January 1997
I read. Thick books. I listen to music. All types. I burn incense and light candles at night. My hands, which type these words, grow older. Am I fooling myself into believing that I can make it? Sometimes, I yearn for a man's arms holding me. Sometimes, I wear my loneliness so comfortably, gracefully. Can't be wishy-washy. This year will be over in a blink. This life. One step forward, two steps back will get you nowhere. God... Suddenly, I miss my childhood. The innocence of my faith and devotion to God. I can't lie. I sense that I have failed God. One last attempt.
"God, I pray to You. Give me strength to break the chain. I'd rather cease to exist than live an aimless, unfulfilling life. I am jealous of those souls who are advanced. God. My God. Do I matter? Why can't You hold me in Your arms?" thai ta