Synopsis: The Jacksons and Butchers attempt the joint Christmas dinner. The Kapoors spend Christmas together as well. Nellie and the rest of the older set get together for a nice non-traditional Christmas. The Batses save the day. Fun at the Fowlers. Storm and stress in the Vic: Grant relentlessly leans on Sharon to sign divorce papers, she insists they talk. (Will this be Sharon's last day in Walford?)

Directed by Jo Johnson.

In Britain, a "solicitor" is a lawyer. To "post" something is to mail it. "Boxing Day" is the day after Christmas. "Crisps" are potato chips. "Mincemeat" is minced apples and suet, together with raisins, currants, candied citron, and the like. "Shepherd's pie" is a casserole of ground meat with a crust of mashed potatoes.

In Cockney English, to "sod about" means to "screw around." A "punter" is a customer. A "cracker" is a good-looking woman. "Hoy!" means "Hey!"--an attention getting exclamation (usually pronounced "Oy!"). (Note: "eh" is usually pronounced "Ay," like the name of the letter A, especially when at end of a sentence/question. Eh?)

Braces {} enclose unclear speech.

NAT = NATALIE = NAT
KATH = KATHY = KATH
CHELLE = MICHELLE = CHELLE

39 scenes.

34 characters: NELLIE, ART, PAULINE, MARTIN, MICHELLE, VICKY, MARK, RUTH, GRANT, SHARON, DEBS, NIGEL, CLARE, ALAN, CAROL, RICKY, JANINE, DAVID, PAT, GITA, SANJAY, SHARAMILA, JULES, BLOSSOM, ETHEL, BIANCA, NATALIE, SONIA, BILLY, ROBBIE, KATHY, IAN, CINDY, and DR. LEGG. Cast list (cast.htm 3K)

Note: After Phil needed brain surgery, Grant had come and waited by his bed and was there alone in the middle of the night when Phil woke up. Then Grant got Phil to say Sharon forced herself on him and he couldn't say no. Now they can be good old brothers again.

When I printed this, it took 28 pages.

Transcribed via microcassette and copious notes.

[Christmas morning. Kids nicely biking in the square. SHARON is looking out her living room window at them. She smiles.]

NELLIE
A very lucky bo-oy. I've never seen so many presents.

ART
Ha, ha!

PAULINE
Oh! That reminds me: you haven't had yours yet. [pulls out gift] Here you are--it's from all of us. Merry Christmas.

NELLIE
Oh! Thank you, both--Ooo! While we're at it! [pulls hers out] For both of you.

PAULINE
Oh! You shouldn't have. We weren't expecting anything, were we, Arthur?

ART
No, no, we weren't.

NELLIE
It's not very much, but, I thought of you the minute I saw it.

ART
Oh, that's very kind.

NELLIE
Oh! Very nice. Thank you both, very much.

PAULINE
Oh! A new iron.

ART
[subtly wry] How lovely.

NELLIE
Well, I knew your old one was playin' you up and I thought it'd do you a turn.

PAULINE
Well, it's very much appreciated, isn't it, Arthur?

ART
Yeah, very much so--thanks Nellie.

PAULINE
Thank you. Gee, I wish you'd change your mind, come an' have your Christmas dinner with us.

NELLIE
No. You'll have a housefull. Besides, it'd be rude after Jules has gone to all that trouble.

ART
Oh. Left him slaving over a hot stove, have you?

NELLIE
Well, he hadn't actually started when I left, but I--I know he's got it all under control.

PAULINE
Well, you're still welcome to change your mind--you could invite Jules as well, eh?

ART
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

NELLIE
Oh we'll be fine. Maybe we'll call in later for the drink.

PAULINE
Oh, that'd be nice.

NELLIE
Yeah.

PAULINE
Oh, there's the others! [people are coming in the kitchen way] Hello!

ART
Oh, hello! Merry Christmas!

[MICHELLE, VICKY, MARK, and RUTH are arriving, cheerful, nice. Greetings continue.]

SHARON
Morning? I bought you something. I didn't know what to do. [puts flat, red wrapped, present on table.]

GRANT
I've got something for you, too.

SHARON
What's that.

GRANT
[points to papers] Divorce papers.

SHARON
Yyyou been going through my things?

GRANT
[testy/angry] You said you signed them.

SHARON
I wanted time to read them properly. [heads for hall]

GRANT
[gets up] You've had 'em for weeks!

SHARON
I've been busy! I haven't had time.

GRANT
Yeah, you've got time now.

SHARON
[standing in hall] I wanna make sure I'm doin' the right thing--I--I need time to think.

GRANT
[is now standing in hall, too] What's there to think about? I don't want you as a wife any more.

SHARON
But I should talk to someone. A solicitor.

GRANT
You said you posted 'em an' stop sodding about an' sign the forms!

SHARON
But Grant! It's Christmas Day!

GRANT
[smugly hands her the papers] Merry Christmas. [pauses and walks away]

DEBS
So, we going, then, or what?

NIGEL
Going where?

DEBS
The Jacksons'?

NIGEL
Oh, yeah! I thought it'd be fun, you know, Pat'll be there an' we did promise Clare that she could see Janine.

CLARE
[hopeful] Oh, please!

NIGEL
Okay?

DEBS
Oh, well, we'll see how we feel after dinner, eh?

NIGEL
All right.

DEBS
[amused at them] What'd you like it then, Clare?

NIGEL
Yeah--of course she does--it's brilliant, i'n' it?
Whoa!

DEBS
[amused] Nigel! Haven't you forgotten you're meant to be doing something for me?

NIGEL
What?

DEBS
Well, the turkey.

NIGEL
What about it?

DEBS
Well, you--you promised you'd take the {vicks} out for me.

NIGEL
Ohhh, right. [hands CLARE the control box] Here y'are. Watch it on the corners--it wobbles a bit.

DEBS
Oh, and--uh, while you're there, put the stuffing in for me.

NIGEL
All right.

DEBS
[amused]

[NIGEL goes inside, DEBS comes up to CLARE, who's paused from doing the car.]

DEBS
You all right, darling?

CLARE
Yeah.

DEBS
You wanna go inside watch one of your videos?

CLARE
In a minute.
[amused] Nigel's gonna teach me how to spin a wheelie.

DEBS
[chuckling] Oh, yeah?

CLARE
Yeah.
It's the best Christmas, isn't it?

DEBS
Yeah.

CLARE
Better than last year..

DEBS
Yeah.

NIGEL
[opens the window and sticks his head out, his hands are in oven mitts] Right: I'm goin' in!

[They all laugh. Then he goes back in, making turkey noises inside and saying "Come back! Come back!" DEBS and CLARE are laughing.]

SHARON
What happened to us, Grant?..
Sign these--it's over--all of it.
Everything we ever talked about, dreamed about..

GRANT
No. It was over when you slept with somebody else.
[resentful, looming pause]
This is just cleaning up afterwards. [is leaving]

SHARON
Still love you, you know.
Grant?

GRANT
[has come to front of bar, plops beer down] What'd you expect from me, eh?

SHARON
I don't know.
Time. A--a chance to explain, to talk about it--

GRANT
I've done talking. I just want it finished with.
[looming pause]
I don't want you anymore.

SHARON
I won't believe that. I can't.

GRANT
[gets up] Grow up, Sharon. [puts his face right up to her] I don't love you. We're not gonna get back together again. An' there's no such thing as Father Christmas. Now sign the forms!! [leaves]

ALAN
So what time they coming?

CAROL
About 12:30. Thought we'd get it about one; get it over with.

ALAN
So much for the quiet family Christmas, eh?

CAROL
Well; if Bianca an' Ricky are serious about each other, we'll have to do this sooner or later.

ALAN
Mmm.

CAROL
You gonna be all right?

ALAN
Well, spending Christmas dinner with your woman's ex-boyfriend ain't exactly what I planned. But I don't see as I've got much choice.

CAROL
But you will try, won't you? [sighs] Fantasy?

ALAN
[calm, bemused] I won't show you up, if that's what you mean.

CAROL
I know you won't.

ALAN
Just make sure he don't get a bigger dinner than me.

DAVID
Oh Mum! That's smashing! Thanks very much.

PAT
Should be. The price of it.

DAVID
Well, they're worth it, though, i'n' they.

PAT
Yours as well, Ricky?

RICKY
Yeah! It's nice!

PAT
What did Bianca get ya?

RICKY
Oh, just s-some tapes an' that.

PAT
Gonna go by an' pick her up?

RICKY
No, she's goin' to see the little uns so I said I'd meet her over there. What time they expectin' us, Mum?

PAT
Uuuh--half twelve. Just make sure there's no arguments when we get in there, the pair of you--I don't want you showin' me up.

DAVID
You know me: Mister Placid.

PAT
Yeah, well, just make sure you are..

DAVID
Well, we're not gonna be there that long, are we?

PAT
Only as long as we have to..

RICKY
[objecting] We can't leave too early--at least make a go of it!

PAT
We will, love!
I just think that, the less time we're there, the less chance there is of any argument.

RICKY
What do we have to argue? We're only going to Christmas dinner.

PAT
[sighs] Let's just hope you're right, shall we?..

SHARON
Aren't you gonna open it..? [pause, comes in, sits opposite him] Please talk to me, Grant.

GRANT
[sighs] Okay, darlin'. Anything for you. What would you like to talk about?

SHARON
Us.

GRANT
Uss. Well, who's gonna go first, eh? You. Or me.

SHARON
I don't mind.

GRANT
Well, let's talk about you, eh?

Why did you sleep with my brother?

SHARON
[doesn't have an immediate answer]

GRANT
Oh, what? That one a little too difficult? [breathes in] Well let's try an easier one, eh? Why did you sleep with my brother?

SHARON
[pause] I..

GRANT
You..

SHARON
Hard to explain..

GRANT
Yeah, of course; it must be.
How about if I, ah, give you a list of possibilities an' you just pick one, eh? That be easier?

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

You couldn't resist his after shave.

It was dark; you couldn't see who it was..

You're a slut.

SHARON
That is not true; stop sayin' that.

GRANT
Okay. An' what would you call yourself, eh?

SHARON
I made a mistake--

GRANT
No, a mistake is giving someone--salt in your crisps when they asked for cheese--No'n' you're hardly the same, is it--

SHARON
But you won't give me a chance to explain!

GRANT
Why should I give you a chance to do anything?

SHARON
I don't know! But.. Because you loved me once. Be--Because I'm still your wife. Because it's Christmas Day! Anything! Just try..

GRANT
Oh, yeah, it's Christmas. The season of goodwill to all--sluts. [gets up] Well, let's get in the spirit of things, eh? [carries a pile of plates, mock singing] Jingle bells. Jingle bells. [slams a plate down to the floor, shattering it] Jingle all the way [slams another plate down]! Oh what fun [slam]! it is to ride on a one horse open sleigh [slam] --

SHARON
Grant! Stop it! Please!

GRANT
[looming angry pause] Sign the forms. [puts plates on table and walks out over the mess]

GITA
Hi.

SANJAY
All right..

GITA
Well, don't just stand there--come in. She's through there.

SANJAY
Hello, baby! [kneels down, whispers] Daddy's gonna get you--here. [puts gifts down] {--gonna--come on} [kisses her] Mmmuh.

SHARAMILA
[during that] Mmammamma..

GRANT
[sigh, calm] Hello?
Hello, Mum.
No, no, we're just havin' a quiet one, you know.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I think she's enjoyin' herself. You wanna talk to her?
[snidely looks over at SHARON picking up plate pieces]
No. Sorry mum--she's, uh, bastin' the turkey at the moment.
Yeah, yeah--ring you later on.
Hopin' to--later on this afternoon, eh? Just make sure, uh, Phil doesn't eat all the mince pies, eh?

Yeah, all right, Mum. Of course I love you.
Merry Christmas. [hangs up]

[SHARON slams plate pieces down and leaves. He grins with satisfaction.]

JULES
Here we are!

NELLIE
[surprised, hides her disappointment] You mean we're eatin' here?!

JULES
It's much more than you can eat--an' no washing up!

NELLIE
The "Darby and Joan" Christmas party?

BLOSSOM
[calling from a table--ETHEL's with her] Jules! Nellie! Come on Ethel.

[BLOSSOM and ETHEL go over to them, BLOSSOM saying, "Excuse me," to someone on the way.]

BLOSSOM
You made it! Oh! We'd just about given you up!

ETHEL
Oh! Merry Christmas, Nellie! Here: I saved you a place, next to me.

[They ALL head for the table. NELLIE's clearly uncomfortable/disappointed.]

NELLIE
[to ETHEL] Thank you.

GRANT
An' what do you think you're doing..

SHARON
What does it look like..

GRANT
The pub's supposed to be open..

SHARON
To hell with.

GRANT
Don't you think you're bein' a little bit childish?--

SHARON
Christmas has been cancelled--lack of interest. [someone's knocking]

GRANT
There's punters outside.

SHARON
An' that's where they're stayin'.. [holding ornaments, walks to door and shouts to it] We're closed! [briskly walks to box, puts ornaments in]

GRANT
[follows] An' what do you think this is gonna prove, eh?

SHARON
Nothing! I just don't see why I should stand behind that bar, pretending to be happy when I'm not. [now is by shelf, taking down greeting cards]

GRANT
Oh, we're feelin' sorry for ourselves, are we?--

SHARON
Oh, say what you like--I'm past arguing.

GRANT
Then sign the forms!--

SHARON
When I'm ready! You won't do what I want, so why should I help you?

GRANT
Oh, an' what is it you want me to do, eh?

SHARON
To talk..

GRANT
Change your record, Sharon. [close to her face, quiet] We got nothing to say to each other. [turns to leave]

SHARON
Fine. Then sign the flamin' forms yourself..

[GRANT sighs, heads for upstairs.]

BIANCA
All right? Merry Christmas.

PAT
[as they enter, pleasant, to anyone in general] Happy Christmas. [nods] Christmas.

ALAN
[comes in] All right.

PAT
Happy Christmas, Alan.

RICKY
Happy Christmas Alan.

PAT
Table looks nice.

CAROL
Uh, you three up; let them sit down, please. [BILLY, ROBBIE, and SONIA go to floor and couch]

PAT
Anything I can do, Carol?

CAROL
Nno, {thanks. It'll soon} be ready.

[PAT and DAVID sit down.]

ALAN
[has slowly grown concerned/disgusted with the awkward situation] Do you like a drink or anything?

PAT
Oh! Yeah, that'd be nice. Yeah.

DAVID
Cheers, mate. That'd be nice.

CAROL
[handing ALAN a bottle] Oh. We'll have this, then, shall we? Mm?

ALAN
Yeah, yeah, yeah; I'll get some glasses.

CAROL
Yeah, I'll just, ah, check an' see if dinner's ready.

BIANCA
[hastily] Yeah, I'll give you a hand.

PAT
[calls after them] Don't worry about us, you carry on.

[PAT, DAVID, RICKY, and NATALIE sit silently, awkwardly looking at each other as the kids silently, awkwardly sit and play.]

KATH
{From the look of those--those are ten minutes' eatin'.}

ART
"No one does Christmas dinner like Pauline"--I've always said that.

MARK
Yeah, I bet the {slouts} are nice. Heh, heh, heh.

CHELLE
Creep.

RUTH
Well I got friends from Australia? You know, an' every Christmas, we go on the beach. We do the full works: turkey, trimmin', the lot.

MARK
That must be mad..

RUTH
I went over there one year. Boxing Day: I mean, the heat, n--undulatin'--unbearable. I done think the turkey's better off in the oven.

ART
[with others, is amused] Not a proper Christmas, now is it--not like we have.

CHELLE
No, of course it is! I mean, i' not what the weather's like, it's still Christmas. I mean, we think it snows every year--but it don't.

ART
It used to!

CHELLE
What?

ART
Snow every year.

CHELLE
Ah, of course it didn't.

ART
I'm tellin' you we had a white Christmas every year! That was before the owls an' the ozone layer an' that greenhouse thingy.

MARK
Oh, that's the--ah--technical term, is it Dad: "greenhouse thingy"?

[laughter all around]

ART
You know what I mean. Anyway, it always used to snow.

CHELLE
[bored] Yeah, yeah, the summers were hot an' all..

ART
Yes they were!

CHELLE
Oh, Dad, you just want to remember it like that..

ART
No, na--na--na, ha, ha..
[he and others laugh]
Here you are tryin'--

PAULINE
[comes in with food] {Tryin' to shut off shish--} Thanks.

ART
[pause, turns to KATH to change subject] How's our Phil doing?

KATH
Oh, uh--he's okay.

PAULINE
You're not gonna see 'im today?

KATH
Wwell I might pop around there later--see how it goes.

ART
Mmm.. That's a nasty business..

PAULINE
Yeah, well, don't let's go into all that again, I'm sure Kathy's sick of it.

ART
No, I'm only saying, I..

PAULINE
[whispers] Yeah, well, don't.

ART
[to KATH] Look you don't mind, do you Kath?

KATH
No. No.

ART
[to PAULINE] Nn--there?

PAULINE
Yes. Well let's leave it at that, then, shall we?

ART
Well.. [heading for the other end of the table to his seat]

IAN
I wonder how Nellie's gettin' on? I wonder if she's got Jules under the mistletoe yet. Ha.

ART
God help her if she has! Ooo--I wouldn't wish that on anyone! Ha ha!
[people chuckle]

RUTH?
[puzzled] Is it that?

ART
It's a joke.

PAULINE
Yeah, I think it was Very Nice of Jules to invite her. I hope they're havin' a whale of a time.

ART
[raises a toast] Well: Cheers! Happy Christmas!

[Everyone echoes, "Happy Christmas" and toasts.]

ETHEL
I never liked parsnips..

NELLIE
What?

ETHEL
Well, they're givin' us parsnips!

NELLIE
Well, don't eat them.

ETHEL
You've got to eat your parsnips! I mean, Christmas isn't Christmas without parsnips, is it? Mummy always give us some.

NELLIE
I thought you didn't like them..

ETHEL
Well, I mean, you've got to eat them. An' it wasn't like it is today--all these MacDougal's all over the place--

NELLIE
Donald's.

ETHEL
Oh. Yes, well, a--are they another lot? W--In any case, they're all the same.. [a man is singing in background] Potatoes like matchsticks an' all of it disguised in a bun.

ETHEL
Ohhh. Mmha--he's all right, isn't he?

NELLIE
Very nice.

ETHEL
Ooo--can pull my cracker any day.
Ooooo! You just wait 'til I get me hands on the mistletoe! Oooo! He won't know what's hit 'im! [giggling]

NELLIE
You don't change, do you, Ethel?

ETHEL
Better than {bleedin' heart queues.}

NELLIE
What d'you mean?

ETHEL
Well, I mean, you've had a face like a bulldog's backside ever since you come in here!

NELLIE
Yes, well, perhaps it's the company.

ETHEL
Yes, well it might be.. I mean, I bet there's about thirty people in here. I doubt if all of them'll see another Christmas. [looking around]

There's only one with an unsmiling face..

NELLIE
Meanin' me, I suppose?..

ETHEL
Welll!! Mm, ha--if the cap fits, wear it!

[PEOPLE clap for JULES, done with his song.]

GRANT
All you're doin' is cuttin' up your nose to spite your face..

SHARON
I have spent two months listenin' to you callin' me names, treatin' me like I'm nothing, [GRANT's sighing] an' tryin' not to blame ya! Convincin' myself that it's not your fault, that it's mine! I've been askin' ya--beggin' ya--to talk about it but you won't--You just cut me off! Well, I've had enough.

GRANT
You made your bed. Don't blame me if you don't want to lie in it. [comes around from behind bar]

SHARON
Oh, I know what I did was wrong. But how long 'ave I got 'o pay for it? Another month? A year? The rest of my life!?!

GRANT
[right up to her face] Yeah. If that's what it takes.

SHARON
Well, I'm sorry, Grant, but I can't. I won't.

GRANT
Oh! So that's it, then, Sharon!?! Had enough now?! Don't wanna play anymore?!

SANJAY
Ya got any beers.

GITA
Yeah; help yourself.

SANJAY
[finds them in refrigerator] Heyy! Great. You buy these for me?

GITA
[friendly] You're not the only guest I have you know.

SANJAY
Oh, an' these just happen to be the ones I used to buy..

GITA
Coincidence. [starts drying dishes]

SANJAY
Oh yeah--of course it is.. Hey d'you want me to do anything?

GITA
Like what?

SANJAY
Well, I can help you with the dryin' up if you want, I mean..

GITA
[amused] You, ha ha! Help with the dryin' up?!

SANJAY
You'd be surprised what I can do these days, you know.

GITA
Really?

SANJAY
Yeah; cooking, cleaning. I do a great shepherd's pie.

GITA
Mmm! Maybe what you can buy in a box these days is good.

SANJAY
No! W--I actually make it! You get some mincemeat, you add some tomatoes, you got a big kettle--

GITA
All right, all right! I take your word for it. I just never thought I'd see the day, that's all.

SANJAY
I'm full of surprises.

GITA
Is that so.

SANJAY
Yeah. Give me half a chance, an' I'll show you.

GITA
[looks up at him] Show me. [hands him the towel, and stifles a laugh at his reaction--he'd hoped for a romantic moment]

SHARON
I've just had enough.

GRANT
Then sign the divorce papers.

SHARON
I will when it suits me, when I've seen the solicitor-- [heads for the living room and he follows]

GRANT
Well, what's a solicitor gonna do for you, eh?

SHARON
Tell me what I'm entitled to, what my rights are!

GRANT
You haven't got any rights.

SHARON
We'll see.

GRANT
All, right, you fight me, take me to court. Everything they say you can have, I'll burn to the ground.

SHARON
Leave me alone.

GRANT
I'll own you! Everywhere you turn, I'll be lookin' at you! You won't have a life 'cause I won't let you have one--

SHARON
Grant! Please!

GRANT
You'll have nothing! Just like I've got!

SHARON
For God's sake! Can't you see I can't take anymore!?
[GRANT's gone silent and she's crying]
Just leave me alone.

GRANT
[marches off]

NAT
[quietly wry] Great party! You wouldn't wanna miss it for the world!

BIANCA
Don't you start.

NAT
You can cut the atmosphere better than you could the turkey.

BIANCA
Well, I don't know what to do.

NAT
Well, spike the drinks or somethin'. Anything's better than this.

BIANCA
Oh, so then we'll all end up like you, I suppose?

NAT
Oh, well, what else is there to do apart from get drunk?--

BIANCA
Oh, go on, Nat!

NAT
If I'd known it was going to be a flamin' wake, I wouldn't o' bothered.

BIANCA
Ha! Well, don't stay on our account. Why don't you go an' give "Derrick" a ring, eh?
I'm sure he'd be pleased to hear from ya.. [leaves]

RICKY
What was that all about?

NAT
Nothing.

RICKY
Well, it sounded like she was havin' a dig.

Uhhh, you an' Derrick split up or something, then.

NAT
No..

RICKY
Well, what, then?

NAT
I told you, nothing.

RICKY
Oh, has he gone away or something?

NAT
Look! There is no Derrick, all right?!

RICKY
What?!

NAT
[difficult] I got sick of watchin' you two slobbering all over each other, so I made him up, okay?

Bianca would have told you sooner or later anyway.
I suppose you think I'm really stupid, now, di'n't ya?

RICKY
[still taken aback, puzzled] No.

NAT
Yes you do. Still: give you both something to have a good laugh about later, won't it? [leaves]

DAVID
Thanks, Carol. That was, uh, that was very nice.

CAROL
I'm glad you enjoyed it.

PAT
Yeah. It was lovely.

NAT
[goes on couch by BIANCA and SONIA] For cryin' out loud.

SONIA
[to BIANCA] Ow!

[Door bell rings. RICKY goes and gets it.]

SONIA
{Why'd you do that--flo}

BIANCA
Just shut it!

CAROL
[quiet, calm] Hoy! Pack it in, the pair of you.

DEBS, CLARE and NIGEL
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Hey! [popping noisemakers, then pause as they see there isn't much of a merry response]

NIGEL
What we doin'--having a minute's silence for the turkey?.. Ha.

[EVERYONE only looks at him.]

JULES
Would you still have come if you'd known where you were going?

NELLIE
Probably not. [chuckles]

JULES
That's why I--I didn't tell you; I thought you might even be angry.

NELLIE
I can't blame you. I'm startin' to realize sometimes I'm me own worst enemy.

JULES
Well, let's say you're, um, a little, set in your ways.

NELLIE
Hm! Well you're more polite than Ethel! I'll give you that!

JULES
Ethel?

NELLIE
Oh! It doesn't matter!

JULES
You know, the only thing that matters is that you're enjoying yourself.

NELLIE
It's the best Christmas I've had in years! [chuckles]

JULES
Good.

SHARON
[wryly] Merry Christmas.

GRANT
[smirks] Oh, you look very attractive..

SHARON
Get stuffed. I don't know what I look like now.
You'll never find anyone better than me.

GRANT
You reckon.

SHARON
I know.

GRANT
I lift up any stone, I find three of you.

SHARON
You wish.
You don't know what you want, do you?

GRANT
I don't want you.

SHARON
You made that perfectly clear.

GRANT
So why don't you sign the divorce papers?

SHARON
I don' know.
Look, I know what I did was wrong--

GRANT
Wrong!?--

SHARON
All right! It was the biggest mistake in the history of the world--at least let me finish.

Do you think I'd o' put up with this if I wasn't sorry? If I didn't feel guilty? If I didn't know what I'd done to you? Well, whatever I've done, I don't deserve this!

You've never thought why, have you? Why I did it. You've never thought that a part of it, no matter how small, might be down to you--

GRANT
Heh, oh, so it's my fault now, is it?

SHARON
No.
But you think I'd a done something like that if we'd been happy!? If I'd been happy? Think about it! [some of this is hitting home with GRANT]

Think about how you were treatin' me. How I used to dread you comin' home drunk in case you picked a fight.

You weren't a husband, a lover. You weren't even a friend..

Even when you weren't drunk, you'd fly off the handle for no reason, I was terrified of you. You treated me like dirt an' you wonder why I turned to someone else!

GRANT
Yeah, but that someone else was my brother.

SHARON
It doesn't matter who it was!!
What matters is that I felt the need to do it in the first place! Okay, what I did was wrong; I said that. But you were the cause an' you made it happen!

[pauses, quiet] I can still make it all right, you know. It doesn't have to be too late.

GITA
I think she's worn herself out. [sits]

SANJAY
Well, yeah: I know the feelin'!

GITA
She really enjoyed you being here today. [slides down to sit on floor, too]

SANJAY
Yeah.

GITA
Me too.

GRANT
[quiet] You ruined anything we had.

SHARON
I know. An' there's nothing I wouldn't do to get it back. All you've gotta do is say the word.

GRANT
You've no idea what it feels like, have you?
You ever have anybody, ram their fist down your throat, an' pull out your insides.

SHARON
[gets up and goes to him] Oh, I know you're hurtin', darlin'. I can make it better if you'll let me. I can always make it better. [kisses him gently]

[After about a gentle second, GRANT violently shoves her away and stands staying in the same place and in control.]

GRANT
[shouting] That how it was with Phil, eh?! Is that how you came on to him!?

SHARON
No!

GRANT
Look at you! Just like your mother! Drunk an' begging for it--he told me that's how it was--

SHARON
What?!

GRANT
Phil! He told me how you came on to him, how you threw yourself at him!

SHARON
[really shocked] He said that?!

GRANT
[outraged] He told me everything--how you tried it on, how he tried to stop you, an' you were all over 'im!

SHARON
[righteous objection] That's not true!

GRANT
He doesn't lie to me anymore; I know everything!
He even said, if it hadn't a been 'im, it'd be somebody else!

SHARON
No!

GRANT
You make me sick. [calmly walks away]

BIANCA
A new {mermaid}!

RICKY
Oh, no! "Something" called "something," yeah?!

NIGEL
{It all means to, ah} uh, the "Loch Ness Monster in New York."

[laughter]

PAT
You're really something, you know that?! Yeah!

NIGEL
"Desperately Seeking Salmon."

DEBS
No!

RICKY
"Fish Called 'Wanda'"!

[EVERYONE says "Oh!" Haha!" "Oh!" Cheers and clapping.]

-boom- -boom- -boom-boom-

Last Updated: 1 March 1998