The Television Transcript Project
The Larry Sanders Show
Written by: Peter Tolan
I Was a Teenage Lesbian



This was episode 12 in the fourth season (#59 overall). Originally broadcast on 11 October 1995.

Directed by: Michael Lehrman

Synopsis: Paula has a major medical worry, Hank's agent is dying, and Larry can't find a good masseuse. Brett's guesting and is taking Paula's behavior personally because they once had.. a thing. Also learn some about Artie's Bob Hope days.

The Cast
Character Actor
Larry Sanders Garry Shandling
Artie (Producer) Rip Torn
Hank Kingsley (Sidekick) Jeffrey Tambor
Beverly (Larry's Assistant)Penny Johnson
Paula (Booker)Janeane Garofalo
Phil Wallace Langham
Brian (Hank's Assistant)Scott Thompson
Brett Butler Brett Butler
Kia (Masseuse) Susan Gibney
Nathan (Agent) Mark Benninghofer
Greg (Agent) Michael Boatman
Jim (Agent)Matt Hannigan
Shani (Masseuse) Pamela Tyson

Notes:
I guessed who was who for the bit characters more or less based on the order of the cast list.

This program, The Larry Sanders Show, runs without commercial interruption.

When I printed this, it took 18 pages.

Braces {} enclose unclear speech.

Transcribed via microcassette tape and memory.


[Interior, day, medium shot as ARTIE happily walks down hall. Medium-long shot in LARRY's room where LARRY's getting a professional massage (from KIA) and BRETT is visiting. She's a guest on tonight's show. Larry's on a massage table, his head end is toward the camera.]

ARTIE
[coming in] Heh, heh. Mind if I cut in?

BRETT
Hey! Arthur! Mmm. [kiss] Good to seeee you!

ARTIE
Likewise, kiddo! You know, when people ask me, "Who put the best sit-com on the tube last year," you know what I tell them?

BRETT
What..?

ARTIE
The Butler Did It..

BRETT
How do you come up with that stuff?

ARTIE
Oh, my gifts are many, an' best not discussed--

LARRY
God, I hate this rug, Artie..

ARTIE
Well, Larry's in the middle of an important Rub-Down! I think we'd better get on or skedoos and skee-dadle! [leaving]

BRETT
[kidding LARRY] Okay, okay, just peek under the towel one more time--real quick.

ARTIE
Aw, Brettie, you'll dream tonight!

BRETT
[as she leaves] See you Larry!

LARRY
[calls] Okay. Bye-bye.


[Medium two-shot as ARTIE and BRETT are walking down the hall.]

ARTIE
[wry] So how're you handling all the Horse Shit that fame has brought you?

BRETT
Pretty good. Just, buy bigger shovels an', cry sometimes.

ARTIE
Hah! Aw, Fuck 'em.
Here's what Brando told me about the tabloids: just tell yourself that everything they write about you is true, that way it won't bother you.

BRETT
[pause] That's good advice. Thanks, Artie.

ARTIE
And after you settle down, I'll have Paula there, she'll come down and give you a Lovely Pre Interview. [PAULA, a way off, doesn't notice them]

BRETT
Okay. Um.
Can we go someplace and talk, for a minute, first?

ARTIE
Oh, leave us repair to me office! [gestures her in]


[Long shot of HANK arriving in the office, BRIAN sees him. Medium two-shot after they start talking.]

HANK
Hey.

BRIAN
Hey.
How's, how's a, Sid?

HANK
Well, I don't know--they're not letting [sigh] anybody in except family.. I mean, it's not fair, you know, I should be with him now. I. I mean so much to him..

BRIAN
Well, it's, uh, probably not the right time but uh--there's two agents from I.C.M. waiting to see you on the talk show set.

HANK
[quiet, acting appalled] Oh!!
God!!
This sick, fucking, business!! Uh!
A man i-is lying on his death-bed not five miles from here an' these, these--bloodsuckers, these, llleeches, the--a little respect for the soon to be dead? Please?


[Medium two-shot of BRETT and ARTIE sitting talking in his office, the door closed.]

BRETT
Well, this is crazy, if I do--if I tell you you're just gonna laugh--

ARTIE
Ha! I like to laugh!

BRETT
You're gonna laugh.

ARTIE
Hey! Go ahead. Shoot.

BRETT
Okay. It's--about Paula.

ARTIE
Our Paula.

BRETT
Yeah. Paula an' me--um, about ten years ago when I was touring colleges? I met Paula at the, college where she was goin' an' we, hit it off an', started hangin' out together, and I wondered if she's said anything about me, 'cause we, kinda had a, thing.

ARTIE
[clueless] Oh, yeah. Fighting.

BRETT
No.

ARTIE
Oh, I'm sorry--when I have a Thing it's always a Fight..

BRETT
No it was sort of--well, this is where you're gonna laugh--I guess you'd call it a, Lesbian thing.

ARTIE
[rote] Ha, ha!

BRETT
I thought you'd laugh more.

ARTIE
[pause] I did too.

BRETT
[pause] Y-you're uncomfortable..

ARTIE
Hey.. I've always loved women with a touch of Sappho.. We have K.D. Lang on the show all the time--although, the last time, Hank kept, calling her "Sir"--that asshole.

[friendly] Just because you've done it once doesn't make ya a dyke..

BRETT
[pause, calmed] Y--you're right? It, was a long time ago, 'n' we were just, experimentin', right? She's probably okay with it. So am I. [standing, kiss] Mmmuh. Thank you, Arthur. Do me a favor, just forget I ever brought it up? [is leaving]

ARTIE
Oh, you can bet. I'll jump right on that.


[Long shot of the set. Medium shots of HANK and of the AGENTS. HANK paces while talking with them (NATHAN and GREG).]

NATHAN
I mean no disrespect to Sid. But frankly, he hasn't done Jack Shit for your career.

GREG
What Nathan, is tryin' to say is that, Sid was merely scratching the surface when it comes to what Hank Kingsley could be doing, in this business.

HANK
[clears throat] I tell you, years ago, I, I made a vow that I would never leave Sid. [AGENTS: "Mmm."] But, uh.. Now he's leaving me so I guess I have no choice--

NATHAN
Yeah. I love Sid. Sid, was a mensch--no question about it.

GREG
Y--No question. If I had to say anything at all bad about Sid, it would just be that, he was from.. y-you know.. The Old School..

HANK
I hate to tell you, Sid was not from the old school.
He was from the school, they tore down to build: the Old School.

[AGENTS yuck it up.]

GREG
I mean--we--we'd love to take you out. For a meal? Uhhh.. You free for dinner tonight?

HANK
Tonight? No. Gosh, I, I, I'm going to Spago's tonight with that, um, huh, partner from, ah, C.A.A.

AGENTS
Uh, huh, uh, huh.

[Long shot: BRIAN coming in.]

BRIAN
Hank?!

HANK
Yeah.

BRIAN
Sorry to interrupt, ah, Jim Bookus from U.T.A. is on the phone..

HANK
Oh--God. Uh, how do people find out so quickly..

GREG
[getting up, clear throat] Yeah--I tell you what, uh, I'll have my girl call, uh, Brian? An' we'll, uh, set up a meal, okay?

NATHAN
Will do.

HANK
Yeah. Sure--I'm sorry, guys.

[EVERYONE bids farewell as they leave, "Yeah", "Will do," "All right?" "All right," "You too," "Nice talking to you," "Stay in touch." Medium shot of HANK alone, sitting at the desk, taking the call.]

HANK
[to phone] 'Ello Jim? Hi, Hank Kingsley.
Thank you for returning my call so promptly.
Yeah. Listen. Ah.. I don't know if ah, yo-you've heard, uh, Jim, but my, uh, agent--
[chuckling] Yes, that's right. Sid.
[pause, serious] He's dead.
Or--or near dead.


[Medium two-shot of PAULA coming to BRETT's dressing room, knocking and coming in. Medium shots as they talk.]

PAULA
Hi..

BRETT
How are you? How you doin'? It's good to--

PAULA
Good to see you.

BRETT
--see you! Hey. Hey.

PAULA
[looking at notes, has got strangely subdued] So.. you know the drill.. You've been through this before, pre interview thing.

BRETT
Sure do. You wanna.. sit down?

PAULA
No, thank you. I'd rath--I'd rather stand. Uhm. I think it's best to kick it off by talking about what's gonna happen in a--upcoming season of your show?

BRETT
Sure. Yeah.

PAULA
[noting] That looks good--an' you had a book.

BRETT
Mm-uh. I jus--I just finished my book; I'm really proud of it. It's a, you know, it's about my life, an'.. past experiences, things I can--

PAULA
Yeah.

BRETT
--look back on now an' laugh..
It's very honest. I hope it's funny--well--picture on the cover is. You know, 'm wearin' a tool belt, to try to get some of that, Tim Allen/Home Improvement crowd.. Spin-off..

PAULA
That's funny. Uuumm. Then I think next it would be best if what you did over your hiatus, I know you mentioned you had some funny, things that had happened.

BRETT
Uh huh.

PAULA
Uh. So the upcoming season, book, hiatus, an' yeah--you're good on your feet, right? You {got that covered..}

BRETT
Yeah. Yeah.

PAULA
I got to go here. Mm--Okay. [leaving]

BRETT
[anxious to be cool] Thanks!

PAULA
[is out door] {You too.}

BRETT
[muttering alone] {Cruddy little}.. bitch.


[Close-up of wry disgruntled LARRY in his office on the massage table, as the MASSEUSE (KIA), finishes up. Can see her and his door in the background.]

KIA
Are you relaxed?

LARRY
Everything but my back..
[acts like it was a joke--she's fooled, they laugh]

KIA
You are so hilarious!
[enjoying the humor] Ah! Ohhh! [is leaving]

LYNN
[calls to LARRY from hall] You have a nice day, Larry.

LARRY
Yes! You too, Lynn! Good luck with your writing career!

BEVERLY
[enters, rushing, busy] How was your massa--

LARRY
[sitting up] Where were you?

BEVERLY
How was your massage?

LARRY
How was my massage? Look how relaxed I am.

BEVERLY
I-I was, uh, with Paula. She had a problem--

LARRY
Oh, really? Well, you know, I have a knot in my back the size of my fist and you don't see me complainin' about it!

BEVERLY
Uh, did, do you want me to catch Kia so she can do you again?

LARRY
Oh! You mean Chatty Kathy? I don't think so. You know, she couldn't give me a good massage because half the time, her tongue got caught up in her hands.

BEVERLY
Okay, never mind, I'll just get someone else.

LARRY
Good. And keep everyone out?

BEVERLY
Okay.

LARRY
Uh huh.

BEVERLY
[leaving] I'm sor-ry..

LARRY
Thank you.


[Medium two-shot as BRETT lets ARTIE into her dressing room.]

BRETT
..talk--to her--she was so unprofessional, she talked to me for like, two seconds an' then ran off. I'm gonna be out there in that fucking hot seat with Larry, an' neither of us is gonna know where the other one is going..

ARTIE
[breezy] It'll be like Regis an' Kathie Lee! Ju-just--talk about Codie!

BRETT
If she's got problems with what went on with us, she should, she should talk to me about it, like an adult, because ignoring me just pisses me off!

ARTIE
Absolutely! I will handle it, you will get the Pre Interview you so richly deserve. (Just simmer down baby.) Oh, look here! I see some papaya! On a special person's fruitcake!

BRETT
Papaya. Oh, I feel shitloads better.

[ARTIE chuckles.]


[Medium shot: HANK walking through the halls with different AGENTS than before.]

HANK
Sid wasn't from the old school. Sid was from the school they tore down to build: the old school.

[Much jocularity.]

HANK
[seeing ARTIE coming, stops] Go ahead everybody! We'll meet up at the couch--last one there is the Rotten Agent!

ARTIE
[angry but keeps his voice down] C.A.A. You get those bastards out of my studio, Hank. If they find a hole anywhere, they'll {have a fuck or build a nest in it.}

HANK
[fakes meek] Okay. [leaves]

ARTIE
[to BEVERLY, who's rushing by] Where the hell's Paula.

BEVERLY
Oh, Artie, take it easy on her. She's, uh, had a rough day.

ARTIE
Ohhhhh! I didn't knowww! We'll have to get her some warm milk or a blankie.

BEVERLY
No. Listen. Artie. I-- [someone's walking down the hall, she lowers her voice] I'm not supposed to tell anybody about this, but, she's having a major crisis.


[ARTIE's office, he's called PAULA in and is as pleasantly solicitous to her as he was to BRETT earlier except he sits behind his desk. Medium one-shots as they talk.]

ARTIE
Don't you want anything to drink, a Coke, a diet soda, fizzy water?

PAULA
[nice, businesslike] No thanks.

ARTIE
How about a shot {of Maker's Mark?} [shuts door and walks to desk, breathing in to broach a serious topic]

Paula, I think you should know, I was about to give you a Swift Kick in the annyfay. But that's not gonna happen. 'Cause I know about the lump in your bosom.

PAULA
Oh! Are you serious? I can't believe she told you!

ARTIE
Beverly was trying to protect you..

PAULA
[gets up to leave, this clearly isn't his business] Oh-kay, well I--no, I'm not really comfortable discussing my bosom with you.

ARTIE
Oh sit down. I'm not done.

PAULA
[sits]

ARTIE
I know what you been going through, because about twenty years ago, I found.. a lump.. on one of my testicles.. Oh, I freaked out, real bad an'.. I was doin' a Bob Hope Special at the time an' uh.. got so screwed up I let it affect my work I. I made Elke Sommer cry in the middle of a dance rehearsal. I'm not proud of that.. An' Bob, I told him about the lump the day before we taped. The monologue died. Bob's timing went all to shit! An' you know why?! Because he was thinking about my left nut!!

Paula, learn from my mistake, because.. twenty years from now, you--you don't want to be watching a Larry Sanders rerun an', an' have ta say, "Oh, yeah, that's the show I fucked up because of my titty!"


[BRETT's dressing room. Medium shot as PAULA comes to the door and knocks. BRETT opens the door.]

BRETT
Hey. Paula. I..

PAULA
I think I was a little ah.. rude earlier, so would you like to give the, pre interview another shot?

BRETT
Yeah, I really appreciate it, [PAULA: Thanks.] come on in.

BEVERLY
[gets to door as it's closing] Excuse me? Paula? It's the call.

PAULA
Shit. [rushes off]

BRETT
[perplexed, at the door] Uh, Paula, {I need..}

[An AGENT (JIM) is lost in the hall.]

JIM
[to BRETT] Do you know where I can find Hank Kingley's office?

BRETT
Uh.. Yeah? You just go straight up your ass, an' turn left.


[Long shot of HANK and three AGENTS walking, relaxed, down the hall.]

HANK
[joking] Now, you guys, hey, you know the way back to C.A.A. from here..

OLD MAN?
You're not all getting on the elevator at once are you?

[AGENTS laugh and board the elevator.]

HANK
[joking, seeing them off] {Oh, you kids}--you're so crazy! Enjoyed it.

LARRY
[comes out in hall as elevator doors shut] Hank! There you are.

[Camera shifts to medium two-shot for these conversations.]

HANK
'S unbelievable. [LARRY: "What!"] These guys say they can get me the Labor Day telethon. Ed is stepping down. Jerry, is sixty-nine. I mean, someday it could be Hank's, Kids. They're gonna change my life! I've got a fucking future!

LARRY
All right..

BRIAN
[coming down hall] Hank. I just got a call from the hospital.
[arrived by them] Sid's gonna be fine. He's okay.

HANK
What do ya mean..

BRIAN
Well, it turns out, it wasn't his heart.. It was a, "high aytal" hernia.

HANK
[pause] What?

BRIAN
It's a hiatal hernia. It's aaah.. a rip in the esophagus. [relieved, happy] They said he'll be back at work in a couple of days! Ha, huh! Isn't that incredible!

HANK
That is so great..

[LARRY's leaving.]

BRIAN
Yeah!

HANK
[to LARRY] {Just a second, um.} [to BRIAN] This morning--{I answer somebody--mistake from your throat.} This morning, they said that, it wasn't, uh, huh-eh--that he was gonna die--he was Not Going to Make It. The other day.

BRIAN
I know! It's a miracle!

HANK
Fucking doctors!
I mean, come on! Uh--if you say a person is not going to make it through the day, then he shouldn't make it!

Eh-i-it--it ju-jus--so inconsiderate they just put us through this worry. [almost crying]

BRIAN
[considerate] You okay?

HANK
Just--just laughing.

[business] Call the guys, ah.. at C.A.A. an' tell 'em.
[almost crying] "Maybe in a couple o' years."

[BRIAN leaves, LARRY slowly comes back down the hall to HANK.]

HANK
So Happy..

LARRY
[like he believes it] I know. We're all happy.


[Medium shot in the other hall. PAULA and BEVERLY coming out of the rest room(?). PAULA's smoking a cigarette, happy and relaxed. Camera follows them down the hall and around the corner to the break area.]

PAULA
So my doctor was like.. it's just a little java tumor..

BEVERLY
Okay. S--can I touch it?

PAULA
No.

BEVERLY
[fun] I wanna touch it!--

PAULA
[fun] Nooo! No! [getting a cup]

BEVERLY
You're all right?

PAULA
[while pouring herself coffee] Yes I am, but she said if I keep drinking coffee I'll get more lumps. So I say, "What's another cup of joe, to 'Lumpy'."

BEVERLY
[stifles a laugh, enjoying]

PHIL
[has come over] Hello-o? It's like no smoking in the office, dip shit.

PAULA
[joyfully imitating] Fuck you-u! I'm like, alive, dip shit!

[PHIL leaves and BEVERLY cracks up a split second later. BRETT's come over.]

BRETT
Hey, sorry to interrupt. Can, we talk.

PAULA
[eager, good mood] Sure!


[LARRY's office, he's getting another massage, from a different masseuse (SHANI). LARRY isn't thrilled with this one, either. She's got it dark in there with incense and atmosphere.]

SHANI
[quiet] {?? let in the good, and throw out the} bad, let it go. Real good, we almost got it. Ooo, we're gonna work it through, allll the way.. Eeeasy does it.

ARTIE
[barging in yelling] {Well, I've} got a hell of a fire!

SHANI
[reacts, then dismayed, says] You scared the shit outta me! I--it's just the incense!

ARTIE
[sincere] Oh. God, I'm sorry.

[LARRY fell on the floor during the excitement.]

ARTIE
[quiet, to LARRY] {Are you hurt?}
[quiet, to SHANI] Do you want me to help you get him back on the table? [SHANI over him: "No, no, no, no, no, no."]

LARRY
[wearily getting up, them helping a little] {Why don't jus--oh--be leaving}--I'm gonna have to stop this.


[Medium shots as BRETT and PAULA talk in BRETT's dressing room.]

BRETT
It's just that--you know--w-what happened with us happened ten years ago an' I don't wanna spend, the rest of my career tryin' ta dodge you.. You know. Maybe you can just accept it..

PAULA
[good mood, reassuring] 'Course I do! Absolutely I do! Why do you think that I don't?

BRETT
Well, because you been, treating me all day like, you know, you don't know me, an' we never even saw each other before.

PAULA
[breathes in] I apologize. Listen. [breathes out, just says it] I thought that I was dying. I know that's very, over-dramatic but um, I have a tumor in my breast, an' I was waiting for a biopsy report but it came back, it's benign, an' everything's cool, so I apologize for that.

BRETT
Oh, Paula--what a relief!

PAULA
Yeah.

BRETT
I thought you were mad at me..

PAULA
[pause] Are you serious.

BRETT
What'd you mean..

PAULA
That's, that's, your relief, stems from. That I'm not mad at you. [BRETT: "Uh-hmm."] I see.

BRETT
[dumbly doesn't see] Uh-hmm.

PAULA
[incredulous, remembering] You are so--in. Unbelievable.
[cards on table] Unbelievable--you know what I remember ten years ago? This is what I've carried with me for ten years. You are very very selfish.

BRETT
Now, {then--}

PAULA
Very selfish. [BRETT: "No."] Apparently: nothing's changed. [leaving]

BRETT
[alone as door shuts] I can't--I got--oh, fuck you. Oh fuck you.


[Long shot of the show. AUDIENCE is laughing. BRETT is already out. Then medium long shot, centered on HANK.]

HANK
[stuffy nose] I just wanna to say hello to my friend, an' agent, Sid. I almost lost h--I almost lost him today. Ahm. And, I almost lost th'sight of the fact that, uh, I, I almost lost him--so anyway. Ahm. Sid, take care of your esophagus. [cheering up] Don't ever scare me like that again. I love you. I miss you. I need you. Get well. Thank you.

[(Shifts to medium shots of LARRY and BRETT.)]

LARRY
I didn't know Sid was ill. Sid is ah.. Hank's agent. Well, Sid. Get well, soon. Boy you've had a Bad day, I had a horrible day. I got a massage, the woman did not stop talking. Have you ever had that? And plus, she, she wanted a, a, a very steep security and cleaning deposit. Which I did not get back afterwards! [HANK, LARRY, and AUDIENCE laugh]

[to BRETT] Okay! Now, what did you get paid for the book.

BRETT
Uhm. I--I haven't, gotten paid all the way yet.

LARRY
Because you know--

BRETT
Ooh! Well--wait--nobody'll watch my show if I told 'em how much--I hate when people ask that. I do just live in a three bedroom house, though, so that's not pretentious, is it.

LARRY
Well, what do you do with your money?

BRETT
What do I do with it?

LARRY
Yeah.

BRETT
Um.. M-well I save some an', you know, you get your mom a house an' you figure.. whatever else you do with your money is okay if you get your mom a house..

LARRY
Yes?

BRETT
Yeah.

LARRY
Yeah, so you have goo--you don't have any guilt.

BRETT
Yno, hmm-mm, hmm-mm.

LARRY
None.

BRETT
I'm a WASP. Why? [chuckles, AUDIENCE laughs]

LARRY
WASPs don't have guilt, do they?

BRETT
[relaxed, amused] Oh, no!

LARRY
No. But they have moms..

BRETT
Yeah--y'all killed 'im, we didn't.

[AUDIENCE laughs loud.]


[Medium two-shot moving with ARTIE--pleased--walking fast down hall with preoccupied LARRY.]

ARTIE
Ooo! Great Shooow! I tol' you the equation! Brett Butler: it was Biiig Fun!

LARRY
[tense] I tell you, the best part of that interview: at no point did she put her elbow in my back.

ARTIE
[stopping with LARRY at office door] Eh, speaking of Ms. Butler, I have a Tale to tell you about her, and our own sweet Paula.

LARRY
Oh yeah? Is it good?

ARTIE
[quieter] Prepare to be agog, Junior. Shhhh!


[Elsewhere, long shot as PAULA sees BRETT down the hall toward the elevator, calls her.]

PAULA
Brett.

BRETT
Hey. [PAULA got there, shot is medium]

PAULA
Ah--I'm really sorry about earlier. But ah, despite my rudeness you had a really wonderful, segment. It was very good..

BRETT
Thank yooou! I'm sorry too..
You're right, I do have by head up my ass.

PAULA
[laughs in appreciation]

BRETT
Hey! See what happens when you mess around with another chick? [PAULA is clearing her throat] Bad news, huh?

PAULA
Yeah. [gives BRETT a cigarette or something]

BRETT
Thanks.

PAULA
[dry throat] Now, my throat's killing me, excuse me. [clear throat]

BRETT
Really? Y'might have that strep goin' around. One of my producers have it.

PAULA
Oh, don't tell me about it..

BRETT
Hmm-mm. You got the white stuff on the back? 'Cause if it is, that's strep. [says more, but PAULA's talking over her]

PAULA
[slightly anxious] I don't know. It think my tonsils are swollen, though.

BRETT
Oh, now, come here. Let me see. Listen, can you {stand?}

[PAULA leans back with her mouth wide open, BRETT tries to see in the light, keeping her head out of the path of the hall lights so she can see.]


[Medium shot of LARRY and ARTIE coming out of ARTIE's office, walking and talking. It's in a hall adjacent to the other hall.]

LARRY
I don't buy it!

ARTIE
Oh, listen! Do you think I concocted this erotic story of lesbianism just to titillate you?!

LARRY
No, I mean, I know Paula an' I know Brett an' I just ah, can't believe that some'in' like that would be--

ARTIE
Okay, I'll shut up.

[They turn the corner, and see long shot of BRETT and PAULA in those awkward positions.]

LARRY
[confidentially to ARTIE] What is that?

ARTIE
[affecting non-chalance] Oh, some Dyke thing.

[They quickly turn heading back to where they came from.]

LARRY
Oh, it appears I owe you a hundred dollars..


[The End - time: 15:28 - Credit Roll]
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