Arizona currently receives approximately 17,000 new residents each month. Maricopa County, which
        includes Metropolitan Phoenix and the surrounding cities, is the fastest growing county in the United
        States right now. With all these new residents come HUGE traffic problems.
 
        People arriving from other states typically bring their old driving habits to Arizona, whether they are
        from the city or the farm. Sometimes, these out-of-place habits can get the out-of-state driver into BIG
        trouble, through ignorance or inattention. In SOME states, the worst that can happen is you may get into a
        fender bender or a fist fight. In Arizona, you can encounter what I call Traffic Control Volunteers which
        can get you shot. No kidding. I'm not talking about drive-by shootings. I'm talking about one person
        upsets another person, the upset party follows the offending person, catches up to them, and shoots him
        or her, sometimes fatally. Personally, I prefer a ticket, but HEY! That's life in a city where the
        temperatures rise and the patience declines.
 
        YOU!! Yeah, you! At the back, nodding off! If you are from out-of-state, I would like very much to help
        save your life (just the kinda guy I am). The following DOs and DONTs have been complied over years of
        painstaking research and observation, and should work in most situations. If you want to print these out
        and post them in your Winnebago, next to the dashboard mounted compass ball, please feel free.

                    DOs:
 
                    1.  DO move out of this state as soon as possible. Try not to drive out. If you can assiduously
                        follow this first DO, the rest become superfluous, and you become someone else's problem.

                    2.  DO try to drive as defensively as possible. The best way to do this is to not drive at all, which
                        cuts down on the overall amount of cars on the roads, which cuts down on traffic, which eases
                        tempers tremendously. If you absolutely MUST drive, please take care to stay off the roads
                        between the CRITICAL hours of:
                            5:00 AM to 11:00 AM..... This is morning rush hour traffic. This gets REALLY bad on all
                            mornings which end in the letter "Y", when typically the MOST people go to work.
                            11:30 AM to 2:30 PM..... This is typical lunchtime traffic. Maricopa County passed a law 46
                            years ago, commonly known as The Pain in the Ass Law, which dictates that ALL residents
                            Living and working in Maricopa County MUST travel at LEAST 15 miles from their places of
                            business to where they eat lunch. Non residents are not required to follow this law, and it
                            actually may be bad for their health to be on the streets at this time of day, as most offices
                            only give their employees an hour for lunch and half of that is taken up in travel.
                            3:00 PM to 7:00 PM..... This is, of course, afternoon rush hour (see above, except in
                            reverse) Snowbirds....er, WINTER VISITORS would be much happier if they simply drove
                            during off hours, typically from 2:30 AM to 4:30 AM. This is why grocery stores and
                            pharmacies are open 24 hours a day. There is NO excuse for Snowbirds to be on the roads
                            between these critical hours, and if they are found, some areas even offer bounties on out
                            of state license plates (double cash if there's fresh blood on the plate).
 
                    3.  DO purchase and regularly use a bicycle or other non gas powered vehicle. This will reduce
                        pollution of Valley air, strengthen your heart and body, and it also makes it a LOT easier to
                        run you down, which reduces the amount of people in town, etc etc.
 
                    4. DO drive with the flow of traffic. This means that, even if the speed limit is 25 MPH, and
                        everyone is driving 80, STAND on that GAS PEDAL!  Dictating your own speed when
                        OBVIOUSLY others are passing you is arrogant and dangerous. You are not only slowing ME
                        down, but you are slowing everyone BEHIND ME down too. If you are cruising along in the
                        passing lane (the far left lane), and you look in your rearview mirror (I know.... "my WHAT"??
                        That's that little piece of reflecting glass in the top center of your windshield) and see
                        someone loading their weapon behind you while driving with their knee, pull off the road as
                        soon as you safely can, or at LEAST automatically increase your speed to at least TRIPLE what
                        it was, until you close the space between your car and the one in front of you. If you DO see
                        someone back there, and for some reason they give you ONE MORE chance to pull into the
                        cruising lane (thats the far right lane, BTW), TAKE that last chance! By this time, they have
                        pulled right up on your tail and backed off, flashed their headlights, honked their horn
                        repeatedly, all in an attempt to get you to realize you are NOT the only driver on the road. As
                        a further reminder, Phoenix Department of Public Safety (you know, the PO-lice) has informed
                        me that some of the more strict Traffic Control Volunteers have been loading their weapons
                        with Dum Dum rounds, so take care!
 
                    5.  DO follow traffic lights. Traffic lights are those contraptions hanging the middle of most
                        street intersections. As these light change color, they control the flow of traffic. When the light
                        is GREEN, this means you may drive as you normally would (well, as an Arizonan normally
                        would). When the light is YELLOW, this means it's about to turn RED, which means you should
                        anticipate that RED light, and slow your backside down. DO NOT try to time the light, DO NOT
                        try to RUN the red light. This will get you killed, especially if it is a busy intersection. The
                        RED light means you may not proceed with driving at this point. YOU HAVE TO STOP driving
                        for a minute or two. Sorry, but let's be honest, you weren't exactly burning up the asphalt to
                        begin with.
 
                    DONTS
 
                    1.  DONT Move here..... Nuff said.
 
                    2.  DONT drive your vehicle in this State. Ever.
 
                    3.  DONT drive in the passing lane at LESS than 20 MPH OVER the posted speed limit. If
                        someone is behind you, assume they are a Traffic Control Volunteer, and get the hell over into
                        the cruising lane.
 
                    4.  DONT forget that there are a LOT of drivers out there, and A LOT of weapons. A Traffic
                        Control Volunteer can be ANYONE, but look very closely at anyone in these two groups: Males
                        with Arizona License plates, and Females with Arizona License plates. If you see someone
                        from one (or both!!) of these groups, get off the street, park, and call a cab immediately. Much
                        safer for all concerned. Neither Arizona drivers nor Traffic Control Volunteers especially
                        appreciate your presence on the roads to begin with, and if you fail to internalize this very
                        important fact, the NEXT ride you take may be in an ambulance! While ambulances are a LOT
                        of fun, they are WAY more expensive per mile than your typical taxicab.
 
                    5.  DONT pay attention to Speed Limit signs in Arizona. The signs are posted because they HAVE
                        to be, but residents don't pay attention to them. If you want to fit in here, you should ignore
                        them as well. DONT worry about the police or possible tickets, as speeding fines are what
                        keep both the State and Auto Insurance Companies going, so please, PUT THE PEDAL TO THE
                        METAL!!
 
                    6. DONT pull out from any parking lot or street into traffic at less than 60 MPH. If your tires
                        aren't squealing, you are going too slow.
 
                    I hope that these DOs and DONTs are a help to you. If not, it's probably because you are too dim
                    to read, which, while it WILL qualify you to drive a motor vehicle in this country, it may ALSO
                    qualify your spouse for your Life Insurance benefits earlier than anticipated. Gunshot Trauma has
                    replaced car accidents as the Number ONE killer of bad drivers in Arizona.... If I have
                    encouraged just ONE of you to forget about Arizona and move to Florida, then the space I used
                    here was well worth it.