so we also have to have him on the monitor. We think he has a virus called CMV, we are not sure, but we just ran some tests for it, and other things, too, to make sure, but we think it is most likely CMV. We can treat it, if that is what he has, as soon as we get the test results back. They should be back by tomorrow. Do you have any questions?"
     I don't remember what I replied. In fact, I don't quite remember if that's quite what he said. I know that's the information I remember learning at that point, but my head was spinning with implications of all that he was saying. I couldn't believe it. This wasn't supposed to happen! I had a perfectly normal, full term pregnancy, wasn't even sick once, only a cold. Just your common cold, that's all that happened of note, but I found out later that that was all it took.

    The test results came back showing that he did indeed have CMV, a virus that causes only cold-like symptoms in adults, but ravages the systems of an infant, mainly because infants have a weaker immune system.

     Nikoli had to remain in NICU for a total of 23 days. He missed his first Halloween, and I missed out on holding him for the first four days of his life. As a result of the infection, my son was left with an enlarged spleen (which he has currently almost grown into), a susceptibility to repiratory infections, asthma, and calcifications on his brain. So far, the doctors don't know what effect the calcifications will have, but they know that in the areas that are affected, Nikoli's brain will have to create new neuropathways, as the ones that would normally form may be blocked. This has caused him to be developmentally delayed, as forming these new pathways takes a little more encoragement and active learning than the regular process. The good thing is that he is able to form these new pathways, he is learning to do normal things. It just takes him a bit longer that other babies.

   Nikoli and I lead normal lives, he just has to go to physiotherapy and occupational therapy once a week. Nikoli is the happiest little guy most people have ever met, and very social. He is my son, and I love him more than anyone or anything else in my world.