Cast:
Running Time: 6 minutes
Props:
(Brian Donovan sitting on bench anxiously waiting, duffle bag next to him. Janice Wheeler enters, tenetively, as though she's just arrived, and isn't sure what to do. Loudspeaker microphone should use large room effects. Sketch calls for one man, one woman, but can be done in any combination.) Loudspeaker(Brian listening expectantly): Alice Romain. Thomas A. Smith. Ruben Jones. Janice: Excuse me, but may I sit here? All the other benches seem to be full. Brian: (Standing) Sure. I'll be gone in a minute, anyway. Janice: Gone? Gone where? Brian: Well, to heaven, of course. That's what all the names are. People getting called to heaven. Janice: Heaven? So, I did die, then? Brian: If you're here, you're dead. I was in a car accident. How about you? Janice: (a bit mystified, but not sad): Uh.. Well, last thing I remember was being tripped by my cat and falling down the stairs. Must have been worse than it seemed before the lights went out. Loudspeaker(both listen in anticipation): Renea Booker. Adam Jones. Howard Remke. Brian: Wow, what a way to go! Brian. Brian Donovan (extending hand) Janice: Oh, uh, Janice Wheeler. How long have you been here? (Shakes hand) Brian: I don't know, maybe three or four hours. Time is weird around here, I think. Must be a big backlog. So, where's your stuff? Janice: Stuff? What stuff? Brian: You know, your stuff! Evidence that you deserve to get into heaven! Janice: I didn't know I needed anything. Brian: Well, how are they going to know that you were a good person, if you don't bring your stuff? Didn't an angel bring you here? Janice: Uh, I guess. Is that what the guy who led me here was? Brian: Yup. Angel of death, they call him. He's a little different than in the movies, though. I had to fight with him to get to go back to the house and get my stuff. I'm suprised he didn't let you get yours while you were there. Janice: I guess I don't understand. What stuff? Brian: Stuff... You know... STUFF.. Here (opening bag, pulling out stuff): This was the ball that scored the championship goal for my son's 6th grade soccer team. I was the coach that year. (Hand these items to Janice,who puts them on the floor). And I was parent of the year twice! (Showing certificates). I was never arrested, I'm sure they'll have that on record. I, uh, oh.. saleman of the year! Oh, and my scoutmaster uniform! I was a scoutmaster for 7 years straight. (Digging) Oh, here it is. Thought I'd missed it. (pull out small card) My membership card for the First United Methodist Church of Paradise, Michigan. That should be enough to cinch it. But, believe it or not, I was an usher 8 times, taught sunday school for the kids, and even made deacon once. Being that was church stuff, I think they'll have that on record, too. There's no WAY they can turn me down! Janice: Wow. I.. I was never a member of a church. I mean, we went, but I didn't know being a member was so important. Loudspeaker: (again, both look with anticipation): Alan Husted, Irene Thomason. Janice: But I thought you got into heaven by being saved. You know, praying and asking God to save you? Brian: Don't you think that's a bit naive? I mean, getting into heaven is a big deal. I've been going to church all my life. I know what I'm talking about. Don't you think you're going to need more than THAT to get in? Janice: Well, I, uh ... Loudspeaker(both look with anticipation): Randy Allenson, Ronald Black, Janice Wheeler. Janice: Oh, that's me. Wow. (Pleasant suprise) That didn't take long. Brian: (flustered) How did you do that? Janice: (A bit guilty about leaving him behind, but knowing you have to go) I asked God to.. uh, well, you can't get into.. uh..., (turn away, sad, realizing that he's doomed, then get an idea of what to say...) Maybe they're still evaluating your stuff? (Brian look in shock and disbelief) (pause) I really gotta go answer that. (turn to go, then look back, knowing it will be the last time you see him): Good luck! (Brian, deflated, waves, sits, and puts his "stuff" back in the bag one at a time, reverse order, contemplating each one, wondering if it's really enough. Announcer should say next line before the last item is put in the bag. Brain stops, listens pensively, but without as much anticipation, for his name.) Announcer: Gary Marshall, Theresa Brown, Harold Hall. (Lights down)
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© 2001 Michael Faber