(Linda is just arriving home from work, after a long day, holding the mail....)
Linda: Wow... What a day. 4 meetings, 2 client visits, and a partridge in a pear tree. (Look at watch) Hmph... It's Valentines day. I totally forgot. I guess Bob and I have *both* been to busy to pay attention to each other. I hope things are OK with us.
(Looking at mail): Junk mail, credit card offer, Junk mail, phone bill... (look at it for a moment) better hide that until Bob's in a good mood (set aside). Consumer's power, You may have already won a billion dollars, life insurance for practically nothing, doctor bill. I don't know what I anticipate in the mail, anymore. It's never anything good.
I remember as a kid running to the mailbox to get the mail, to see if grandma had sent us anything from whereever she was travelling. Austria, South Africa ... Texas. (laugh, then lament) I don't think I'll ever get to travel like that.
(Go set mail down on table, notice card envelope) What this? (Turn over, see your name) Linda? (Open it, reading) Some wives are demanding, with "honey do" galore, some wives are remanding and nitpik even more, some wives go shopping, all day on their feet, (open card) but I have a wife that is understanding and sweet. Happy Valentines day. (Melt for a moment, then stiffen.)
Well, isn't that just like a man? The ONE VALENTINES day I forget, and he has to go and do something sweet. (Look at the back, see a note) Don't be mad, there's more, don't be heated. Go to the TV and look where I'd be seated. (Go to easy chair, pick up paper). You're closer, now, don't move anymore, but you still have to open the end table drawer. (Open drawer).
Chocolate?!? (Trying to be angry through tears) Alright, who are you, and what have you done with Bob? (Doorbell, go answer it, just off stage) Yes? Uh, Yes, that's me... Yes, I'll sign, what for? You're kidding! No, no... Thanks... (Walk back onto stage with dozen roses.) Now, this takes the cake. I don't know what I'm going to do.
(Bob enters): Honey? I'm home!
Linda (hiding flowers behind her back): Hi honey. Long day at work?
Bob (suprised he isn't getting smothered): Uh, not really, just a little late getting out of the parking lot... Uh.. Did you find the card?
Linda (playing): Oh, yeah.
Bob: Did you read the back?
Linda: Yeah...
Bob: Did you get the chocolate?
Linda: Yes.
Bob (finally looking at her, realizing she was playing): And What, pray tell, do you have behind your back?
Linda: You mean these? I just love them. I wish I knew who they were from.
Bob (jokingly): Me, too.
Linda (giving him a dirty look): The card says "Bob."
Bob: Oh, those. Do you like them?
Linda: They're wonderful. It's so nice to have a husband who thinks of these things!
Bob: So, what'd you get me?
Linda: What? (Then starts hitting Bob over the head with the roses, chasing him off stage.)
© 2001 Michael Faber