Transcript: EastEnders - 11 May 1995 The Television Transcript Project
EastEnders
Written by: Richard Zajdlic
11 May 1995



British Air Date: Thursday, 11 May 1995. (Aired in Denver, CO, USA on: 22 July 1997.) Probably episode #170 in the second numbering series (after the first 952 episodes). Transcript of the previous episode (Tuesday)

Synopsis: Kathy's birthday starts off well but the Meal from Hell looms for the evening; early on, David winds Ricky up; Robbie has chucked in his paper route but Carol wants him to take it back; Della and Binnie have fun with Lydia's opinion of herself; Ricky moves back into his dad's house, winding David up every chance he finds; how will Phil meet his promise to Kath to be the sweetest bloke Ian ever met that evening?

In Cockney English (or British English in general, for some terms), a "chippie" is a fish and chips (fries) shop. A "git" is similar to, but not so as strong as a "sod" or "bugger" ("a vulgar slang term for a child or a sodomite" -- which in turn are perhaps equivalents to the U.S. terms "fucker" and "asshole"). To "rabbit on" is to chatter; "poxy" means inferior, "glam" is short for glamorous; a "wind-up" is like "getting someone's goat" in the U.S.--a deliberate tease or lie to make someone angry; a "lorry" is a truck; "cheers" and "ta" both mean thank you; "cheers" can also mean good-bye (and also "cheers" is sometimes a toast); a "flat" is an apartment; a "row" is an argument (rhymes with "wow"); a "quid" is a pound (money). "Hoy!" is an attention getting exclamation (which sounds more like "Oy!" to me.)

Notes: "eh" is usually pronounced "Ay," like the name of the letter A, especially when at end of a sentence/question. Eh? "Loo--" is "Look", interrupted.

KATH = KATHY = KATH
CHELLE = MICHELLE = CHELLE
DEBS = DEBBIE = DEBS

Braces {} enclose unclear speech.

About 30 scenes.

19 characters: ROBBIE, CAROL, PHIL, KATH, IAN, CINDY, BIANCA, DAVID, RICKY, DELLA, LYDIA, BLOSSOM, MR. DUGAN, DEBBIE, PEGGY, GRANT, BINNIE, MICHELLE, PAULINE, and Wellhard and Frieda (plus CUSTOMER and WAITER). Cast list (cast.htm 3K)

When I printed this, it took 35 pages.

Transcribed via VCR tape and microcassette.


[EastEnders Intro with theme music (time: 00:27). Intro theme: Save music (417kb mp3).]

[Thursday morning. Outside, CAROL, ROBBIE, and Wellhard are walking.]

ROBBIE
Now--get off me, all right?

CAROL
What, you gonna walk there yourselves are ya?

ROBBIE
Mom, what for?

CAROL
'Cause if you don't, I'll march you there!

ROBBIE
Mom, I can't go back now! I told ya yesterday I was chuckin' it in!

CAROL
W-you'll just have to tell 'em you've changed you mind, won't ya?

ROBBIE
I can't belie' this--it's only a flippin' paper route.

CAROL
Look. This ain't a branch of Bernardo's, you know. You've left school, Robbie. We can't afford to have you sittin' here doing nothing!

ROBBIE
Well I won't be!

CAROL
You're an adult now, an' that means you've got 'o start contributing to your keep. Well, and your dog's. Not just to run off things when he's ill, I mean all the time! Well, his food for a start.

ROBBIE
Mum, I can't--

CAROL
He is your responsibility. Now if you can't afford to feed him, then he'll have to go an' live somewhere else.

ROBBIE
You can't chuck him out!

CAROL
[keeping voice down] Oh yeah? Just watch me. I'll go straight up to Kings Cross an', "Oh dear! Uh! I've left Wellhard on the overnight to Glasgow!"

ROBBIE
Don't you worry, mum, I'm wanna get a job. I'm wanna get a better one, all right?

CAROL
Well, I should hope so, but until you do, you're gonna carry on with your paper route.

ROBBIE
What for, mum! I hate doing it!

CAROL
Working in the Laundrette ain't exactly my life's ambition, but I do it because I have to! Now, move!

ROBBIE
[tsk--leaving]

CAROL
[calling after him] Welcome to the Real world, Robbie.


[PHIL and KATH in bed. He's got her breakfast in bed on a tray, which she has about finished.]

PHIL
Happy birthday. [gives her a jeweller's box]

KATH
Oh, thank you. [opens it, a necklace chain]

PHIL
I hope you like it.. You can change it if you like..

KATH
No. No. No.
Phil it.. it's lovely, thank you. [they kiss]

PHIL
Well, I thought I better treat you. I mean, you ain't got many birthdays left, 'i'n't you? [smiles]

KATH
[amused] Oh, don't!

PHIL
[chuckles]

KATH
I {feel} about ninety as it is!

PHIL
[taking tray] So. What you got planned for today, then?

KATH
Oh nothing much. Blossom's in the cafe so, I thought I'd just have a lie in, get me hair done, an' uh.. worry about tonight.

PHIL
What, the meal? It's gonna be great..

KATH
Yeah.. Cindy said Ian's really gonna make an effort..

PHIL
There you go then..

KATH
I want him to accept us, though.. It's important. I--I hate it when we're not gettin' on.

PHIL
It'll be fine..

KATH
You will be nice to him, won't you? You know, the way you were with Ricky the other night. If he could see that side of you--

PHIL
[gently assuring] Listen, I'm going to be the sweetest, kindest bloke he's ever met. And you're goin' to have the best birthday meal you've ever had. Okay?

KATH
Thank you. [they kiss]

PHIL
Now come here.

[He moves in on her and she giggles and yelps in fun.]


[Ian and Cindy's living room. IAN's at the desk. CINDY comes in holding a light blue dress. Note: she seems to have nearly forgotten the corset incident.]

IAN
Here, these figures are lookin' good. You know, for the shop. We keep goin' at this rate, we'll be able to think about openin' up another chippie.

CINDY
Oh, great. Look, I thought I'd wear this tonight--what d'you think?

IAN
[hardly glancing] Nn? Yeah, ah--lovely.

CINDY
Your concern is overwhelming, Ian. What you gonna wear?

IAN
[dread/dismissive] Yeah--I don't know--whatever.

CINDY
Ian, we're supposed to be makin' an effort!

IAN
What for!? It's gonna be a lousy evening, with lousy company!

CINDY
Oh. Thanks.

IAN
Oh you know what I mean.

CINDY
Look. Kathy's relying on us.

IAN
I'm turnin' up, what more's she want?

CINDY
She wants us to enjoy ourselves.

IAN
Well, the only thing I'm gonna enjoy is the taxi home.

CINDY
[sigh] Oh, that's great, that is, i'n't it.

IAN
[witty] In fact, the only plus point is, all right, about this whole stupid evening: we won't have to suffer it again 'til next year. That's if the marriage lasts that long.

CINDY
[very subtle wit] You said it.


[The market. DAVID comes out of the cafe and greets BIANCA.]

DAVID
[happy] Hello love. All set for this afternoon, then?

BIANCA
[smartly] Yup, I'm gonna reverse around the corner if it kills me.

DAVID
Ha! Probably kill us both, the way you drive.

BIANCA
Oh don't be horrible, I'm doin' all right, aren't I?

DAVID
You're doin' great!

BIANCA
I've got an incentive now, anyway.

DAVID
What's that..

BIANCA
Well, the present! You said you'd get me if I done it!

DAVID
Oh, yeah, yeah.

BIANCA
You weren't lyin', was ya?

DAVID
No! No no, I wasn't lyin'.

BIANCA
What is it, then?

DAVID
We're gonna find that out when you do it right, won't you? Oh! Hi, hi--there he is: bang on time. [about RICKY, who's entering the cafe]

RICKY
[stops] An' what's that supposed to mean?

DAVID
I can set my watch by you, Ricky. Eleven o'clock sharp, Phil's go-fer comes to the cafe.

RICKY
I ain't his go-fer.

DAVID
[dismissive] Well, go-fer, tea boy, what's the difference. [to B] Right, I'll see you at {2:50} then. [he's leaving and B's heading into the cafe]

RICKY
[goes to DAVID] Hoy! Look, I ain't nobody's tea boy, all right?

DAVID
[stops] Hey, hey, hey, lighten up, mate. Lighten up! You know what they say, "If it's not true, it can't get to you, can it?" Ta da. [leaves]


[Kool for Kuts. DELLA is with a CUSTOMER. Another CUSTOMER is in the back area under a hair dryer. LYDIA is working on writing something.]

DELLA
Uh, Lydia. I think Mrs. Johnson's ready for you now.

LYDIA
Yeah, okay.

DELLA
Lydia!

LYDIA
I'm comin', all right! It's not my fault! If you weren't closin' down, I wouldn't have to be doin' this at all, would I?

DELLA
Well, what is it?

LYDIA
It's my reference, for this new place I'm applyin' to.

DELLA
Your what?

LYDIA
My job reference. I'll leave it on the counter, for you to sign. An' don't worry, it's only what you'd o' written anyway.

KATHY
[arriving in a rush] Della. Look--I'm sorry, I can't stop, any chance o' fittin' me in this afternoon?

LYDIA
[self-assured] Well, I'm not too sure about that, we--

DELLA
No problem, Kath. Ah--about three. Is that okay?

KATHY
Fine. See you then. [leaves]

DELLA
See ya.

LYDIA
You've just got no idea, have you? No wonder you're goin' out o' business.

DELLA
Excuse me?

LYDIA
You've gotta make 'em think we're really busy.

DELLA
We are really busy, now can you see to Mrs. Johnson, please?!


[The Arches. RICKY and PHIL.]

RICKY
{An' he called} me your tea boy. He's treatin' me like I'm nothing.

PHIL
You shouldn't let him wind you up.

RICKY
Yeah, I know, but I can't help it. That smug git. Tell you, he won't be so happy when he finds out I've moved back in.

PHIL
That's definite, is it?

RICKY
Yeah, this afternoon. He's givin' Bianca her drivin' lesson at half-two.

PHIL
You sure that's all he's givin' her?

RICKY
Uh? Oh don't be silly. So I thought I'd move me gear over then, if, that's all right.

PHIL
Yeah, fine.

RICKY
Yeah? {Straighten him out, now I'm back.} Not from him or anyone. An' there's that Lionel. He's next.

PHIL
How'd you mean?

RICKY
I'm gonna find out who he is, where he lives. An' I'm gonna break his windows.

PHIL
You're what?

RICKY
Well it's gotta be done, i'n't it?

PHIL
Well, I wouldn't do that if I was you.

RICKY
Why not?

PHIL
Well I don't suppose he'd like it very much, that's all.

RICKY
Well how's he gonna know it's me?

PHIL
Well, he might find out, might he? You know how word travels around here. Just forget about it, eh?

RICKY
Yeah, I've gotta do something, Phil. Otherwise he's--he's walking all over me!

PHIL
Look: you're moving up. He's done you a favour. Just think of it like that..

RICKY
Oh, I don't know..

PHIL
No, you don't. No you don't know anything about this geezer. For all you know, he might be very heavy. Just forget about it, okay?
Ricky. I'm serious. Just don't get involved, okay?

RICKY
Yeah, you're right. Scum like that, they ain't worth it, are they?


[The cafe. As a several people are leaving, ROBBIE and CAROL come in. BLOSSOM is behind the counter.]

CAROL
Well?

ROBBIE
Not particularly, no.

CAROL
Robbie. Did she give you your job back.

ROBBIE
Look--just get out of my face, all right? Cup of tea, please, Gran.

BLOSSOM
What's wrong.

ROBBIE
Ohhh, nothing.

CAROL
He's just had a {hard doze around,} an' he doesn't like it!

ROBBIE
[to BLOSSOM] {Look, I ain't that all right!} I jacked in my job an' she made me go an' ask for it back!

BLOSSOM
Ohhh.

ROBBIE
[bitterly] Said she'd kill my dog otherwise.

CAROL
[enjoying, to BLOSSOM] I didn't, I didn't.

ROBBIE
As good as.

CAROL
Look, all I said was you just need some responsibility.

ROBBIE
Look, all you said was--all right, mum--I gotta start behavin' like an adult.

CAROL
Yeah? Well, what's wrong with that then.

ROBBIE
Well then why do I have to keep doin' a kid's job?

CAROL
Listen: you get something else an' you can jack it in anytime you like.

ROBBIE
[more to himself than anyone] I had to beg her, Beg her, to take me back! For a flippin' paper route!

CAROL
{First suggestion?}

ROBBIE
Oh look, forget the tea, {I've had enough of yakkin' at you.} [leaving]

CAROL
Robbie!

ROBBIE
[turning briefly] If you must know, I start tomorrow. Happy now? Dog Killer. [leaves]

[CAROL and BLOSSOM share stifled laughter.]


[The betting shop office. DEBBIE brought coffee to DUGAN and is leaving.]

DUGAN
Thanks Debbie. How're things at home. Okay?

DEBBIE
Yeah. They're fine. Really.

DUGAN
Good! You an' Nigel gettin' on a bit better now then.

DEBBIE
Yeah, we're really good. He's takin' me out to dinner tomorrow.

DUGAN
Yeah? Ooo.. What's he feelin' guilty about then? Huh ha ha!
[gets up, approaching her] Look um. I'm sorry about yesterday.

DEBBIE
[feigning forgotten so as to see what kind of man he is] What'd you mean?

DUGAN
Well, makin' you work through your lunch break like that. Take an extra half hour today. Just to make up for it. I've warned the other girls, so we're covered. Sandra's stayin' in.

DEBBIE
Right. Thanks.

DUGAN
He's uh, not still askin' you about having more kids then.

DEBBIE
No! No, we're fine, really!

DUGAN
Good.. If there's ever anything that I can do, you just let me know, eh? [pats her shoulder]

DEBBIE
[quiet, uncomfortable, leaves] Yeah..


[The Vic. PEGGY and GRANT are working behind the bar. PHIL is sitting at the bar, talking to her. RICKY enters during their conversation.]

PEGGY
[about GRANT, down the bar] Look at 'im. Miserable sod. Do you think he's all right about this license business?

PHIL
He said he was. Why?

PEGGY
What about the rest of it, me buying into the pub?

PHIL
I dunno.

PEGGY
Been ever so moody lately, don't you think.. Wouldn't be anything to do with Sharon, would it?

PHIL
How'd you mean?

PEGGY
Nah. He's probably hung-over, he drank a skin full last night. Watchin' TV 'til all hours. Yes, Ricky, what can I get ya, love?

RICKY
Uh, {no I won't,} uh, I'm, not stoppin'. Can I have a word, Phil?

PHIL
Yeah, sure!

[They step away from the bar.]

RICKY
Look. I just wanted to give you this, it's that, uh letter to Sam. Uh, have you asked her yet?

PHIL
[takes enveloped letter] No, not yet, but uh, well I'll do it now if you like.

RICKY
Yeah. If you think she'll be all right about it.

PHIL
Yeah, stick around an' see for yourself, yeah?

RICKY
No. Better not.

PHIL
She don't bite ya know!

RICKY
[begging off, leaving] Oh, no, it's just I've gotta get back, I, got things to do, all right?

PHIL
Okay son.

PEGGY
What was that all about?

PHIL
Uh listen, can we.. can we have a bit of a chat? Upstairs.

[He's heading off for upstairs. PEGGY's leery.]


[Meanwhile, at the bar are BINNIE and DELLA. DELLA is amused, reading the recommendation letter Lydia gave her to sign before they leave.]

DELLA
"Lydia is an asset to any salon. Popular, kind, and courteous, with a bubbly sense of humour."!

BINNIE
[just as amused] Oh, what!

DELLA
"A favourite with the customers, her Styling matches her personality."

BINNIE
Hah-ha, what personality.

DELLA
Tell me about it, "Full of fun, flair, and creativity, she is destined to go far."

BINNIE
I don't believe the front of her. How can she expect you to sign that?

DELLA
[has pen] Well I think we ought to add a bit more, first, don't you?

BINNIE
Oh yes. "Lydia is the most boring, egocentric--"

DELLA
[amused] Ha-huh! We'll do this one as a joke. I'll write her a proper one later.

BINNIE
[amused] Yeah, but she's bound to see the funny side of it, isn't she? What with all that "bubbly" sense of humour of hers.


[Upstairs at the Vic, PHIL and PEGGY talking. She's on the couch, he's standing.]

PHIL
He just wants you to send it on, an' if he don't hear from her, well at least he gave it a shot, didn't he.

PEGGY
Well, what if he does hear from her, what then?

PHIL
[shrugs] That's up to them.

PEGGY
He's not plannin' to try an' get her back or anything, is he?

PHIL
[breathes in] I don't know.

PEGGY
'Cause Sam's settled now, an' she's doin' really well. I don't want Ricky messing it up for her.

PHIL
Yeah, well like I said, if she don't wanna know, she won't write back, will she?

PEGGY
I never thought he was right for her anyway.

PHIL
Nah, he's a good lad.

PEGGY
Yeah! But she can do so much better, don't ya think? I do, an' so does she! Why do you think she left him in the first place?

PHIL
All right, they were married when they were too young, but, well Sam's older now, i'n't she?

PEGGY
She's still my baby, Phil.

PHIL
Mum, she's a grown woman. She's old enough to make her own decisions. She don't need you doin' it for her.

PEGGY
Don't talk to me like that! She made up her mind four years ago!

PHIL
[amused] Yeah, well that's four years ago!

PEGGY
Ha-huh! An' he hardly treated his last girlfriend very well, did he? All that trouble he caused over that Natalie girl?

PHIL
Yeah, well that's over now, i'n't it.

PEGGY
[standing] Exactly. It's over. So is it worth upsetting Sam just 'cause Ricky's feeling a little bit lonely?

PHIL
[has been sighing] Look, mum, I don't wanna fight about it, all right? I said I'd pass it on an' I have. Now, are you gonna send it on or what?

PEGGY
I'm gonna think about it, that's what. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a bar to run. [leaves]

[PHIL sighs.]


[Downstairs in the Vic, by the stairs. GRANT's on the phone and PEGGY's coming down the stairs.]

GRANT
Yeah, hold on. I'll just go an' get her. Mum! Phone.

PEGGY
Yeah? Who is it then?

GRANT
It's the Estate agent. Someone wants to have a look at your house.
So much for bein' given a chance to think about it. [he leaves and PEGGY looks like, whoops]


[In the Vic, as GRANT goes behind the bar, KATH, MICHELLE, and PAULINE are coming in. MICHELLE goes to to the bar. They're clearly taking KATH out for a birthday drink. (NIGEL and DEBS are drinking orange juices at a table.)]

MICHELLE
{All right. I'll get these.} What'd you want?

KATH
Oh, I'll have a white wine, please. I'll get us a seat.

MICHELLE
Mum, gin an' tonic?

PAULINE
No I'll have orange juice, please--

KATH
Hoy! No, not on my birthday you won't.

PAULINE
All right, you've gone an' twist me arm.

MICHELLE
[business, to GRANT] Um, two, dry white wines an' a gin an' tonic, please.

GRANT
[sighs] No Sharon, then?

MICHELLE
You don't miss a trick, do ya.

GRANT
Just that I wanted to have a word with her. You know, about the license agreement.

MICHELLE
Oh, what, you're havin' trouble with all those big words.

GRANT
So. Where is she then.

MICHELLE
I don't know. She's out.

GRANT
Where's she gone?

MICHELLE
To wherever she was goin'.. Not that it's any of your business.

GRANT
All right, that'll be, uh.. five twenty.

[MICHELLE pays and takes the drinks away. PEGGY's looking at him doubtfully and he looks over at her.]

GRANT
What?

PEGGY
Nothing..

[At the small table where KATH and PAULINE are celebrating quietly, MICHELLE comes over with the drinks tray and sits.]

KATH
{Oh god, you watch it,} you devil! Cheers, Paul.

PAULINE
{??} Anyway, Arthur sends his best. I asked him to come over, but uh, he's at home, sulkin'. We had a bit of a row the other night.

MICHELLE
Oh, what about?

PAULINE
Oh, it's {silly, too, an'} I don't know what is it about men an' football.

PEGGY
[just come by for the tray] Whatever it is, i'been a little gold mine for this pub. I tell you, why no one's ever thought about enterin' this competition before, beats me.

MICHELLE
[quiet, testy] Is that right?

PEGGY
Uh-huh--'s been a real Buzz about this place ever since. Been a while since that happened, eh?

MICHELLE
An' who's fault's that? [PAULINE whispers: "Chelle"] No, hang--hang on, what'd you mean by that, Peggy?

PEGGY
I'm just sayin' I got plans, that's all! Like with V.E. Day. I'm gonna turn this place into something Really Special.

MICHELLE
And Sharon didn't? Is that it? [to others] She was a great landlady, wasn't she.
Well, wasn't she..

PAULINE
Yes, she was!

MICHELLE
She was terrific. She made this place. [over to GRANT] Even you gotta admit that.
Oh, you spineless git, no wonder she dumped ya.

PEGGY
[loud with authority] Uh, that's enough! If you can't be civil, get out.

[MICHELLE testily stares down PEGGY, who moves on. Then MICHELLE quietly says to KATH and PAULINE, "Sssorry.."]

PAULINE
Well, uh, happy birthday, Kathy.


[View, from a window above, of DAVID and BIANCA getting in her car. It's RICKY looking from in his flat. He turns, pleased.]
[Kool for Kuts. LYDIA is with a CUSTOMER.]

CUSTOMER
Oh. That's really great. I wish I'd got you to do it the last time. Thanks.

LYDIA
You'll have to come see me at my new place, then. If I get the job. Over on the {dogston are road.}

CUSTOMER
Oh! I've heard about that one! Run by that french bloke, i'n't it?

LYDIA
Yeah, that's right: Marcus.

CUSTOMER
Yeah.

LYDIA
He's really good. They do proper beauty treatments there. Really professional. [quiet and quickly to her CUSTOMER's ear] Not like this place. Hm-hm! [loud] Still, you gotta work with the good people if you want to improve. That's what Marcus says. You'll never get anywhere working with Dross.

BINNIE
Meaning?

LYDIA
Nothing. Much. [the "Much" was quiet, quickly leaning down to CUSTOMER's ear]

CUSTOMER
You're well out of it. {Now.} [goes to DELLA at counter]

[LYDIA giggles.]

DELLA
That's, uh, eighteen pounds, please.

CUSTOMER
Here's twenty. [to LYDIA] Extra two's for you, okay?

LYDIA
Thanks.

CUSTOMER
[to DELLA] Closing down yet?

DELLA
That's right. In about three hours.

CUSTOMER
Bit silly, really, wasn't it.

DELLA
I'm sorry?

CUSTOMER
Settin' up around here. Still. At least you had a go, eh? What ya gonna do next, try something else?

DELLA
[weary but smart] An' we're pretending you give a toss, right?

[BINNIE enjoys that, bursting out laughing. The CUSTOMER immediately leaves.]

LYDIA
You are so rude..

DELLA
[testy] I can be a lot worse. Wait 'til you see your reference.

LYDIA
What'd you mean.

DELLA
Here. Binnie helped.

BINNIE
Yeah, just for the spelling. Della wasn't sure whether obnoxious had one 'B' or two.

[LYDIA scans the letter and tears it up.]

DELLA
Oh, that's not very "bubbly"!

LYDIA
You've never liked me, either of you.

BINNIE
Oh. We forgot to put "perceptive."

LYDIA
I don't know why I ever wasted my time in this dump. You're a pair of jealous dyke-y bitches. Yeah, that's right, I've heard about you two. I hope you both die horribly.

DELLA
[mock socially] So you don't want to keep in touch, then?

LYDIA
I'm leavin' here right now. [grabs jacket and leaves!]

DELLA
[mock socially] By--eee!

BINNIE
[amused, does likewise] All the be-est!

[KATHY arrives and had just passed LYDIA.]

KATHY
Uh! What's the matter with her?

BINNIE
[wry] How long you got?
[to DELLA] What are you gonna do about her real reference?

DELLA
[relieved, happy] I'll take it 'round later with her wages.

BINNIE
Ha! Felt good, though, didn't it? Ha ha ha! Right. Time to party! [turns on the radio, happy day]

DELLA
Oh, sorry, Kath, sit down. Binnie, a cup of tea for the customer.

BINNIE
Comin' up.

DELLA
[good mood, enticing] Right, then. It's our last day, so as a closin'-down special, you can have whatever you want for a fiver.

BINNIE
She said that to me last night, an' all.

DELLA
Ha ha! Well?

KATHY
Oh I don' know, I'll let you decide.

DELLA
All right!

KATHY
Don't go mad, all right, I don't want nothing weird.

DELLA
Relax, will you? It'll be great. Phil will worship you for weeks after this.

[KATHY looks doubtful.]


[Out in BIANCA's car, she's taking a driving lesson from DAVID.]

DAVID
Okay, get your position, all right? No, look, you're twistin' your head too much. Shift your body over.
Oh, come on--get your--your..

BIANCA
Me bum over.

DAVID
Yeah.

[She perfunctorily smiles and then gives him a deadpan look, shifting into position. She turns around, they're working on backing up around a corner on the deserted street.]

DAVID
All right, now keep look.. look out the back window, keep that mark. Keep that in sight, okay. Slowly.. not too fast.. Good girl.

BIANCA
[concentrating] Shut up.

[We just watch as she backs it up and around a corner.]

DAVID
Good.

BIANCA
There you go. See? All I needed was for you to stop rabbittin' at me.

DAVID
[a little stressed yet relieved] Mmm, it was good. Very good. You keep goin' at this rate, you'll be about {puttin'} for your test.

BIANCA
Oh, stuff the test, wha'bout the present!

DAVID
[amused] Bianca!

BIANCA
Well you said!

DAVID
Yeah, all right, but I haven't got it on me, have I? It's in the house.

BIANCA
Well, come on, then.


[The betting shop. Behind the counter are DEBBIE, SANDRA, and DUGAN. NIGEL's just coming in.]

DEBBIE
Nigel! What a lovely surprise!

NIGEL
Thought it'd be a nice idea, you know.

DEBBIE
I'll just get me coat on.

DUGAN
No, no no no, let me. [takes her coat]

DEBBIE
Uh, right, thanks.

DUGAN
[showy, helping her with her coat] My Pleasure. Nothing's too good for my staff. [holds onto her shoulders] Now. You take Good Care of her, you hear?

NIGEL
[pleased] Yeah, yeah I will.
Right. We off then?

DEBBIE
Yeah.

DUGAN
Bye Nigel. Nice to see ya.

NIGEL
Yeah, yeah, see you again, uh, Mr. ah--

DUGAN
Call me Stan.

NIGEL
Right Stan. Cheers.

[warm, quiet, to DEBS as they leave] He's a nice bloke, i'n't he?

DEBBIE
Heh.


[The Butcher's. RICKY's relaxing in the living room with a beer, loud music on. He's playing this moment for all it's worth: DAVID and BIANCA are just now coming in.]

DAVID
Ricky! What the 'ell do you think you're doing?!

RICKY
Phil give me the afternoon off, so I thought I'd chill out for a bit. You know, have a few beers--want one?

DAVID
Is this some sort of joke, mate?

RICKY
I can't hear you. Sorry?

[DAVID quickly shuts off the stereo.]

BIANCA
Was enjoyin' that!

DAVID
What's goin' on?

RICKY
Uh, that's not such a welcome is it?

DAVID
What you talkin' about.

RICKY
Well, I've moved back in.

DAVID
[testy] You what?

RICKY
Yeah, well I can't afford the bed sit no more so I thought I'd move back in. You don't mind do you?

DAVID
Yes I do mind! An' that's my beer you're guzzlin'!

RICKY
Oh! "Share an' share alike," eh?! Flatmate.

DAVID
Bianca, um, [B: "What."] I think you'd better go, love.

BIANCA
What for?!

DAVID
I've gotta sort this out.

BIANCA
But you said--

DAVID
I'm sorry, love, I'm sorry, we'll do it another time.

[BIANCA leaves, peeved.]

RICKY
Sorry about that.

DAVID
You are not stayin' here!

RICKY
[determined, calm] Yes I am. This is my dad's place. I got as much right to be here as you have. [standing] Look, if you don't like it, there's a nice little bed sit across the square, it's only seventy quid. [turns stereo on again]
Put the kettle on, eh, "tea boy"?


[CINDY at her set of mirrors (they're set up on the kitchen table), getting ready for the dinner out. IAN's in view, via the mirror, harried.]

IAN
Oh it's emotional blackmail, that's what it is.
[imitating] "Be happy for me, Ian."

CINDY
Well why can't ya be?

IAN
I am: just don't want it rammed down me throat all evening.

CINDY
Oh, come on Ian, it's her birthday.

IAN
An' so what? It was yours yesterday. I mean, we didn't crash around their house, forcin' them to watch how blissfully happy we are, did we?

CINDY
Nope, we didn't.

IAN
I mean, who {wants}--she's gone an' married the missing link, she's doin' her bit for animal welfare, but why advertise it? People might think we're related.

CINDY
Well, at least he's {did that.}

IAN
Oh. Don't remind me. {Are you nearly ready.}

CINDY
Nearly. Anyway, we got ages yet. It's only just seven.

IAN
Yeah, well I wanna pop into the Vic first. I mean this evening's gonna be hell on earth as it is, there's no way I'm gettin' there sober.

CINDY
Well we can't go 'til Gita arrives, can we? [stands, the doorbell's ringing] There. What'd you think?

IAN
Yeah. Oh! [leaving] All right, that'll be her. I'll go an' get your jacket. [calling] Yeah, maybe we can pop into the shop on the way out, just to check if everything's all right.

CINDY
[exasperated sigh] Ian, I am not going into that restaurant stinkin' of chip fat, all right?

IAN
[comes back in] No one'll notice!

CINDY
[leaving] Oo. I'm gonna punch you in a minute.

IAN
What?!


[KATHY at her bureau mirror, getting ready for the dinner out. PHIL's in view in the mirror. We see later there are a couple glasses of wine on the bureau.]

KATH
I think you're right about tonight, yeah? I think it's gonna be great.

PHIL
Course it is.

KATH
I think it's just what we need, don't you? All of us spendin' a bit of time together, nice and relaxed?

PHIL
Yeah. Have you seen my cufflinks?

KATH
Yeah, on the side in there, I left 'em out for you.

PHIL
Oh, ta.

KATH
Ian's really gonna try, you know.
He's a bit protective of me really. He always has been.
He's probably jealous of ya..

PHIL
What for..

KATH
Well, you know how competitive he is..
He 'as the same about Pete. Always asking who I loved the most.

PHIL
Yep?

KATH
Yeah..
Do you know, we were inseparable then.. Funny you drift apart, e'en from your own kids.

PHIL
I wouldn't know.

KATH
What about you an' Peggy? You didn't see much of her for years. Don't tell me she didn't miss that, I mean, she wouldn't be here now if she hadn't.

PHIL
No, I suppose not.

KATH
Well, it's the same with me an' Ian. We been driftin' apart for ages.. Nn--years really.. An' when I didn't turn up at 'eir wedding, well, I don't think he's ever really forgiven me for that..

PHIL
[gentle] Yeah, well, that's his problem, i'n't it. Not ours. He'll come 'round. [sits by her]

KATH
I hope so, Phil. I really want him to enjoy tonight. I want it to be a success.

PHIL
It's gonna be Great. We're gonna have a great time. I promise.. [whisper] Cheers.. [takes his glass]

KATH
[whisper] Cheers.. [they clink glasses]


[The Vic. IAN and CINDY are at the bar and PEGGY's behind the bar. IAN's clearly talked himself out of any prospect of it being an enjoyable evening--he's just wryly getting nearly hammered.]

CINDY
Ian, what'd you order another one for?

IAN
Oh, we got time.

CINDY
It's nearly twenty to eight!

PEGGY
You're looking very glam. Where you off too, then.

CINDY
{Off his food} if he doesn't hurry up.

IAN
Look, we'll be fifteen minutes late, so it's fifteen minutes we ain't gotta waste with them, i'n't it.

PEGGY
Mm, sounds very grim. Who's that then?

IAN
Uuum. Uh, no one. Heh.

CINDY
Friends of Ian's--business.

PEGGY
Oh right! Well. Good luck then. [she goes off to serve customers]

CINDY
Thanks.
[quiet to IAN] That was a clever, wasn't it?

IAN
{The problem is, with these flippin'} Mitchells, they get everywhere, don't they.

[DAVID's just come in, stands behind them.]

DAVID
[friendly] Now, th's a sight for sore eyes. Very nice.

CINDY
Oh! Glad someone noticed.

DAVID
I'd get a taxi, mate, wherever it is you're takin' her. 'Cause you're gonna get mobbed in a rush otherwise. [moves on, deadpan winking at her]

IAN
You look lovely. Didn't I say?

CINDY
Can we go now please, Ian?

IAN
We're here now, let me just finish this first, eh?

[IAN drinks. CINDY looks over at DAVID, who holds eye contact.]


[The gardens at dusk. GRANT, taking Frieda out for a walk, keeps looking at CHELLE's house.]


[PHIL and KATHY, side by side in the restaurant at their table, politely waiting/making conversation. When IAN and CINDY arrive, CINDY has a small present.]

KATHY
Not gonna show.

PHIL
Course they will.

KATHY
Well, where are they then?

PHIL
[looking back over his shoulder] Here they are now.

CINDY
Hi-ii. Sorry we're late, Kath.

KATHY
Oh that's all right.

CINDY
We forgot the present so, had to go back an' get it.

KATHY
Oh ya--

CINDY
Happy birthday.

IAN
Happy birthday, mum. [kiss]

PHIL
[as they sit, pleasant] Well, we ordered wine, do you--do you want to join us or do you want something different.

CINDY
Oh no, wine's great, thanks.

PHIL
Ian?

IAN
Uh, what is it.

KATHY
[pleasant] Oh, it's some french stuff. Phil chose it. It's really good.

IAN
[dismissive] Oh, I'll have a beer, then.

CINDY
Ian.

IAN
W--I don't know what I'm gonna eat yet, do I? I mean, how can you order wine, when you don't know what the meal is? [wry to PHIL] No offense.


[GRANT, still walking Frieda, sees MICHELLE leave the house. He goes in the gate and knocks on the door. The house is dark but he peeks in the window. There's no answer. He leaves.]


[Meanwhile, at the restaurant. Things haven't improved. Silent eating at first.]

PHIL
So how's business goin', Ian--all right?

IAN
Yeah. All right, thanks.

CINDY
Yeah, we're openin' up a new shop soon, aren't we Ian.

IAN
Mm.

KATHY
Yeah? That's good, i'n't it.

PHIL
Mm.

CINDY
Yeah, an we got a new assistant startin' next week.

IAN
Where's the waiter, you could die of thirst in this place.

KATHY
Why don' you have some wine?

IAN
Red wine with fish? I don't think so.

KATHY
Well, you could've ordered something different--

IAN
Yeah, I wish I had, this is appalling. I need somethin' to wash the taste away. Waiter! Waiter.

WAITER
Is everything all right, sir?

IAN
Yeah, I ordered a beer about an hour ago. Any chance of it turnin' up before I leave?

WAITER
[pause, polite] I'll get it for you.

IAN
Yeah, well, make it two, will you? [WAITER leaves]

[to KATH] Well, we don' know when we're gonna see him again, do we?

CINDY
Don't you think you've had enough to drink, Ian.

IAN
[sigh] I thought we were meant to be enjoyin' ourselves.

KATH
That was the general idea. Yeah. [PHIL sighs]

[The group returns to silent eating.]


[The Vic. DAVID's at the bar, RICKY comes up to him. PEGGY's behind the bar.]

RICKY
Oh, uh some bird phoned for you, returnin' your call. Fiona somethin'.

DAVID
[interested] Fiona Banks?

RICKY
Yeah, that's the one. Wanted to know if you fancied a drink tonight, you know, now you've got the house to yourself an' that. Yeah, I put her straight. [to PEGGY, then DAVID] Uh, can I have a pint please--sure you don't want one?

DAVID
What'd you mean, you "put her straight"?

RICKY
[affecting nonchalance] Well, I told her that I've moved back in now and uh, you know, you wanted to spend a bit of time with me.

DAVID
[shocked disbelief] You did what?

RICKY
Yeah, she seemed a bit disappointed. But I told her the only reason why you phoned her in the first place is because you fancied a quickie. Ain't that right?

DAVID
[angrily grabbing him] You silly sod!

PEGGY
Uh, uh! Cut it out, David!

DAVID
--Well!--

RICKY
What's the matter wi' you--Lighten up, eh?!
Yeah, you know what they say. "If it's not true, it can't get to you, can it?"

PEGGY
Ricky. Out.

RICKY
What for?

PEGGY
I know a wind-up when I see one! You come back when you've learned how to behave!

[RICKY feels wronged and leaves, DAVID slapping his arm. PEGGY goes to the back room, pauses, takes something out from just under her belt. It's the enveloped letter. Resolved, she rips it in two and puts it aside.]


[The restaurant. By now, KATH's bemused by her son's drunkenness on her birthday. Their plates have been taken away, they're just relaxing.]

CINDY
Did you like the knives?

KATH
Oh, yeah.. Yeah, they're great.. Always need them, don't ya?

IAN
Yeah, well, try not to ruin this set, eh? [ruefully sighs]

CINDY
Oh, lovely necklace, Kathy. Is it new?

KATH
Yeah.
Phil got it for me.

CINDY
It's gorgeous. Where'd you get it from?

IAN
Off the back of a lorry. Heh heh..

[to the silence] You didn't, did ya?

PHIL
No.

WAITER
[comes up and asks] Would you like to order dessert?

IAN
Oh, yeah, go on, I will. I've gotta salvage something from this evening.
[takes the menu, sighs]
Yeah, I'll have the ice cream. I don't think you can ruin that, can ya? [getting up] All right, I'm goin' {for a splash. Try not to} talk about me while I'm gone. [leaves]

PHIL
Anyone else for dessert?
Uh, just three coffees please. An', by the way, the food was very nice. Thanks.

WAITER
Thank you. [leaves]

PHIL
Listen, uh. I need to use the toilet as well. I won't be a second. [leaves]

CINDY
{Look,} Kath, I'm sorry..

KATH
[sad] It's all right.

CINDY
Well ya--he's been workin' really hard recently--he's just tired.

KATH
No Cindy. He's a git.
It just--don't make excuses for him, all right? I mean--he could o' been nice if he wanted. Just wasn't worth the effort, was I?


[The men's rest room. IAN's at the sink when PHIL comes in.]

IAN
[wry] They must brew their beer in here. Tastes like it anyway.

[PHIL angrily, but very controlled, grabs IAN by the tie and then stops!]

PHIL
Now I got two words for you, you slippery little git: Try Harder.

IAN
You what?

PHIL
Now you told Kathy you was gonna make an effort for tonight. I ain't seen much evidence of that so far--

IAN
[tired, despising] Oh, shut up, Mitchell--

PHIL
Now you do one more thing to upset Kathy, an' I'm gonna put you in hospital, all right?

IAN
What, you gonna hit me? Well go on, then, hit me. See how much me mum likes you then.

PHIL
No, it won't be me, Ian. I'll just make sure someone mugs you on your way home from that poxy chip shop.

IAN
She'll know it's you.

PHIL
No she won't.. 'Cause I know a lot o' nasty bastards, Ian. People who do that sort of thing for fun.. Now, you're gonna go back in there, an' you're gonna stop behavin' like a spoiled little brat, an' you're gonna treat Kathy with the respect she deserves, all right?

[IAN isn't taking this seriously. PHIL mashes his hand around IAN's chin, shoving him against the wall!]

PHIL
[loudly] All right!?

IAN
All right. All right.

PHIL
[loosens grip] All right. Now how about a mouthwash, eh? Wash all that filth out o' your--

[PHIL is now shoving IAN, who's resisting, crashing against the metal stall walls, into a stall! PHIL shoves IAN's head into the toilet, flushes it, pulls him out! IAN's gasping for air and water is running down his face and neck, and PHIL shoves him onto a wall! IAN's astounded at how low this guy goes.]

PHIL
[quiet, steps back] Now. You can be nice, or you can be in hospital, all right? Now it's your choice.

[IAN, dripping and gasping, got the message.]

PHIL
[looking in a mirror, straightening his own tie] Clean yourself up. You look a mess. [leaves]


[Out in the restaurant, KATH and CINDY are talking.]

KATH
How you gettin' home then? Cab?

CINDY
Yeah. I would {offer} to share, but--

KATH
No. It's, not a good idea.

[PHIL sits down, slightly winded and pleased, but it can pass as being tired and satisfied from the meal.]

KATH
Where's Ian?

PHIL
Oh well, uh, he'll only be a minute. He's just cleanin' himself up, he's, been a bit sick.

CINDY
Oh, what?

PHIL
Yeah, well I think he had a few too many.

KATH
[wry understatement] Yeah. He was knockin' 'em back a bit.

PHIL
[about a coffee] Is that my coffee? Cheers.
[drinks] Mmm. That's nice.


[The Vic upstairs, living room. GRANT is lying watching TV. (The show has experts chatting about politics.) GRANT is bored. In his hand he has a photo of Sharon and him, previously folded in four, now open. He has apparently been looking at it off and on. He then crumbles it up, puts it aside, and sighs, still uncomprehending of it all.]


[The restaurant rest room. Ian's hair is obviously still all wet, and the front of his shirt, and his tie. He is angry and resigned, staring in the mirror as he wipes himself off as best he can, slicks his hair back once more, and leaves.]


[Out in the restaurant. Things are mellower, happier. IAN soon arrives.]

PHIL
Go on, have some cake.

KATH
No I'm not havin' any. I can't get in me jeans {if I put on some weight.}

PHIL
Here he is now.
You all right?

IAN
Yeah.

[IAN arrives back at the table. The women don't quite know what to make of his appearance. PHIL is playing a nice guy and IAN's acting as well as he can. His act: as if embarrassed, making up for his past behaviour, and off balance from being sick. He is sincere about Kath and Cindy.]

CINDY
Phil said you'd been sick..

IAN
Yeah I was just--I'm, feelin' a lot better now, thanks, huh. Look mum, uh, everyone, I'm. I'm sorry I've, I've been feelin' a bit ill all evening.

KATH
Oh you should have said..

IAN
Yeah, I, I know but..

KATH
Oh, you still look a bit shaky. [to CINDY] Don't you think?

CINDY
Yeah.. he does a bit.

IAN
Honest, honestly, I'm fine now. Look um. Why don't we start again, eh? I'd like to propose a toast.

PHIL
Yeah, uh, let me top it up. Yeah? [has bottle]

KATH
Phil no, I don't think you should do--

IAN
It's all, it's all right mum. Yeah, go on. [PHIL pours]
Yeah, cheers, Phil.

To the best mum in the world: happy birthday.

[Everyone clinks glasses and drinks.]

KATH
Right. It's my turn.
To us,
and Phil: [they kiss]
The new member of the family. {Fresh start as we} need to go on, eh?

CINDY
To Phil.
Ian.

[Everyone but IAN has their glass up, clinking.]

IAN
Mm? Oh, uh. Yeah, Phil. [clink]

[During the drink, PHIL is acting sweet, smiling, but IAN's glance at him briefly shows silent despising.]

-boom- -boom- -boom-boom-


[show's time: 27:00]
[Credit Roll with theme music. Long version of exit theme: Save music (1mb mp3).]
[time: 00:30; total with intro and credits: 27:57]
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Last Updated: 5 Feb 2000

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