Transcribed via microcassette and VCR tape.

SCOTT
What?

CONAN
Huh?? Oh, uhhh--

SCOTT
[amused, dismissive] It's -- I'm Canadian, I don't care about your stupid holiday.

[CONAN, ANDY, and AUDIENCE are laughing. Some in AUDIENCE are boo-ing.]

SCOTT
We don't -- Thanksgiving.

CONAN
You know you've just endeared yourself to the crowd even more.

SCOTT
[amused, exaggeratedly dismissive, eyes rolling] Yeah -- Happy Thanksgiving.

[EVERYONE laughs.]

CONAN
[laughing, dismissive] "Enjoy my bidet story." [S: Exactly--]
Are you enjoying the holidays? I'm gonna try one more time to Clean this up. Ya--

SCOTT
--Yeah, I did, I got a--

CONAN
[joking, thumb up] --havin' a good holiday, huh?

SCOTT
You know what I love about the holidays, I love the, all the, the cards an' the letters that come, an' I. I got my first holiday season uhhh, uh letter today. May I, show you?

CONAN
Uh-huh.

SCOTT
[pulling it out of pants pocket] An' it's from my best friend in L.A. It's from my -- uh -- Saturn dealer. And uh--

[AUDIENCE laughs.]

SCOTT
--oh, you get so close when you buy a car from a Saturn dealer.

ANDY
Sure.

CONAN
I've heard about this, they actually -- uh--

SCOTT
[unfolding letter] Well, she writes me more than my mother does. Hm-mm. And, uh -- unlike my mother, she's actually read my book. Uhm--

[ANDY's amused.]

SCOTT
[amused, starts fondly reading] She goes, uh, "Dear Scott, As a Saturn family member, I wanted to be sure to wish you the bestest holiday ever. Happy Turkey Day! Just to keep you up to date on what's going on with Leia," (her name's Leia) "I'm planning to go up north to see my parents for Thanksgiving dinner. Hope to get some 'skiing' in." She's got quotations around 'skiing,' [knowingly] I wonder what that means.. A little bit of a [taps his nose knowingly, EVERYONE starts laughing] Yeah, Linnea. It's the holidays an' all.

SCOTT
[he continues as laughter subsides] Anyways--

CONAN
Uh-huh.

SCOTT
--That's probably what made her -- gave heer the inspiration to write the letter--

CONAN
Uh-huh.

SCOTT
So, thank you f -- to cocaine -- for the letter.

CONAN
Yeah.

SCOTT
[returns to reading] Uh. "Sorry to hear that Lucy had the sniffles"--Oh, that's sweet..

CONAN
Wha -- what is that?

SCOTT
Well, Lucy's my car. Because she's red. And uh, the sniffles, she probably heard -- uh -- that, uh, I have a little, slow leak in the front tire. [fondly] So she calls it the "sniffles." Isn't that adorable.

[continues reading] "Thanks to you, I was named Top Customer Satisfaction Consultant at Saturn of the Valley." [cheerleader aside] Good for you! "Your sister in Saturn, Leia Scully." Oh! Here's a P.S. I love P.S.es.

CONAN
--Okay--

SCOTT
"Be sure to stop by an' see the world's first coupe with a Third Door."
[deadpans interest to ANDY] Well, that will be exciting, won't it?

ANDY
Mmm!

SCOTT
[to ANDY] You come with me!

ANDY
I certainly would!

SCOTT
[fondly] Wow, I would just love to thank her.

CONAN
[amused] They're gonna hate you now. [laughs]

SCOTT
[touched about the letter] Oh. That is so, I'm, I'm, I'm gonna cry. That is beautiful. I'd love to thank her, somehow. I don't--

CONAN
[interested, amused] Uh-huh.

SCOTT
I don't know, maybe I could call her or somethin'..

CONAN
--You wanna call her--

SCOTT
[somewhat at a loss] You think I should give her, just give her a ring?

CONAN
We have a phone if you wanna call her. You can call her on the air--

SCOTT
[subtly knowing] Well, let's do that, let's do a completely natural, unscripted call-- [CONAN's doubled over, laughing] --to, Leia.

[AUDIENCE applauds as CONAN gets the phone out.]

CONAN
[wry business] Alllll right.

SCOTT
Let's do that!

CONAN
[has phone] Here we go.

[AUDIENCE applauds.]

SCOTT
See if she's there, I have her number here.

CONAN
All right. Give her a call.

SCOTT
Give her a call. [picks up receiver]

CONAN
Yeah, you gotta to dial nine ou -- first, to dial--

SCOTT
I gotta dial nine, 'cause this is a real call. [earnestly punches number after number -- about 15 to 18 digits -- and AUDIENCE really enjoys that]

She's up north! [phone starts ringing]

[smiles, hand to breast] Oh now, I'm very nervous.

[phone stops ringing, but no answer] Hello?

LEIA
Hello?

SCOTT
Hello, Leia? This is Scott calling!

LEIA
[dumbfounded] Who is this?

SCOTT
Sco-o-ot. Scott Thompson?

LEIA
Uh. Scott Thompson?

SCOTT
Yeah! Remember I bought a Saturn from you two an' a half years ago?

[AUDIENCE is amused.]

LEIA
I -- uh, I'm sorry, I, I don't know who you are.

SCOTT
[enthused] "Happy Turkey Day!"

[LEIA laughs awkwardly.]

SCOTT
[amused, relieved] Have you been, have you been "skiing"?

LEIA
Skiing?

SCOTT
[knowingly tapping nose] Yeah. Have you been "skiing," Leia?

LEIA
Who are -- who are you, sir?

SCOTT
I bought a Saturn from you a couple o' years ago, an' you just sent me a lovely letter an' I wanted to thank you.

LEIA
[impatient] Uh-huh, uh-huh.

SCOTT
[cluelessly social] Yeah, so uh--

LEIA
[dumbfounded, put out] Yeah, sir -- sir, this is my home phone number.

SCOTT
Oh, so you're -- you're with your Saturn family? Or your real family?

[CONAN and AUDIENCE CONAN laugh!]

LEIA
No, I'm with my family.

SCOTT
[knowing look] 'Cause, you know, I'm a gay man, an' I understand "Chosen Family."

LEIA
Sir, this is Thanksgiving.

SCOTT
Oh, I'm sorry, but -- Oh! Leia! How's the, world's first coupe with a third door?

[LEIA quickly hangs up and the dial tone starts. AUDIENCE is happy, applauding.]

CONAN
So, the uh--

SCOTT
Man. That didn't go very well.

CONAN
[laughing] The book is Buddy Babylon: The Autobiography of uh Buddy Cole.

SCOTT
Yeah.

CONAN
And uh, yeah. Something new next time for you to plug--

SCOTT
[smiling] I keep plugging it so that my parents will read it.

[CONAN's amused.]

SCOTT
My father -- I've -- told me that he read the book, an' I said, "Oh, Dad! You read the book?" An' he went, "Yup.."

"What'd ya think?"

[noncommittal, reticent] "I read the book."

An' that was the end of it.

CONAN
That's it?

SCOTT
[smiling] Yup.

CONAN
Well, you've also managed to inject uh, family love into the segment, too.

SCOTT
[smiling] Yeah. Now you know why our family never had Talks.

[CONAN acts awkward, blows out, and then laughs.]

SCOTT
The cover story was {miasma}.

CONAN
[laughs] All right, everybody. Scott Thompson! Give him a hand. There's no one like Scott. We'll take a break, we'll be right back.

[AUDIENCE is cheering as the band plays to commercial.]

Last Updated: 1 Dec 1999