Disclaimer: Well I've been griping about the state of Voyager for some time now. So I decided to write a Voyager story, my way. Okay I don't own any character in this story, I know that and you know that! Paramount and the good folks at Star Trek own them. Anyway I'm just fixing the relationships they way they ought to be:-)
This story is loosely based on the JuPiter Station’s Narrative Challenge # 62. It gave me the idea.
Summary: After the episode "Night", Kathryn isn't recovering from her depression as well as the crew thinks. So to deal with her feelings she takes up a disturbing habit, and before long Tom discovers what she's doing and why.
Rating: R
Depression
By Emma Love
Captain's Personal Log: Stardate after episode Night.
After getting through the void, the crew is recovering nicely, I wish I could say the same about myself. I'm trying to forget the negative thoughts I had, but I cannot because they are the truth.
I know it's *my* fault that Voyager is stuck in the Delta Quadrant. I alone made the decision to destroy the Caretaker's Array, even Tuvok disagreed with my decision, and he was right!
I should have tried harder to repair the Array and fix the self-destruct, then we could have gotten home and the Ocampa would have been protected. But at the time I couldn't see any other options. I know the Kazon would have been a problem, but I could have found a way to deal with them somehow.
At least it's comforting to know the crew no longer blames me for the mistake I made, but maybe they should.
I have to get this crew home! They are the best crew any Captain could ask for. So I have to crawl out from under this black cloud and get them home. End Log.
Captain's Personal Log: Stardate after episode Thirty Days.
I've done something terrible! I have finally let my personal feelings cloud my judgment with Tom Paris. When Tom disobeyed my orders, not only did I demote him, I locked him in the brig for thirty days. One or the other would have been more than enough, but both were wrong!
I was... have been jealous of him and B'Elanna from the start, but was sure I could handle it, but when I locked him up I made it so he couldn't see B'Elanna at all. Why? Because I want Tom for myself and while I know that cannot happen, I'm still trying to tear them apart, this has to stop!
I wish I could tell Tom how sorry I am, and why I done it, but I can't.
I've actually been flirting with the idea of becoming involved with Chakotay, thinking it would help me get over Tom. But no, I couldn't do that to Chakotay. He needs a woman that would give him all her love, not part of it. I cannot, because pieces of my heart will always belong to Tom, and I think Chakotay has gotten over what he felt for me. I do hope so, because at least one of us should be happy. End Log.
Captain's Personal Log: Stardate after episode Counterpoint.
Well I have just had the most interesting time of my life, with a handsome Devore Inspector. We played a marvelous game, and despite everything he tried, I *won*! I came out on top in every way. And for that brief moment my sadness left me and I was myself again. But the downside to the whole encounter is that it awakened a part of myself that I thought was dead.
I have finally spoken with Tom, bless his wonderfully forgiving heart he says he understands why I punished him. I wish he really understood, but naturally he cannot.
Since I've reawakened these parts of myself I've developed a bad habit. I've begun sneaking into the Holodeck and letting a Holographic Tom Paris beat me senseless. It's very cleansing, but not very healthy, because I deactivate the safeties and have seriously injured myself more than once. But I can't stop it just feels right to let Tom punish me for my crimes.
At least nobody suspects anything and I've got to keep it that way. End Log.
Captain's Personal Log: Supplemental.
Tom Paris caught me tonight. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later, I just thought Chakotay or Tuvok would be more likely to catch me.
Of course I'd forgotten to engage the privacy lock and Tom came in a little early to work on his Captain Proton program. I'm just very grateful he was alone, I would have died from embarrassment if Harry Kim had been with him.
I was breathing hard and feeling a great deal of pain from one of my more intense beatings. I was still chained to the wall, catching my breath before beginning another beating, when I felt myself being unchained.
"No. Not yet," I gasped between breaths, "it's not enough."
"Yes it is," Tom, the real one but I didn't know that yet, said. I did briefly notice that he was being gentler than I thought I'd programmed him to be, but I was more interested in getting back to my beating.
"Mister Paris, I demand you put me back in chains and finish your job!"
"*Captain*," he gasped and in that moment I knew he was the real Tom. "Why are you doing this to yourself?"
I sighed, but I was not going to explain anything to him, I was simply going to get dressed and leave. I had promised myself that I would never tell anyone about my feelings for Tom, especially not Tom himself, and the look of pity on his handsome face made me angry. I did not need or want pity from anyone!
"I'm fine, mister Paris," I got to my feet and didn't stumble. "I just happen to enjoy doing this and you were the logical choice to use as my punisher. I'm sorry that I used your image without your knowledge," I turned away to dress.
"You're hurt, let me take you to sick bay," ever the gentleman he said, touching my back, while trying desperately not to look below my neck.
"No Tom, I can't go to sick bay," I informed him in my best Captain voice, "the Doctor would not understand, and he would probably relieve me of my command."
I watched as the truth of my statement registered on his face, and for some reason that triggered something inside me and I broke down crying. Poor Tom didn't know what to think, but he held me and whispered meaningless words meant only to comfort.
About thirty minutes later I came to my senses and realized where I was and who I was with. "Tom, I'm sorry," I said as I rose from the leather sofa, that at some point we had sat down on. "You didn't come to the Holodeck to watch your Captain have a breakdown, I'll just get dressed and go."
"Captain… Kathryn, please tell me why you're doing this to yourself?"
Looking him in the eyes I realized he deserved the truth, "Tom, I have been more unfair to you than to any other member of this crew. I'm… well I wanted you and I was jealous of you and B'Elanna, and I let that cloud my judgment when I punished you. So that's why I thought you should be the one to punish me."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Tom was still looking shocked, but I could see a hint of arousal starting to show. I could not have that! I had done enough damage to Tom and B'Elanna's relationship I would not do anything else to hurt them.
"Tom, I'm the Captain, and you know that means that I cannot get romantically involved with any member of this crew, even if I wanted too," I sighed, "and I've worked through my feelings for you," okay one lie was perfectly fine if it kept B’Elanna and him together.
Well I think he believed me, because he simply used a dermal regenerator to heal my back and then I dressed and left without any more words spoken between us. I know B’Elanna and Tom are still together, but he's been watching me very closely.
I haven't been back to the Holodeck, because he's watching me too closely and I don't want him to catch me again. But I'm getting desperate for another beating, cause I'm starting to come up with ways to break B’Elanna and him up! I still want him, I can admit that much to myself, but no matter what I will not interfere in his personal relationship with B'Elanna. I mean that. End Log.
[Authors note: Stardates no longer follow season five episodes closely enough to list.]
Ensign Paris Personal Log:
I'm still shocked. The Captain being whipped, by me! I would never in a million years have imagined me being with the Captain in that way. But I'm actually more shocked by what she told me. When she admitted she has… had feelings for me. I haven't told B'Elanna, I'm sure the Captain wouldn't want anyone to know.
However since that night, B'Elanna and I are fighting more than usual and part of that is my fault, I'm not mad at B'Elanna. I'm mad at myself for not noticing the Captain's feelings sooner. I should have realized. I care about B'Elanna and I don't want to hurt her. But I've started to notice thoughts about the Captain that I haven't had in years resurfacing.
I want her and I want to help her. I've seen the desperation in her eyes and I know she's going to try and sneak back into the Holodeck. *I have to stop her!* But do I have the right to interfere? Should I just tell Chakotay and let him handle it? No, the Captain wouldn't want me to tell him either. And Chakotay seems distracted lately I wonder why?
So how can I help her, without hurting B'Elanna?
For awhile I thought the Captain was going to be okay. When we encountered the Borg and Seven was taken, she seemed like her old self again, for a brief moment. But she's since retreated back inside herself and I don't know what to do!
Maybe I will just have to let her handle this, herself. End Log.
Ensign Paris Personal Log:
She went back! On the bridge this morning I could tell. When I saw her I wanted to cry, I could tell she hadn't healed her wounds by the way she moved.
I can't believe nobody else noticed! Even the *wonderful* First Officer, Chakotay failed to notice. Is everyone blind?! No Chakotay is just too busy staring at Seven's chest to notice anything else, and Tuvok seems to be ignoring everything, Harry's always been blind concerning matters like this. However, B'Elanna seems to know *my* mind is elsewhere, but even she doesn't see what the Captain is doing! Or maybe she's still angry about the Captain's decision to save her life, which I myself begged the Captain to do.
B'Elanna hasn't said anything directly to me, but our fighting has gotten worse. I'm getting tired of it and surprisingly I think B'Elanna is too. I really need to talk to her, but I really don't know what to say. End Log.
Ensign Paris Personal Log:
Okay it finally happened, B'Elanna dumped me, and I have to say that I was more relieved than anything else. Of course everyone else just looks shocked and the Captain looks heartbroken, I'm sure she's blaming herself and that has to stop. It is not her fault.
I also know that the Captain has been basically living in the Holodeck when she's not on duty. I have to figure out a way to help her. End Log.
Ensign Paris Personal Log: Supplemental.
Okay I've got a plan. Today before she gets off duty I'm going to go down to the Holdeck and delete the Holographic me (here's hoping she's still using my image). I'll pretend to be the Holographic me long enough to relax her then I'm going to tell her it's me and demand she stop doing this to herself.
Okay it's not the brightest plan on the ship, but it's what I'm going to do. Here goes nothing. End Log.
Captain's Personal Log:
Tom Paris is the most wonderful man on the ship, at least to me. I know without a doubt now that I love him and surprisingly he loves me. I remember that night he snuck on the Holodeck, well I'm glad he did. It was the start of something wonderful.
I was however stunned when he told me his feelings that night. Oh I know in the early days we teased and flirted alot, but I didn't (um, I tried not to) read anything into it. I never knew or imagined that he could care about me seriously, and when he and B'Elanna got together I knew nothing would ever happen between us. But I was wrong, and for once very glad I was wrong.
I don't know if I can stop myself from wanting to be hurt, but Tom's going to be with me and help me get through this.
Tom and I have decided, for now, not to tell the crew about our relationship, at least not until Harry and B'Elanna make theirs official. Yes they got together shortly after Tom and B'Elanna broke up.
I'm also a little concerned about how Chakotay will handle our relationship, but Tom assures me he will be okay with us. Here's hoping Tom's right again. End Log.
Ensign Paris Personal Log:
Well Kate and I still haven't made our relationship public, but since B'Elanna and Harry haven't, I don't think we should. However, one relationship has been made public (and shocked everyone, except me) Chakotay and Seven. You should see the Doctor's face whenever someone mentions them or he sees them together, poor guy.
I think Harry and B'Elanna will be making their relationship public soon. At least I hope so, because some crewmembers are giving Chakotay a hard time because they think he's hurting the Captain. But no, that's my job.
Yes you heard me right. Kate actually craves pain, so I've been busy reading old Earth literature, learning how to hurt her without permanently damaging her.
I do hope Harry and B'Elanna announce their relationship soon, so I can tell everyone how much I love Kate. End Log
THE END!