This time around the ramblings are gonna tackle something with a more serious note, the passing on into the realm of forever.
Recently my grandmother passed away quite unexpectedly. She was 69 and a week from becoming 70. This shook my family quite hard, and me personally. See, even though she lived a matter of blocks from my house, I had not seen her in a little over a month and a half. In my infinite wisdom or better, my infinite stupidity, I believed that my family's weekly ritual of getting together was quite honestly stupid. For most of my life, every sunday was designated to family, but on this solemn Sunday November 3rd my grandmother did not wake up. It was a shock to hear, and a pain for me to harbor. The fact that I had forfeitted all chances of seeing her again in September will hurt me forever.
Now, I don't know how you people deal with heavy shit, but my family isn't exactly out of a Hallmark card. We show as little emotion as possible, and only do so to show that we are not cold hearted bastards. Family tragedy is tough for us because, as you hear and see in movies, it normally brings familes closer together, not mine. Most families cry together and hold each other, my family practically shut down. I went to my room, my brother to the basement, my sister to her friends house, and my father to help my mother out seeing as though it was her mother. The silence in the house was deafening, only tvs or radios, no words, no anything.
I'm not sure how the rest of my family dealt with it, but I find solace and salvation behind the steering wheel of my car. A place where I can be alone, my car is my sancuary. I put on music and just drive, releasing anger, hatred, saddness, fear....whatever emotion I have stuck inside me that needs to get out. I've written before about my need for music and my emotional connection to the tunes I listen to, well, lets just say in my CD player I listend to a lot of Pink Floyd, but I also listend to a lot of very hard dark music, stuff that would let out my frustrations.
Some of you may know the feeling of saddness much better than I, because I really don't know if saddness is what I felt. I know I felt loss, and anger, but I'm not sure what saddness feels like. I do know that crying acompanies the sad feelings. I cried, while driving, I cried to the words of a song that has nothing to do with loss or death.
The song was "Warning" by Incubus and the lines are:
"She woke in the morning,
She knew that her life had passed her by
She called out a warning, warning
Don't ever let life pass you by."
These were the words. They brought some unexpected tears to my eyes. My grandmother died in her sleep, she lived a full and happy life, and this passing may just have been her sending out her warning to not let life pass me by. As I type this, sitting at my desk at work, it still stings my eyes to think about it.
The hardest part of losing a loved one is the viewing or wake. The room full of friends and family, offering condoleces for the recently departed. To sit there and have person after person tell you how great a life they led, or how wonderful their sprit was, thats just gut wrenching to hear because it makes you think back to all the times you spent with them, it makes it that much harder to let go.
I heard person after person tell my mom and uncles that my grandmother was the most amazing woman. At the funeral service the pastor called her a saint, because she tirelessly gave her time to those who would need it. I heard stories from her friends who could not come to grips with losing a friend, one of which they had known for 4 decades in some cases.
I saw my mother break down a few times at the funeral palor, but none such as bad as when her aunt and uncle came, her god parents, and she lost it. I had known my moms uncle Ken and his family, but I did not know how close my mom's childhood intertwined with her cousin's. It was truly evident that what my mother had done as a child growing up, and what my father had done as well, was what they had been doing with my siblings and I. Instilling a sense of family.
Back to family. My mom has two younger brothers, one of which lives in Ohio (my Uncle Bob) and my Uncle Ken, of the 3 my mom is the oldest. My two uncles are more like older brothers in some sense, in the way I look up to them and maybe it is through them that I get my lack of emotion. I don't know, all I know is that no one lives forever, no matter how had we try. We live on through names and words associated with our spirit. The best way to be remembered is by doing it the right way, living by doing everything the right way, no harm, no angst, so when you are done the burden of hearing how great you were will resonate with your family for the rest of their lives.
Recently I have found myself stretched pretty thing on time where I am alone. I'm always out doing stuff, or getting ready to go out and do stuff, but I rarely am sitting at home just watching T.V. I was reading my message board here and saw that someone had posted a message that I had forgotten my friends, and this made me think because it was posted under a message from my father saying that blood is thicker than water (a responce that I spend more time with my friends than my family).
The two messages made me think a little, if one person sees me spending too much time with the other and vice-versa, what in the blue hell is going on?!? I will always admit to spending as much time with my friends as possible, but mainly I spend my time with the same couple friends. Recently I've added hanging out with a co-worker to the mix of my repetoir, and this has taken time away from my other friends. It seems that to I have kept a pretty wide base of people for so long that when I changed my schedule to accomodate a new set of time for school and work and going out, I have misplaced some friendships.
I say misplaced because its not as though I have deliberately tried to break off communication, but I have just lost contact. Here is a basic look at my general week:
Monday: Work and School, get home at 11p.m.
Tuesday: Work and probably hitting Fridays or Cryans or McCarthy's with Kirby
Wednesday: Work and School, get home at 11p.m.
Thursday: Work then Cryan's at night with Kirby and any of the other acquatances from the area
Friday: Work, and every other Friday I have school till 11p.m. and on the off Friday I go to Jimmy's in Morristown
Saturday and Sunday are open for whatever comes along, meaning whoever calls first with a plan for the day/night. Sundays between August and January are for FOOTBALL, most of you know this already.
So as you can see, my week is pretty full with very little playtime at all. Mainly just Tuesdays and Thursdays and most of Saturday and Sunday (except for football season).
Due to most peoples schedules, not everyone can go out during the week, hell, most of the time I'm friggin tired, I know. So, when the weekend comes around, if no one is calling me I'm just plugged into the PS2 playing Madden 2003 or Final Fantasy.
Most of my Saturdays are spent just chillin at someones house watching boxing or stupid movies. Sundays outside of Football season are just kind of a quiet day of nothing, so lets look at the free time calendar:
Tuesdays: between 5p.m. and 11p.m. I'm free
Thursdays: between 5p.m. and 11p.m. I'm free
Every other Friday: 5p.m. till whenver
Saturday: whenever I shake off Friday until whenver I decide I need sleep
Sunday: Baring a football game my whole day is free.
Isn't it all so simple when you just break down the numbers. If you are a disgruntled friend of mine looking for some of my time or pissed that I havent called in a while, look at my free time. If you are family and are wondering where I spend most of my time outside of the house, theres my schedule. I don't much deviate from that whole system.
This brings me to the second part of my rambling. I'M STUCK IN A RUT, HELP ME OUT!!!
I do the same shit, week in and week out, and all be it that it is the middle of a brutal winter, I need some changes. I need something new, or different. I've started going to more movies, but thats fucking expensive. I'm always looking for new places to hang out, but, shit, there are a lot of places that suck in New Jersey.
I've been spending off nights on the weekends with some friends that I have neglected for some time, and I'm trying to rebuild a few other broken connections. With all this shit, you people wonder why I'm still fucking single! How am I going to meet a girl while trying to hang out with all these people!?! Its not that I'm popular, its that all of you are ALL of YOU! I try to keep some friends sepearate so I can keep those friendships. For instance, I know that Justin is a drinker and sometimes, very seldom, he gets carried away and can be easily riled up. Knowing Justin's easy anger button I keep him away from my friends that are jokingly offensive (meaning we make fun of each other for comedies sake). This usually means that I don't ask Justin to go to Cryan's due to most of the people I know there are very sarcastic and can be easily missunderstood.
Also, I don't try to get my buddy Doug to hang out with Nicole and her troup of psychos. Doug being almost 30 wouldn't fit in with that crew of looney tunes and deviants.
This kind of thing keeps me at odds over who to call when I have a free Friday night. And for my family, its the reason you don't know any of these people, they are all insane!!!
In closing, I'd hang out with all of you more, if....um...hmmm. I don't know how I could hang out with you all, if you were all more like each other, odds are there wouldn't be ay problems, cause I only associate with the most ecclectic of the bunch and you should all be proud to know that the rest of the world is mundane compared to you, my friends.
Kirby, the drinker king
Harry, my own private 5-OH
Justin, the sexy bitch of NJ
Doug, pushing down the feeble
Scott, Chris, Dave, Matt, Dennis, Kevin, Mike....The Kingslands and the rest of the Cryan's regulars
Ron, the walking tattoo
and Nicole, um, you know Laura, hook a brotha up!!!
Well, its just about lunch time on Tuesday, and I really have a need to write about a few things. I don't know where to start, should I talk about my love of Gin, the sports Mecca that has become of New Jersey, loss of friends, the Curse of the Wedding Pool....I just don't know!!
So I'll start with my recent trip to Vegas.
Vegas rules.
Now, there seems to be an issue, I have noticed while people watching, that people can only follow certain trends and such and are not allowed to follow others. Me, well I follow whatever the hell I feel like following. I don't get "pop" music, so I don't listen to it, and when my friend and his younger brother do I don't understand how two grown men can listen to this sugar-pop candy coated crap. Like I said, I don't get it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying not to listen to it, its just, I chose my music/movies/books/tv/clothes by me and for me and with only me in mind. So, that said, a song about some little girl missing her boyfriend being warbled over synthetically produced sonic bubblegum just doesn't resonate well with me. None of that stuff does. I call it too happy, and by saying this, you would get the idea that I'm a miserable angry young man. You would be wrong.
Some people like Britany Spears and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and the movie American Pie, okay. I'll take Slipknot, Monday Night Football, and Donnie Darko.
Yeah, I prefer the darker points of human creativity, the things "pop" people won't get, or for their case, the country music listening folks. Now, my experiences in life aren't evil and dark and full of all things wrong. To people who know the lighter side of me, they wont understand why I don't like pop music. My friends see a guy who likes stand up comics, Disney World, sunny days in spring, volleyball games, and entire sundays full of football. What part of that says "I like evil things?" None of it, its just, I have a bleaker outlook on things. Its not that I'm not happy, its just I don't feel happy.
Driving around with the windows down, cranking out E Town Concrete is just fun for me. Hard and heavy music speak more to me. Songs about anger and frustration, with the inability to find happiness, about struggle, about fear. I'm not happy about things in my life right now, I'll tell you that much, but I'm not a brooding angry person on the verge of a killing spree! On the other hand, I'm single (sucks), 24 (not old, not young), small\slim in body(not very phisically apealing to look at) and a drinker (which is fun).
SO, how did I get from attacking the Pop-Music culture to defending myself. Its simple. More women listen to that happy, silly pop music and dancable stuff and I am looking for a woman, which means I think I know what I'm looking for in my life to be happy.
It doesn't include listening to happy music, because in my opinion that shit is terrible and trite and silly and unimaginative. It doesn't include me dressing like a preppy fairy and drinking less alcohol and more coffee.
Its me, eating meat, swearing, listening to Billy Joel or Led Zeppelin or Metallica or Soilwork or Inflames. It includes me watching evil movies and comedies and foreign flicks. It includes me being me and being happy that I am me, and not you, you pop music hippie freak! GET OFF MY SITE YOU BADGERING CONFORMIST!
Kidding, kidding.
SYN out
Well, I'm not living at home anymore, thats good news. This rambling isn't going to be about that though. This is going to be about something else. Something completely different even.
I moved in with my friend Nicole, from the "crew" page, and her boyfriend Darren. Well, last night Darren and I were chillen like villians about hooking up. We first spoke of Justin, also of the crew page, and his new girlfriend. We both said she was cute and I made a comment about Justin never being single. I made noise about how I couldn't understand how Justin would never be without woman. Then it happend.
Darren made sense of things.
Darren spoke of it not having anything to do with how good looking a guy is, or how smart a guy is, or how well spoken a guy is, or how much money a guy has. Well, you may ask, what does it have to do with?
Darren says confidence.
DID I NOT SAY THESE THINGS IN A PREVIOUS MAD MIND??? Am I blind to the things that I'm looking at?
It has been about 2 years since that posting of confidence vs. arogance and I have not taken my own fucking advice. Do you know how humbling it is to be told exactly what you knew. Women prefer confident men, no shit.
Some day maybe I'll fully grasp my own knowledge and spit it out on myself.
Our little conversation was merely a metafor of my current situation of singularity. That means I'm still single and Darren didn't understand. I tried to explain my introversion, but Darren is an Extravert of the highest order.
I could only sum it up by saying I would rather travel through life with my head down and un-noticed. But this isn't totally true, just mosty. I mean, if I could be invisable I would. The more people around me the worse I get. I don't mind clubs or bars, because there are so many people there I'm almost invisable anyway.
So, what is my problem, am I shy? A little. I just have a fear of embarrasing myself. I would rather put out an impression of something I'm not, than make a mistake while being myself. This is odd, but to me it makes sense.
Old Japanese saying: (translated of course) The Nail That Stands Up, Gets Pounded Down
That makes sense to me, I don't want to stick out and by being different get hammered by society. I could come out and say that I would rather be a stand up comic, or a radio DJ than anything else on the planet, and no one would believe me.
I watch movies like High Fidelity and they just make sense to me. The slacker guy who is just sliding through life not making waves, then realizes he wants to make waves. John Cusak's character is me, well actually it's Nick Hornby's character from his novel, but you get the picture.
Or better, Dante from Kevin Smith's CLERKS. Just in a comfortable situation and not daring enough to change his current surroundings. Me again.
I just watched PUNCH DRUNK LOVE, a Paul Thomas Anderson (or Thomas Paul Anderson, I don't remember) with Adam Sandler as the lead character. This character's trouble with trying to fall in love hit WAY TOO CLOSE to home, even though I don't live at home, it still hit pretty fucking close.
This may be something I eluded to while talking about fears in an earlier column ( no link this time, I don't feel like looking for it ). Gynephobia, the fear of women. Women scare the shit out of me. They're fucking nuts.
Now that that's out of the way, I'm not really scared of them, as much as intimidated. I just don't wanna look like a lumbering clod and would rather just check out a woman than chance making a fool of myself (which I would probably do) by actually trying to talk to her. I know this avoidance actually makes me the frightened childlike moron, but, I can take being made fun of by guys, its happend all my life. A chick making fun of me could possibly be devastating.
So, as Darren tries to get me to hook up with the girl across the way, which is the reason we got on this topic to begin with, this was the secret metafor of the evening.
Let me explain (wow, I really am rambling today!). Kamila is a girl that live's across the way in our apartment complex. She just moved out here from Jersey City, and is away from friends and family and such. Before I moved in with Nicole and Darren I was introduced to Kamila by her coming with us to see FINDING NEMO. Since then, we've hung out a couple of times, but not gone out or anything. She is cute, has an insane dog, and is pretty cool to hang out with. Well, needless to say, Darren and Nicole are doing their best to get me to ask her out, as if I could.
This is what Darren didn't understand, and I couldn't communicate. I know this girl, everyone else thinks she may be interrested, but I just can't open my mouth to say the words that need to come out (which just so happens to be a line from a poem I wrote, don't look, its not up on the site).
Its now 11:30 on Monday and I am still upset with myself because of the numerous, aparent, missed opportunities.
I guess I'm really not the type of person who would go out of my way to shit comfortably.
I am in a really big rambling mood today kids, so watch out. Last time I rambled about my roommate Darren trying to hook me up with the girl across the way, Kamila. Well, I abandoned that shit like yesterday's soup of the day! I bailed without a net, went swimming without my trunks, put down and pissed off. Why you ask? I'll tell you. I met probably the most perfect woman to ever amble into my line of sight. Some of you may be thinking to yourselves, "Didn't this SYN guy, tell me to punch in my own weight class?" I would say yes, and no.
Have you ever met someone that you honestly knew she was out of your league, but you got along with her? She was right there on your same brain wave and you could actually talk to her and give her a hug and such? Yeah, thats Julie to me. She is the source of my new found sleepless nights. (actually she was in my dream last night, which was pretty fucking cool, there was no sex in my dream just me and Julie)
Julie is out on her own making her way in the world, and here's my piddly ass in an apartment in Hillsborough, making $40 thousand a year. I am in no way EVER going to get this girl, yet she is all that I think about, and ITS DRIVING ME NUTS! I can't get over the fact that I dig this girl with every fiber of my being, and I'm too afraid to tell her.
Well, that is all for another day, I had too much thought on Julie this weekend when I dropped the ball with her at my buddy Vin's wedding. I just couldn't deal with more than just me fighting for her affections. On to more important rambling...
...My buddy Doug passed away on Monday (10/13) and I am shot to shit right now folks. Doug was an older version of me...just a foot taller. I'm a little upset about this, so maybe I won't ramble on it at this time.
Hopefully next time I'll have good news to share, like I may be closer to getting a shot at standing in line for Julie.
Well there, here we are again, and I'm feeling better about things. I've been meditating again, and I've come across a line in a song by TOOL:
"This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality, embrace this moment, remember, we are eternal, all this pain is an illusion"
That made things seem a little easier. Heres a list of stuff I've been listening to lately:
TOOL "Parabol/Parabola" and "Sober"
Primer55 "This Life"
Static-X "Destroy All"
Slipknot "Wait and Bleed"
Mudvayne "Death Blooms"
There is much more, but I can't remember right now. I'm sitting here at work, drinking my Ramune (Lucky Best Marble Drink, according to Doug), and I'm in the mood to type. Well, you see the title and I'm sure you wondered "What is SYN waiting for?" Well, here it is. I was told something, and it confused the living shizzle out of me, just broadsided me into a world of fuzzy confusion. This is what I was told by my buddy Vin who, with his wife, is my go between with Julie:
"Julie said that she isn't looking for a relationship right now. She only wants to date guys that she doesn't see a future with, and she doesn't want to do that to you (meaning me, SYN)."
SO, what the fuck is this all about you say. Well, thats what I said. Truth be told, I still don't fucking know, but its okay. You know why?
Cause I'm going to play the waiting game. One of the ways that her little fortune cookie info could be taken (the only positive way I can take this) is that she isn't looking for anyone that she might see a future with, and she may, maybe, possibly see a future with my piddly ass, so she doesn't want to push it right now. If this is what it takes, my ass will wait. I'll chill in the background for all of eternety. This ain't no game son, this is forever were dealing with!!!
Now, I know anyone reading this is going, "Huh?" and I can sympathize, I've been looking at myself and saying the same thing. What the hell is going on with me. If you look at some of my older Ramblings I state many times that I don't believe in love, but here I am, disproving my own theory. Heres the problem with my theory, and maybe this is where I'll have to do a revision. What if you find someone, but you aren't that person's someone?
Guy A falls hardcore for Gal A but Gal A wants nothing to do with Guy A. In This scenerio we have a guy who is pining up the wrong girl, but for him, she is a goddess. This chick won't know, cause she is looking for some 7 foot tall super jacked Harvard graduate, yeah they exist, they're offensive linemen in the NFL.
Say Guy A is a normal, everyday Jersey Dude and Gal A is a super hot, independent, smart funny Jersey Girl. From that line alone you should tell, like in High Fidelity, Rob (John Cusak's character) says "You've gotta punch your weight." From that line do you get Guy A punching his weight? Hellz no you don't, you get Kevin "DJ SYNthetic Man" Jurewicz looking like a tool while going insane for a Jersey Girl who recently moved to Philadelphia, thats what you get. You get me, sitting here, typing away about how every thought in his head has to go around the one of her to be processed. How every girl, no matter how pretty, seems to have faded out a bit since I met her. I get to know that I found someone, finally, that I can make laugh by being myself, and I'll never get her.
F U C K ! ! ! ! !
Sorry, that really was rambling.
This is the first time I've ever really just spit out whats in my head, so, bare with me folks. We'll get through this together.
Next time, hopefully there will be less crazy words like spatula, and more words like, FANTASTIC!
Until then.
I'm the 100 Watt Warlock
and you may be a baboon, who knows, who knows anything?
Okay kids, its another Monday morning in the fall of 2003. With the year closing out, and another holiday sprint infront of us, heres whats going on. That John Allen Muhamad guy who went around shooting people (women and children and elderly included) has been found guilty and I say we leave him in the streets of D.C. with a sign on him saying "I am the D.C. Sniper" and we let the people of our Nation's capital have their way with him. It won't be pretty.
Speaking of pretty, I played football yesterday, and I hurt like hell today.
And speaking of feeling like hell, this weekend is Julie's house party, I'm bringing some (lots) of alcohol.
So, what am I to ramble about. I could talk about how this weekend will be cool, or I could talk about how I hurt from playing football, but I think I'll talk about killing today.
Yes, killing. I've often been pushed and life has delt me a bad card and I've been angry and agrivated enough to want to strangle someone. I've been so frustrated with things that I want to bludgeon someone into oblivion with my bare fists. To quote Slipknot "I've felt the hate rise up in me" and I have felt it often. I spoke once before about my short fuse and my almost automatic switch from normal to berzerker, but I've never spoken of what it felt like.
This D.C. sniper guy was a nut job, along with any one else who just goes around killing people. Serial killers are the poster children for the Insane. They test them before they try them to see if they are mentally okay, and most of them are "O.K." but I strongly disagree. No one who kills is sane. Not one person who ever thought of killing another human being is sane. Zip, zilch, nien, nicht, zero!
People who kill are the lowest end of the intelligence pool. Psychologists say, "Oh he is a borderline genius" and thats bullshit. I'm a borderline genius, my IQ is a 130, I'm not the smartest MoFo but I'm not the dumbest. The second the thought pattern goes through their heads "I'm gong to kill" that person is no longer intelligent. That person is a weak piece of shit, and stupid.
If I could put every person on this planet into a coma for a week, there would be no more death. The second you come that close and touch death, reach out and feel the emptiness, you would never want that again. And if you did, well, you are insane, heres your padded room don't eat the crayons.
Now, I've been angry. I've been down. I've been frustrated. I've felt lonliness. I've felt hate. I've been pushed down, held down, stepped on, beaten up, slapped, called names, arrested, been it all. Done drugs, drank too much, stayed out too late, drivin myself crazy, heard the voices, seen the visions, been suicidal, held the knife to my veins, been through it all. What makes me any different that the people that kill? Not much, I've checked.
I have more in common with most serial killers than I do with U.S. Presidents. This scares the shit out of me. What if I snap, what if the world finally breaks me?
I'm not really sure what will happen, but I think I've held off all of my mental breaks. I've subdued most of my aggression, my shortcomings. I haven't exactly lead a life of princes and kings, more like the universal underachiever. I have theory after theory on what my problems are, and why I have them, but its mainly my lack of self worth. The feeling that I am worthless and useless, and just a waste of space. I'm sure this will all go away someday, but will someday be too late. Will I have gone over the falls, so to speak, before I finally figure out why I'm here?
So, if you are planning on killing anyone, you are officially a turn in my SYNthetic book. I shit on you and yours. And if anyone plans on killing me, well, you can bet I won't have a moral quandry if you come after me. I believe in killing in self defense, and I believe in the death penalty. So, if you wanna piece, you better damn well be willing to die, cause my ass will not go quietly into that good night, and I will rage against the dying of the light.
And if you didn't know I was paraphrasing Dylan Thomas, take off!!
SYN
Damn its been a while! Well, I'm back, and better than ever, its now or never, my words rhyme so I think I'm clever...
Anyway. I'm sure everyone has seen those old 70's and 80's Kung-Fu movies by the Shaw brothers, or Jackie Chan. I love those. In them, everyone has a different style of kung-fu. We got Snake Fist style, Mantis style, Eagles Claw style, Tiger style...etc. By the end of the movie there have been 2 or 3 more styles created by combining the styles of fighters, so you end up with Snake in the Eagle's Shadow style (Old Jackie Chan movie) or maybe there is a huge change and the main character learns Tai-Chi (Jet Li's "Chin Bo" character from Twin Warriors). Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because I am officially perplexed by something else in the American Lexicon on Trends.
The "Metrosexual" style. Years ago, if a guy carried a small bag with him that had vanity items....male vanity items (I didn't know they existed either), that guy with the purse would have been shunned as gay, or flamming. But now, in this crazy new millenium, these guys are...straight?!? What the fuck?
Not once does the sexual prefrence of these guys ever get called into play, its just accepted. Again, WHAT THE FUCK? This has blown my fucking mind that not only do these guys act gay, but they get all the chicks. Now, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but what about all those guys that have been in the gym for 5 years getting super huge? The last trend was chicks dig big guy. Now it seems, chicks dig shiney guy. I moved out in the summer, maybe they sent the memo to my old address, cause I didn't get it.
The large guitar playing psychopath, named Redtop, that I reside with (X-RAY CAT go there now) seems to understand this, but he won't tell me the answer to the riddle. The riddle is this: WHAT THE FUCK? Actually its, when did all this happen? Did some guy in L.A. (gayist place on earth) just decide that guys should be all prim and more feminine? And if thats what happened, why didn't anyone beat the shit out of this guy?
I'm not grasping, AT ALL, why this "metrosexual" thing has caught on. If it was named something else, I might get it, like any of the following:
1. Chick-Magnet style- the ultimate form of female magnetism, and the title says it all. Every guy wants to be a chick magnet
2. Fashionable Male style- named after the store Ben Affleck's character "Shannon Hamilton" worked at in Mallrats
3. Definately Not A Plummer style- It says, "I am all man lady but I don't work in an industry where I need to get all sweaty and cut my hands"
4. Andre 3000 style- Whats cooler than cool? Ice Cold mother fucker! If everyone had Andre's style, the world would be a better place
I'm sure there are better names for this whole style thing, it just needs a different name. Something less gender-referencing. Anything dealing with the word "sexual", not dealing with, either A) Healing or B) porno, needs to go.
Now, my "gaydar" goes off when there are extra-feminine guys around, now its going off like asians at a bukake convention. I'm lost, I can't tell whose gay and whose straight anymore. I'm lucky, none of my friends have gone "Metrosexual" on me, so I don't encounter any of these boarderline transvestites.
The big question on every straight single guy's mind right now is: "Are women going to start expecting guys to be like that?"
With any hope, for the future of mankind, the answer is "NO!" because I sure as shit don't want to do that, and I don't see too many of my friends hopping the fence to the darkside. Maybe sober Dave, Harry is half-way there, Justin is all the way there....
...and if anyone ever sees me with a "man-purse" kill me, because I'll already be dead inside!
Money. Something so important to today's society Pink Floyd made it one of the most popular songs in music history. It was on Dark Side of the Moon, which was on the Billboard top 100 for 14 and 1/2 years (14 YEARS!!! If you don't like Floyd, burn in hell!). It has occured to me that money is what rules this world. Not religion, not power, not life, not liberty, and certainly not freedom or justice. But money.
In a recent news article a small boy (4 years old) who was disabled, due to a doctor fucking up the delivery, died in his sleep. The little boy needed 16 hours of supervision a day, at a minimum. But his "Health Insurance" provider said that they would not cover the nursing costs because they didn't deem it as neccessary. Who the hell are they?!? A bunch of assholes who didn't want to spend that extra 5 grand a year to make sure a nurse would show up at this kids house every day to make sure he was still alive. Fuck them, and fuck the rich for that matter. The only reason this kid was kept alive for four years was because Al Gore (yeah, the guy you stupid fucking republicans who can go fuck yourselves, didn't want as President) went to the "Health Care" provider and told them a thing or two about being a human being.
I have recently felt the tinge of being poor. My paychecks have not made their way into my bank account for over 2 months and I am FLAT FUCKING BROKE! I feel the pain of only being able to eat when I can get a couple bucks from my parents or friends. BUT I CAN ONLY EAT AFTER I PAY FOR GAS!!! That outrageously overpriced shit we bomb towelheaded people for. Anyone buying the fact that the Bush boys give a shit about their freedom is fucking stupid. Those two assclowns only care about getting a hold of the black blood of the earth, Middle Eastern Oil fields. They don't care how many waves of soldiers they have to send to their deaths to get it. Fuck the Bush family (I would like to fuck the President's daughters, they are good).
I've also noticed that people are jealous of those with money. Mtv has given a show to a schmuck from West Chester by the name of Brandon "BAM" Margera, and people are coming out of the woodwork to say that he is a "talentless hack" even though he and is friends and family are funny motherfuckers! Success is the weapon, its the cause, its every reason for hatred.
They say "money can't buy happiness" which is bullshit, because in today's society, happiness is measured in how much more money you have than everyone else. And by that total, I am not a happy Fast. I'm not miserable by any means, but when my money shows up in my bank, I'll be able to buy stuff, and stuff is just as good as money. My TV, my car, my stereo, my CDs, my DVDs, my Playstation2...etc. I have stuff, and stuff makes me feel good. Not being able to buy stuff makes me sad, and unable to function rationally.
Not being able to eat because you had to buy gas to go to work so you can get paid, that makes me insane.
Not all rich people are assholes, not all of the people who are given wealth for no particular reason suck. Bam Margera would be the bomb to hang out with. Dennis Rodman paid for the funeral of a man who was tied to a truck and drug around the streets until he literally fell apart. Tracey McGrady paid for the hospital bills of a boy who was shot by the D.C. Sniper (who should die). These people sometimes look like they don't deserve to have all that money, until they do something good with it. Recently Pat Tillman gave up a $9 million contract with the NFL to die for his country, and some people believe that that is not heroic?!? This man gave up more money than some people earn in their entire lives, to die for our president's current oil follie, and some college kids who feel impowered by "freedom" of speech feel that this guy is not a worthy role model for our nation's children. I'll give the NFL a thumbs down on personality. Ray Lewis is a rich guy who got away with murder because he's rich. Many other players are just plain cry babies. The same goes for all the major athletes and stars in America. Money gives them the power to do pretty much whatever they want, and they all want to give the general public the middle finger.
Reality TV has been the defining line in the sand of popular status. People with no talent making money for just being there. I can do that and nobody pays me. I can just show up and be silly, or a smart ass, and they wouldn't even have to pay me. Do you know why? Because money isn't everything, its just the only thing that matters.
I'll go on living my meanial existence, maybe happy, maybe not, but I'll only be regular or average. Only because I don't have the best stuff or the most money, or the biggest house...etc. Those with all the power and money wonder why the average person likes to see the high and mighty fall, well, mainly because the high and mighty suck ass as people.
To quote the movie Cool Runnings: "If you aren't enough without it, you'll never be enough with it."
fAST
Well, here I am again, its the end of July 2004 and things are heating up again. Take the link up there to the Hook Up page that I just updated with a bunch of shit. Its been a few months since I last wrote, I'm not so sure what I want to write about today. Maybe I'll write about my writing or someone elses writing. I guess I can just skip all that shit and go right to whats on my mind.
I'm on my way to my third wedding, 3rd, and I am going to be a groomsman for the third, 3rd, time. I've never gone to a wedding and not been in the party. I've never shown up and sat with all the other yahoos in the crowd day dreaming and shit. My first wedding I was the best man, how bout that shit! Never been to a wedding and I got an important job, making sure the groom doesn't die or run away. I took it upon myself to video tape the whole charade for prosperity and stupidity.
The second time I was just kind of there for the food and alcohol, but mainly Julie.
This time I'm there for my buddy Harry, and I really don't know why. Harry has been trying to get married since the concept first struck him as a good idea. While the rest of us were in our "lets get drunk and party" phase, our boy Harry was taking ring sizes on anyone named Jennifer in the Somerset County area. That is a bit of an over exageration, not much, but still a bit over blown. Harry just has an idea in his head of what he wants his life to be, and he is getting it come hell or high water (hurricane Floyd reference).
I've made comments here about my stance on marriage (against) but I fully support Harry in his decision, just as I supported Vin and, um, Vin. I have other married friends, mostly the Kingsland brothers Scott and Chris, and a few people from work. I'll marry Hulk Hogan's daughter right now, right fucking now, but seeing as the odds on that are like asking for snow on the moon, I feel safe in that claim. I'm just not looking to get married, I'd much rather just find a woman who wants to attend weddings with me.
Bringing me to my point. I'm a single guy here, and I have a wedding in a month. How am I supposed to find a date in a month??? Sure I may find a girl but how do you ask her to go to a wedding with you, thats some heavy shit right there. Women love that shit, and need to be all dressed up, I can't ask out someone and then take them to a wedding. I mean I'll be in a tux, she would only come if she were in some fancy ass shit.
God damn.
Any way, thats about it. I don't have much more to say today, that wasn't much of a rambling was it? More of a spouting off. Hmmm.
Okay, then back to Harry. Harry is a cop, the 5-OH, bacon, oink-oink, the fuzz, packing heat, flat foot, a cop. So when I say he has an image of his life in his head, he has had this whole thing up there since like 2nd grade. I've known Harry for ever, possibly longer. Anyway, he's finally getting married, to Jennine, not Jennifer. Hard to believe. The only thing I can actually say about her is, um, well, I really don't know what to say about her. I mean, if you see her driving around or walking through the mall or up at Cryan's you would never think her and Harry. She is nothing, NOTHING, like any of the other girls he has ever gone out with or had the gears burning for. Meaning: she is actually fun to hang out with.
Jennine doesn't watch her language, she is a free spirit (using the definition of free spirit not associated with the Dharma and Greg show, Dharma was not a free spirit, she was a flake). So, Harry, congrats buddy, you managed to get it right!
The wedding they are having is on the beach, so that should be cool. So should the free booze at the reception. HA!
I'm Rick James, bitch!
Sometimes I forget that I have this little corner of web land. I check in on it every once in a while to see whose been here, and its mainly just me checking in. Every once in a while, inside the other once in a whiles, which is pretty much just once in a blue moon, someone else shows up and says "HI!"
Recently it was my friend Ronald. He wrote me some poems. I will post them up in the poetry room when I get a chance. I'll also write up some other shit cause I'm bored.
Ramble on, mother fucker, ramble on....................(7/28/04)
Oh, a day that shall live in a calendar on my desk. Things that make me go, hmmm. Well, you my gentle antagonists may be wondering which King I may be talking about. Well, I'll tell you it isn't Elvis, that fucking HACK! Yeah, I said it, Elvis was shit, in shiny shoes. Although fun, I wouldn't waste my time digging up his carcass to shit on it.
Anyway. I'm talking about the return of an old friend, like seeing Obi-Wan Kanobi after a long time. Except I don't want to strike him down wiht my lightsaber.
The return of the guitar swinging axe grinder known only as Jake. It is with his return the balance has been brought back to NJ after years of the local music scene being shit. Hopefully he will have enough power left to help ressurect the lifeless corpse that was the New Jersey Rock Scene in the 80's and 90's.
I don't know how long I've known Jake, or when I first met him, but it was long long ago in a classroom far far away, or in Manville. Jake was a hell of a musician, but I remember him mainly as being able to draw cars amazingly well. He also used to talk about a car called, I think, a Vector Twin Turbo. If I remember correctly he had a thing for Beth Kabosky that rivaled Horn's thing for Beth.
Jake Moved to Arizona in the middle of High School and this left a few of us a man down.
I am glad he is back. With this gladness I looked at it from a different angle. I looked at my friends, most of which are in bands or play instruments or do stuff with stuff all day. Well its the musicians that I'm interrested in. Mainly Cactus, the bass funk-u-tronic machine. Ron is getting back into his Bass and Jake just moved back and I'm sure is looking for jam partners.
This train of thought led me down a certain path, almost like de-ja-vu or kind of like I'd been here before.
Hells yes whatever that means.
I looked at my current position in life and I thought about all the things that put me here, and it all started with the introduction of Ron to John and the band MINUS. After MINUS there was Polisheroes and now its X Ray Cat, on the side I've hung with bands like Absolute Zero, and now there is Dexterity and DR. Germ/Orange Scully. Most of my time is spent with musicians, and people associated with musicians. Now, Jake has returned, and I'm sure he will be trying to pop together a band or group or just people to play with. And here I am, pimping out Ronny to play some bass lines.
What I'm getting at here is, WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING??? I'm not a musician, I played trumpet in school but that doesn't count, but somehow I have surrounded myself with a stable of bands and people in the know. And it all goes back to me introducing Ron to an old friend of mine who just so happened to be looking for a bass player.
Some way or another, I feel that my love of music and my need to do something in music, be it manage a band; carry gear; sell T-Shirts; shit on a stage, this will have something to do with my calling in life. Somehow this is in some small way, what I'm supposed to be doing. Its not fate, its just the path I'm on, the steps I'm following.
Well, fucking throw up the horns and bang your head, I am going to be one of the NJ MUSIC MESSIAHS!! The time has come to clean up your own back yard before you go knocking on your neighbor's front door. Lets make the music like it was meant to be made, then clean up the rest of the world.
I'll be there.
Who's coming with me?
http://www.jakeskylyr.com
bitch.