The spirit of The Place lives! NBC debuted Aaron Spelling's new series, TITans. It stars Yasmine Bleeth, some men you may or may not have heard of, Yasmine Bleeth, some women you may or may not have heard of, and Yasmine Bleeth. Did I say it stars Yasmine Bleeth?! We're not worthy! We're not worthy!

The show started off in Hawaii with Yasmine and a naked guy played by Casper Van Dien, a graduate of the Andrew Shue School of Acting, frolicking in bed. Naked people rolling around in bed - a Place trademark. From their dialog, they just met and I'm guessing spent a good part of the past week in said bed. He's a Navy aviator on leave who's about to be discharged. He asked her to fly back to San Diego with him. She left him standing at the tarmac.

Two months later (or is it one and a half months? Maybe NBC tape delayed it.), in a scene straight outta "Top Gun," an F-14 fighter requested a fly-by from the tower but was denied. The F-14 did it anyway. The only thing missing was the air traffic controller spilling coffee on himself.

The flyboy was driven to the Beverly Hills residence of his mother Gwen, played by Victoria Principal of "Dallas" fame. Chandler, the flyboy, remarks that mom hasn't change a bit in two years. For a noticeable change in just two years, she would really have had to have deteriorated. Anyway, it turns out his father, her ex-husband, was also having an engagement party that same night. And he lived right across the street. How convenient. Ex-spouses living in close proximity - Place trademark #2.

So Chandler ambled across the street. It probably took him 15 minutes because it looked like they each had half-mile long driveways. He was greeted by his sister Jennifer, played by Elizabeth Bogush. You may or may not remember her from guest appearances on "90210" and "Felicity." I didn't. Anyway, we learned that she's gone five months without having a drink. A character struggling with substance abuse - Place trademark #3.

Next up was sister Lauren, played by Josie Davis. A character played by an actress named Josie with a bad haircut - Place trademark #4. Josie played the innocent, plain-Jane, smart sister to Nicole Eggert's sexy cheerleader character in "Charles in Charge." Let me say that Josie has matured nicely. With a decent haircut, she'd be really hot.

Then brother Peter showed up. With his toothy smile, he looked like Austin Powers after some orthodontia work. He was played by John Barrowman. I've never seen anything he's ever done.

We then met father Richard. He was played by Perry King. Last we saw of him was as Alison's husband on "The Place." He did a Natalie Wood - got drunk, fell off a boat and drowned. Richard then introduced to Chandler his bride-to-be, Heather. And guess what? Heather was the Hawaiian bed girl! Women swapping spit with men who are related - Place trademark #5.

So they pretend they never met. Heather was suddenly taken ill and Chandler was volunteered by dad to drive her home because he hadn't had anything to drink. Now I've never been in that situation, but I would say a drink would have been in order.

In the Porsche that brother Peter was so kind to lend him, Chandler was told that she had no idea he was related to Richard. There must be thousands of Williamses in the phone book. Yeah, right. Like anyone is listed in the Beverly Hills phone book. In fact, I don't know if a Beverly Hills phone book exists.

Which reminds me of a joke that has nothing to do with anything. Why aren't there any Chinese phone books? Because there are so many Wings and Wongs, you might wing the wong number. Bwaahahahah.

Back to the action...

The next morning, a sexy Latina walked into a sleeping Chandler's room and began to fondle his medals. Get your minds out of the gutter. She was actually touching his medals on his uniform. Anyway, she was Samantha, played by Lourdes Benedicto of "NYPD Blue" fame. She played PAA Gina.

Samantha was Richard's personal assistant. She was also the token minority - Place trademark #6. And she apparently has a history involving Chandler and a tree house. Oh, and Samantha was really hot.

Chandler met with dad to talk about his trophy wife. (The concept of trophy wives is cool. I think I'll get me one of those. When I get old that is.) Richard said he hadn't even slept with Heather yet. Bad idea. You wouldn't buy a car before test driving it, would you? But he said he was in love. A pure love. Love he hoped Chandler would experience some day. Well Pops, he has.

After telling dad that he was leaving the Navy, he asked for a job at dad's company's aviation division. Of course he got one. Easily finding employment - Place trademark #7.

Peter entered. After announcing a board meeting later in the day, Richard exited. Peter expressed his feelings about Heather. He thought she's after dad's money. Chandler manhandled him told him to leave it alone. Don't mess with dad's happiness.

Cut to the board room of Williams Global Enterprises. Gwen, who apparently runs the restaurant and hotel division, showed up first. Followed by all the siblings except for Jenny. Her whereabouts were unknown. But where were the other board members? I find it hard to believe that a conglomerate like WGE would only have family members on the board. A large corporation would certainly have stockholders and stockholders would not allow such a controlling interest. Skewed representation of the business world - Place trademark #8.

Inside the club Pulse (probable Place trademark #9 - the hangout), Laurie was talking to mom about Jennie and her new beau Billy. They've been seeing each other for three weeks. Laurie said that constituted a long-term relationship for Jennie. Hey, Jennie sounds like the right girl for me. But Laurie didn't care too much for Billy and leered at the two making out.

Meanwhile, back at the Williams' compound, Peter caught Samantha staring longingly at Chandler while he did laps in the pool. (A pool where no doubtedly a catfight will fall into - Place trademark #10.) Peter came on to her and disparaged her neighborhood. He said Mar Vista was 4 tax brackets away. Hmmph, I feel insulted. I can't even afford to live in Mar Vista.

Well, she spurned him. He figured she's still pining for Chandler and mentioned the jungle gym incident. Exactly what happened in that tree house? My interest is piqued. Might make a good letter to Penthouse. Jennie and Billy had stolen away to his houseboat, The Monica. From there, she invited him to attend her dad's wedding rehearsal dinner. She told him to pick her up at 6464 Beverly Drive. Will that address become as famous as 4616 Melrose Place or 1313 Mockingbird Lane? That remains to be seen. But it's probably right across the street from 6969 Beverly Drive.

Jennie donned her clothes, what there was of it, took off. Lo and behold, there was Laurie. She told Billie she didn't want him seeing Jennie anymore. She had a secret that no one else knew. Place trademark #11 - secrets that come back to haunt you.

While moving some of her stuff into the Williams compound, Heather found a letter addressed to Gwen. She walked the mile between the two houses to hand deliver the misdirected letter. This was the first meeting between the two vixens. Yes, Victoria Principal is still a fox even though she's 50, at least; some say she's 54. But, I'll be her trophy husband. Well, not exactly a trophy. Perhaps a medal. Not a winning medal. Maybe one that says "Participant." At least I was in the game.

Because Peter thought Heather was only after dad's money, he had some stinkin' attorneys draft up a prenup. Heather obligingly signed. Richard didn't. He spouted something about the marriage certificate being the only thing they needed and that "death do we part" crap. All the while Heather tried to hide that "I-signed-it-because-I-knew-you'd-think-I-loved-you-just-for-you-and-not-for-your-money" smirk. She knew he'd tear it up. The fool.

That's something I don't have to worry about because I have nothing to take. Then again, that would preempt me from getting a trophy wife. But not from being a trophy husband. I mean medal husband.

While waiting for Billy to pick her up for the rehearsal dinner, Jennie grew upset that he was half-an-hour late. That drove her to drink. Puh-lease. If something as little as a date being late, she would have been back to drinking months ago.

At the dinner, Peter was trying to extract information about Heather's past and family. Heather said her parents were killed in a car accident. I'm willing to bet that they'll turn up alive later on down the road. Because Place trademark #12 is that if you don't see a corpse, they ain't dead.

She said the car they were riding in skidded off a snowy road. Afterwards, she moved to Beverly Hills because she vowed never to live in a place where it snowed. Well, a few years ago, a freak winter storm sprinkled The Hills with some snow.

Also at the dinner, we learned that Chandler was adopted. Apparently, Richard and Gwen thought he was shooting blanks and she had rotten eggs so they adopted. But they were surprised 10 months later with the birth of Peter. So Chandler and Richard sharing sperm with Heather isn't quite so creepy. But still...

A coin was tossed to see whether Peter or Chandler would walk Heather down the aisle. Chandler won the toss. Which was appropriate since he's already tossed her.

She asked that he wear his uniform because she always loved a man in uniform. She also loved a man out of uniform.

A drunken Jennie drove to Billy's houseboat, named The Monica. A woman named Monica greeted her. Jennie assumed she was Billy's sister because he told her the boat was named for his sister. Yeah, right. Nobody names their boat for their sister. Except in Appalachiaville, Alabama. Monica was Billy's wife. Doh!

Jennie then proceeded to smash into Billy's car with hers.

That escapade made it back to Richard and Gwen. He argued to put her back into rehab. She argued against it. She said the last placed scared her half to death. Um, isn't that the point of rehab? To scare you into stopping to drink? The conversation turned to the fact that she wasn't invited to his wedding. What's the proper protocol? Should exes be invited to your wedding. I can tell you this, I've never been invited to an ex-girlfriend's wedding.

Despite that they both agreed Heather would be pissed, Richard invited Gwen to the wedding.

Peter drove Heather home from the dinner. He told her his apprehensions about her while she stripped. He wondered what she was doing. Duh-uh! She wants you. But he shunned her.

Now if he wanted to ruin his dad's relationship with her, he should have done her. He would have had DNA proof on his tallywacker or the condom. But he turned her down cold. The only explanation I could find is that he's gay. Place trademark #13 - token gay guy.

Now we're at the weddin. Richard told Heather he invited Gwen to the ceremony. She was pissed. But the most interesting part was that he saw the bride before the wedding. That's bad luck. And we all know that bad luck will definitely befall him.

So Chandler, dressed in his Navy outfit which made him look more like a valet, walked down the aisle with Heather. She took the opportunity to tell him she was pregnant. And it was his child. Place trademark #14 - being pregnant with somebody else's child. I hate when that happens.

A few final comments: Why would a rich kid enlist in the armed forces? That question was never addressed. Most spoiled brats do their darndest to avoid military service. Just ask Bill Clinton. And Yasmine's character is obviously Spelling's tribute to Heather Locklear, who (or is it whom?) he calls his good luck charm. Who knows, Heather may join the cast next year after ABC cancels "Spin City."

That's it for this week. Tune in next week for "Dysfunction Junction" where we will be introduced to Richard's younger brother Jack, played by Jack Wagner. And be sure to check out my new "TITans" site at http://www.oocities.org/tvtitans/.

'Til then...